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6/17/2008 c1 18AtlantisGirl12
This is pretty good. Personally, I love the first verse. I've felt that way before and I thought the first verse was very poetic. Excellent job with the flow of the poem, but I think some of the commas were unnecessary. Just a couple of spots that were confusing: where you said, "And now it’s slow and antagonizing", did you mean "agonizing?" Finally, the part that said, "It’s his entirely fault" was confusing to me. Did you mean, "it's entirely his fault"?

Overall, great job! I really enjoyed it.
6/11/2008 c1 495mate.feed.kill.repeat
The emotion in this piece is very nicely done, but I find the commas at the end of each line a bit distracting. In all honesty, they screw with the flow and confuse some of the meanins. For example: "I can tell you don’t like, / It when I frown." Consider this... if you make "I can tell you don't like it when I frown" into just a plain old, ordinary sentence, would you stick a comma in the middle? No. While in this poem it naturally makes sense to break the line there, it makes no sense, poetry or not, to put a comma there.

A few other things I noticed:

-"It’s his entirely fault" The wording in this line doesn't make sense. Either switch it to "It's his fault entirely" or change "entirely" to "entire."

-"The sobs eject from my throat" The word "eject" doesn't seem to fit.

-"But it’s not like he tried, / He didn’t try to break me" Repeating the word "try" (in different forms, I know, but still the same word) is a bit monotonous. Once again, try to change one of them.

-"I can’t its true" You missed the apostrophe in "it's." Small detail, but I'm a freak about the small stuff.

This piece also has many strengths. Most notably, its rhythm is reliable and the flow is superb. I like how you used the same stanza for the introduction and conclusion (I really liked those stanzas, too... pretty damn awesome, actually).

This piece also tells a pretty good story, in a way that most poems don't.

6/7/2008 c1 306Ashelin
There was definately a lot of emotion, and that's great in poetry. You also had a real definite structure of four lines for each stanza, and I liked some of the way you worded things and your honesty. Overall the poem seems a bit cliche...no, not cliche. It's just lacking something. Originality? Something to take away the normal words used every day and replace it with adjetives or an interesting thought. I'm all for poetry based on emotion, but if you do have emotion let your whole vocabulary be slaughtered with it. Again, I do think it's good, I just think everything can be improved. Great job though, keep up the good work.
6/7/2008 c1 lymli
the rhyme is cool, I think every verse tells a story.
6/6/2008 c1 172DefineBeauty
i really like the first and last stanza, it represents how alot of us feel and it goes well together

but the rest of it didn't quite seem to flow. some of the stanzas are longer or shorter which makes it seem like its just a story, like there's no emotion to it or anything.

just my opinion

"It’s his entirely fault," i think should be "It's eniterly his fault"
6/1/2008 c1 47Katenheimer
It's a very emotional poem, and I think your word choices are great. One thing to keep in mind though: you don't have to end every line with a comma, it's just for when you want a break (or a "breath"...think of it as a 'pause for effect' type of deal) in the sentence...it just flows better if you don't have all those commas at the end of everyline-it's a little jilted that way. But a very good and emotional poem nonetheless.
5/27/2008 c1 dorkiee
Absolutely amazing poem! I like that I can really relate to it and that it's about something so depressing but makes me smile a little. I would suggest make things a little more clear because I do not fully understand the poem.

Loved it1
5/21/2008 c1 58Horror and Mayhem
I thoroughly enjoyed this very much. It's one of the few pieces on fictionpress that i can actually read and relate to. I didn't get bored like I do usually because I could feel that there was more going on behind the poem.
5/4/2008 c1 7salvagedstars
It's heartbreaking, but pretty good. I can see it as a song. But there was one mistake I saw in the second to the last stanza. The line, "I can't its true." Shouldn't it be, "I can't it's true."? Otherwise, it was well written. Keep it up.
5/4/2008 c1 81EmilyAlice10
This is very good! It has a good mix of emotion and real life so it's not to hard to follow, but you can still empathize with the writer! I LOVE the first and last stanza's and the ryme scheme in them is awesome! I have to say I was a little upset when the rhyme scheme didn't continue throughout the poem. Some of the line breaks in the stanzas were a little awkward but all in all, good job! Keep writing!
4/30/2008 c1 22Starleaf
Just returning a review, since you reviewed my poem Sequence. :) Here's some concrit!:

Hm. the first stanza seems like the rhyming is a bit forced. You might be better off without the rhyming, seeing as it isn't kept up throughout the whole poem.

"I can tell you don’t like,

It when I frown."

I think this would sound better as

"I can tell you don’t like it

When I frown."

or something of the sort.

"It's his entirely fault" should be "its his entire fault," though that doesn't really seem to sound right, either. I don't think entire should really be there.

Oh, another thing, you don't need a comma after every line that doesn't end in a period. It makes it flow kind of odd... if it doesn't need a comma as a regular sentence, it doesn't need one in verse, either.

I'm not all that into these kind of angsty poems, but I figured I'd give you some concrit, since that's what writers need (whether its really what we want to hear or not, haha.)

Keep writing!
4/30/2008 c1 88Chidori Nadare
Love the fact that you opened and closed the poem with a rhyming stanza. It makes the poem flow even better. I could somehow relate to it and I feel that everyone is feeling something close to this at times. Great job.

4/26/2008 c1 Vanilla Tea
I like this poem...I think I can relate to it a bit, too. I also like how it starts and ends with the same stanza. The wording of the line "it's his entirely fault," seemed a bit odd to me. should it be "its entirely his fault?" The punctuation is pretty good and consistent, but there are some places I think you might need to fix. Like in the first/last stanza, there should be a comma after "yeah," and a comma in the second to last stanza in the second line, after 'i can't'.
4/26/2008 c1 26Misstress Nicole
Easy fix:

I love the beginning and end of this poem. I like the way this part flows. It sets the pace for the poem. You could try adding a period at the end of the second line and a comma after the yeah.

The flow, however, isn't smooth through out the whole piece and that takes away from the overall enjoyment in some parts. You may have a reason for why you've punctuated the way you did but I think it has a little too many commas. A few periods and semicolons would clean it up a bit. Taking out commas at the end of some of the lines and letting them just flow into the next would probably help with the flow as a comma signals a pause. The 'pauses' makes it a little choppy.
4/23/2008 c1 12Esther Jade
Review game!

I like the way you open and end the poem with a rhyming stanza. I think it complements the theme of the poem (the idea of something fake covering something real) well to open and close the poem with rhyme.

I didn't like the fact that you end-stopped a number of lines that should been run-ons. Examples are the third line of the second stanza, the third line of the third stanza, the third line of the fourth stanza etc. For me, it disrupts the flow of the poem unnecessarily. Also, there seem to be a few places where a full stop or semi-colon might work better than a comma. For example, the first line of the third stanza.

One word choice that didn't really work for me was "eject" in the fourth line of the fifth stanza. It just feels a bit odd to me.

Overall, I liked the structure and the development. I just think the punctuation needs a bit of work.
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