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10/18/2008 c7 Fractured Illusion
I dont really see how this is an "epilogue". Its more like a semi-scientific statement. I thought epilogue was all about what happens AFTER the climax.

Either way, the story was interesting, but very rushed. Things evolved without any restraint. I never believed it as realistic. So that is what you should work on :)

Good luck with future writings

- Frac, from the Review marathon and the Review Game (links in profile)
10/18/2008 c6 Fractured Illusion
Okay, I did not expect it to be Nick at all. Good twist.

General remark about your writing: you mess up in your choice between tenses. you should really get a beta because it distracts when reading.

-Frac from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
10/18/2008 c5 Fractured Illusion
Why does Ed accept so quickly that he has a brother? These dreams only started like, yesterday! I dont believe it, and its your job as an author to make me believe it. You need to either make him react realistically, or make sure readers understand WHY he believes he has a brother, after a handful of dreams about one.

Interesting cliff hanger anyway. Now we will finally know whats going on!

- Frac
10/18/2008 c4 Fractured Illusion
"How could a baby come out of a fatal car accident with a scratch on his palm while both adults in the car had died?"

- Not really liking this. It is possible. Very much so. Depends where the impact is,etc.

"Could I have a brother that ‘survived the car crash’ too? "

This is too quick thinking! From having believed for circa 15 yrs he is alone in the world, he suddenly thinks he has a brother? Because of a dream? It doesnt seem logical.

So are they researching the connection between twins or something? But how did they know he was dreamng about his brother? Ugh, so confused D=

- Frac
10/18/2008 c3 Fractured Illusion
"Mr. Hicks won’t believe"

- didn't believe, I think you meant

A question: why are they allowed to talk to each other while in detention? And sleep, even? Shouldnt detention NOT be enjoyable? Where are the teachers?

The chapter is making his impending doom draw closer. Nice. I wonder what purpose their deaths have.

- Frac, from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
10/18/2008 c2 Fractured Illusion
"Are u high or something?"

Unless for parody purposes, I strongly suggest you never write in chatspeak. Do you reckon published authors do? Such as Dickens and Rowling? No.

"Nick can’t help but sense"

- couldn't

Anyhow, I like the premise of the story, but your writing itself is a bit off putting. You don't need to plainly state things. It is okay to show and not tell. Like the whole "Ed is hiding something". It's a very quick conclusion and stated in a boring way. cant he just give Ed a look that says he doesnt believe him? Or snort? My two cents either way

- Frac, from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
10/18/2008 c1 Fractured Illusion
Okay, it's a short prologue so the review will be short.

Good: I like the set-up of con-artists/murder plot. It makes me wonder how it all will pan out

Bad: Who is Ed and what does he have to do with anything? After a bit of thinking I am led to assume it is Bert's twin, but that fact should have been stated sooner so its less confusing.

Also, who goes alone to collect the money when they are suspicious? It seems strange.

Going to the next chap. now

- Frac, from the Review Marathon (link in profile)

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