for Murphy's law12/2/2008 c3 Left FP
I am really liking this story...though I get confused at times...plenty of action sequences and now I know what a "moving story" is...keep up the good work!
P.S. - Could you explain Murphy's inner feelings? May be that way your readers would quit getting confused!
I am really liking this story...though I get confused at times...plenty of action sequences and now I know what a "moving story" is...keep up the good work!
P.S. - Could you explain Murphy's inner feelings? May be that way your readers would quit getting confused!
11/9/2008 c3 Dr. Harleen Quinzel
A m-month? a WHOLE MONTH? *strangled gasp* I'll be be brave until then...I won't c-c-c-cry ;_;
A m-month? a WHOLE MONTH? *strangled gasp* I'll be be brave until then...I won't c-c-c-cry ;_;
11/9/2008 c3 violinrunner
This is pretty neat. I'm puzzled as to what Marlene's death has to do with all this (and the ghost-talking things) but I like the idea. He's having to face off against the seven deadly sins, right?
A couple things to be careful of: you tend to switch back and forth between past and present tense.
Also, you're sometimes a little vague. For instance, when the narrator looked at Marlene's dogtags, he didn't specify that they were his daughters, and I thought somehow his daughter had come back to life; or, with the first killer, Pride, the way the narrator responded-no shock, only acknowledgement that someone was attacking him-made me think that "Pride" was some racist group, like a futuristic version of the Ku Klex Klan.
Anyway, I like the atmosphere you've set here. Look forward to seeing more.
This is pretty neat. I'm puzzled as to what Marlene's death has to do with all this (and the ghost-talking things) but I like the idea. He's having to face off against the seven deadly sins, right?
A couple things to be careful of: you tend to switch back and forth between past and present tense.
Also, you're sometimes a little vague. For instance, when the narrator looked at Marlene's dogtags, he didn't specify that they were his daughters, and I thought somehow his daughter had come back to life; or, with the first killer, Pride, the way the narrator responded-no shock, only acknowledgement that someone was attacking him-made me think that "Pride" was some racist group, like a futuristic version of the Ku Klex Klan.
Anyway, I like the atmosphere you've set here. Look forward to seeing more.
8/5/2008 c2 criti-sized
Another interesting chapter, Murphy's character is given more of a light in this one. Again, the intensity in it was nice, and the touch where the power went out was good. It sort of reminded me of when I was staying with my great grandmother in Egypt and there was a black out.
And besides light typos, the two chapters were great. The story seems to have an awesome plot.
C.S.
Another interesting chapter, Murphy's character is given more of a light in this one. Again, the intensity in it was nice, and the touch where the power went out was good. It sort of reminded me of when I was staying with my great grandmother in Egypt and there was a black out.
And besides light typos, the two chapters were great. The story seems to have an awesome plot.
C.S.
8/5/2008 c1 criti-sized
Okay, so here is my review. I remember one time seeing your story and I was gonna read it, but never got around to it. Ironic that I am now, lol.
[The sky was on fire. An entire range of colors danced high above my head, mocking even the most diverse autumn foliage.] O love these first two lines, they have such great imagery.
[Warm, wet breath tickles the inside of my ear. I'm deaf to the actual words, though.] Oh, I know how it feels to be near a gun when it goes off. My uncle has a ranch that we used to go out ot when we were kids, and we would just shoot the gun, lol.
I would have more in my review, but I'm at work, lol, and my boss is a pain in the ass.
The only thing that I really noticed was that you changed tenses on and off in the chapter besides some typos, but nothing really serious.
Okay, so here is my review. I remember one time seeing your story and I was gonna read it, but never got around to it. Ironic that I am now, lol.
[The sky was on fire. An entire range of colors danced high above my head, mocking even the most diverse autumn foliage.] O love these first two lines, they have such great imagery.
[Warm, wet breath tickles the inside of my ear. I'm deaf to the actual words, though.] Oh, I know how it feels to be near a gun when it goes off. My uncle has a ranch that we used to go out ot when we were kids, and we would just shoot the gun, lol.
I would have more in my review, but I'm at work, lol, and my boss is a pain in the ass.
The only thing that I really noticed was that you changed tenses on and off in the chapter besides some typos, but nothing really serious.
7/3/2008 c1 Tawny Owl
I thought that it was a nice twist that it was his daughter that he was fighting with rather than a love interest which is usually what happens.
Seeing them interact together like that was well made the ending particularly heartbreaking. I though you dealt with it really well, actually.
I got a real feel for Murphy through his voice as well. I felt really sympathetic towards him actually but I can’t quite place my finger on why.
I thought that it was a nice twist that it was his daughter that he was fighting with rather than a love interest which is usually what happens.
Seeing them interact together like that was well made the ending particularly heartbreaking. I though you dealt with it really well, actually.
I got a real feel for Murphy through his voice as well. I felt really sympathetic towards him actually but I can’t quite place my finger on why.
7/3/2008 c2 Alive Out of Habit
The only word I have for this is 'Wow'. Detail was amazing. You described everything perfectly. Pacing was excellent as well, the tension could not have been higher.
A few things I didn't like however.
I felt that the racial slurs, although needed for character, were quite heavy and overused. Almost every sentence that came out of his mouth was racist. I understand that it is needed for story, but just remember that it can be overdone.
I didn't quite get what the person was that attacked. You didn't describe him at all except for when Murphy referred to him as an old man. I'm still not sure weather he was a person or something else entirety.
Also the fight, although quite good, seemed to drag on a little bit too long. It felt that most of it was just the man circling around in the darkness until the crossbow was taken out.
Besides for those three things, an excellent addition to the story. Really hoping to read more in the future.
I noticed several mistakes but I lost them as this window decided to close. I went back though but was only able to find these.
someone else is here.Marlene is here!
I wouldn't daredraw my gun
^Spaces are needed
But I cam too far to turn back now.
^I've come
The only word I have for this is 'Wow'. Detail was amazing. You described everything perfectly. Pacing was excellent as well, the tension could not have been higher.
A few things I didn't like however.
I felt that the racial slurs, although needed for character, were quite heavy and overused. Almost every sentence that came out of his mouth was racist. I understand that it is needed for story, but just remember that it can be overdone.
I didn't quite get what the person was that attacked. You didn't describe him at all except for when Murphy referred to him as an old man. I'm still not sure weather he was a person or something else entirety.
Also the fight, although quite good, seemed to drag on a little bit too long. It felt that most of it was just the man circling around in the darkness until the crossbow was taken out.
Besides for those three things, an excellent addition to the story. Really hoping to read more in the future.
I noticed several mistakes but I lost them as this window decided to close. I went back though but was only able to find these.
someone else is here.Marlene is here!
I wouldn't daredraw my gun
^Spaces are needed
But I cam too far to turn back now.
^I've come
7/2/2008 c2 
2Ten ways to spoil dinner
What are thewords I'm looking for... good isn't good enough, neither is great wonderful awesome. This is one of those stories where I actually enjoy reading them. I can be a bit picky when choosing a good stories, but, this is good.
2Ten ways to spoil dinnerWhat are thewords I'm looking for... good isn't good enough, neither is great wonderful awesome. This is one of those stories where I actually enjoy reading them. I can be a bit picky when choosing a good stories, but, this is good.
6/30/2008 c1 Alive Out of Habit
Liked the story, you kept it a mystery of why they were even out in the desert to begin with until the end. The fight scene is clearly detailed and I was able to imagine the whole thing in my head. Everything flowed nicely. I really liked how you described their feelings in their eyes. A really nice touch.
One line I didn't understand was this
"My rifle hits the ground, sending a burst of hot lead erupting through the air."
Maybe its just my lack of experience with guns but I don't understand why it would go off by hitting the ground. Perhaps you can elaborate on that.
Found a couple errors here
"There's no way mydaughter is this weak..."
A space between my and daughter
"The sound was far away, but qt the same time, growing nearer"
qt? I think its suppose to be at.
Liked the story, you kept it a mystery of why they were even out in the desert to begin with until the end. The fight scene is clearly detailed and I was able to imagine the whole thing in my head. Everything flowed nicely. I really liked how you described their feelings in their eyes. A really nice touch.
One line I didn't understand was this
"My rifle hits the ground, sending a burst of hot lead erupting through the air."
Maybe its just my lack of experience with guns but I don't understand why it would go off by hitting the ground. Perhaps you can elaborate on that.
Found a couple errors here
"There's no way mydaughter is this weak..."
A space between my and daughter
"The sound was far away, but qt the same time, growing nearer"
qt? I think its suppose to be at.
6/21/2008 c1 xoxoAmeliaRose
That description was ubelieveable! i really liked. besides a few simple errors like "collapses" and "rifle" it was well. it flowed easily too.
That description was ubelieveable! i really liked. besides a few simple errors like "collapses" and "rifle" it was well. it flowed easily too.
5/4/2008 c1 15Zonne
Here is your FREEBIE Prize! Congrats
“” into deep pools of lavender, forming a chaotic blend, simultaneously standing out and blending in. A swirl of disarray, overlooking an endless sea of chestnut dunes.””
Second sentence is a fragment. Try:
into deep pools of lavender, forming a chaotic blend, simultaneously standing out and blending in; a swirl of disarray, overlooking an endless sea of chestnut dunes.
“”My shift was almost over; five, maybe ten more minutes. Each second is an eternity, made of nerves and sweat. My rifle is heavy, so I tuck it into my chest. “”
This is an example of the most difficult thing about your story. Changing tense. You do it often and while I think this an intriguing story and want to read on, the changing from is to was to is to was frustrates.
“”Despite its soft texture, the sand does not relieve much of the pain from impact. My head is reeling, and when I finally open my eyes, I'm looking down the barrel of a gun. My own gun, with my attacker behind it.””
Fragment – you could try: gun; my own gun, my attacker behind it.
I wrap my left hand around the muzzle, deflecting a shot past my right ear. I go deaf again, but I ignore it. My right hand jumps forward, grasping the stock of the rifle.
SHE SHOT AT HIM! Gasp. She’s pretty serious eh?
She recovers fast; too fast. I don't have time to line up a shot. I rush her instead, swinging the *rile* butt for her face.
Just a typo, “rile” should be rifle
My free hand lunges toward the concave side of her elbow, forcing it to buckle. She ccollapses on top of me, and I roll over.
Another spelling typo… ccollapses really only needs one c
"There's no way mydaughter is this weak..."
Space between my and daughter.
I knew that ould get to her. Ever since she was little,
ould should be would
The sound was far away, but qt the same time, growing nearer.
qt should be at
It was unmistakable, this rumbling sound. It was the sound of a vehicle, making its approach. The only unknown was it's nature: Was it friend, or foe?
it’s should be its
The truck lumbered on, mocking my indecision with unyielding progress. No doubt the driver could see us, but he didn't faulter for even a moment.
faulter should be falter
Okay, all that little stuff aside. I found this intriguing, repeatedly. First I wanted to know WHO and then was surprised that SHE was a girl, then surprised SHE was his DAUGHTER! Then the ending, ouch.
Well done building a lot of suspense and interest and being so NON-cliché. This story could go anywhere and be interesting because you built such a great character and opening.
Write on
Z
15ZonneHere is your FREEBIE Prize! Congrats
“” into deep pools of lavender, forming a chaotic blend, simultaneously standing out and blending in. A swirl of disarray, overlooking an endless sea of chestnut dunes.””
Second sentence is a fragment. Try:
into deep pools of lavender, forming a chaotic blend, simultaneously standing out and blending in; a swirl of disarray, overlooking an endless sea of chestnut dunes.
“”My shift was almost over; five, maybe ten more minutes. Each second is an eternity, made of nerves and sweat. My rifle is heavy, so I tuck it into my chest. “”
This is an example of the most difficult thing about your story. Changing tense. You do it often and while I think this an intriguing story and want to read on, the changing from is to was to is to was frustrates.
“”Despite its soft texture, the sand does not relieve much of the pain from impact. My head is reeling, and when I finally open my eyes, I'm looking down the barrel of a gun. My own gun, with my attacker behind it.””
Fragment – you could try: gun; my own gun, my attacker behind it.
I wrap my left hand around the muzzle, deflecting a shot past my right ear. I go deaf again, but I ignore it. My right hand jumps forward, grasping the stock of the rifle.
SHE SHOT AT HIM! Gasp. She’s pretty serious eh?
She recovers fast; too fast. I don't have time to line up a shot. I rush her instead, swinging the *rile* butt for her face.
Just a typo, “rile” should be rifle
My free hand lunges toward the concave side of her elbow, forcing it to buckle. She ccollapses on top of me, and I roll over.
Another spelling typo… ccollapses really only needs one c
"There's no way mydaughter is this weak..."
Space between my and daughter.
I knew that ould get to her. Ever since she was little,
ould should be would
The sound was far away, but qt the same time, growing nearer.
qt should be at
It was unmistakable, this rumbling sound. It was the sound of a vehicle, making its approach. The only unknown was it's nature: Was it friend, or foe?
it’s should be its
The truck lumbered on, mocking my indecision with unyielding progress. No doubt the driver could see us, but he didn't faulter for even a moment.
faulter should be falter
Okay, all that little stuff aside. I found this intriguing, repeatedly. First I wanted to know WHO and then was surprised that SHE was a girl, then surprised SHE was his DAUGHTER! Then the ending, ouch.
Well done building a lot of suspense and interest and being so NON-cliché. This story could go anywhere and be interesting because you built such a great character and opening.
Write on
Z
5/2/2008 c1 1poorkeitaro
First, let's get the typos out of the way. :)
typo - She ccollapses(collapses) on top of me, and I roll over. I was on top of her, and felt my face contort into a smile.
typo - "There's no way mydaughter(my daughter) is this weak..."
typo - The sound was far away, but qt the same time, growing nearer.
typo - "An ol(ol' or old) man like me... you should be ashamed of yourself."
I liked the characters a lot, and I think you did a brilliant job illustrating them. They are cookie-cutter, and they have aspects you agree with and disagree with; basically, they seem real.
You also picked a great spot to end the first chapter. I think one of the key elements to a successful story is making it hard on the reader to put the book down at the end of the chapter. :)
The plot read well also, however there was one spot that stuck out to me. During the skirmish between father and daughter, she nearly shot him in the head. That made it seem a lot more violent, and it's something I don't think a father and daughter would do in a scuffle. That's more life-or-death. Unless, of course, that was the intent; then disregard my comments. :)
Overall, I think you did a great job with this piece, and hopefully you have chapter two out sooner than later. :)
1poorkeitaroFirst, let's get the typos out of the way. :)
typo - She ccollapses(collapses) on top of me, and I roll over. I was on top of her, and felt my face contort into a smile.
typo - "There's no way mydaughter(my daughter) is this weak..."
typo - The sound was far away, but qt the same time, growing nearer.
typo - "An ol(ol' or old) man like me... you should be ashamed of yourself."
I liked the characters a lot, and I think you did a brilliant job illustrating them. They are cookie-cutter, and they have aspects you agree with and disagree with; basically, they seem real.
You also picked a great spot to end the first chapter. I think one of the key elements to a successful story is making it hard on the reader to put the book down at the end of the chapter. :)
The plot read well also, however there was one spot that stuck out to me. During the skirmish between father and daughter, she nearly shot him in the head. That made it seem a lot more violent, and it's something I don't think a father and daughter would do in a scuffle. That's more life-or-death. Unless, of course, that was the intent; then disregard my comments. :)
Overall, I think you did a great job with this piece, and hopefully you have chapter two out sooner than later. :)