for Hitchhiker5/17/2008 c1 snowdance
REVIEW OWED FOR REVIEW MARATHON:
Nice job. I liked the symbolism of the roadkill animals. Although, I noticed a spelling error: "tyre" is spelt "tire". But good job overall!
REVIEW OWED FOR REVIEW MARATHON:
Nice job. I liked the symbolism of the roadkill animals. Although, I noticed a spelling error: "tyre" is spelt "tire". But good job overall!
5/7/2008 c1 
2dragonflydreamer
Review #2!
Haha! Morbid poetry! You've gotta love this stuff XD I really like your darker style. It's hard to find on this site.
I don't know anything about Pierre Chanel, but you did a good job of getting some facts accross for people like me, so I wasn't completely lost. I don't know if this was intentional, but "smiling serenely" was a nice sort-of alliteration. That whole line was very well-written. I liked the two single lines a lot; the seperation gace those lines more importiance. The descriptions in general really helped the readers to see the situation play out in their minds.
You said this is a rough draft, right? So I assume you're still working on it? One thing I think you should keep in mind is using some poetical devices. The way you wrote it is deffinately more than a story, but there isn't much other than the format making it a poem, you know?
Eh, sorry if this review isn't very well-thought out. It's getting late here and I'm making a desperate attempt to meet the RM deadline. I'll try to check out some more of your stories later, and hopefully review them a little better. Byez!
2dragonflydreamerReview #2!
Haha! Morbid poetry! You've gotta love this stuff XD I really like your darker style. It's hard to find on this site.
I don't know anything about Pierre Chanel, but you did a good job of getting some facts accross for people like me, so I wasn't completely lost. I don't know if this was intentional, but "smiling serenely" was a nice sort-of alliteration. That whole line was very well-written. I liked the two single lines a lot; the seperation gace those lines more importiance. The descriptions in general really helped the readers to see the situation play out in their minds.
You said this is a rough draft, right? So I assume you're still working on it? One thing I think you should keep in mind is using some poetical devices. The way you wrote it is deffinately more than a story, but there isn't much other than the format making it a poem, you know?
Eh, sorry if this review isn't very well-thought out. It's getting late here and I'm making a desperate attempt to meet the RM deadline. I'll try to check out some more of your stories later, and hopefully review them a little better. Byez!
5/7/2008 c1 103Jesse the Storyteller
CONGRATULATIONS on winning the review game! You win a million dollars and a goat!
"Animals - that once has a home" here it should be had. :P
"As if God has put us all before a television screen" This is weird, putting "us" in here ... the entire rest of the poem is about him and her. "As if God has put the world before a television screen" sounds better, but yeah.
I really like the line "His hands are calloused" because it's an absolutely random detail, but also because when your hands are calloused, it's because they've done something over and over again... and it shows that he's done this so many times. Also, I dunno, it brings up images of a heart being calloused.
"Their eyes reflect in the headlights" is such an eerie line because people's eyes don't reflect in headlights, only animals. I don't know if dead people's eyes reflect in headlights. But it makes them seem no longer human. It's eerie.
-Jesse
103Jesse the StorytellerCONGRATULATIONS on winning the review game! You win a million dollars and a goat!
"Animals - that once has a home" here it should be had. :P
"As if God has put us all before a television screen" This is weird, putting "us" in here ... the entire rest of the poem is about him and her. "As if God has put the world before a television screen" sounds better, but yeah.
I really like the line "His hands are calloused" because it's an absolutely random detail, but also because when your hands are calloused, it's because they've done something over and over again... and it shows that he's done this so many times. Also, I dunno, it brings up images of a heart being calloused.
"Their eyes reflect in the headlights" is such an eerie line because people's eyes don't reflect in headlights, only animals. I don't know if dead people's eyes reflect in headlights. But it makes them seem no longer human. It's eerie.
-Jesse
5/5/2008 c1 Vanilla Tea
All the dead girls and animals around the road were really creepy, and it made the suspense build up well... Just a suggestion, when she's starting to see these bodies, I think you could have a couple lines about her being a little panicked because she' seeing them all over the road.
I like your descriptions in this poem, too. Great job and congrats on the Review Marathon!
All the dead girls and animals around the road were really creepy, and it made the suspense build up well... Just a suggestion, when she's starting to see these bodies, I think you could have a couple lines about her being a little panicked because she' seeing them all over the road.
I like your descriptions in this poem, too. Great job and congrats on the Review Marathon!
5/5/2008 c1 6asylum writer
Here's a review marathon prize!
I like the image of the hitchhiker at the beginning.
One thing I found kind of odd was the line about putting us all before a TV screen, because in the rest of the poem it was 'she' and the focus was on the girl, so it seemed out of place.
"bleach and blood, chemical and core." - nice description, but I'm not sure if 'core' is a typo or I just don't get it.
"Animals - that once has a home" - I'm more sure about that one. I think 'has' should be 'had'.
"Their eyes reflect in the headlights." That kind of seems backwards, because wouldn't the headlights be reflected in their eyes?
"The car stops.
His hands are calloused."
Great. I love that you don't just say something about him pushing/throwing/whatever her out of the cab - it's this little detail about his hands that says it all.
Overall, really good, kind of creepy, and I think I might go find out exactly what Pierre Chanel did...
6asylum writerHere's a review marathon prize!
I like the image of the hitchhiker at the beginning.
One thing I found kind of odd was the line about putting us all before a TV screen, because in the rest of the poem it was 'she' and the focus was on the girl, so it seemed out of place.
"bleach and blood, chemical and core." - nice description, but I'm not sure if 'core' is a typo or I just don't get it.
"Animals - that once has a home" - I'm more sure about that one. I think 'has' should be 'had'.
"Their eyes reflect in the headlights." That kind of seems backwards, because wouldn't the headlights be reflected in their eyes?
"The car stops.
His hands are calloused."
Great. I love that you don't just say something about him pushing/throwing/whatever her out of the cab - it's this little detail about his hands that says it all.
Overall, really good, kind of creepy, and I think I might go find out exactly what Pierre Chanel did...
4/26/2008 c1 5notazombie
Gratz on winning the marathon!
This is... pretty creepy. I really like the image at the beginning, with the arms outstretched and such. It's a good description of someone hitch-hiking. I'm not sure that I like how you broke up those two lines in the first section "Those fatal words: 'hope in'..." and so on. It might fit in better with the rest of the poem if you split it after "hop in" and maybe divided that then-massive line in half.
-Naz
5notazombieGratz on winning the marathon!
This is... pretty creepy. I really like the image at the beginning, with the arms outstretched and such. It's a good description of someone hitch-hiking. I'm not sure that I like how you broke up those two lines in the first section "Those fatal words: 'hope in'..." and so on. It might fit in better with the rest of the poem if you split it after "hop in" and maybe divided that then-massive line in half.
-Naz
4/24/2008 c1 8C.M.F Wright
Congratulations, oh illustrious winner of the review game!
This poem is creepy, chilling, and wonderfully written. Your use of imagery is amazing, subtle and beautiful. I absolutely love the line "The dubious vein of bleach and blood, chemical and core." (did you mean "gore"?) - as well as - "Animals - that once has a home, stretched out and soulless/Eviscerated by a rubber car tyre" (although I think you meant "had" instead of "has" for the last one).
Certain parts of the flow feel a little off to me, however. For instance, I feel as though this line:
Those fatal words: “hop in(.)” The driver’s cab is cold with
needs to be separated somehow. Perhaps you could start a new line for "The driver's cab..."
The use of "us" also threw me slightly in this line: "As if God has put us all before a television screen." It's the only time you make such a universal reference in the entire poem, and I feel as though it disrupts the flow a little. It seems as though it was just tossed in there.
"Their eyes reflect in the headlights." - Something about this line seems a little off to me. I don't think the verb "reflect" is usually followed by an "in". You could try "shine in the headlights"... or "reflect the headlights" would probably work too.
I really liked the ending and how you set abrupt, short lines apart from all the rest. It definitely made the emotional impact stronger. I also applaud you for the way you shifted from animals as roadkill to human girls... the transition and the parallels you drew between them were perfectly done. Overall, brilliant. Can't wait to read more of your stuff!
~Harmonic Discord
8C.M.F WrightCongratulations, oh illustrious winner of the review game!
This poem is creepy, chilling, and wonderfully written. Your use of imagery is amazing, subtle and beautiful. I absolutely love the line "The dubious vein of bleach and blood, chemical and core." (did you mean "gore"?) - as well as - "Animals - that once has a home, stretched out and soulless/Eviscerated by a rubber car tyre" (although I think you meant "had" instead of "has" for the last one).
Certain parts of the flow feel a little off to me, however. For instance, I feel as though this line:
Those fatal words: “hop in(.)” The driver’s cab is cold with
needs to be separated somehow. Perhaps you could start a new line for "The driver's cab..."
The use of "us" also threw me slightly in this line: "As if God has put us all before a television screen." It's the only time you make such a universal reference in the entire poem, and I feel as though it disrupts the flow a little. It seems as though it was just tossed in there.
"Their eyes reflect in the headlights." - Something about this line seems a little off to me. I don't think the verb "reflect" is usually followed by an "in". You could try "shine in the headlights"... or "reflect the headlights" would probably work too.
I really liked the ending and how you set abrupt, short lines apart from all the rest. It definitely made the emotional impact stronger. I also applaud you for the way you shifted from animals as roadkill to human girls... the transition and the parallels you drew between them were perfectly done. Overall, brilliant. Can't wait to read more of your stuff!
~Harmonic Discord
4/24/2008 c1 2theflyingcrabsareeatingmyhair
Congratz, oh mighty reviewer! Here is one of your prize reviews courtesy of the lovely flipper. Not as lovely as you are though ;)
Real fast, I think you've got a tiny typo at the end of the first stanza. Since "core" makes no sense, I'm assuming you meant "gore"? That's what you said in your summary. It's a cute summary, but I think the fact that it directly quotes the poem makes it a little weaker in my eyes (although I definitely have a prejudice against that stuff, so I don't always recognize when it's being used well), but since it's a draft, that's cool.
I also think that the comma on the first line of the third stanza might be misplaced. "roadkill, that lie splayed" feels awkward, doesn't seem grammatical, and looks especially out of place when you didn't punctuate "machinery grinding". Plus, when you take the comma out, that's a really great line. You took an unconventional way of phrasing yourself and gave it an excellent flow.
The second line of the third stanza... I think "that once has a home" should be "that once HAD a home".
The end of the third stanza is spectacular, in my humble opinion. The description of the girls is more than a little creepy, and at first, when you talk about the headlights in the eyes, I think they might still be alive, not moving and disgusting enough to attract insects... Oh, btw... "eyes reflect in the headlights" - did you mean "eyes reflecting the headlights"? I like that image better... reflecting in the headlights... they're the source of the light, so it doesn't make sense for there to be a reflection in them. Maybe I'm making a mistake and it's daytime (I feel like it's night), but even then, the glare from the sun would prevent any reflections. I thought it was a neater image with their eyes open lol! And by neat... I mean amazingly creepy and outstanding.
I love the idea of the insects giving life to the skin, too. So symbolic! Cept, I didn't sleep last night, and I haven't slept for a few days now, so my brain isn't working well enough to tell you what it's symbolic of. It's probably got something in common with the fly symbolism in Lord of the Flies, though. I've just got this feeling in my head that's making that connection for me... god... I'm going to have to review this again when I'm more lucid. I know it.
I love the way you describe his hands, too. You never really go into anything explicit, but you use little details like those to give the reader a sense of dread and a good idea of what's coming up. But you don't give us too much... you keep that sense of there being something unknown... suspense, I think I mean. That's a hard thing to do, at least for me. You're just amazing, I guess ;D
I was a little iffy about the roadkill imagery, though. It seems like you used it for no deeper purpose than to transition into the dead girls and to give yourself a way to describe them as being dead without using the word to describe them. BTW, dead hair... excellent. We know they're dead, but at the same time, hair is dead intrinsically, so... again with the suspense. Anyway, back to the roadkill. My point is, what does it mean? If you didn't give it one or can't think of one, then I think you should do more with it as you edit.
Also, the very first image... with her hitchhiking. I get an odd image... I see her with both arms outstretched to either side (a wingspan), her thumbs pointed up as she walks along the yellow line like a tightrope. Now, that's a cool image, but it's a little odd for a hitchhiker, so I'm wondering what you were doing with it.
And I mentioned that I love the quote for the summary. Great language, uses lots of senses, distinct smell, and well described... I feel like I know exactly what you mean, and disturbingly enough, there are a lot of cabs that smell like that...
Overall, a really great job. If fictionpress deletes this I will murder someone. No pun intended. You used lots of imagery and great language, unique takes on the whole scene, and you interact with all the senses which is always really good! I gotta go!
2theflyingcrabsareeatingmyhairCongratz, oh mighty reviewer! Here is one of your prize reviews courtesy of the lovely flipper. Not as lovely as you are though ;)
Real fast, I think you've got a tiny typo at the end of the first stanza. Since "core" makes no sense, I'm assuming you meant "gore"? That's what you said in your summary. It's a cute summary, but I think the fact that it directly quotes the poem makes it a little weaker in my eyes (although I definitely have a prejudice against that stuff, so I don't always recognize when it's being used well), but since it's a draft, that's cool.
I also think that the comma on the first line of the third stanza might be misplaced. "roadkill, that lie splayed" feels awkward, doesn't seem grammatical, and looks especially out of place when you didn't punctuate "machinery grinding". Plus, when you take the comma out, that's a really great line. You took an unconventional way of phrasing yourself and gave it an excellent flow.
The second line of the third stanza... I think "that once has a home" should be "that once HAD a home".
The end of the third stanza is spectacular, in my humble opinion. The description of the girls is more than a little creepy, and at first, when you talk about the headlights in the eyes, I think they might still be alive, not moving and disgusting enough to attract insects... Oh, btw... "eyes reflect in the headlights" - did you mean "eyes reflecting the headlights"? I like that image better... reflecting in the headlights... they're the source of the light, so it doesn't make sense for there to be a reflection in them. Maybe I'm making a mistake and it's daytime (I feel like it's night), but even then, the glare from the sun would prevent any reflections. I thought it was a neater image with their eyes open lol! And by neat... I mean amazingly creepy and outstanding.
I love the idea of the insects giving life to the skin, too. So symbolic! Cept, I didn't sleep last night, and I haven't slept for a few days now, so my brain isn't working well enough to tell you what it's symbolic of. It's probably got something in common with the fly symbolism in Lord of the Flies, though. I've just got this feeling in my head that's making that connection for me... god... I'm going to have to review this again when I'm more lucid. I know it.
I love the way you describe his hands, too. You never really go into anything explicit, but you use little details like those to give the reader a sense of dread and a good idea of what's coming up. But you don't give us too much... you keep that sense of there being something unknown... suspense, I think I mean. That's a hard thing to do, at least for me. You're just amazing, I guess ;D
I was a little iffy about the roadkill imagery, though. It seems like you used it for no deeper purpose than to transition into the dead girls and to give yourself a way to describe them as being dead without using the word to describe them. BTW, dead hair... excellent. We know they're dead, but at the same time, hair is dead intrinsically, so... again with the suspense. Anyway, back to the roadkill. My point is, what does it mean? If you didn't give it one or can't think of one, then I think you should do more with it as you edit.
Also, the very first image... with her hitchhiking. I get an odd image... I see her with both arms outstretched to either side (a wingspan), her thumbs pointed up as she walks along the yellow line like a tightrope. Now, that's a cool image, but it's a little odd for a hitchhiker, so I'm wondering what you were doing with it.
And I mentioned that I love the quote for the summary. Great language, uses lots of senses, distinct smell, and well described... I feel like I know exactly what you mean, and disturbingly enough, there are a lot of cabs that smell like that...
Overall, a really great job. If fictionpress deletes this I will murder someone. No pun intended. You used lots of imagery and great language, unique takes on the whole scene, and you interact with all the senses which is always really good! I gotta go!