for Earth to Elizabeth4/22/2009 c12 
1paperbullet
Wow. You've got the powah.
If "My Suicidal Teddy Bear" is anywhere as good as this, you've got a career waiting for ya.
The only problem, as you yourself noticed, was a total lack of plot. Good characters, great dialogue and timing, but no plot. You ought to reread some old classics, or professional literary criticism, and figure out what turns a natural-born writer into a writing god.
You are my favorite writer on FictionPress. Even more than the people I actually know, which means you're pretty dang good. :D
1paperbulletWow. You've got the powah.
If "My Suicidal Teddy Bear" is anywhere as good as this, you've got a career waiting for ya.
The only problem, as you yourself noticed, was a total lack of plot. Good characters, great dialogue and timing, but no plot. You ought to reread some old classics, or professional literary criticism, and figure out what turns a natural-born writer into a writing god.
You are my favorite writer on FictionPress. Even more than the people I actually know, which means you're pretty dang good. :D
6/21/2008 c10 Claudia
You have to continue! I love this story! It really makes me laugh!
Update Please!
You have to continue! I love this story! It really makes me laugh!
Update Please!
6/21/2008 c8 claudia
But...i like Jacob. I like this story!
But...i like Jacob. I like this story!
6/21/2008 c10 xbrunnettex0
i think u should continue the story. i just dont really know where its going? so maybe thats why its kinda dragging? maybe as u do more chapters it will drag less. its still good and u shouldnt give up on it.
i think u should continue the story. i just dont really know where its going? so maybe thats why its kinda dragging? maybe as u do more chapters it will drag less. its still good and u shouldnt give up on it.
6/4/2008 c9 5Mileana
"I rushed to get reading." Ready? Not that reading isn't important.
"I had a hitch in my side and it hurt like hell." I think you meant 'stitch'.
I like how he was in huge rush and then plays it cool in front of Elizabeth. Such a guy thing.
But although he was late and forgot I don't think she should get worked up so quickly, maybe if continued to be like that throughout the conversation but I thought it was a bit sudden. Though I do feel bad for him now. Oh! Who's the mystery girl? No don't tell me. I'll wait. Impaitently. Very. Impaitently.
5Mileana"I rushed to get reading." Ready? Not that reading isn't important.
"I had a hitch in my side and it hurt like hell." I think you meant 'stitch'.
I like how he was in huge rush and then plays it cool in front of Elizabeth. Such a guy thing.
But although he was late and forgot I don't think she should get worked up so quickly, maybe if continued to be like that throughout the conversation but I thought it was a bit sudden. Though I do feel bad for him now. Oh! Who's the mystery girl? No don't tell me. I'll wait. Impaitently. Very. Impaitently.
6/4/2008 c8 Mileana
I am a big softie at heart so I approve entirely of all mushiness. The flashback was cute. No typos as far as I can see, good job there. Good description in the chapter as well and Elizabeth was all sweet as well. It was nice seeing a different side to her.
I think that's it. God, great help I am.
I am a big softie at heart so I approve entirely of all mushiness. The flashback was cute. No typos as far as I can see, good job there. Good description in the chapter as well and Elizabeth was all sweet as well. It was nice seeing a different side to her.
I think that's it. God, great help I am.
6/4/2008 c7 Mileana
I do like Austin. I feel like Elizabeth maybe had been influenced a bit by his personality? Yes? No? Maybe so? She seemed a bit too emotional all of a sudden when he said he was leaving. Try to build up to it a bit more.
It seems like we're just switching from guy to guy. Her two friends that were girls we're just sort of cut out of the story immediately. But I'm interested to see what Austin's appearance will have on her and Jacob.
I do like Austin. I feel like Elizabeth maybe had been influenced a bit by his personality? Yes? No? Maybe so? She seemed a bit too emotional all of a sudden when he said he was leaving. Try to build up to it a bit more.
It seems like we're just switching from guy to guy. Her two friends that were girls we're just sort of cut out of the story immediately. But I'm interested to see what Austin's appearance will have on her and Jacob.
6/4/2008 c6 Mileana
In general I think it would be good to have more of what Elizabeth is feeling. Especially since she's a different character that one that people are used to reading about I think it would be good to get her perspective more often. You can add things like that in really simply with a paragraph or even just a line or two in certain places. For example when she found Lila with the pot it would be good to hear of what Elizabeth thought on the matter and what she felt about it rather then just moving along quickly.
So cute that Charlie asked her permission to pee. So. Cute. I'll contradict myself here to say that I actually really liked this cliff hanger. It fitted in nicely and had me clicking for the next bit quickly.
In general I think it would be good to have more of what Elizabeth is feeling. Especially since she's a different character that one that people are used to reading about I think it would be good to get her perspective more often. You can add things like that in really simply with a paragraph or even just a line or two in certain places. For example when she found Lila with the pot it would be good to hear of what Elizabeth thought on the matter and what she felt about it rather then just moving along quickly.
So cute that Charlie asked her permission to pee. So. Cute. I'll contradict myself here to say that I actually really liked this cliff hanger. It fitted in nicely and had me clicking for the next bit quickly.
6/4/2008 c5 Mileana
Ah, the underwear thing was genius. I felt so bad for Charlie!
Not much to say in this chapter. So excuse me while I nitpick away.
"I took a deep breath and yanked them up, they finally came up."
You used 'up' twice. There's my helpful advice. Good chapter! Interesting that you base them of people you know. Do they know, I wonder?
Ah, the underwear thing was genius. I felt so bad for Charlie!
Not much to say in this chapter. So excuse me while I nitpick away.
"I took a deep breath and yanked them up, they finally came up."
You used 'up' twice. There's my helpful advice. Good chapter! Interesting that you base them of people you know. Do they know, I wonder?
6/4/2008 c4 Mileana
You switch tenses near the begining.
"They first met in the bathroom" I think you mean 'We'.
You don't really need to put in that it's a flashback scene if it's in italics, the reader should be able to get it or you could put in something like 'I remembered when...'
Lila sounds cool, I like her already. I notice that your chapters always end with the mini cliffhanger of someone talking to her. Try to end some chapters so that they seem more finished. (Ick, that doesn't make sense.) In this one for example you could have ended with her waiting for her other friends to arrive. That way when you do end the chapter with a cliff hanger it's much more exciting.
I also just realised that you've been naming your chapters. I love it when authors do that, I think it's a nice touch.
You switch tenses near the begining.
"They first met in the bathroom" I think you mean 'We'.
You don't really need to put in that it's a flashback scene if it's in italics, the reader should be able to get it or you could put in something like 'I remembered when...'
Lila sounds cool, I like her already. I notice that your chapters always end with the mini cliffhanger of someone talking to her. Try to end some chapters so that they seem more finished. (Ick, that doesn't make sense.) In this one for example you could have ended with her waiting for her other friends to arrive. That way when you do end the chapter with a cliff hanger it's much more exciting.
I also just realised that you've been naming your chapters. I love it when authors do that, I think it's a nice touch.
6/4/2008 c3 Mileana
I thought it was Jacob! I felt Bryce was kind of random though. If you gave some background information there or even just stated that they knew each other it would clear things up. The skateplex sounds cool. I wish they had something like that where I live. Interested to see who the mystery guy is...
I thought it was Jacob! I felt Bryce was kind of random though. If you gave some background information there or even just stated that they knew each other it would clear things up. The skateplex sounds cool. I wish they had something like that where I live. Interested to see who the mystery guy is...
6/4/2008 c2 Mileana
I do understand! I'll stop repeating myself in reviews from now on but do watch out for the comma thing.
The fact that they ran into each other 'literally' is hilarious.
This chapter moved at a nice pace. The first one seemed a bit rushed, but I thought it flowed well here. I liked how you gave some insight into Elizabth as well over the whole Sophie thing. It's interesting how in most stories she would be categorized as 'the bitch' but here we get to see her point of view on things. It's a good idea.
I do understand! I'll stop repeating myself in reviews from now on but do watch out for the comma thing.
The fact that they ran into each other 'literally' is hilarious.
This chapter moved at a nice pace. The first one seemed a bit rushed, but I thought it flowed well here. I liked how you gave some insight into Elizabth as well over the whole Sophie thing. It's interesting how in most stories she would be categorized as 'the bitch' but here we get to see her point of view on things. It's a good idea.
6/4/2008 c1 Mileana
A nice introduction to the character at the start.
What I noticed quite a bit was that you added on 's to a lot of words. For example:
"He’s was" should be just 'he's' or 'he was'.
Also "who'd I" should be 'who I'd'.
They're quite easy mistakes to make so watch out for them!
The pencil thing made me laugh. Some of the commas are a bit out of place, try using a conjunction or a semicolon. Poor Sophie! The last line confused me a bit but I shall go onwards to next chapter to see if I can understand. Yay!
A nice introduction to the character at the start.
What I noticed quite a bit was that you added on 's to a lot of words. For example:
"He’s was" should be just 'he's' or 'he was'.
Also "who'd I" should be 'who I'd'.
They're quite easy mistakes to make so watch out for them!
The pencil thing made me laugh. Some of the commas are a bit out of place, try using a conjunction or a semicolon. Poor Sophie! The last line confused me a bit but I shall go onwards to next chapter to see if I can understand. Yay!
6/4/2008 c2 2LizzyHyphenWooSmilieKate
Cool story!
I love her name. That's why I started reading it. Hehe.
Lizzy
2LizzyHyphenWooSmilieKateCool story!
I love her name. That's why I started reading it. Hehe.
Lizzy
6/2/2008 c9 9Stooped
It's his MOTHER isn't it? Nah, just kidding. But you need to put more Austin chapters in this story! And is THIS guy the final guy who she's finally going to end up together with? I ope so. I kinda like arrogant guys in stories. Anyways. This is very good and you need to continue very quickly!
9StoopedIt's his MOTHER isn't it? Nah, just kidding. But you need to put more Austin chapters in this story! And is THIS guy the final guy who she's finally going to end up together with? I ope so. I kinda like arrogant guys in stories. Anyways. This is very good and you need to continue very quickly!