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5/1/2008 c6 2pinkdottedlily
Aw! That's so sweet. Anyway update soon!
5/1/2008 c6 serendipity90
sweet! cant wait to c what happens next :)
4/30/2008 c6 21Faith Adeline
good chapter. I liked it. Keep it up and update soon.

4/30/2008 c6 tffny012
i love how you update so quickly! and i love this story!
4/30/2008 c6 tobslytobby
ooh, i really liked the last line of this chapter, i don't know...it just seemed simple..yet perfect. anyways i love this story, i think i've mentioned this in a few of my reviews already, oh well. can't wait for the next chapter. update soon.
4/30/2008 c6 989East-0f-Eden
loved the last bit. specially the last sentence. And that was how they met. it just seems so pleasant. wonderful!
4/30/2008 c6 12Alice B. Black
Lovely chapter. The two seem perfect for each other and they only just met. I can't get enough of this story, I really do love it.
4/30/2008 c6 pinkeclipse
yay! thanks! well she meets him...he already "found" her...thanks again!
4/30/2008 c5 8C. D. Louise
Remember, make your dialogue seem believable. Advice: note how you and your friends talk to eachother. Do you talk in long sentences like, "Now I'm going to bed since I've to watch my little niece tomorrow." or would you say, "Now I'm going to bed. I have to watch my little niece tomorrow."

Just try to notice how you and your friends speak from day to day...if you use broken sentences or long detailed sentences.

Also, try to vary your sentences a bit. In four consecutive sentences you began with Gerunds and then Layla's action, and then you used one a sentence after the sentence after those. It's okay to break sentences up.

Example: instead of, "Humming absentmindedly to herself, Layla set the towels down on the small stand by the sink. Turning on the faucets, she waited for the water to turn warm as she stripped down," because that's too repetative, try, "She hummed absentmindedly to herself as she set the towels on a small stand beside the sink. Turning on the faucets..." etc etc etc...just change the wording a bit. You see?

It's not like a research paper. You don't have to elaborate on every sentence.

For example, instead of saying, "“Oh Dad, do I have to? I really want that glow in the dark frisbee and it costs fifty five tickets,” Michael tried to explain his reasoning for stealing the tickets from his younger sister," because that's redundant, since we already know he was trying to explain, just say, "Michael tried to explain" and just leave it at that.

One more little piece of advice, because I know I'll get annoying, but I got confused at this sentence at first before I double-checked. You wrote, "Studying the determined look on his sister's face, all the desperation had seemed to have melted away." That sounds like your saying Ronnie's desperation melted away or 'all the desperation' was studying his sister's face, which is preposterous. Again, the darn gerund. Try, "Studying the determined look on his sister's face, he noticed that all the desperation..." etc etc etc...The gerund always operates on the subject directly after the comma, because 'Studying his sister's face' is not a complete sentence, and you have to finish it directly after the comma.

It's like yoda-speak: "Studying his sister's face, he was." It's a complete sentence...just switched around.

Sorry, I'm getting annoying! I'll stop!

Love your writing though. You have a fabulous talent for plot and creativity!
4/30/2008 c5 Lyra Waterflame
O... Good Chapter! Please write more soon! PLEASE!
4/29/2008 c5 4predict.this
Oh yes, what's he going to do with her now? Can't wait for the next chapter!
4/29/2008 c5 If looks could kill
yay they meet...now it'll be downhill from here...haha jk i can't wait to see what you come up with
4/29/2008 c5 tobslytobby
Great, great chapter. i loved it. really interesting. can't wait for the next update.
4/29/2008 c5 989East-0f-Eden
Oh, yes! I can't wait to see what happens now. Thus far this has been your best. Even A Maid's Tale doesn't compare. I love you character development on this. :)
4/29/2008 c5 21Faith Adeline
hmm. this was a good chapter. again, be careful about not combining like I am, it just sounds awkward. Keep it up and update soon :)

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