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for When You Wish upon a Star

5/19/2008 c15 7Translucently Opaque
Poor Tour Guide. He’s so miserable. I wonder what would make him happy…

“He had almost reached the top, a narrowed tip from which projected a curled leaf and on which sat the tree rat, its tail braided with the stalk.” - this is an awkward sentence with too many whichs. That could be fixed by splitting it into two sentences.

Random thing: in the chapter name for Chapter Eight (in the drop-down list), you haven’t capitalized ‘lost.’ I don’t know why I suddenly noticed this, and it’s not like it actually matters, but I just thought I’d point it out.

I look forward to an update!
5/19/2008 c14 Translucently Opaque
Sera’s conversations with Ress are always hysterical. He’s so calm and laid back, and she’s tripping over her words and blushing redder than a raspberry. It’s so easy to see the scene play out in my head.

“Your dad has one eye and a dirty ear?” - that was funny.

“Of all the dumb to say.” - you’re missing a word.

To answer your question; I thought the flashbacks worked, but it would also be possible to do it differently and have it work even better. I don’t think you should do a billion separate scenes -that would be too choppy- but you could put it all in one chapter and make it even more a part of the narrative. For example, you end the chapter with “Could he tell her?” Then the next chapter would be from Zyhr’s point of view as if he were back selling umbrellas or whatever, highlighting the same things you highlighted previously, but in a less expository form. Then, beginning a new chapter, have Ekolaya hit him and continue on as normal. That’s my suggestion, but it’s author’s prerogative of course.

Once again, a great chapter. I leave now to read the next one.
5/15/2008 c13 Translucently Opaque
Funny. Of all the things to wish for…

I love it how Ekolayla is trying to get his attention all throughout his flashback. And then she hits him. Brilliant.

“The only trouble was it “really worked” on beings fingers as well.” - beings’.

“Because if some being likes you, then you can like yourself again.” - that’s hilarious. Trust a ‘juvenile’ to think of something so simple.
5/14/2008 c12 Translucently Opaque
That beginning metaphor was probably the weirdest I’ve ever heard. Not that that’s a bad thing. It was definitely vivid. I wonder how Tour Guide fits into all this at the end.
5/14/2008 c11 Translucently Opaque
Aaw. That’s so cool. I love how you tied the two threads together, and that’s so sweet. Of course, we still have to find out -why- Ress has a random zebra. I’m sure that will be interesting.
5/13/2008 c10 Translucently Opaque
Sorry it’s been forever since I’ve reviewed. Heh. You can just apply the same excuses I used last time.

I really like Zhyr. It will be interesting to hear his past.

The one thing I noticed in this chapter is that you always use the words ‘this star’ to refer to where they are, when it would seem more natural for them to use ‘here.’ For example, you would probably say “I didn’t expect to see you -here-” not “I didn’t expect to see you at -this house-.” You use it three times in “What was I thinking letting her stay on this star?,” “It’s not her fault I’m on this star.”, “It's not your fault I'm stuck on this star.”. It just caught my eye.

Fine. “Will you forgive me?” He felt a piece of his soul die,” - heh. That’s hilarious.

“as if he were prying out his knee cap with a soup ladle.” - ouch. That’s… creative?

Another fantastic chapter. I’ll try to be back soon to read the other chapters.
5/9/2008 c9 Translucently Opaque
Heh. I like that. Staring contest with the ceiling, and guess who won... Is poor Tour Guide ever named, or does he remain simply Tour Guide?
5/8/2008 c8 Translucently Opaque
Oh, that was an incredibly amusing chapter. I could barely stop laughing, from “Oh, my God, I’m so sorry!” to the very end. Both times I read it. Absolutely hilarious. I love it how Ress is just amused by her accidentally suggestive words and hurried backtracking. So funny.

“She pulled onto Greenview and into the parking lot for Greenview Apartment Housing. She switched off the engine, climbed out of her car, and locked the doors. She scuffed up the stairwell to the second floor, turned left, and stopped.” - there are a bit too many “she’s” beginning the sentences. It gets rather monotonous.

“Sera shook her head to clear her, checking to make sure she wasn’t drooling.” - I think you’re missing a word here?

“Well, if your sure, then I will leave you two to get acquainted.” - if you’re sure.

“That isn’t the strangest reply she had ever received.” - should that be ‘that wasn’t’?

Question; what was Ress holding? Whatever it was, I think he left it on the bench.

The Lone Islands is coming along, ever so slowly. I keep on rewriting Chapter Five; I just can’t make it come out the way I want it to. I’ll try to have it up this weekend, though.

Update soon! Really, I can’t wait!
5/7/2008 c7 Translucently Opaque
Oh. Poor Zyhr. I feel like him sometimes, too. He's really cool. Wow. You’re just really, really, good at making awesome, relatable, empathetic characters. Heh. I love your swear substitutions. And the whole wishing thing is also very clever.

“The Milky Way Gallery Wishing Star.” - I know that this was probably intentional, but I just wanted to make sure. Because I thought that “Arist” was intentional, too. No harm in checking.

“Of course, its a being-made star.” - it’s.

“No,” he pushed her hand away. You may not touch them, but you may watch.” - needs a quotation mark.

I look forward to reading the next chapter.
5/7/2008 c6 Translucently Opaque
Clever. Press a button, wait nine months, and there you have it. Just be careful about that return key. I love it how foreigners call the Z the N. Heh. Stupid foreigners.

I like Tour Guide. I kind of feel sorry for him. I feel like him sometimes, especially regarding bright colors and overly cheerful people.

It’s okay. Sarcastic humor is always good, if done well. And, if I may say so, you do it quite well.

“…and carelessly ejected it into open space with rest of the trash.” - with the rest of the trash.

“What did you that, dear?” she asked. “I couldn’t hear you.” - do you mean “what did you -say-”? Or something else?
5/7/2008 c5 Translucently Opaque
Hehe. I kind of like this guy. He’s rather amusing in his resentment of the world.

The one thing I noticed about this chapter actually pertains to Chapter Two, in which you said the “Arist.” I now realize that you meant to say the “Artist.”
5/5/2008 c4 Translucently Opaque
Ooh. Poor Sera. She’s so sad.

Hmm. Isaak is a very interesting character. I kind of like him, but in a wary sort of way. I’m not sure about him, but he kind of reminds me of myself. Heh. Hopefully he doesn’t turn out to be a mass murderer or something equally creepy. That just wouldn’t look good for me. Optimistic mortician though. That’s perfect. I considered being a mortician, so that was just even more intriguing. I’m not an optimist though. I like to consider myself more of a realist, though others would probably say pessimist hands down. Anyway, I would suggest mentioning Isaak’s age a bit earlier. When I read the first chapter, I thought he was years younger for some reason.

I love how Sera’s mind works. You really described it perfectly when you say she has the ability “to turn even the most abstract noun into a suitable illustration for applicability.” It’s really fascinating.

I’m glad you explained about Rachel before readers will forget she was mentioned. I was going to bring it up if it wasn’t discussed in this chapter, but you saved yourself. A difficult situation to be sure. However, I’m not sure how their parent’s could have -not- known about Rachel’s addiction. Wouldn’t the autopsy have revealed that she overdosed? Then again, I’m not really familiar with the process, so maybe I’m wrong.

“Of course you do. When she was around. It took the brunt of Dad’s frustration away from you.” - I, personally, think that the period after ‘around’ would work better as a comma. It makes the sentence flow more naturally.

“On Rachel’s 18h birthday, someone slipped her 55 pure.” - 18th not 18h.

“Give Dad a little more credit, Sera. He would have stopped her allowance if he knew she using.” - knew she -was- using.

“Sera rolled her eyes. “I don’t want to know.”- wouldn’t she care a bit more? Her sister having died of heroin abuse? Or does she just know Isaak well enough to know that he wouldn’t?

“Do you honestly think it was all raspberries and sugar for me?” - That made me laugh. I’ve never heard that phrase before. I will now use it constantly.

“Only Isaak would know what lentils are.” - Hey, I know what lentils are. I eat them quite regularly, and they’re quite tasty if prepared correctly. Ha. Sorry, just had to put that in.

“You’ll definitely cause one if you tell them this, and I won’t be too happy about either.” - happy about -it- either.

“Sera couldn’t find the star she’d wished to earlier.” - would that be wished ‘to’ or wished ‘on’?

“That was something else she wasn’t going to tell Isaak.” - what was the first thing?

“Or are you like Dad and think when she died it erased her from family as well?” - this sentence is rather awkward, try rephrasing it.

“She always looked at me the same way she did Dad,…” - this seems overly formal. I would revise it. Unless, of course, it’s part of his character.

“He’s probably afraid the same things going to happen to you.” - the same -thing’s -going…?

“It was a small wonder why Jesus called his followers a flock. All the senseless bleating and grazing and clopping along behind someone without question…” - yeah, no kidding. Sadly, so true.

“Ham. Is unpleasant and unworthy of consideration.” - I don’t know why, but I found this sentence to be incredibly hysterical, and I drew many confused looks from the other people in the vicinity with my rather maniacal laughter. Stop being funny, or you’re going to get me admitted into a psych ward.

Well, I’ve rambled on long enough. I’ll be back to read chapter Four when I can. Ha. Every writer needs at least one loyal reader. It makes writing worthwhile.
5/3/2008 c3 Translucently Opaque
Ha. I kind of feel sorry for the poor Tour Guide, having dealt with such inquisitive children many times in the past. My only thing about this chapter is that, until you say "in the nothingness of space," it's not fully clear that they're in outer space. Or, it might be to an intelligent, perceptive reader, but as a writer, you sadly must deal with those readers which are less than smart. Anyway, another great, well-written chapter. I look forward to reading the next when life allows me a few seconds more free time.
5/2/2008 c3 3Natasha Unwritten
ha! i really like the idea behind this story! Will be looking for more in the future.

5/1/2008 c2 7Translucently Opaque
I don’t think I can come up with an adjective apposite to describe this. Shall I go with ? Seriously fantastic! Your characters are well-rounded, empathetic, diverse, non-clichéd, and Sera is a genius of epic proportions. If someone gave a pre-sermon talk comparing Jesus Christ to a ‘lowly zebra’ I would applaud them. And personally, I think Jesus himself would, too.

“Only then would the alarm go off.” - Not sure about this, but should that be, “Only then -did- the alarm go off.”?

“…watching with disgust at the bubbles of saliva forming at the creases of the priest’s lips.” - Ugh. That’s gross. Look over the sentence, though. I don’t think that the ‘at’ is necessary. Or maybe a word other than ‘watching’ is needed?

“The most irrational thing I've ever heard: Jesus Christ our Savior reduced to a lowly zebra.” - The priest used the word ‘lowly’ as well, and, unless she herself used that word in her speech, I find it unlikely that they’d both use the same adjective.

“Were you intending to call our Lord and Savior a jack ass?” - That made me laugh. However, I think jackass one word, though I suppose it would work either way.

I love it how Sera starts to take a shower with her pajamas on and then she drops them “with the sort of splat one might expect from a syrupy pancake.” Hilarious. And the amount of thought and description that goes into your metaphors is just amazing. This being especially evident when you describe the way she drives.

This is definitely your best work yet! I can’t wait to read more, so update soon.
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