for The Hunter's Moon8/19/2008 c2 kagomi010
wat a weird story
wat a weird story
6/24/2008 c4 
82Solemn Coyote
Okay, it's been a while but I do still intend on reading and reviewing this story. It's well worth it.
1) At first glance, this is another gigantic chapter. I am simultaneously impressed with your prolificness as a writer and your dedication to the story. However, this chapter might also be worth splitting up a little bit. You know, for picky ficpress readers.
2)"Really, she was being a child! He was just a man, no different than the others that she had met!" And that encapsulates the romantic tension perfectly.
3)"Tilting his head, quite like a dog, John smiled." I usually have a hard time wrangling with gothic prose. Consequence of being a modern reader, I guess, and expecting every story to zip right along and/or feature vampires. But the writing here has a lot of moments that I can see quite clearly. Maybe because they're simply written, compared with the rest of the narrative.
I'm not really saying that you should simplify your style, here. Just that I like the way you're writing.
4)"I must congratulate you for your labor, as I certainly would not have been capable of completing such strenuous labor." Little bit of word repetition there, but it's kinda hard to avoid when you're writing a lot of long, ornate sentences.
5)"He broke off as he reached into his trousers' pocket, finally pulling out a large silver keyring, though there was only a small corroded skeleton key on it." The fact that Aldric and John probably have all the keys in the mansion has great potential to be played up for suspense.
Incidentally, have you ever seen the movie "The Others?"
6)"I fear that the late Master and myself did not find each other's affections agreeable. I suppose you could almost say we rather disliked each other, despite the fact that we only had each other for company." I imagine that is the sort of sentence that would have made Victorian readers shiver with anticipation. It's very, very atmospheric. It's also probably the most artfully blunt foreshadow I've ever seen.
Aldric was alone with the late master, whom he disliked, around the time of his death? Whatever could have happened there?
My current theory is that the mistress of the house fell in love with Aldric. Alas, it was a doomed love, and it angered the master. Who attacked Aldric. Left with no choice, Aldric defended himself and inadvertently killed the master in the process.
7)"She wanted to indulge herself and move closer to him, but that was not what women did. If she wanted to be closer, she would have to be pulled. So she decided to not move at all." That made me laugh. Good writing.
8)"the dining table in all it's silver and lacey finery" horrible, horrible nitpick that makes me feel horrible for making it 'cause no one else will notice it: "its"
9)"He started to led her to the washing room" also a nitpick: "lead"
10)"but sometimes water is imported whenever an opera or an event is approaching." I am willing to believe that is a historical fact on account of how crazy it is. Kudos for digging that up.
11)"He was a butler. There was nothing wrong with undressing in front of a butler." I kinda agree with Renee. I would totally be hesitant about undressing in front of a butler. Especially a butler who may or may not have killed a man.
12)"I am used to the female body. I was normally charged with bathing the late Mistress Mary during the time she lived with the late Master," I so totally called that they were an item!
Er, *ahem*. Sometimes my inner fangirl gets the better of me.
13)"I am afraid a love affair of any sort would have been very difficult, for you see, I was only at the tender age of eleven when she died." Curses! You are too clever for me.
14)"It's probably a squirrel or summa' inth' unfinished tower." Have I mentioned that this story has *everything*? Death, insanity, ghosts, mysterious heiresses, butlers with a past, unfinished towers. I am impressed. I also suspect a lot of the subtly-poking-fun-at-penny-dreadfuls jokes go way over my head.
15)""But, j-just in case..." She clutched his hand in both of hers. "... please do not let go."" Snapple fact: ghosts can be repelled with the power of hugs.
16)"A woman?" All bets are back on for Aldric having a secret affair.
17)"If it's sum sorts o' spook, then it can't 'urt thee, reet? Besides, if it's sum bloke, li' I think, 'e wouldn't 'urt a lush lady li' theeself, reet?" John's logic is impeccably Victorian. I'm loving the way the characters behave, by the way. It's not terribly flashy, but it's very consistent. And sorta gives me the feeling that I know them well. Which is really cool.
18)Le fantome? This was an awesome, awesome chapter. And it ended with a probable ghost. I could not be happier.
)"And a BIG 'Thank You!', Solemn Coyote! Your review(s) have been a great help (and very-very fun to read)." Oh, stop. I blush.
Seriously, though. That's a huge compliment. I review both to critique and to encourage, and if my feedback has been doing either one of those, that makes me happy.
-SC
82Solemn CoyoteOkay, it's been a while but I do still intend on reading and reviewing this story. It's well worth it.
1) At first glance, this is another gigantic chapter. I am simultaneously impressed with your prolificness as a writer and your dedication to the story. However, this chapter might also be worth splitting up a little bit. You know, for picky ficpress readers.
2)"Really, she was being a child! He was just a man, no different than the others that she had met!" And that encapsulates the romantic tension perfectly.
3)"Tilting his head, quite like a dog, John smiled." I usually have a hard time wrangling with gothic prose. Consequence of being a modern reader, I guess, and expecting every story to zip right along and/or feature vampires. But the writing here has a lot of moments that I can see quite clearly. Maybe because they're simply written, compared with the rest of the narrative.
I'm not really saying that you should simplify your style, here. Just that I like the way you're writing.
4)"I must congratulate you for your labor, as I certainly would not have been capable of completing such strenuous labor." Little bit of word repetition there, but it's kinda hard to avoid when you're writing a lot of long, ornate sentences.
5)"He broke off as he reached into his trousers' pocket, finally pulling out a large silver keyring, though there was only a small corroded skeleton key on it." The fact that Aldric and John probably have all the keys in the mansion has great potential to be played up for suspense.
Incidentally, have you ever seen the movie "The Others?"
6)"I fear that the late Master and myself did not find each other's affections agreeable. I suppose you could almost say we rather disliked each other, despite the fact that we only had each other for company." I imagine that is the sort of sentence that would have made Victorian readers shiver with anticipation. It's very, very atmospheric. It's also probably the most artfully blunt foreshadow I've ever seen.
Aldric was alone with the late master, whom he disliked, around the time of his death? Whatever could have happened there?
My current theory is that the mistress of the house fell in love with Aldric. Alas, it was a doomed love, and it angered the master. Who attacked Aldric. Left with no choice, Aldric defended himself and inadvertently killed the master in the process.
7)"She wanted to indulge herself and move closer to him, but that was not what women did. If she wanted to be closer, she would have to be pulled. So she decided to not move at all." That made me laugh. Good writing.
8)"the dining table in all it's silver and lacey finery" horrible, horrible nitpick that makes me feel horrible for making it 'cause no one else will notice it: "its"
9)"He started to led her to the washing room" also a nitpick: "lead"
10)"but sometimes water is imported whenever an opera or an event is approaching." I am willing to believe that is a historical fact on account of how crazy it is. Kudos for digging that up.
11)"He was a butler. There was nothing wrong with undressing in front of a butler." I kinda agree with Renee. I would totally be hesitant about undressing in front of a butler. Especially a butler who may or may not have killed a man.
12)"I am used to the female body. I was normally charged with bathing the late Mistress Mary during the time she lived with the late Master," I so totally called that they were an item!
Er, *ahem*. Sometimes my inner fangirl gets the better of me.
13)"I am afraid a love affair of any sort would have been very difficult, for you see, I was only at the tender age of eleven when she died." Curses! You are too clever for me.
14)"It's probably a squirrel or summa' inth' unfinished tower." Have I mentioned that this story has *everything*? Death, insanity, ghosts, mysterious heiresses, butlers with a past, unfinished towers. I am impressed. I also suspect a lot of the subtly-poking-fun-at-penny-dreadfuls jokes go way over my head.
15)""But, j-just in case..." She clutched his hand in both of hers. "... please do not let go."" Snapple fact: ghosts can be repelled with the power of hugs.
16)"A woman?" All bets are back on for Aldric having a secret affair.
17)"If it's sum sorts o' spook, then it can't 'urt thee, reet? Besides, if it's sum bloke, li' I think, 'e wouldn't 'urt a lush lady li' theeself, reet?" John's logic is impeccably Victorian. I'm loving the way the characters behave, by the way. It's not terribly flashy, but it's very consistent. And sorta gives me the feeling that I know them well. Which is really cool.
18)Le fantome? This was an awesome, awesome chapter. And it ended with a probable ghost. I could not be happier.
)"And a BIG 'Thank You!', Solemn Coyote! Your review(s) have been a great help (and very-very fun to read)." Oh, stop. I blush.
Seriously, though. That's a huge compliment. I review both to critique and to encourage, and if my feedback has been doing either one of those, that makes me happy.
-SC
5/31/2008 c2 Solemn Coyote
Oh, ye gods. This chapter is huge. Consider splitting it a bit for the benefit of we humble ficpress reviewers? We are a lowly, lazy breed and don't relish the thought of tackling word-blobs of such magnitude.
1) I like the lunar theme for you chapter titles, but it does set something of an artificial limitation on the length of your story. I also, almost irrationally, find myself liking the author notes. They feel like they could almost be little explanatory notes attached to each serial chapter of the penny dreadful.
2)"It almost made her feel uneasy, her stomach starting to twist into tight knots, though that could just as easily be the rattling and lurching caused by the potholes or the chicken that she had been given for dining on the way." Sometimes, the style of the penny dreadful is so convoluted that it has to be poked fun of. I would imagine that's what you're doing here. If so, please include more of this humor elsewhere in the story.
3)"Certainly not at all what a heroine of a novel would look like," great line
4)"which was written by some English author named Robert Browning" great reference.
5)"There had been a few stops at stations along the way to rest the horses, change the driver and pick up meal-baskets for the day" You pay a lot of attention to the small details of the story, which is good for realism but does slow the pace down a bit.
6) You do an impressive job of rendering Mr. Clarkson's accent, to the point where it gets hard to read sometimes. This is good, as I imagine he confuses Renee a bit, but I wish I had some idea what his accent was supposed to sound like. At the moment, it's a little hard for me to picture it.
7)"I am not very good with your tongue in words." sort of an awkward wording, but that might be appropriate here.
8)""Haunted? Like..." She lifted her hands in hopes of getting across what she was thinking and waggled her fingers. "'Boo!'? Les fantômes?"" that line painted a big, silly grin across my face. Excellent writing.
9)"Je ne prevoyais pas something like this! It is comme les chateaux dans the books I read!" Renee has a sudden attack of accent here. It's a little inconsistent with before, but I suppose it can be attributed to being surprised.
10) I can already see the beginnings of some triangle-thingy forming between John, Renee, and Aldric.
11)"she reached back and started to unthread the corset until it was just beyond her reach at the small of her back" yup. Corsets are officially the most inconvenient bit of clothing ever devised. Go, Victorian era.
12)"Non, I would like to use the phrase 'break your fast'." Renee is officially adorable.
13)"What is a... 'baser penny part?" I love that you referenced penny dreadfuls in a penny dreadful.
14) I takes a while, but the characters really are growing on me. I suppose it's good, then, that the chapters are so staggeringly massive.
15) There's a slight feel of "The Secret Garden" in the setting and the plot, but I'm sure that this story will run in a completely divergent way. Oh, great. Reading this has got me thinking in stilted pseudo-Victorian.
16)"Ah, I apologize for any inconsistencies with John's little accenting" Your use of both French and accenting are both beyond my ability to perceive any problems with them.
17)"mainly because The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett has always been a favorite book of mine" Oh, man. I so completely called it.
18) Overall, I'm enjoying this story a lot more than I thought I would. It looked really intimidating at first, on account of being gigantic, but it's a solid read. So, thank you for writing it. I'll keep reading. But, for the sake of any persistent reviewers, could you maybe sub-divide the chapters a bit more?
Cheers,
-SC
Oh, ye gods. This chapter is huge. Consider splitting it a bit for the benefit of we humble ficpress reviewers? We are a lowly, lazy breed and don't relish the thought of tackling word-blobs of such magnitude.
1) I like the lunar theme for you chapter titles, but it does set something of an artificial limitation on the length of your story. I also, almost irrationally, find myself liking the author notes. They feel like they could almost be little explanatory notes attached to each serial chapter of the penny dreadful.
2)"It almost made her feel uneasy, her stomach starting to twist into tight knots, though that could just as easily be the rattling and lurching caused by the potholes or the chicken that she had been given for dining on the way." Sometimes, the style of the penny dreadful is so convoluted that it has to be poked fun of. I would imagine that's what you're doing here. If so, please include more of this humor elsewhere in the story.
3)"Certainly not at all what a heroine of a novel would look like," great line
4)"which was written by some English author named Robert Browning" great reference.
5)"There had been a few stops at stations along the way to rest the horses, change the driver and pick up meal-baskets for the day" You pay a lot of attention to the small details of the story, which is good for realism but does slow the pace down a bit.
6) You do an impressive job of rendering Mr. Clarkson's accent, to the point where it gets hard to read sometimes. This is good, as I imagine he confuses Renee a bit, but I wish I had some idea what his accent was supposed to sound like. At the moment, it's a little hard for me to picture it.
7)"I am not very good with your tongue in words." sort of an awkward wording, but that might be appropriate here.
8)""Haunted? Like..." She lifted her hands in hopes of getting across what she was thinking and waggled her fingers. "'Boo!'? Les fantômes?"" that line painted a big, silly grin across my face. Excellent writing.
9)"Je ne prevoyais pas something like this! It is comme les chateaux dans the books I read!" Renee has a sudden attack of accent here. It's a little inconsistent with before, but I suppose it can be attributed to being surprised.
10) I can already see the beginnings of some triangle-thingy forming between John, Renee, and Aldric.
11)"she reached back and started to unthread the corset until it was just beyond her reach at the small of her back" yup. Corsets are officially the most inconvenient bit of clothing ever devised. Go, Victorian era.
12)"Non, I would like to use the phrase 'break your fast'." Renee is officially adorable.
13)"What is a... 'baser penny part?" I love that you referenced penny dreadfuls in a penny dreadful.
14) I takes a while, but the characters really are growing on me. I suppose it's good, then, that the chapters are so staggeringly massive.
15) There's a slight feel of "The Secret Garden" in the setting and the plot, but I'm sure that this story will run in a completely divergent way. Oh, great. Reading this has got me thinking in stilted pseudo-Victorian.
16)"Ah, I apologize for any inconsistencies with John's little accenting" Your use of both French and accenting are both beyond my ability to perceive any problems with them.
17)"mainly because The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett has always been a favorite book of mine" Oh, man. I so completely called it.
18) Overall, I'm enjoying this story a lot more than I thought I would. It looked really intimidating at first, on account of being gigantic, but it's a solid read. So, thank you for writing it. I'll keep reading. But, for the sake of any persistent reviewers, could you maybe sub-divide the chapters a bit more?
Cheers,
-SC
5/29/2008 c1 Solemn Coyote
Although the story's title is a little bland, the description made it look pretty cool. There certainly aren't enough gothic novels these days (truth, not sarcasm.) So, with that said, I'll do my best to review.
1) "Majhor editing is needed before it can be posted" Yeah. I can see. I tend to be overly nitpicky about grammar, so please don't take any of my minor corrections seriously. At least, I try not to.
2)"That aside, this is to be appreciated as a penny dreadful-style gothic novel" Which makes me extremely happy. I enjoy a good penny dreadful.
3)"whether it was a love letter. It never was, and it inevitably led to a long stretched moment of silence." good writing, and a great way to develop the character subtly. I smiled a bit.
4)"though now that she thought about it, they probably was." 'was' to 'did'
5) The writing is flowery enough to fit with the tone of a gothic novel (which sometimes bothers me about the genre,) but it doesn't go overboard. This is good.
6) Most importantly, I'm finding myself interested in this story. Gothic novels don't have a really strong hook, but if they're written well enough they develop this sort of gravitational pull. This story is evidently written well. I'll be reading more chapters.
-SC
Although the story's title is a little bland, the description made it look pretty cool. There certainly aren't enough gothic novels these days (truth, not sarcasm.) So, with that said, I'll do my best to review.
1) "Majhor editing is needed before it can be posted" Yeah. I can see. I tend to be overly nitpicky about grammar, so please don't take any of my minor corrections seriously. At least, I try not to.
2)"That aside, this is to be appreciated as a penny dreadful-style gothic novel" Which makes me extremely happy. I enjoy a good penny dreadful.
3)"whether it was a love letter. It never was, and it inevitably led to a long stretched moment of silence." good writing, and a great way to develop the character subtly. I smiled a bit.
4)"though now that she thought about it, they probably was." 'was' to 'did'
5) The writing is flowery enough to fit with the tone of a gothic novel (which sometimes bothers me about the genre,) but it doesn't go overboard. This is good.
6) Most importantly, I'm finding myself interested in this story. Gothic novels don't have a really strong hook, but if they're written well enough they develop this sort of gravitational pull. This story is evidently written well. I'll be reading more chapters.
-SC
5/1/2008 c1 1Lardlax
I'm enjoying this so far and looking forward to the next chapters. Hopefully they'll be a bit longer :)
Hurry up and update!
-
Trunks
1LardlaxI'm enjoying this so far and looking forward to the next chapters. Hopefully they'll be a bit longer :)
Hurry up and update!
-
Trunks
4/30/2008 c1 Free2Dream
This sounds really good. :-)
I really like your style of writing. The actions and descriptions are elegantly written. I would love to read the rest. Keep up the work.
This sounds really good. :-)
I really like your style of writing. The actions and descriptions are elegantly written. I would love to read the rest. Keep up the work.