for When Normalcy is Out of Your Reach9/8/2009 c14 
9Vilstrup
Well, well… another chapter…
Let’s have a look, shall we?
Well, the interaction between the characters is as good as always.
Pissing Roxy off aren’t the brightest of ideas.
Lloyd and Roxy are, or have been for some time now, two interesting characters. I have problems describing their personality, since they seem to have a depth, not many characters have, and yet they seem to be very simple people. Other readers might see differently on this subject, but this is my opinion. Besides that, they have a very human personality. No heroic things, just characters with flaws, strengths and weaknesses.
However, do be watchful that you don’t change them to much.
Now… can I find something to fix?
Indeed… it seems that you have rushed the first part of the chapter a bit too much.
I’m not sure how a temptress looks like. Humanoid, or… something else? And what kind of powers, do Roxy have to control… a bit of detail there please.
And how much does Roxy change? Hair colour… anything else?
In the next part I have a question. What kind of airplane are they flying with? Is it a Boeing 747, 737 or a 787? What kind of interior is there? What colour is the floor?
And what kind of cloth is Roxy wearing in the airplane? What is Lloyd wearing?
That was more than one question… never mind, you might want to check up on those things.
I’m looking forward to the next chapter, so good luck in the future ;)
9VilstrupWell, well… another chapter…
Let’s have a look, shall we?
Well, the interaction between the characters is as good as always.
Pissing Roxy off aren’t the brightest of ideas.
Lloyd and Roxy are, or have been for some time now, two interesting characters. I have problems describing their personality, since they seem to have a depth, not many characters have, and yet they seem to be very simple people. Other readers might see differently on this subject, but this is my opinion. Besides that, they have a very human personality. No heroic things, just characters with flaws, strengths and weaknesses.
However, do be watchful that you don’t change them to much.
Now… can I find something to fix?
Indeed… it seems that you have rushed the first part of the chapter a bit too much.
I’m not sure how a temptress looks like. Humanoid, or… something else? And what kind of powers, do Roxy have to control… a bit of detail there please.
And how much does Roxy change? Hair colour… anything else?
In the next part I have a question. What kind of airplane are they flying with? Is it a Boeing 747, 737 or a 787? What kind of interior is there? What colour is the floor?
And what kind of cloth is Roxy wearing in the airplane? What is Lloyd wearing?
That was more than one question… never mind, you might want to check up on those things.
I’m looking forward to the next chapter, so good luck in the future ;)
9/7/2009 c13 Vilstrup
I’m seriously beginning to hate, making reviews for stories like yours, because you rarely have any mistakes. You don’t seem to miss anything; you don’t seem to make any errors and your plot is going well.
But… when are Roxy’s friends or sister going to make another appearance? I’m curious as to see, how the two friends, Ashton and Jenny would take, that their best friend is a demon. After the latest chapter, I believe that Roxy would actually have a chance to see her friends again.
Anyway, I look forward to the next chapter.
Keep up the good work ;)
I’m seriously beginning to hate, making reviews for stories like yours, because you rarely have any mistakes. You don’t seem to miss anything; you don’t seem to make any errors and your plot is going well.
But… when are Roxy’s friends or sister going to make another appearance? I’m curious as to see, how the two friends, Ashton and Jenny would take, that their best friend is a demon. After the latest chapter, I believe that Roxy would actually have a chance to see her friends again.
Anyway, I look forward to the next chapter.
Keep up the good work ;)
8/23/2009 c13 natmarie
So I skimmed through this, really original idea. I mean not the whole supernatural creatures bit, but the way you've used them and developed a plot from them. Really endearing characters too. :) Thanks for all the reviews. They always make me smile.
So I skimmed through this, really original idea. I mean not the whole supernatural creatures bit, but the way you've used them and developed a plot from them. Really endearing characters too. :) Thanks for all the reviews. They always make me smile.
8/14/2009 c12 darkscenekid
great story, i cant write much since i crushed my finger in a door (its black now :P) and it hurts, but please continue soon and congratz on graduating ;)
great story, i cant write much since i crushed my finger in a door (its black now :P) and it hurts, but please continue soon and congratz on graduating ;)
4/28/2009 c12 Michael Angelo Lemen
wee.. my typographical error.. lloyd0.. un.. search mu nlng.. :D
wee.. my typographical error.. lloyd0.. un.. search mu nlng.. :D
4/27/2009 c12 9Vilstrup
Seth is angry, yet in a very controlled manner. Abel is worried, and Lloyd is pissed off… what a big happy family they are.
Lloyd is worried, and for once he actually have feelings, yet still he’s very unstable. I hope Roxy can get him more stabilized.
Now… to the good points in this chapter.
Abellius Myles Valmont… long name and explains his existence in the Valmont Castle.
Strange, that I have not more to say… except that I like the chapter, anyway on to the next part.
There are a few errors, like “because Seth rarely uses curse words” and “not take advantage. Else it looks good, and I don’t really see any more errors… there probably are a few more errors, but they’ve escaped my eyes for now.
I look forward to the next chapter, so keep it up :)
9VilstrupSeth is angry, yet in a very controlled manner. Abel is worried, and Lloyd is pissed off… what a big happy family they are.
Lloyd is worried, and for once he actually have feelings, yet still he’s very unstable. I hope Roxy can get him more stabilized.
Now… to the good points in this chapter.
Abellius Myles Valmont… long name and explains his existence in the Valmont Castle.
Strange, that I have not more to say… except that I like the chapter, anyway on to the next part.
There are a few errors, like “because Seth rarely uses curse words” and “not take advantage. Else it looks good, and I don’t really see any more errors… there probably are a few more errors, but they’ve escaped my eyes for now.
I look forward to the next chapter, so keep it up :)
4/20/2009 c11 Vilstrup
Seems as if I’m falling behind in my reviews…. not the best thing to do.
Anyway, take one chapter at a time.
So what do we have of good things here… you start well with a small information box of the vampire’s lifespan. Good, since we wouldn’t now how they looked, except if you described them.
And I still haven’t said anything about the quotes you keep throwing into the story, at the beginning of every chapter. Keep it going that way, always good with a few quotes to tell the way of human emotions, or other wisdoms words.
We apparently also hear how Lloyd is feeling about Roxy. Though not intentionally, he does feel attracted to her. And then there is Lady Melissa, may she die a horrible death… excuse me.
Her character is the right one, a obnoxious, selfish, spoiled child… the best character to bring in, if you want somebody to hate in the story. And I don’t think we’ve seen the last of her, yet.
We still have a few good laughs here and there, but else I’d say the story goes very well.
Now to the part, which needs to be corrected a bit.
You tend to jump from present time, to past time, and back again. Now a story always needs such jumping, but you tend to do it in lines, where you should have used past time, instead of present.
An example
“her virginity has long been taken”
Now here, you should rather write
“her virginity had long since been taken”
Because it’s a long time since her virginity was taken, but you write it, as if it had been just now, or many times. Besides, it doesn’t really match the line before.
Hope you can see what I mean.
Anyway, there are a few placers in most of your chapters, though some of them are completely without these small errors.
Anyway, I look forward to the next chapters (not counting chapter XI since that one is already up).
Keep up the good work, Jessie ;)
Seems as if I’m falling behind in my reviews…. not the best thing to do.
Anyway, take one chapter at a time.
So what do we have of good things here… you start well with a small information box of the vampire’s lifespan. Good, since we wouldn’t now how they looked, except if you described them.
And I still haven’t said anything about the quotes you keep throwing into the story, at the beginning of every chapter. Keep it going that way, always good with a few quotes to tell the way of human emotions, or other wisdoms words.
We apparently also hear how Lloyd is feeling about Roxy. Though not intentionally, he does feel attracted to her. And then there is Lady Melissa, may she die a horrible death… excuse me.
Her character is the right one, a obnoxious, selfish, spoiled child… the best character to bring in, if you want somebody to hate in the story. And I don’t think we’ve seen the last of her, yet.
We still have a few good laughs here and there, but else I’d say the story goes very well.
Now to the part, which needs to be corrected a bit.
You tend to jump from present time, to past time, and back again. Now a story always needs such jumping, but you tend to do it in lines, where you should have used past time, instead of present.
An example
“her virginity has long been taken”
Now here, you should rather write
“her virginity had long since been taken”
Because it’s a long time since her virginity was taken, but you write it, as if it had been just now, or many times. Besides, it doesn’t really match the line before.
Hope you can see what I mean.
Anyway, there are a few placers in most of your chapters, though some of them are completely without these small errors.
Anyway, I look forward to the next chapters (not counting chapter XI since that one is already up).
Keep up the good work, Jessie ;)
4/14/2009 c10 9Vilstrup
Okay, okay, what to write, what to write?
The characters are good. You cover the interaction between the characters pretty well, and describe how Roxy is towards the other characters. Trusting Seth, bickering with Abel and hating Lloyd.
However, you’re missing how she is against Lloyd’s father, the Earl as you describe him later on.
The few jokes or funny episodes are well made. “It’s the magnet. I blame the stupid magnet” or
‘My pinky! I killed my pinky!'” these create a good atmosphere to counter the dark situation in which Roxy has been placed. Keep that part up, though don’t make it too light.
Another thing is the description of (what I am assuming to be) love. In this world of yours, I’m not clear of if its love or a kind of tempting power Lloyd has. It makes me a bit curious, and makes it a bit more interesting to read. Though we du find out how Roxy feels about Lloyd last in the chapter, we don’t get to know how Lloyd feel about Roxy (until the next chapter that is).
I don’t really have much to say about the bad things, since I can’t seem to find anything at the moment.
So I’ll skip that for now, and say keep up the good work.
9VilstrupOkay, okay, what to write, what to write?
The characters are good. You cover the interaction between the characters pretty well, and describe how Roxy is towards the other characters. Trusting Seth, bickering with Abel and hating Lloyd.
However, you’re missing how she is against Lloyd’s father, the Earl as you describe him later on.
The few jokes or funny episodes are well made. “It’s the magnet. I blame the stupid magnet” or
‘My pinky! I killed my pinky!'” these create a good atmosphere to counter the dark situation in which Roxy has been placed. Keep that part up, though don’t make it too light.
Another thing is the description of (what I am assuming to be) love. In this world of yours, I’m not clear of if its love or a kind of tempting power Lloyd has. It makes me a bit curious, and makes it a bit more interesting to read. Though we du find out how Roxy feels about Lloyd last in the chapter, we don’t get to know how Lloyd feel about Roxy (until the next chapter that is).
I don’t really have much to say about the bad things, since I can’t seem to find anything at the moment.
So I’ll skip that for now, and say keep up the good work.
4/2/2009 c11 Michael Angelo Lemen
grabee tlga.. gumagaling n tlga xa! wo0o0o0o0t! TEN THUMBS UP! (alam ko, 4 lng thumb q..) magnda xa dahel:
1. Napagrumble mo ung mga kwento ng halimaw! at asteeg un!
2. Anu kaya ichura ng anak ng isang bampira at demonyo (muka rin bang kubeta?)
3. wo0o0h.. nagraragnar0k ka nga.. alas! sabe na hindi lng ako nagiisa sa mundo na gus2ng magkaroon ng kwento na 2ngkol dun! (kahit mejo onti lng nilagay mo, masaya na ko)
4. San ka nakakuha ng inspiration dito? (umiibig na! haha)
5. Hindi na naninigarilyo c Roxy (pero ako naninigarily0 pa din..)
6. BLOD!
7. pun0 ng emotion!
8. dahil ako ang magiging publisher mO!
9. inborn n sau yan..
10. gumagaling ka sa english..
11. expected q ung mga twist.. pero bago nmn.. mas asteeg kesa sa iba.. (notbuk..)
12. mga quotations.. :D meron k n din sarili? :D
Critics:
1. try mo minsan lalake nmn ung MAIN char.. hehe.
2. REREAD.. anak ng pucha.. dameng malee.
3. ayusin mo ung spacing.. kc hinahaylat (highlight) q ung mga babasahin q e.. ( lahat naman binabasa q :D )
4. explain mo p ng mas broad (unte lng naman) ung places.
5. napakatamad mo pa din. tssk tssk.
Others:
Sana naman bilisan mo ung pagtype ng bago dahil alam mo naman siguro na mabilis ako magbasa at ayoko sa lahat ay yung babagal bagal.. hehehe.. ^^
-MiCz
grabee tlga.. gumagaling n tlga xa! wo0o0o0o0t! TEN THUMBS UP! (alam ko, 4 lng thumb q..) magnda xa dahel:
1. Napagrumble mo ung mga kwento ng halimaw! at asteeg un!
2. Anu kaya ichura ng anak ng isang bampira at demonyo (muka rin bang kubeta?)
3. wo0o0h.. nagraragnar0k ka nga.. alas! sabe na hindi lng ako nagiisa sa mundo na gus2ng magkaroon ng kwento na 2ngkol dun! (kahit mejo onti lng nilagay mo, masaya na ko)
4. San ka nakakuha ng inspiration dito? (umiibig na! haha)
5. Hindi na naninigarilyo c Roxy (pero ako naninigarily0 pa din..)
6. BLOD!
7. pun0 ng emotion!
8. dahil ako ang magiging publisher mO!
9. inborn n sau yan..
10. gumagaling ka sa english..
11. expected q ung mga twist.. pero bago nmn.. mas asteeg kesa sa iba.. (notbuk..)
12. mga quotations.. :D meron k n din sarili? :D
Critics:
1. try mo minsan lalake nmn ung MAIN char.. hehe.
2. REREAD.. anak ng pucha.. dameng malee.
3. ayusin mo ung spacing.. kc hinahaylat (highlight) q ung mga babasahin q e.. ( lahat naman binabasa q :D )
4. explain mo p ng mas broad (unte lng naman) ung places.
5. napakatamad mo pa din. tssk tssk.
Others:
Sana naman bilisan mo ung pagtype ng bago dahil alam mo naman siguro na mabilis ako magbasa at ayoko sa lahat ay yung babagal bagal.. hehehe.. ^^
-MiCz
4/2/2009 c11 Michael Angelo Lemen
mukang my bg0 k ng "BEST READER" ha.. :D c Vilstrup.. haha.. :D
mukang my bg0 k ng "BEST READER" ha.. :D c Vilstrup.. haha.. :D
4/1/2009 c11 Michael Angelo Lemen
wee? ggraduate k b tlga? :D tssk tssk blisan mo pag gawa ng susunod ha.. hehehe
wee? ggraduate k b tlga? :D tssk tssk blisan mo pag gawa ng susunod ha.. hehehe
4/1/2009 c10 Michael Angelo Lemen
:D
:D