for Dear mother6/14/2008 c1 
612simpleplan13
-From the Review Marathon (link in my profile), which you should join as a Review Gamer ::looks at you with disappointment::
I'm not so much a story reviewer, but I am trying to branch out.. so here it goes.
FP messed up and repeated "Dear Mother" twice in the begining.
That first sentence (minus the quotes) is really insanely long, I might cut it into 2. Also shouldn't there be a comma after the word said?
Shouldn't the bus be coming in like 10 minutes or something? 'Cause if it was there, it wouldn't wait for the daughter to get ready.
"“Good.” I lied down again and closed my eyes “Oh no you don’t! You’re not staying here alone! You’re coming with me!”" It seemed odd that you put two quotes by 2 different ppl on the same line.
"“LIAR! I never said that! Now get up!” But I didn’t, I just kept on insisting that I didn’t want to go but she insisted too so I gave up and changed."Instead of repeating the word insisted why not "but she did too"
"that he started driving, he did zig zags then we bumped into a tree and then he" I might get rid of one of the thens
"decided to do the same things "... thing
"so she won’t hear me and say the same thing over and over again" that was phrased oddly, and it needs a period at the end.
American and Americans, need capital A's
That really big block paragraph has a couple of insanely long sentences I might work on
I hate to say it, but I didn't like this story at all. The whole thing made no sense. It's not unrealistic like fantasy, it's just unrealistic. They went off a bridge and nothing happened? People beat you almost to death and don't get arrested? Randomly your classmates are there? Plus, I know some mothers are bad, but this seems unrealistic also. Lastly, if she said she didn't believe her in the hospital, then child services probably would have gotten involved.
I like the title though, the ironicness of dear mother when it's a horrible mother and I like the whole making you go to Las Vegas out of nowhere, because that at least seemed to make sense. Maybe I'm missing something about the rest of it...
612simpleplan13-From the Review Marathon (link in my profile), which you should join as a Review Gamer ::looks at you with disappointment::
I'm not so much a story reviewer, but I am trying to branch out.. so here it goes.
FP messed up and repeated "Dear Mother" twice in the begining.
That first sentence (minus the quotes) is really insanely long, I might cut it into 2. Also shouldn't there be a comma after the word said?
Shouldn't the bus be coming in like 10 minutes or something? 'Cause if it was there, it wouldn't wait for the daughter to get ready.
"“Good.” I lied down again and closed my eyes “Oh no you don’t! You’re not staying here alone! You’re coming with me!”" It seemed odd that you put two quotes by 2 different ppl on the same line.
"“LIAR! I never said that! Now get up!” But I didn’t, I just kept on insisting that I didn’t want to go but she insisted too so I gave up and changed."Instead of repeating the word insisted why not "but she did too"
"that he started driving, he did zig zags then we bumped into a tree and then he" I might get rid of one of the thens
"decided to do the same things "... thing
"so she won’t hear me and say the same thing over and over again" that was phrased oddly, and it needs a period at the end.
American and Americans, need capital A's
That really big block paragraph has a couple of insanely long sentences I might work on
I hate to say it, but I didn't like this story at all. The whole thing made no sense. It's not unrealistic like fantasy, it's just unrealistic. They went off a bridge and nothing happened? People beat you almost to death and don't get arrested? Randomly your classmates are there? Plus, I know some mothers are bad, but this seems unrealistic also. Lastly, if she said she didn't believe her in the hospital, then child services probably would have gotten involved.
I like the title though, the ironicness of dear mother when it's a horrible mother and I like the whole making you go to Las Vegas out of nowhere, because that at least seemed to make sense. Maybe I'm missing something about the rest of it...
5/21/2008 c1 6Mahone-chic-89
That's one weird dream! made for a good story though!
(i kind of skipped ahead of you in the forum. i felt bad so i decided to review one of your stories).
It's good! I like how you write about your dreams. That's cool. I should try that sometime! :)
~L
6Mahone-chic-89That's one weird dream! made for a good story though!
(i kind of skipped ahead of you in the forum. i felt bad so i decided to review one of your stories).
It's good! I like how you write about your dreams. That's cool. I should try that sometime! :)
~L
5/21/2008 c1 146Sexy Vampirechick
Some edits and corrections:
“Wake up! We’re going to Las Vegas!” Shouted my mother,(.) I was still sleepy and I didn’t want to move so I stayed there [still](let's trying using the words;not moving) [like](as) if nothing happened but she kept shaking me and I finally opened my mouth and said “5 more minutes mom.”
Oh you missed a period here:"“It doesn’t matter(.) Now get up and get ready!”"
“I don’t care! I’m going then. You don’t have to go.” (Sorry for pointing out each line,but I find this one sounded a bit strange).I think it should've been "I don't care!I'm going.If you don't want to go,you don't have to."
“Good.” I lied(I don't think this is the right lied...O_o,shouldn't it be laid?) down again and closed my eyes “Oh no you don’t! You’re not staying here alone! You’re coming with me!”
Oh here's a long run on. "He kept bumping into other cars, trees,(and) etc. A few minutes later we were on a bridge [well] not above water(,) just another road(.) The white car suddenly hit the side and fell [of](off) the bridge but nothing happened(.) [to it then] The driver decided to do the same things so he hit the side [too](also)(.) [and] I grabbed the front seat and shut my eyes [hanging on](hung) for dear life. "
In this sentence you repeated the same thing twice,so it was a bit cliched since saying the same thing doesn't fit since your the narrator telling the story from your POV.
"The bus fell but nothing happened so I slowly opened my eyes and I noticed that we fell but nothing happened and the crazy driver kept chasing the white car." - The bus fell. I slowly opened my eyes and noticed that nothing was damaged and the crazy driver was still chasing the white car.
" “Mom! I shouldn’t have [came](come), [the](this) driver is crazy. Why couldn’t you let me stay at home?”
Woah! Another run on, " I [just] stood there watching them then one of my classmates threw a rock then they all threw rocks and I thought that maybe I should go somewhere else but then one of the rocks hit my left eye but nothing happened and my classmates were worried and asked if I was ok, I didn’t bleed and my eye was fine but it was painful but I said “I’m ok."
Uh..weird sentence structure...let me see how it could've been written..
"I stood there watching them as one of my classmate started to throw rocks at them.They all threw rocks back and I thought I should go somewhere else,but as I was walking away I got hit in my left eye.My classmates were worried and asked if I was fine.I told them that I was ok even though I was in pain."
They were all actors and even you tried tricking me! I can’t believe that my own daughted(daughter) would lie to me like that!”
“I don’t want to [hear](I think talk would sound so much better) you, you liar!” [She](We) shouted at the same time so she wouldn’t hear me and I felt so hurt and my eyes were full of
tears.
“I don’t want to hear your lies! You’re always trying to kill me!*?Huh? confused with that line there* You’re always [lieng](lying) to me!”
-
Ok,my comments on this story.The mom was purely mean! Absolutely! I cannot imagine a mom being like that.How could you treat your child in such a behaviour? Well,this story kinda got me angry at the mom,'cause she was irresponsible and SHE was the liar.The errors in your story kinda kept the flow of the story broken to pieces as I was reading it,I had to edit and get back. (My guess,your mother-tongue is not English,right?) Sorry if I offended you in any way,I just want to help correct your mistakes,hope you don't mind. :)
146Sexy VampirechickSome edits and corrections:
“Wake up! We’re going to Las Vegas!” Shouted my mother,(.) I was still sleepy and I didn’t want to move so I stayed there [still](let's trying using the words;not moving) [like](as) if nothing happened but she kept shaking me and I finally opened my mouth and said “5 more minutes mom.”
Oh you missed a period here:"“It doesn’t matter(.) Now get up and get ready!”"
“I don’t care! I’m going then. You don’t have to go.” (Sorry for pointing out each line,but I find this one sounded a bit strange).I think it should've been "I don't care!I'm going.If you don't want to go,you don't have to."
“Good.” I lied(I don't think this is the right lied...O_o,shouldn't it be laid?) down again and closed my eyes “Oh no you don’t! You’re not staying here alone! You’re coming with me!”
Oh here's a long run on. "He kept bumping into other cars, trees,(and) etc. A few minutes later we were on a bridge [well] not above water(,) just another road(.) The white car suddenly hit the side and fell [of](off) the bridge but nothing happened(.) [to it then] The driver decided to do the same things so he hit the side [too](also)(.) [and] I grabbed the front seat and shut my eyes [hanging on](hung) for dear life. "
In this sentence you repeated the same thing twice,so it was a bit cliched since saying the same thing doesn't fit since your the narrator telling the story from your POV.
"The bus fell but nothing happened so I slowly opened my eyes and I noticed that we fell but nothing happened and the crazy driver kept chasing the white car." - The bus fell. I slowly opened my eyes and noticed that nothing was damaged and the crazy driver was still chasing the white car.
" “Mom! I shouldn’t have [came](come), [the](this) driver is crazy. Why couldn’t you let me stay at home?”
Woah! Another run on, " I [just] stood there watching them then one of my classmates threw a rock then they all threw rocks and I thought that maybe I should go somewhere else but then one of the rocks hit my left eye but nothing happened and my classmates were worried and asked if I was ok, I didn’t bleed and my eye was fine but it was painful but I said “I’m ok."
Uh..weird sentence structure...let me see how it could've been written..
"I stood there watching them as one of my classmate started to throw rocks at them.They all threw rocks back and I thought I should go somewhere else,but as I was walking away I got hit in my left eye.My classmates were worried and asked if I was fine.I told them that I was ok even though I was in pain."
They were all actors and even you tried tricking me! I can’t believe that my own daughted(daughter) would lie to me like that!”
“I don’t want to [hear](I think talk would sound so much better) you, you liar!” [She](We) shouted at the same time so she wouldn’t hear me and I felt so hurt and my eyes were full of
tears.
“I don’t want to hear your lies! You’re always trying to kill me!*?Huh? confused with that line there* You’re always [lieng](lying) to me!”
-
Ok,my comments on this story.The mom was purely mean! Absolutely! I cannot imagine a mom being like that.How could you treat your child in such a behaviour? Well,this story kinda got me angry at the mom,'cause she was irresponsible and SHE was the liar.The errors in your story kinda kept the flow of the story broken to pieces as I was reading it,I had to edit and get back. (My guess,your mother-tongue is not English,right?) Sorry if I offended you in any way,I just want to help correct your mistakes,hope you don't mind. :)