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7/9/2004 c1 17the mouse that roared
I got chills from this. I did. This is so pretty and sad. Beautiful imagery and feelings. The story is pretty, and the characters deep enough to capture attention. Good feelings of characters. Do you have a tune for it? One thing-maybe talk a little more about the stone wishes so the reader gets a better idea of it. Also, be careful with the number of commas you use. Talk about heat vs. cold and other themes that are in your chorus more throughout the rest of the poem to give it more depth-for example, is the dishwater warm or cold? Sometimes the ideas in the stanza are not consistent.
For example, in the third stanza, first you talk about how her love is wrapped in a black blanket, and then you say how you don't want to be apart from her. (I'm using "you" just because the poem said "I"-I know it isn't actually you, necessarily.) Either connect the two thoughts more or put them in separate places.
By the way, PLEASE don't insult yourself. Sunflower Philosophy says it better than I do-go read her Sunflower Philosophies on writing and I swear your life will be changed forever. :) I am cured of self-insultment by her...
Now for favorite lines:
"Watching her
Back to me
There's something about her
I can see"
"The warmth of her breath
On my bare skin
Oh, let it sink in"
"There are times
When I wonder if
It's a feeling called love
Wrapped
In a black blanket
That covers her heart"
"Her eyes, they shimmer, still and placid
But her hands shake as she drops three dishes"
"Maybe some other day
It's a whisper
That comes from her lips"
2/5/2002 c1 Leslie
Boy, hmmmm...you sure do have a way of twisting things for the worst. *winks* Nice and angsty, just the way I like 'em. Keep writing!
12/19/2001 c1 It's Me Chris
Since when did you write songs. It's really good! For anyone who reads this, you'll have the words to your own tune in your head for a while!
4/12/2001 c1 silverluna
wow...very dark-nice effect

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