for As They All Fell Silent7/16/2008 c1 
9Dot Cubed
-double review-
I'm lazy and this looked really interesting, SO. haha. Anyway, onto the review!
Loved this. It was so dark and gutting all at the same time. I thought your characters were very well developed for such a short piece. The reader knew who Mercer was and they knew who Nihan was, which was very nice.
I also really liked the ending line. It was one of things that just packs a powerful punch, you know?
I'm not really sure how I want to describe this...I think what I'm trying to talk about here is motivation. I loved how you delved into the fact that greed for wealth can sometimes overshadow and corrupt, as it did to Mercer and even as it did to Nihan, for showing a blind eye. And then finally, when the time came to act, it was too late. Very powerful.
9Dot Cubed-double review-
I'm lazy and this looked really interesting, SO. haha. Anyway, onto the review!
Loved this. It was so dark and gutting all at the same time. I thought your characters were very well developed for such a short piece. The reader knew who Mercer was and they knew who Nihan was, which was very nice.
I also really liked the ending line. It was one of things that just packs a powerful punch, you know?
I'm not really sure how I want to describe this...I think what I'm trying to talk about here is motivation. I loved how you delved into the fact that greed for wealth can sometimes overshadow and corrupt, as it did to Mercer and even as it did to Nihan, for showing a blind eye. And then finally, when the time came to act, it was too late. Very powerful.
6/3/2008 c1 21Nina Kindred
The emotions represented are very vivid. The characters are very well defined for such a short piece. I like that you've worked a lot of information into a small space. Good job.
21Nina KindredThe emotions represented are very vivid. The characters are very well defined for such a short piece. I like that you've worked a lot of information into a small space. Good job.
5/21/2008 c1 8berf
i really enjoyed this, i thought you did a great job of developing the story and bringing it all around in such a short amount of time. despite its length, it did not feel cut off or abrupt. the poem in the beginning really set the tone, as well.
i also liked the point of view you wrote from - more stories are written from the point of view of the oppressed, and less from the oppressor (so i've read). you made a convincing depiction of the other side, in which not everyone can be completely villified, as you've shown.
all in all, good job.
8berfi really enjoyed this, i thought you did a great job of developing the story and bringing it all around in such a short amount of time. despite its length, it did not feel cut off or abrupt. the poem in the beginning really set the tone, as well.
i also liked the point of view you wrote from - more stories are written from the point of view of the oppressed, and less from the oppressor (so i've read). you made a convincing depiction of the other side, in which not everyone can be completely villified, as you've shown.
all in all, good job.
5/20/2008 c1 8C.M.F Wright
Review game!
Absolutely loved the beginning. Wonderfully written... it drew me in instantly.
I also like how you insert contemporary issues (i.e. immigration) into a story that seems to be set in a fantasy location. The story flowed well; I was really absorbed. As Nihan was raising his pen I was thinking "don't do it, don't do it..." which should give you a sense of how engaged I was. The end was shocking, but really, REALLY beautiful/tragic/well-written.
I wonder, however, if you could do a bit more 'show' than 'tell' in regards to the personalities of your characters, particularly Nihan (for instance, I feel like your description of Nihan as an "ignorant man" could be better shown simply through anecdote... and you provide plenty of that later in the paragraph.) I understand, however, that this is a short piece, and your room for actually showing aspects of his character is fairly limited.
Overall, however, I thought you did an excellent job with your characterization of Nihan. He comes across as very three-dimensional, very believable: ignorant/weak/foolish, but still a good person. Your dialogue is also very well-done... I got a good sense of their characters in a very short space of time.
Be careful of punctuation; I noticed a few areas where the dialogue was a little shaky (see below). Overall, however, wonderful job, and very powerful message.
Minor details:
Like a cruel maiden’s wrath, it would drive them into madness until they were claimed by its shimmering lies. - Beautiful similie.
Always insecure, however, he tried many schemes in order to provide for his wife and two small children. - Not sure you need the "however"... and I saw two more "however"s in that same paragraph, so I'd advise you to get rid of it.
“I will not allow you to enslave innocent people for our own good(,)” Nihan protested
They have reason to believe we have constructed a Gregris mine here(,)” Mercer replied, - I notice this in a few other places, too. The quote is part of the sentence; there should not be a period before "he said/replied/asked/etc". There are lots of useful references online... just try googling "dialogue punctuation" to see what I mean.
(On a side note, I confess myself somewhat jealous. I wish we got creative writing assignments like this in our AP English class. Instead it was essays, essays, essays. Out of curiosity, what was the writing assignment?)
8C.M.F WrightReview game!
Absolutely loved the beginning. Wonderfully written... it drew me in instantly.
I also like how you insert contemporary issues (i.e. immigration) into a story that seems to be set in a fantasy location. The story flowed well; I was really absorbed. As Nihan was raising his pen I was thinking "don't do it, don't do it..." which should give you a sense of how engaged I was. The end was shocking, but really, REALLY beautiful/tragic/well-written.
I wonder, however, if you could do a bit more 'show' than 'tell' in regards to the personalities of your characters, particularly Nihan (for instance, I feel like your description of Nihan as an "ignorant man" could be better shown simply through anecdote... and you provide plenty of that later in the paragraph.) I understand, however, that this is a short piece, and your room for actually showing aspects of his character is fairly limited.
Overall, however, I thought you did an excellent job with your characterization of Nihan. He comes across as very three-dimensional, very believable: ignorant/weak/foolish, but still a good person. Your dialogue is also very well-done... I got a good sense of their characters in a very short space of time.
Be careful of punctuation; I noticed a few areas where the dialogue was a little shaky (see below). Overall, however, wonderful job, and very powerful message.
Minor details:
Like a cruel maiden’s wrath, it would drive them into madness until they were claimed by its shimmering lies. - Beautiful similie.
Always insecure, however, he tried many schemes in order to provide for his wife and two small children. - Not sure you need the "however"... and I saw two more "however"s in that same paragraph, so I'd advise you to get rid of it.
“I will not allow you to enslave innocent people for our own good(,)” Nihan protested
They have reason to believe we have constructed a Gregris mine here(,)” Mercer replied, - I notice this in a few other places, too. The quote is part of the sentence; there should not be a period before "he said/replied/asked/etc". There are lots of useful references online... just try googling "dialogue punctuation" to see what I mean.
(On a side note, I confess myself somewhat jealous. I wish we got creative writing assignments like this in our AP English class. Instead it was essays, essays, essays. Out of curiosity, what was the writing assignment?)