for How Not to Lose Your Teeth6/3/2008 c1 
19Kyllorac
The title is what really caught my eye, and the summary cemented my interest. I knew right away that this was going to be a humorous piece without having to look at the genre, so very good job there.
I like how you describe the room. It is detailed enough to give a good idea of the setting, but not so detailed that it is boring. The way you describe the room also makes it stand out uniquely.
Beside the entrance on a greco-roman column sat a porcelain jar - "on a greco-roman column" should be offset with commas. I forget exactly why, but just remember that it should be.
bearing their unnaturally white teeth - bearing should be baring
XD The anecdote of the old man with no teeth is just hilarious. It probably would get a child to brush their teeth religiously, too. Where do you get the ideas for these stories?
Tress's reaction to being separated from Matthew is not only humorous, but it's also quite realistic. Or, rather, I think it does since I have no experience with such situations. It's so cute how Matthew doesn't want to leave the dentist, and his reaction to learning about Daisha's cavities is priceless.
Overall, I'd have to say that this is superbly written and definitely a favorite.
19KylloracThe title is what really caught my eye, and the summary cemented my interest. I knew right away that this was going to be a humorous piece without having to look at the genre, so very good job there.
I like how you describe the room. It is detailed enough to give a good idea of the setting, but not so detailed that it is boring. The way you describe the room also makes it stand out uniquely.
Beside the entrance on a greco-roman column sat a porcelain jar - "on a greco-roman column" should be offset with commas. I forget exactly why, but just remember that it should be.
bearing their unnaturally white teeth - bearing should be baring
XD The anecdote of the old man with no teeth is just hilarious. It probably would get a child to brush their teeth religiously, too. Where do you get the ideas for these stories?
Tress's reaction to being separated from Matthew is not only humorous, but it's also quite realistic. Or, rather, I think it does since I have no experience with such situations. It's so cute how Matthew doesn't want to leave the dentist, and his reaction to learning about Daisha's cavities is priceless.
Overall, I'd have to say that this is superbly written and definitely a favorite.
5/28/2008 c1 7Translucently Opaque
Ha. I don’t think that Tress needs to worry about her parenting skills at all. Matthew seems like a very well-behaved boy, especially when compared to Daisha. Interesting that you should use that name. I have a character named Daesha who has just about the same personality, though she’s in her mid twenties.
“Once the man had toddled on, Corbett…” - I remember who he is from 'Learning to Swim,' but you may wish to clarify that he is Tress’s husband.
“…and the nurse wasn’t watchful, the inquisitive three-year-old…” - should that be ‘and if the nurse wasn’t watchful…’
“She bit him back, gently of course, but hard enough to get the point across that it hurts.” - that is hysterical. I’ve got to remember that in case I ever have children.
“Tress shook her head, retrieving her Debt card.” - ‘debit card?’
Once again, a very humorous and enjoyable read. I look forward to reading your forthcoming works.
7Translucently OpaqueHa. I don’t think that Tress needs to worry about her parenting skills at all. Matthew seems like a very well-behaved boy, especially when compared to Daisha. Interesting that you should use that name. I have a character named Daesha who has just about the same personality, though she’s in her mid twenties.
“Once the man had toddled on, Corbett…” - I remember who he is from 'Learning to Swim,' but you may wish to clarify that he is Tress’s husband.
“…and the nurse wasn’t watchful, the inquisitive three-year-old…” - should that be ‘and if the nurse wasn’t watchful…’
“She bit him back, gently of course, but hard enough to get the point across that it hurts.” - that is hysterical. I’ve got to remember that in case I ever have children.
“Tress shook her head, retrieving her Debt card.” - ‘debit card?’
Once again, a very humorous and enjoyable read. I look forward to reading your forthcoming works.