for Cracked Porcelain2/14/2009 c6 
8Kar-zid
Awesome ending, not only was the nightmare sequence perfectly horrifying, but the epilogue ended it with suspense. ^_^ You've created quite a story here, excellent job!
8Kar-zidAwesome ending, not only was the nightmare sequence perfectly horrifying, but the epilogue ended it with suspense. ^_^ You've created quite a story here, excellent job!
2/14/2009 c5 Kar-zid
Wow, amazing chapter, you can think of the best nightmares! ^_^ Sorry for taking so long to read this, I've only jsut gotten around to readin the new chapters of all my alerts. ^_^
Wow, amazing chapter, you can think of the best nightmares! ^_^ Sorry for taking so long to read this, I've only jsut gotten around to readin the new chapters of all my alerts. ^_^
7/7/2008 c4 21Faith Adeline
This definitely has potential. The scenes are good, but a bit confusing, I would work on the flow of the story. Also, I wouldn't use bold for diologue. If you want to make it emphasize, just use italics.
And, to be techincal, when she says "Je suis mort." You would need to add an e. So, "Je suis morte." I took French in school, lol. So, yeah.
Keep it up and update soon :)
Faith
21Faith AdelineThis definitely has potential. The scenes are good, but a bit confusing, I would work on the flow of the story. Also, I wouldn't use bold for diologue. If you want to make it emphasize, just use italics.
And, to be techincal, when she says "Je suis mort." You would need to add an e. So, "Je suis morte." I took French in school, lol. So, yeah.
Keep it up and update soon :)
Faith
7/6/2008 c4 8Kar-zid
Awesome chapter, that monster sounds scary, especially when it was pushing her into the oozing tar in the grave! Update soon, I can't wait to see if she is actually in a hospital or if it was a dream!
8Kar-zidAwesome chapter, that monster sounds scary, especially when it was pushing her into the oozing tar in the grave! Update soon, I can't wait to see if she is actually in a hospital or if it was a dream!
6/17/2008 c1 24Limited Edition
The thing I noticed the most was that there are many passive sentences in this! Not good.
I like the beginning. It's kind of calm and then becomes more and more horrific. There is always a dark tint to everything and there's much underneath which gives depth to the story.
The character acts very genuine, I like that a lot. It's very believable.
Good job!
24Limited EditionThe thing I noticed the most was that there are many passive sentences in this! Not good.
I like the beginning. It's kind of calm and then becomes more and more horrific. There is always a dark tint to everything and there's much underneath which gives depth to the story.
The character acts very genuine, I like that a lot. It's very believable.
Good job!
6/12/2008 c3 8Kar-zid
Awesome chapter, that dream was freaky! Woah, Matt got a tattoo! He didn't seem like the sort who would. Update soon, I can't wait to see what happens next!
8Kar-zidAwesome chapter, that dream was freaky! Woah, Matt got a tattoo! He didn't seem like the sort who would. Update soon, I can't wait to see what happens next!
6/11/2008 c2 5Tsubasa Rose
dialog: I thought you do very well with it. It flows correctly with good notes on inflection.
Characters: I'm still finding Julie too much a question mark, you give very little. But it's fine, what you do give is enough to make her relate-able. Matt is realistic, but still vague as well. Can't wait to learn more about them ^_^
Writing: I like your writing. I think you do very well with descriptions. Something to be careful of is overly describing and losing the atmosphere created with the character. You come close occasionally. ex. when Julie and Clair enter the tatoo salon. keep in mind this might just be me lol
spelling: yeah skip that
enjoyment: I am admittedly getting more into your story. I think it's because of the her vivid and strange dreams which are alot like mine. I was a bit sad it ended so soon.
plot: You haven't really defined this yet so no commentary needed.
other: can't wait for the next chapter :D
5Tsubasa Rosedialog: I thought you do very well with it. It flows correctly with good notes on inflection.
Characters: I'm still finding Julie too much a question mark, you give very little. But it's fine, what you do give is enough to make her relate-able. Matt is realistic, but still vague as well. Can't wait to learn more about them ^_^
Writing: I like your writing. I think you do very well with descriptions. Something to be careful of is overly describing and losing the atmosphere created with the character. You come close occasionally. ex. when Julie and Clair enter the tatoo salon. keep in mind this might just be me lol
spelling: yeah skip that
enjoyment: I am admittedly getting more into your story. I think it's because of the her vivid and strange dreams which are alot like mine. I was a bit sad it ended so soon.
plot: You haven't really defined this yet so no commentary needed.
other: can't wait for the next chapter :D
6/11/2008 c1 Tsubasa Rose
Lets see... i'll just follow the forum requirements for my review- even if it isn't required for this chapter:
dialog: not enough too review
characters: Too be honest, i found her with or without. You had some strong description at first it seems but then i thought it was kind of lacking, past the point she left her apartment. I know this the first chapter, so i can sort of get why there wasn't more. But in my opinion you don't have enough for me to be connected with her yet.
writing: I thought your writing was pretty good, but i think i will need to read more to better critique.
spelling: I'm seriously no the person to ask lol in my book you were great.
enjoyment: I did feel a little disconcerted each scene change. But within each scene I was interested. I asked a lot of questions and I definitely want to stick around to see some answered.
Plot- Seems ok for now, i don't have much to say here since your chapter wasn't long enough really. More critique later.
Other: conclusion- i will stick around a little longer, this has potential to be pretty great.
Lets see... i'll just follow the forum requirements for my review- even if it isn't required for this chapter:
dialog: not enough too review
characters: Too be honest, i found her with or without. You had some strong description at first it seems but then i thought it was kind of lacking, past the point she left her apartment. I know this the first chapter, so i can sort of get why there wasn't more. But in my opinion you don't have enough for me to be connected with her yet.
writing: I thought your writing was pretty good, but i think i will need to read more to better critique.
spelling: I'm seriously no the person to ask lol in my book you were great.
enjoyment: I did feel a little disconcerted each scene change. But within each scene I was interested. I asked a lot of questions and I definitely want to stick around to see some answered.
Plot- Seems ok for now, i don't have much to say here since your chapter wasn't long enough really. More critique later.
Other: conclusion- i will stick around a little longer, this has potential to be pretty great.
6/10/2008 c2 3Anastasia Ambrose
Review Game
I thought your story was fairly well written. I liked the humor to it- your wording is very good when it comes to that- and the conversations seemed to me to be very real. There were a few grammatial and punctuation problems, but they weren't entirely noteworthy and were few and far between.
The organization of your story confuses me a bit, though, as does the random inclusion of the character Clair. Although her quasi-intro was funny (Hardly graceful, etc etc), I'm not quite sure that I get who she is. What is her relation to everyone else? And how does she know Julie?
Also, the page breaks in the story seem to be a bit random as well.
I do really like the conversation that take place in the story. They are very real, and all the characters have a different "voice" that you show very well through dialogue, not "tell" through short, nondescript sentances. Good job on that count- is not something that I see often, but I definitely like to see it. =)
3Anastasia AmbroseReview Game
I thought your story was fairly well written. I liked the humor to it- your wording is very good when it comes to that- and the conversations seemed to me to be very real. There were a few grammatial and punctuation problems, but they weren't entirely noteworthy and were few and far between.
The organization of your story confuses me a bit, though, as does the random inclusion of the character Clair. Although her quasi-intro was funny (Hardly graceful, etc etc), I'm not quite sure that I get who she is. What is her relation to everyone else? And how does she know Julie?
Also, the page breaks in the story seem to be a bit random as well.
I do really like the conversation that take place in the story. They are very real, and all the characters have a different "voice" that you show very well through dialogue, not "tell" through short, nondescript sentances. Good job on that count- is not something that I see often, but I definitely like to see it. =)
6/10/2008 c2 47Katenheimer
Very interesting! I am definitely intrigued! I think your writing is very original and creative and so is the storyline-the descriptions are definitely very clear and thought out. I did notice a few grammar/spelling issues, but other than that nothing extreme. Well done! I enjoyed reading it.
47KatenheimerVery interesting! I am definitely intrigued! I think your writing is very original and creative and so is the storyline-the descriptions are definitely very clear and thought out. I did notice a few grammar/spelling issues, but other than that nothing extreme. Well done! I enjoyed reading it.
6/10/2008 c2 123456DoesNotExist
Review Game–
Ooh, something I noticed right away were your descriptions were… out of this world. You really take me there while seeming totally natural about it – It really grabbed me from the start. And, catchy start, I must add, got me into the story in just a paragraph.
Got to comment again on your descriptions, they’re very vivid.
And oh! Whoops, mistake right when she wakes up from her dream: "Sunday...," she thought etc… Should be “Sunday…” Even though you use a comma at the end of dialog, with an ellipsis, it doesn’t apply.
Oh, and a missed comma here when she’s getting dressed: a pair of pointy brown boots and slipped them on her feet. There should be a comma after “a pair of pointy brown boots”
Second Chapter, when she gets home and is looking for food: “analysed” should be analyzed.
Other than a few other missed commas here and there, I didn’t notice anything else wrong, grammar and mechanics wise.
Huh, I must admit, I am a bit confused… But, I guess that’s what you intended.
Amazingly written with wonderful descriptions, but, I don’t know – I felt like there was something missing. I guess Julie doesn’t quite seem real enough, I mean, she’s got a past, but it feels like she’s going through the motions because someone has to. Maybe work on giving her a little more character.
Review Game–
Ooh, something I noticed right away were your descriptions were… out of this world. You really take me there while seeming totally natural about it – It really grabbed me from the start. And, catchy start, I must add, got me into the story in just a paragraph.
Got to comment again on your descriptions, they’re very vivid.
And oh! Whoops, mistake right when she wakes up from her dream: "Sunday...," she thought etc… Should be “Sunday…” Even though you use a comma at the end of dialog, with an ellipsis, it doesn’t apply.
Oh, and a missed comma here when she’s getting dressed: a pair of pointy brown boots and slipped them on her feet. There should be a comma after “a pair of pointy brown boots”
Second Chapter, when she gets home and is looking for food: “analysed” should be analyzed.
Other than a few other missed commas here and there, I didn’t notice anything else wrong, grammar and mechanics wise.
Huh, I must admit, I am a bit confused… But, I guess that’s what you intended.
Amazingly written with wonderful descriptions, but, I don’t know – I felt like there was something missing. I guess Julie doesn’t quite seem real enough, I mean, she’s got a past, but it feels like she’s going through the motions because someone has to. Maybe work on giving her a little more character.
6/4/2008 c1 10Lew Sylva
Very interesting beginning. I like beginnings that have a lot going on. “The cold fear inside of her chilled her against the heat, goose bumps tingling all over her.” I think that “Goose bumps tingling all over her” would sound better as a sentence on its own, as in, “Goose bumps tingled all over her.” It varies sentence length nicely and gives the whole idea of goose bumps more impact.
“Another sound like a cannon fired in the distance, the sound of glass splintering into tiny shards was swallowed by the cackling flame.” This sentence feels a little clumsy – I think the comma should be replaced with a full stop. This also occurs with other sentences, such as, “Her eyes widened a little, more stinging heat pressing on them” and “Julie wanted to cover her eyes, her muscles wouldn't respond, shaking in the cold sweat.” They’re perfectly good sentences but they would sound better if they were broken up into smaller sentences, again just to vary the sentence length and make things a little more interesting.”
Just a few technical niggles there, but overall a very good opening. As another reviewer said, it does come across as a little flowery in places; too much description comes off as clumsy. I also think that with something as powerful as her house burning down you can afford to go with a “less-is-more” attitude, as the event seems to lose some of its power if you focus too much on the details.
I actually like that this opens with a dream; gives the reader a taste of things to come at the end of this chapter. The second part of this chapter is good – I actually enjoy the little descriptions of her apartment and so on. A nice contrast to the awful dream. Again, it can get a little too flowery in places, but it’s nothing too bothersome.
Does the syringe actually stick into her, or does she just get the goo all over her hand? I think that section needs to be clearer. I do like the ending, though, with that awful, creepy growth. Very interesting. That bit didn’t seem over-descriptive, either – it had just the right balance, compared to the other bits I’ve pointed out.
Third section is also very good as far as keeping a handle on the descriptions go. It’s very descriptive, but it doesn’t seem overdone. The only thing I could say is that it’s all very confusing, and the lack of continuity might put some readers off, but personally I enjoy it and look forward to reading the next chapter. It’s creepy, but in a good way! Like Narc said, it makes you want to know what’s happened to her.
I don’t have time to do Chapter 2 at the moment but I’ll have a read later. Great story. Keep it up.
10Lew SylvaVery interesting beginning. I like beginnings that have a lot going on. “The cold fear inside of her chilled her against the heat, goose bumps tingling all over her.” I think that “Goose bumps tingling all over her” would sound better as a sentence on its own, as in, “Goose bumps tingled all over her.” It varies sentence length nicely and gives the whole idea of goose bumps more impact.
“Another sound like a cannon fired in the distance, the sound of glass splintering into tiny shards was swallowed by the cackling flame.” This sentence feels a little clumsy – I think the comma should be replaced with a full stop. This also occurs with other sentences, such as, “Her eyes widened a little, more stinging heat pressing on them” and “Julie wanted to cover her eyes, her muscles wouldn't respond, shaking in the cold sweat.” They’re perfectly good sentences but they would sound better if they were broken up into smaller sentences, again just to vary the sentence length and make things a little more interesting.”
Just a few technical niggles there, but overall a very good opening. As another reviewer said, it does come across as a little flowery in places; too much description comes off as clumsy. I also think that with something as powerful as her house burning down you can afford to go with a “less-is-more” attitude, as the event seems to lose some of its power if you focus too much on the details.
I actually like that this opens with a dream; gives the reader a taste of things to come at the end of this chapter. The second part of this chapter is good – I actually enjoy the little descriptions of her apartment and so on. A nice contrast to the awful dream. Again, it can get a little too flowery in places, but it’s nothing too bothersome.
Does the syringe actually stick into her, or does she just get the goo all over her hand? I think that section needs to be clearer. I do like the ending, though, with that awful, creepy growth. Very interesting. That bit didn’t seem over-descriptive, either – it had just the right balance, compared to the other bits I’ve pointed out.
Third section is also very good as far as keeping a handle on the descriptions go. It’s very descriptive, but it doesn’t seem overdone. The only thing I could say is that it’s all very confusing, and the lack of continuity might put some readers off, but personally I enjoy it and look forward to reading the next chapter. It’s creepy, but in a good way! Like Narc said, it makes you want to know what’s happened to her.
I don’t have time to do Chapter 2 at the moment but I’ll have a read later. Great story. Keep it up.
6/4/2008 c2 8Kar-zid
Wow, these dreams are getting freakier! The dreams are really original and well-written! Update soon, I have to know what happens next!
8Kar-zidWow, these dreams are getting freakier! The dreams are really original and well-written! Update soon, I have to know what happens next!
6/4/2008 c1 Kar-zid
Awesome story so far! You used great descriptions and the whole thing was brilliantly written. I can't wait to read the next chapter, so I will...
Awesome story so far! You used great descriptions and the whole thing was brilliantly written. I can't wait to read the next chapter, so I will...
6/1/2008 c1 1Narc
I like that your story starts with a fire. It leads us right into the middle of something, which is my favorite way to be led into a story. There wasn't anything technical wrong with that scene, but it's a little bit too eloquent and flowery considering her house is burning down. It might convey the horror of the scene better if you actually make it a little less pretty. Heck, there's a monster in there too. She's probably freaked out. You don't need to write in full sentences. Sentences like 'Her heart was audible over the ambience' just don't have the right tone for what's actually going on.
I'm really not a fan of opening with dreams. I'm sad that this wasn't the real opening. It's a bit disappointing to the reader when you get them all excited to find out what's going on with the monster in the fire, and then suddenly she's looking at her alarm clock and getting out of bed.
Haha. Talkin' braille. Nice.
Interesting. We go from waking up from a dream, from her reality turning into something that looks like it could also be a dream. I think you did a wonderful job with the transition from lazy Sunday to something thoroughly creepy. I was a little confused though. I didn't get it right away that she was actually stuck by the syringe. Was she?
I'm confused, but not so much that I don't think the next chapter couldn't unconfuse me. Every single one of your scenes was thoroughly creepy in a good way. I actually don't mind the fire scene being a dream so much now that I realize the direction the rest of the chapter was going. I expected it to go from nightmare to a slow introduction to the character and her boring life, and that's not at all what happened. Good job.
The description of how the fall tore her a part was very vivid and grotesque. It really makes me want to know what's happening to her, and what all of these three unconnected and terrible scenes mean.
1NarcI like that your story starts with a fire. It leads us right into the middle of something, which is my favorite way to be led into a story. There wasn't anything technical wrong with that scene, but it's a little bit too eloquent and flowery considering her house is burning down. It might convey the horror of the scene better if you actually make it a little less pretty. Heck, there's a monster in there too. She's probably freaked out. You don't need to write in full sentences. Sentences like 'Her heart was audible over the ambience' just don't have the right tone for what's actually going on.
I'm really not a fan of opening with dreams. I'm sad that this wasn't the real opening. It's a bit disappointing to the reader when you get them all excited to find out what's going on with the monster in the fire, and then suddenly she's looking at her alarm clock and getting out of bed.
Haha. Talkin' braille. Nice.
Interesting. We go from waking up from a dream, from her reality turning into something that looks like it could also be a dream. I think you did a wonderful job with the transition from lazy Sunday to something thoroughly creepy. I was a little confused though. I didn't get it right away that she was actually stuck by the syringe. Was she?
I'm confused, but not so much that I don't think the next chapter couldn't unconfuse me. Every single one of your scenes was thoroughly creepy in a good way. I actually don't mind the fire scene being a dream so much now that I realize the direction the rest of the chapter was going. I expected it to go from nightmare to a slow introduction to the character and her boring life, and that's not at all what happened. Good job.
The description of how the fall tore her a part was very vivid and grotesque. It really makes me want to know what's happening to her, and what all of these three unconnected and terrible scenes mean.