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for Slaves of the Moon

6/2/2008 c1 1Chee
You have a lot of potential, so I'm going to review bit by bit for you.

The title is original, great job with that.

But the description is so...choppy.

/Emma Bryant and her little sister are in danger. Men from their dad's shaddy past are after them. Kayne Volkov and his brothers are new. They're hiding a secret. They're werewolves and Emma is Kayne's mate./

Put it all in one or two sentences, makes it flow nicer. Easier read.

"Emma and her little sisters are in danger, the men from their father's shadey past are after them. Kayne and his brothers are new, they are hiding a secret, and Emma is Kayne's mate."

They have a secret? So don't go around telling us! Leave it only inside the story, and tell us it there. It's a secret!

Inside is pretty good. I feel that it is a bit rushed though. In my opinion, you're spending too much time on making the three men order some food and not enough introduction of the character. This is your main character, she should be the priority, not root beer.

Remember your log line? This is the best area to kick it off. I read your second chapter as well, and I feel that the second chapter would work far better as the first. It's kicking everything off.

Get your character moving on the ball, so your readers will turn the page as well. Introduce the character, get her going, and get the story going.

My advice is to combine chapter one with chapter two. Giving information about the three men in chapter one at the same time you get the ball rolling in chapter two. How you combine it (if at all) is yours, I'm not the author.

These are my opinions, you are the author and so you have the ultimate descisions.
5/31/2008 c2 3Estelin
this was excellent. i can not wait for more. keep up the good work and writing
5/30/2008 c1 11fantasywriter22
Its really cute and sweet. The one thing I don't really connect with is why the one brother told her that they were new and could we get a menu. It doesn't seem like it flowed. Do you know what I mean...?
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