for No personality allowed7/5/2008 c1 Seykhl
Great poem. I love the theme. Not so much your principal...why would he do that? The jeans sound really cool.
-T.I.N.
Great poem. I love the theme. Not so much your principal...why would he do that? The jeans sound really cool.
-T.I.N.
6/13/2008 c1 
495mate.feed.kill.repeat
I told you I'd get around to reading this for you SOME day... =]
First, I'm going to complain because it's completely STUPID for the friggin principal to have made you change your jeans. THEY'RE JUST PANTS! My best friend (bless her heart & I love her to death) wears jeans ripped up so much you might as well be able to see her entire butt hanging out. (I don't think she realizes how provacative the things she wears are... a bit funny sometimes.)
Eh. Onto the writing.
First-FP generally fucks with the way your documents are formatted. Case in point: Your first line shows up twice. Now, it seems that no one bothers to check the documents they upload before they post them, so a ton of people miss this. It's not that distracting but I personally think it looks dumb to have an extra line just hanging around in there.
Second-in the second line ("Hear there stares of shock"):
-there should be "their"
-you said hear. Nice touch... but I'm not sure if it really fits, seeing as "staring" is a look and "hearing" is technically feeling molecules bounce off your eardrums, cochlea, and so forth. But I think I like it. =] So don't change it.
-also like how you said "feel their whispers" in the first line. Ah, you are shaping up to be a good poet. =]
Last-you used the word "shock" (or "shocked" in some cases) three or four times throughout this piece. Now, this piece is probably somewhere between 50-100 words in length, using the same word that many times gets to be boring and monotonous. I'd look for another word to work with.
BUT-this was a very intriguing piece, with a good subject. I think it pisses people off to no end when things like this happy. As soon as you express yourself and stand out from the crowd, it's considered a "dress code vialotion" because it's "distracting." Well-if they got used to boys constantly showing their boxers, no matter what, and now that's hardly an offense, why can't the jackasses put up with pants with writing on them? Honestly. I like your pants idea a lot more than that one dude's AEagle boxers hanging out all through fourth period. (Ew. AND he's fat, too.)
Keep writing; I swear it's healthy.
-stix-
495mate.feed.kill.repeatI told you I'd get around to reading this for you SOME day... =]
First, I'm going to complain because it's completely STUPID for the friggin principal to have made you change your jeans. THEY'RE JUST PANTS! My best friend (bless her heart & I love her to death) wears jeans ripped up so much you might as well be able to see her entire butt hanging out. (I don't think she realizes how provacative the things she wears are... a bit funny sometimes.)
Eh. Onto the writing.
First-FP generally fucks with the way your documents are formatted. Case in point: Your first line shows up twice. Now, it seems that no one bothers to check the documents they upload before they post them, so a ton of people miss this. It's not that distracting but I personally think it looks dumb to have an extra line just hanging around in there.
Second-in the second line ("Hear there stares of shock"):
-there should be "their"
-you said hear. Nice touch... but I'm not sure if it really fits, seeing as "staring" is a look and "hearing" is technically feeling molecules bounce off your eardrums, cochlea, and so forth. But I think I like it. =] So don't change it.
-also like how you said "feel their whispers" in the first line. Ah, you are shaping up to be a good poet. =]
Last-you used the word "shock" (or "shocked" in some cases) three or four times throughout this piece. Now, this piece is probably somewhere between 50-100 words in length, using the same word that many times gets to be boring and monotonous. I'd look for another word to work with.
BUT-this was a very intriguing piece, with a good subject. I think it pisses people off to no end when things like this happy. As soon as you express yourself and stand out from the crowd, it's considered a "dress code vialotion" because it's "distracting." Well-if they got used to boys constantly showing their boxers, no matter what, and now that's hardly an offense, why can't the jackasses put up with pants with writing on them? Honestly. I like your pants idea a lot more than that one dude's AEagle boxers hanging out all through fourth period. (Ew. AND he's fat, too.)
Keep writing; I swear it's healthy.
-stix-
6/2/2008 c1 lymli
wow, write things on jeans sounds cool and original, but I understand, sometimes school suppress a lot of things.
wow, write things on jeans sounds cool and original, but I understand, sometimes school suppress a lot of things.
6/2/2008 c1 115Random-Idiocity
''a style that's my own'' That's a good way describing to be yourself, and it's a shame most people can't see the beauty in being creative. This was very well written. Keep it Up!
115Random-Idiocity''a style that's my own'' That's a good way describing to be yourself, and it's a shame most people can't see the beauty in being creative. This was very well written. Keep it Up!