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for Innocent

7/4/2009 c1 Isca
I like the repetition of the word 'again' throughout the piece. It adds a touch of frustration to the idea that this woman is an alcoholic.

The line, "She's breaking down now," is absolutely brilliant-it's ironic in the sense that it's either referring to the car breaking down on the road, the woman breaking down on the inside, or both. I like that you leave this line so open for interpretation.

"The air is filled with pain." Oh wow. The tone of this line is so heavy that it leaves the reader feeling breathless.

"Goodbye again. Goodbye." This ending is perfect. The words 'goodbye again' suggest that the woman has tried to numb the pain before, but has been unsuccessful, whereas the word 'goodbye' leaves the reader to believe that the woman has finally committed suicide, and will not be doing anything 'again' any time soon.

Excellent work. :)
1/10/2009 c1 empty tea bottles
Hm, very poignant. While I feel that the repetition of 'again' gets a bit excessive, it could be very effective. Just try omitting it in a few places. For instance:

"She doesn’t understand again."

It just doesn't seem necessary here. I think you'd get the same message across by simply omitting it.

I also felt the ending was a little bland. It just didn't seem to tie everything together in a way that made me think. "Goodbye" is a common way to end a piece. Not that it can't be pulled off; I just think you could do more with it.

I don't know why, but I really liked this line:

"Her headlights are gone again."

It shattered me. I guess the bluntness of it did the trick.

Overall, you've got a good start here.
1/10/2009 c1 22effervescent-sentiments
You can take out the word "because" in the third line. "Because" is generally one of those ugly, unnecessary words in poetry.

I like the line "Do you have that much time left?" That's a line to get your readers thinking - and it may well stay with them for a while.

I'm not sure I like the repeated "again." Well, maybe I do. It makes for an interesting sound, a rhythm. Rethink the agains, in any case. Also, all of your images are melodramatic and not quite thought out. Why is the air filled with pain when she smokes? The reader is having to assume. Try using your senses for more concrete images; I think they will make your poem more interesting.

~Effervescent-Sentiments
6/3/2008 c1 105The Exuberant
good poem!
6/2/2008 c1 43Love.Is.Free
The repetition of the word 'again' is very effective. Good work.

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