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for A Mantra of Words

7/26/2008 c1 612simpleplan13
Okay a preface to my review: I don't write stories or review them too often, but I shall try my best.

-You use the word away twice in the first two opening sentences and again in the fourth I didn't like that.

-“Myra, Myra, what’s wrong!”... that's a question so ? maybe?

-"friends eyes. "...friend's

-"echos throughout the small apartment"...echoes

-"The cries come to an end as she drifts off into a sleep only crying can bring."... didn't like the repetition of cries and crying

-"Slowly he leaves, the room, he casts a "...no commas needed around room

-"Concern showing in his features."... not a sentence, connect it to the one before it with a comma maybe

Ok here's the only thing that I didn't like in this troy. The relationships were unclear, you say a friend, a fiance and a brother. I'm guessing it's Myra's fiance? In which case I think anyway Jacob was kinda a little too close, especially if he's the brother. Maybe a female character should be comforting her? Unless he's Myra's brother... it just seemed to imply to me anyway that something was going on with Jacob and Myra at least emotionally, which is fine if her and Aiden weren't involved romantically.

Anyhow I did like the piece. It's a great description of how people react to grief and your word choices and imagery for the most part were really powerful. Nicely done.
6/6/2008 c1 172DefineBeauty
aw..that's so sad...i think that's the worst fear of someone close to a firefigher, whether they be a brother, a sister, a daughter, a wife...anything.

i didn't notice any grammar or punctiation mistakes, of course i was pulled into the story so much that I just might not have noticed, lol.

i like how you didn't state what had happened until the very end. it keeps you guessing and then all at once everything falls into place

great job =]

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