for who knows5/4/2009 c1 
5Midori Ushi Law
You're probably going to wonder how I can even attempt to give a depth review to a song... I'll show you in a minute... I'm going to use a depth poem review for this thing.
I will first point out your really well put WORD CHOICE with Require, Inquire, Aspire, Perspire, Retire, Expire, Inspire... That was pretty genius to actually find all those words that rhyme but also represent the stages of life. Babies require when they're born. Children Inquire. Teens and decent adult Aspire... Middle aged people perspire. Old folks Retire... Dead folks expire... and somewhere along the line (even after you're dead) you can indirectly Inspire someone by the works you did when u were alive... really cool.
Even though you categorize this as Angst, I enjoyed it. I didn't sense the angst in it, but I felt the teaching that you were doing. It's a helpful push to someone by sayin even though this is the reality of life, it's worth taking the risk..
Well the suicidal feel is a little angsty... lol I suck.
The Subject of this song is easily interprettable. Seeing the One shot you wrote, it could easily be compared to this... You have a heart for helping people get over their dark depressions. That's what this song is really about huh?
The rhythm of this song at first gave me a feeling as if I was standing on the edge of a tall building, rocking back and forth. The way I read your lyrics, it kind of radiates that type of rocking feeling. Like I was swaying. Further down in the song, the rhythm becomes unstable which feels like the person is about to fall until you mention the inspire part... You're good... You're really good...
GOOD READ
5Midori Ushi LawYou're probably going to wonder how I can even attempt to give a depth review to a song... I'll show you in a minute... I'm going to use a depth poem review for this thing.
I will first point out your really well put WORD CHOICE with Require, Inquire, Aspire, Perspire, Retire, Expire, Inspire... That was pretty genius to actually find all those words that rhyme but also represent the stages of life. Babies require when they're born. Children Inquire. Teens and decent adult Aspire... Middle aged people perspire. Old folks Retire... Dead folks expire... and somewhere along the line (even after you're dead) you can indirectly Inspire someone by the works you did when u were alive... really cool.
Even though you categorize this as Angst, I enjoyed it. I didn't sense the angst in it, but I felt the teaching that you were doing. It's a helpful push to someone by sayin even though this is the reality of life, it's worth taking the risk..
Well the suicidal feel is a little angsty... lol I suck.
The Subject of this song is easily interprettable. Seeing the One shot you wrote, it could easily be compared to this... You have a heart for helping people get over their dark depressions. That's what this song is really about huh?
The rhythm of this song at first gave me a feeling as if I was standing on the edge of a tall building, rocking back and forth. The way I read your lyrics, it kind of radiates that type of rocking feeling. Like I was swaying. Further down in the song, the rhythm becomes unstable which feels like the person is about to fall until you mention the inspire part... You're good... You're really good...
GOOD READ
10/22/2008 c1 22Starleaf
I liked this a lot at the beginning, but it sounded kind of off halfway down. The rhyme scheme "First you require...But you also inspire" was kind of tiring and needs to be broken up a bit. It was sort of monotonous, though.
But anyway, this is review 2 of 6! I'm on my way to review your other stuff, haha.
Good job :)
22StarleafI liked this a lot at the beginning, but it sounded kind of off halfway down. The rhyme scheme "First you require...But you also inspire" was kind of tiring and needs to be broken up a bit. It was sort of monotonous, though.
But anyway, this is review 2 of 6! I'm on my way to review your other stuff, haha.
Good job :)
8/19/2008 c1 3Mouse Mitterand
I like it! Really good. Simple, provocative, crisp, and meaningful. Wish I could hear the tune!
3Mouse MitterandI like it! Really good. Simple, provocative, crisp, and meaningful. Wish I could hear the tune!
7/18/2008 c1 Counting Petals
I liked the rhyming, but thought you could definitely expand on your thoughts here. It was a good start, though =)
I liked the rhyming, but thought you could definitely expand on your thoughts here. It was a good start, though =)
7/2/2008 c1 15Lorki
I really like this poem and the rhyming was great in the beginning and middle but then the end doesn't rhyme which sort of threw me off and interrupted the flow a bit. Overall i like the poem and the message. Kudos.
-Lorki
15LorkiI really like this poem and the rhyming was great in the beginning and middle but then the end doesn't rhyme which sort of threw me off and interrupted the flow a bit. Overall i like the poem and the message. Kudos.
-Lorki
7/1/2008 c1 121doctor's diagnosis
I like a lot of the lines by themselves, but all together the effect is weakened by the repetitiveness. I really don't get the line "You're shy, youre tall". Maybe if you expanded the lines while still keeping your rhyming scheme the poem would come across clearer.
Cheers,
r.
121doctor's diagnosisI like a lot of the lines by themselves, but all together the effect is weakened by the repetitiveness. I really don't get the line "You're shy, youre tall". Maybe if you expanded the lines while still keeping your rhyming scheme the poem would come across clearer.
Cheers,
r.
6/18/2008 c1 22Amertie
I liked the 'first you require, then inquire...' part. It's a good way of phrasing the steps of life.
I felt like the rhyming was a bit forced. Rhyming usually doesn't work so well with shorter lines. I commend you for trying, though; it's hard to pull off than free-verse. I understand it's a song, though; maybe the rhyming sounds better when the melody is added.
The ending was nice. It made me want to re-read your poem, and that's always a good thing.
22AmertieI liked the 'first you require, then inquire...' part. It's a good way of phrasing the steps of life.
I felt like the rhyming was a bit forced. Rhyming usually doesn't work so well with shorter lines. I commend you for trying, though; it's hard to pull off than free-verse. I understand it's a song, though; maybe the rhyming sounds better when the melody is added.
The ending was nice. It made me want to re-read your poem, and that's always a good thing.
6/14/2008 c1 88Chidori Nadare
review game:
I really like the idea of this one and the opening line is great. I can't say I'm sure about the rhyming it seemed a bit forced, but this was still good. Keep writing!
-C.N
88Chidori Nadarereview game:
I really like the idea of this one and the opening line is great. I can't say I'm sure about the rhyming it seemed a bit forced, but this was still good. Keep writing!
-C.N
6/14/2008 c1 Ersa Crayold
Review Game:
Good Part - I liked the message for the story. The last line is very nice, "There is always something to live for."
Could Be Improved - I found a few grammar and punctuation errors. In the first line you wrote "my body was week" where as the word should be "weak". Besides this you forgot to capitalize many of the words that began a sentence.
Review Game:
Good Part - I liked the message for the story. The last line is very nice, "There is always something to live for."
Could Be Improved - I found a few grammar and punctuation errors. In the first line you wrote "my body was week" where as the word should be "weak". Besides this you forgot to capitalize many of the words that began a sentence.
6/12/2008 c1 lymli
I think the message in this is kinda good, it's true life isn't perfect but it's not means to give up.
I think the message in this is kinda good, it's true life isn't perfect but it's not means to give up.
6/12/2008 c1 15miscellanea
Your rhyme was well done because it gave the poem a really good rhythm and quick pace. I don't like the repetition of the first line because I don't really think it adds anything to the poem. An enjoyable read... good job!
15miscellaneaYour rhyme was well done because it gave the poem a really good rhythm and quick pace. I don't like the repetition of the first line because I don't really think it adds anything to the poem. An enjoyable read... good job!
6/12/2008 c1 612simpleplan13
I think fp messed up and repeated your first line twice
I like the ending because it makes a very good point. I like the idea of the piece, but I think the rhyming hurt the poem though instead of helping it. It just seemed to force some lines that didn't fit as well as they could've. Other than that I really liked it a lot. The format and repetition were really nice.
612simpleplan13I think fp messed up and repeated your first line twice
I like the ending because it makes a very good point. I like the idea of the piece, but I think the rhyming hurt the poem though instead of helping it. It just seemed to force some lines that didn't fit as well as they could've. Other than that I really liked it a lot. The format and repetition were really nice.