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7/14/2012 c1 18Evelyn Downs
Oooh...I like it. It's more...real than the mumbo-jumbo poetry that I tend to spin forth-I could learn from you, Sensei. Haha. But really, I love how it's both sensical and nonsensical at once. You know, a lot of people-including myself-have a very difficult time finding that place between too obvious (as in couplets and straightforward similes) and too convoluted (random words that we pretend make sense in our own minds). You've done a very nice job finding that balance, though this is coming from one who is poetically inept. Haha. Keep up the good work!
9/1/2009 c1 Reigh
Once again, I'm stumped by the actual meaning of it. I'm sorry I fail so hard at interpreting poetry, but yours is so well written I can't help but be intrigued by it despite that fact.

Again, the imagery is wonderful. I can see the club, the dancers. The emotional detailing is wonderful too. I can feel the paranoia, the fear.

Great work! Though I am starting to expect it always will be!

~Reigh~

From the Roadhouse with Love!

You have been Repaid!
11/7/2008 c1 7ainebear
Speechless.

I am completely speechless! Though for being speechless, I must say, that was amazing. I know, I sound very dramatic, but it is exactly how I feel when I read this. I am favoriting this. Keep writing in Art class!
9/30/2008 c1 19S. M. Saves
As usual, your descriptions are always vivid in your pieces. Vivid enough to see everything clearly, which is a nice ability to have as a writer.

"Refusing to loose themselves": Do you mean "lose" instead of "loose"? This is the only noticeble error I found.
8/29/2008 c1 Charactarantula
This is an interesting blend of poetry and storytelling. It's enjoyable and fresh, but I've got to admit I had no idea what the heck this 'predator' that you kept referring to was. Drugs? You did mention ecstasy...

I think that not understanding what's going on is really the only thing that took away from the piece. Maybe I'm just not reading into it enough or I need to listen to the song. Good work.

Cheers,

Jake
8/18/2008 c1 10FrameJock
Pretty good for some random thing!

I found that I've done some of the work that I ended up really liking in a pretty random fashion, with random inspiration, or just with a line.

It works, and it works well.
8/15/2008 c1 9maxwell's other demon
im not quite sure what its about.
8/13/2008 c1 612simpleplan13
kinda creepy. I like it a lot. The descriptions are nice and the story is really interesting & unique. Nicely done.
7/31/2008 c1 15heart shaped box x3
I rather liked this piece. In fact, I think it is one of my favorites that you have written. I loved the air of mystique the whole poem conveyed. It was rather breath-taking. The flow was pristine, getting your message across perfectly. I honestly have nothing to critique, your writing is wonderful.

:D

-Drea {heart shaped box}
7/25/2008 c1 8Violent Messiah
Normally, as I state at The Roadhouse, I'm not one to review poetry, but something about this one appeals to me. Perhaps its your setting that reminds me of work (I'm a club DJ) and that strikes a cord with me, or maybe the very subtle underlying hint of violence in it. Then again, I'm probably reading violence into the piece (I do that a lot), so maybe ignore that...although the fates of the women in the alleyway and the last one on the dance floor could be taken that way. The fear of the VIP room struck me as oddly funny, though, as I'm used to people trying to get IN VIP rooms, not trying to stay OUT. Heh.

Very lyrical, almost reads like it should have music put to it. That could also be a reason I like it. No spelling errors, so bonus points. All in all, I thought it was one of the few pieces of poetry I've found that I could even begin to relate to, so good job.
7/16/2008 c1 6concerto49
Full of imagination. Surely makes it engaging. Feels powerful with the predator and prey idea too. Held a bit of suspense. Cool.
6/27/2008 c1 Alive Out of Habit
I like the writing style. You give us enough to paint a picture in our mind, and don't leave it to confusing. I really like poems like this, makes us want to read it more than once so we can fully understand it. I can really see that you drew inspiration from 'The Church of Hot Addiction'. The poem feels as it goes with the song.

I'd like to disagree with one of the other reviews. Being a poem, its hard to tell what the writer originally intended, so we the reader have to take it in as we read it for. Besides, when has a good poem ever given a satisfying ending and actually tells you it. The best are written like this. So you can interpret it yourself, even if the writer didn't originally intend it as so.

Once again, I really enjoyed it and will be reading more of your work soon.

G-A-B-E Gonna Get You High!
6/26/2008 c1 31ByYourSide
Well it certainly has rhythm. I found it very melodic and poetic, even though I was rather confused as to what was actually happening. Great imagery, though.

I think a bit more clarity would make this piece a lot more enjoyable-it was fun to read, but I'm extremely confused.

=^^=
6/25/2008 c1 18Lime-Cat
At first glance, this looks like a poem, but I'm pretty sure this is prose, as it tells a story. (Do correct me if I am wrong though.)

The first line is a good introductory line, but it is a fragment. Consider fixing this. I like how the last line refers to 'everyone' as unsuspecting victims of the 'predators'. I believe a comma is needed after 'in ecstasy' in that last line as well as after 'one by one' in the following stanza.

You lack punctuation within your stanzas, essentially making each stanza one long run-on. Read this aloud and put in punctuation whenever you hear yourself pausing.

I'm a little confused as to what this piece is talking about. I kind of expected to have the answer revealed at the end, but that didn't happen and I'm a little disappointed that I am left in the dark (excuse the pun) after you have described this unknown force that can be either predator or prey. Is this unknown force, pride? Is hubris what you are trying to describe here? It seems like it, but I am not completely sure. (This is probably just my lack of insight.) I also wasn't a fan of the long lines after getting used to the fact that the majority of the lines are short. This takes away from the form and it is a bit distracting for me.

What is so terrifying of the "VIP room of the club"? I like how you hinted that people fear the unknown by speaking about "marching to the depths of the dragon's den". Very nice.

Despite all the concrit that I gave, I really did enjoy this piece. There are, in my opinion, quite a few punctuation errors, but just run through it with a fine comb and I'm sure you'll be able to find them all.

To wrap this up, you might want to put a period at the end of of your summary - "Losing yourself can be deadly(.)"
6/23/2008 c1 20Twilight Starr
Very interesting. I thought it was good. Nice work. Good luck with poetry and life. Have a fantastic summer and an amazing day.

~Twilight Starr~
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