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for The Bloodied Mansion

6/18/2009 c1 31ByYourSide
Well, cookies are awesome! *munch*

Overall, it was a bit creepy. If I saw this in a movie, it would give me the shivers. A serious case of the shivers. I like how you said the girl was "jammed under the bed in the same condition as her cat." That was especially chilling.

As for technical aspects... Each new line of dialog needs to be its own paragraph.

So, instead of:

...her mother called, "Miriam! Could you please come down here." "Wait!"

It would be:

...her mother called, "Miriam! Could you please come down here."



That's just gramatically correct, is all. :] Definitely spooky for your first try at horror. Horror gives me the heebie jeebies, so for my own sake I hope your stuff doesn't get any creepier!
6/17/2009 c2 19S. M. Saves
Hurray for paragraphs!

"My name's Gabrielle Astrall. 13 years old." Try "I am thirteen years old" instead. Spelling out the numbers give it a finished look.

But by all means, if you're going to put in a number like 345,989 then just leave it as a number.
6/17/2009 c1 S. M. Saves
I'll review, just don't kill anyone, okay?

A good first try at horror. You definitely need to separate things out into paragraphs though. It'll give the reader a chance to breath. With the way it is now, it feels like I have to rush through it.

Let's savory the story.
6/5/2009 c1 19fears up side
its pretty good, i love a good gory horror story
7/12/2008 c5 thejordanbaker
I thought that your story was great, but kinda sad. I just started a new account today.
7/7/2008 c5 2Antoinette Brewer
Ooh, this is a good story. Very gripping. I loved it.
7/6/2008 c5 4Ventus Shadows
Nice, good twist to the story. Awesome job on it too.
7/6/2008 c5 6breiteliza
Thanks for writing this, it was spectactular and really calmed my nerves. I can't wait for the epilouge!
7/6/2008 c5 12l3g3nd
Wow this chapter is simple and nice. And this is already the end of the story? (minus the epilogue of course)

Aww...I wish you will write more
6/28/2008 c4 lemmingsrockmyworld
I love it! Write!
6/24/2008 c4 l3g3nd
Haha I wonder what's gonna happen next. Wondering~

Anyway, nice chapter.

Happy writing.
6/23/2008 c4 4Ventus Shadows
Awesome, now this is a real horror story! This is horror! I noticed you got better over the chapters, and I can't wait for the next one. So hurry with it!
6/23/2008 c4 6breiteliza
I loved it, I can't wait to see what happens next. Keep up the amazing work, looking foward to your next update!
6/22/2008 c3 12l3g3nd
Another nice chapter. Full with suspense.

Happy writing.
6/20/2008 c3 6breiteliza
Even though it was short I loved it! I think you are a wonderful writer. If this is your passion go with it, because you'll get somewhere with this, I really think so.
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