for Missing Three Wishes6/28/2009 c3 
1Crimson Dizzy
Plot
I do like the way it's developing. The extra information on genies was interesting. I'm not getting a Harry Potter-ish vibe from this anymore at all, so that's good too. I also liked that the fighting turned out to be not Ali, but the leader of the genies. I wasn't expecting that.
Characters
Ali's becoming more 3D as the story progresses, which is good. I'm not sure about the introduction of so many new characters in one chapter, as I think their personalities didn't come across quite as well. As for Brandon, well, I detect a potential love interest...hope he's worthy of Ali's affections!
Pace
This chapter was a little sudden and fast paced for my liking. The introduction of all these people in one go was a bit...mind boggling. I hope you don't do too many new characters in the next one, as it confuses simple folk like meself.
Dialogue
I've noticed that Cantara (which is one cool name, btw!) speaks very differently to Ali, which is a good thing. Her speech really does help her to become a belivable 4600 year old (I laughed at that).
Keep writing!
1Crimson DizzyPlot
I do like the way it's developing. The extra information on genies was interesting. I'm not getting a Harry Potter-ish vibe from this anymore at all, so that's good too. I also liked that the fighting turned out to be not Ali, but the leader of the genies. I wasn't expecting that.
Characters
Ali's becoming more 3D as the story progresses, which is good. I'm not sure about the introduction of so many new characters in one chapter, as I think their personalities didn't come across quite as well. As for Brandon, well, I detect a potential love interest...hope he's worthy of Ali's affections!
Pace
This chapter was a little sudden and fast paced for my liking. The introduction of all these people in one go was a bit...mind boggling. I hope you don't do too many new characters in the next one, as it confuses simple folk like meself.
Dialogue
I've noticed that Cantara (which is one cool name, btw!) speaks very differently to Ali, which is a good thing. Her speech really does help her to become a belivable 4600 year old (I laughed at that).
Keep writing!
6/17/2009 c2 Crimson Dizzy
I'm so sorry for taking so long to review this! I had exams so I haven't been online at all!
Opening
It made me want to read on because I wasn't sure what was happening. Intresting start and quite effective. All the writing in italics kept my interest, I think stating chapters in that way is a good idea.
Spelling and grammar
I noticed that some of your words weren't spaced out when they should have been, e.g. "daretake" and "colony's" should have been "colonies". Also, gotta capitalize all them I's.
Plot
I loved it when Cantara was going into all the genie stuff and explaining it to Ally, I found your ideas (e.g. the liquid, solid and gas thing) very original and this part made me want to find out more about genies and what Ally will get up to as a genie. I also like that she's home schooled, it's less cliche that way but I haven't found this story particularly cliche so far.
Diaologue
Again, I thought the dialogue was one of the best if not the best aspect of this story. It's natural, not at all wooden and flows perfectly.
I'll get that last review to you soon, keep writing!
I'm so sorry for taking so long to review this! I had exams so I haven't been online at all!
Opening
It made me want to read on because I wasn't sure what was happening. Intresting start and quite effective. All the writing in italics kept my interest, I think stating chapters in that way is a good idea.
Spelling and grammar
I noticed that some of your words weren't spaced out when they should have been, e.g. "daretake" and "colony's" should have been "colonies". Also, gotta capitalize all them I's.
Plot
I loved it when Cantara was going into all the genie stuff and explaining it to Ally, I found your ideas (e.g. the liquid, solid and gas thing) very original and this part made me want to find out more about genies and what Ally will get up to as a genie. I also like that she's home schooled, it's less cliche that way but I haven't found this story particularly cliche so far.
Diaologue
Again, I thought the dialogue was one of the best if not the best aspect of this story. It's natural, not at all wooden and flows perfectly.
I'll get that last review to you soon, keep writing!
5/31/2009 c1 Crimson Dizzy
Opening
I liked the opening, the only thing is the first line sounded about sudden and out of nowhere to me, if you catch my drift. Maybe starting with dialogue would have been a better choice. The rest of the opening was interesting, I like that you gave it to us now even though we don't quite understand it yet.
Scene
The scene that stood out to me the most was the opening scene, because it was so different to the rest of the chapter. It made me want to find out how she got into that situation in the first place.
Relationships
I think her relationship with her aunt was portrayed quite well, you get the idea that they love each other but tend to get on each other's nerves a lot. I think you should work on showing us of what Aliya's relationship with her parents is like a little bit more.
Characters
I like Ailya, she's a believable teenage girl but she has character. Her personality was well-developed throughout this chapter and I felt like I knew her fairly well by the end. She's not perfect either (the whole thing about the swimming costume) which makes her more relatible to other teen girls. I felt her family were somewhat underdeveloped, we need to get to know them a bit more.
Dialogue
The dialogue, for me was perfect. I have nothing negative to say about it. Your characters spoke just as you'd expect them to.
Plot
I think that this could be a great story if you don't make it too Harry Potter-ish, but you seem to be avoiding that anyway.The genie thing is pretty origional, I don't think I've read a genie story before (minus Aladdin, obviously).
Writing
I think you need to add more descriptions. Go into a bit more detail of the characters and their surroundings.
Opening
I liked the opening, the only thing is the first line sounded about sudden and out of nowhere to me, if you catch my drift. Maybe starting with dialogue would have been a better choice. The rest of the opening was interesting, I like that you gave it to us now even though we don't quite understand it yet.
Scene
The scene that stood out to me the most was the opening scene, because it was so different to the rest of the chapter. It made me want to find out how she got into that situation in the first place.
Relationships
I think her relationship with her aunt was portrayed quite well, you get the idea that they love each other but tend to get on each other's nerves a lot. I think you should work on showing us of what Aliya's relationship with her parents is like a little bit more.
Characters
I like Ailya, she's a believable teenage girl but she has character. Her personality was well-developed throughout this chapter and I felt like I knew her fairly well by the end. She's not perfect either (the whole thing about the swimming costume) which makes her more relatible to other teen girls. I felt her family were somewhat underdeveloped, we need to get to know them a bit more.
Dialogue
The dialogue, for me was perfect. I have nothing negative to say about it. Your characters spoke just as you'd expect them to.
Plot
I think that this could be a great story if you don't make it too Harry Potter-ish, but you seem to be avoiding that anyway.The genie thing is pretty origional, I don't think I've read a genie story before (minus Aladdin, obviously).
Writing
I think you need to add more descriptions. Go into a bit more detail of the characters and their surroundings.
5/29/2009 c1 Chasing Skylines
- Grammar/Spelling
[She was winded, and could hardly breathe, and now had a fresh, deep cut up her arm.]
To avoid the repetition of "and," the sentence could be restructured without the first "and."
[large tug]
"large" seems an overly odd way to describe a tug, since it looks like you're aiming to describe force but instead chose a size-descriptor.
[Tears were streaming down her face.]
[Her cuts and bruises were only made worse.]
You may want to be wary of passive tense, usually indicated by "was/were/are/etc." Like, the second sentence could be more powerful reworded as something like "Her wounds opened" for the cuts, etc.
[she took a deep breath shakily attempted to pull herself up onto her unstable legs, and turned to face him.]
You're missing a comma after shakily. Unless shakily was the adverb for attempted, in which case the comma would be before shakily.
[Looking up she could see her attacker: The man who ruined everything]
The shouldn't be capitalized.
[“You c-can’t make m-me give in” She said]
This happens all over your story. You should check up on dialogue punctuation. There should be a comma after in, and then she shouldn't be capitalized.
I'll stop with the grammar corrections; basically, you may want to proofread this. Some are basic typos that you most likely overlooked, like I see an "its" that should be "it's."
- Dialogue
The dialogue felt the age group. I also felt it conveyed the characters' personalities adequately, if stiff at certain points.
But, like I said, the dialogue punctuation was incorrect a lot.
- Opening
In terms of plot, the beginning was straight into the action, which was good. It was very melodramatic, based on the woman's reactions, which pushed the situation higher.
- Plot
I thought, overall, it was cliche. I'm sure you have the potential to make it interesting, though.
- Grammar/Spelling
[She was winded, and could hardly breathe, and now had a fresh, deep cut up her arm.]
To avoid the repetition of "and," the sentence could be restructured without the first "and."
[large tug]
"large" seems an overly odd way to describe a tug, since it looks like you're aiming to describe force but instead chose a size-descriptor.
[Tears were streaming down her face.]
[Her cuts and bruises were only made worse.]
You may want to be wary of passive tense, usually indicated by "was/were/are/etc." Like, the second sentence could be more powerful reworded as something like "Her wounds opened" for the cuts, etc.
[she took a deep breath shakily attempted to pull herself up onto her unstable legs, and turned to face him.]
You're missing a comma after shakily. Unless shakily was the adverb for attempted, in which case the comma would be before shakily.
[Looking up she could see her attacker: The man who ruined everything]
The shouldn't be capitalized.
[“You c-can’t make m-me give in” She said]
This happens all over your story. You should check up on dialogue punctuation. There should be a comma after in, and then she shouldn't be capitalized.
I'll stop with the grammar corrections; basically, you may want to proofread this. Some are basic typos that you most likely overlooked, like I see an "its" that should be "it's."
- Dialogue
The dialogue felt the age group. I also felt it conveyed the characters' personalities adequately, if stiff at certain points.
But, like I said, the dialogue punctuation was incorrect a lot.
- Opening
In terms of plot, the beginning was straight into the action, which was good. It was very melodramatic, based on the woman's reactions, which pushed the situation higher.
- Plot
I thought, overall, it was cliche. I'm sure you have the potential to make it interesting, though.
5/29/2009 c1 37LaFarfalla
Interesting beginning, like the reader is walking in on a scene already in motion. Sad end to the beginning, with the defeated woman giving in to the evil man.
"I sat there silently in English class, doodling in the back of my book. I was struggling to stay awake. I’m not the biggest fan of English these days… too much analysing, too much technique stuff. It’s enough to drive a girl crazy, to be honest." Why the sudden shift in tenses in the third sentence?
I like Ally's inner dialogue and her conversations with other people. She has a very natural voice even when all the crazy magical stuff starts happening to her.
You have a very casual, natural style and I like it a lot. The story seems like it could be a manga, also. You have a few grammatical mistakes here and there. Nothing that can't be fixed by a run through. Overall, nice job and great first chapter!
37LaFarfallaInteresting beginning, like the reader is walking in on a scene already in motion. Sad end to the beginning, with the defeated woman giving in to the evil man.
"I sat there silently in English class, doodling in the back of my book. I was struggling to stay awake. I’m not the biggest fan of English these days… too much analysing, too much technique stuff. It’s enough to drive a girl crazy, to be honest." Why the sudden shift in tenses in the third sentence?
I like Ally's inner dialogue and her conversations with other people. She has a very natural voice even when all the crazy magical stuff starts happening to her.
You have a very casual, natural style and I like it a lot. The story seems like it could be a manga, also. You have a few grammatical mistakes here and there. Nothing that can't be fixed by a run through. Overall, nice job and great first chapter!
5/29/2009 c1 5karma-dollie
I like the mystery behind the introduction. It's vague enough to leave plenty of room for questions that will undoubtedly be solved later on in the story without, but it doesn't leave the reader so confused that he/she stops. Whoever the girl is who was put in charge of signing the paper must be fairly young if she's a genie because she still has legs so how did it end up as her job to sign the paper and not some wizened older genie or something? The whole thing is a big question mark and it doesn't drag on to bore the reader.
The grammatical errors and awkward sentences made this difficult to read though. I think more often than not, the dialogue doesn't have any form of punctuation at the end or if it does, it's the wrong one. As for sentence structure, the very first line is a little strange and that part is probably the most important since that's the grabber line that will pull in or push away your readers' attention. You wrote, "She was winded, and could hardly breathe," which is a bit redundant and examples like this are scattered throughout.
Yeah, the plot seems pretty typical, but if the rest of it has the potential of the opening since I understand this is an introductory chapter, then this could be really good. Interesting start. :)
5karma-dollieI like the mystery behind the introduction. It's vague enough to leave plenty of room for questions that will undoubtedly be solved later on in the story without, but it doesn't leave the reader so confused that he/she stops. Whoever the girl is who was put in charge of signing the paper must be fairly young if she's a genie because she still has legs so how did it end up as her job to sign the paper and not some wizened older genie or something? The whole thing is a big question mark and it doesn't drag on to bore the reader.
The grammatical errors and awkward sentences made this difficult to read though. I think more often than not, the dialogue doesn't have any form of punctuation at the end or if it does, it's the wrong one. As for sentence structure, the very first line is a little strange and that part is probably the most important since that's the grabber line that will pull in or push away your readers' attention. You wrote, "She was winded, and could hardly breathe," which is a bit redundant and examples like this are scattered throughout.
Yeah, the plot seems pretty typical, but if the rest of it has the potential of the opening since I understand this is an introductory chapter, then this could be really good. Interesting start. :)
5/4/2009 c4 5Midori Ushi Law
ARe U SERIOUS? I HAD PRESSED A BUTTON AND NOW I GOTTA REWRITE MY WHOLE REVIEW AGAIN?
In the US, it's very late here, but I feel like reading your latest chapter of this story. Sorry if this review isn't as lengthy as my others. It will still cover depth.
Spelling and Grammar were very good, but I noticed a couple a places in this chapter where you had an experience called Writer's Skip. Writer's Skip is a term that I made up for a certain problem that I have in my own writing. It's when a writer has a lot going on in his or her mind when writing a particular sentence that they tend to not realize how often they repeat a word, thus sounding redundant. I'll show you one part of your story that does it. (I glanced towards my parents, and then walked towards the building, moving up the stairs towards the large, brown doors. ) Towards. Lol. It's not a bad thing, but this actually stood out to me, and took me away from the sentence almost all together. I sorta had to reread that sentence for some reason to understand it even though it wasn't a complex thing at all. I hope you like my coined term lol.
I'm glad to see the plot surfacing and the pace of the story speeding up a little. A few mysteries enter the scene here, and I got some ideas on what could be the answer to these secrets.
Aliya is getting a lot of character development. She seems rather insecure and shy. Even though it's not a bad thing, I'm not seeing her as the hero that I saw in the chapter where she had the dream. She seems almost too insecure to try to save genies from slavery.
These four chapters were good reads honestly. I wish you'd find some time to update this. November is a long time ago.
You describe this scenery well. It's seems like a once beautiful palace that got touched by aged over the years...
Like I said, sorry for the shortness of this review. I kept it in the depthness lol, but I'm kinda sleepy... z GOOD READ
5Midori Ushi LawARe U SERIOUS? I HAD PRESSED A BUTTON AND NOW I GOTTA REWRITE MY WHOLE REVIEW AGAIN?
In the US, it's very late here, but I feel like reading your latest chapter of this story. Sorry if this review isn't as lengthy as my others. It will still cover depth.
Spelling and Grammar were very good, but I noticed a couple a places in this chapter where you had an experience called Writer's Skip. Writer's Skip is a term that I made up for a certain problem that I have in my own writing. It's when a writer has a lot going on in his or her mind when writing a particular sentence that they tend to not realize how often they repeat a word, thus sounding redundant. I'll show you one part of your story that does it. (I glanced towards my parents, and then walked towards the building, moving up the stairs towards the large, brown doors. ) Towards. Lol. It's not a bad thing, but this actually stood out to me, and took me away from the sentence almost all together. I sorta had to reread that sentence for some reason to understand it even though it wasn't a complex thing at all. I hope you like my coined term lol.
I'm glad to see the plot surfacing and the pace of the story speeding up a little. A few mysteries enter the scene here, and I got some ideas on what could be the answer to these secrets.
Aliya is getting a lot of character development. She seems rather insecure and shy. Even though it's not a bad thing, I'm not seeing her as the hero that I saw in the chapter where she had the dream. She seems almost too insecure to try to save genies from slavery.
These four chapters were good reads honestly. I wish you'd find some time to update this. November is a long time ago.
You describe this scenery well. It's seems like a once beautiful palace that got touched by aged over the years...
Like I said, sorry for the shortness of this review. I kept it in the depthness lol, but I'm kinda sleepy... z GOOD READ
5/3/2009 c3 Midori Ushi Law
I enjoy how natural this story feels. Talking about content, I must say that the way the first scene in this chapter ended left me with a slight disgust. I am really into this story, and I hate the fact that the fate of the genies happened the way it did. You incorporated the first scene of the first chapter in this history well, but still, I was in disgust at the end of this scene... It seemed almost like a manipulative brain wash kinda thing... How could Cantara ask such an ofensive question? How could they laugh it off... Maybe I am a little stuck on the woe is me... Maybe they are making the best of a sucky situation, but still, I'm in disgust at how that scene ended.. Just let the freakin humans choose which one they'd rather have me in... And if that was just a stupid joke that referred back to the old comedy series and the disney movie and not a real question she was asking her, then Auntie has a freakin twisted sense of humor... Don't get me wrong, ur a good author, but this isn't about you... this is about ur crazy character! Lol...
… Oh scratch that joke idea... (I stop and review as I read... That's the best way to do depth reviews to me.) I just noticed that Aliya chose the bottle... oh well... It's still twisted...
(“Look who finally crossed over to the other side!” Leach laughed ) Leach? Is that a mistake or a nickname you gave that poor girl?
Is Aliya's dad just pure mortal or did he somehow not touch that stone for some reason and thus avoided the fate of the rest of his clan?
Once again the story flowed really well. Your form is exquisite... I can't believe i'm only one chapter behind now. You didn't have any grammar errors or anything.
The relationship between characters is building, but it's not quite there yet. The dialogues are too scattered right now to see any closeness just yet, but I'm sure I'll see a little in the next chapter. I'm still sorta waiting on the real plot. And what about touching that stone every hour? She's in school, does she take like 7 bathroom breaks or something? lol
The Pace of the story has become a little slow now, but it's just me. I should expect Aliya to go back to school lol. As easily as the chapter flowed and as comfortable I felt reading it, the content just got to me some sue to the pace. Don't worry, it's not too bad. Just something that isn't in my preference very much. At times I'm impatient, and I want to see her get started on her magic training or schooling or something lol.
I still highly enjoyed the chapter. I see a potential love interest and probably a potential envious friend/enemy lol.
Good Read!
I enjoy how natural this story feels. Talking about content, I must say that the way the first scene in this chapter ended left me with a slight disgust. I am really into this story, and I hate the fact that the fate of the genies happened the way it did. You incorporated the first scene of the first chapter in this history well, but still, I was in disgust at the end of this scene... It seemed almost like a manipulative brain wash kinda thing... How could Cantara ask such an ofensive question? How could they laugh it off... Maybe I am a little stuck on the woe is me... Maybe they are making the best of a sucky situation, but still, I'm in disgust at how that scene ended.. Just let the freakin humans choose which one they'd rather have me in... And if that was just a stupid joke that referred back to the old comedy series and the disney movie and not a real question she was asking her, then Auntie has a freakin twisted sense of humor... Don't get me wrong, ur a good author, but this isn't about you... this is about ur crazy character! Lol...
… Oh scratch that joke idea... (I stop and review as I read... That's the best way to do depth reviews to me.) I just noticed that Aliya chose the bottle... oh well... It's still twisted...
(“Look who finally crossed over to the other side!” Leach laughed ) Leach? Is that a mistake or a nickname you gave that poor girl?
Is Aliya's dad just pure mortal or did he somehow not touch that stone for some reason and thus avoided the fate of the rest of his clan?
Once again the story flowed really well. Your form is exquisite... I can't believe i'm only one chapter behind now. You didn't have any grammar errors or anything.
The relationship between characters is building, but it's not quite there yet. The dialogues are too scattered right now to see any closeness just yet, but I'm sure I'll see a little in the next chapter. I'm still sorta waiting on the real plot. And what about touching that stone every hour? She's in school, does she take like 7 bathroom breaks or something? lol
The Pace of the story has become a little slow now, but it's just me. I should expect Aliya to go back to school lol. As easily as the chapter flowed and as comfortable I felt reading it, the content just got to me some sue to the pace. Don't worry, it's not too bad. Just something that isn't in my preference very much. At times I'm impatient, and I want to see her get started on her magic training or schooling or something lol.
I still highly enjoyed the chapter. I see a potential love interest and probably a potential envious friend/enemy lol.
Good Read!
5/3/2009 c2 Midori Ushi Law
I hope you don't mind me overlooking any spelling and grammar errors you have. I honestly feel like there is a lot more good and it definitely outweighs small mistakes, so I'd rather use that quarter of my depth review talking about something positive.
I noticed something that makes this story give a realistic feel to it. No, it's not the part where you mentioned Myspace... It's something even more realistic than that. In the middle of the chapter, you called the girl working at the internet cafe beautiful... I noticed Ally saying the same thing in chapter 1 when she described her friend right after she left class... At first I thought she was a lez in chapter 1 when I read that, but now I notice that you are portraying the way she probably perceives herself... She says that she doesn't have the best figure and she compares herself to hideous things, so when she sees someone who looks better than her, she calls them beautiful... That is the most realistic adjective that I've ever seen someone used that had nothing to do with love interests or attractiveness... The is a realistic perception that EVERYBODY feels and I like how you put that in there. I doubt many people would catch that...
To answer the question in your author's note. Aliya is fine. Since we get a slight feel of her character in chapter 1, we still require a little more characterization of her in this second chapter... You are the author and you have to power to choose what kind of personality she has and thus showing us how she responds and reacts to certain situations. You sorta got the Woe is me stuff out of the way when you gave this chapter a 6-day time skip. I like Aliya's character. She seems like a very caring individual, and despite the woe is me stuff that DID go on, I can already see the heroine (SHEro) in her. She's a cool protagonist.
This chapter flowed well and I must admit that reading extra long chapters is not my cup of tea, but this story captivated me enough to enjoy it. I love the format you use and the ease that it goes in. It's like I'm watching an anime and not even reading it...
This story that you wrote is not fit for freakin Easy Fix reviews. You give a lot and pack a lot of good stuff in your stories that they actually deserve a depth review for each read.
I came to realize that I love the way you end your chapters. This chapter ended with an explanation of genies and the magic. It also gave a little mystery with that liquid form of the stone thingy. This gave a real Anime feel because most fantasy/magical powers anime must explain how, when, and what in the beginning in order to get the true plot rolling. Your plot is slowly forming, but I can predict that there is more that will unravel once this school thing kicks off.
GOOD READ!
I hope you don't mind me overlooking any spelling and grammar errors you have. I honestly feel like there is a lot more good and it definitely outweighs small mistakes, so I'd rather use that quarter of my depth review talking about something positive.
I noticed something that makes this story give a realistic feel to it. No, it's not the part where you mentioned Myspace... It's something even more realistic than that. In the middle of the chapter, you called the girl working at the internet cafe beautiful... I noticed Ally saying the same thing in chapter 1 when she described her friend right after she left class... At first I thought she was a lez in chapter 1 when I read that, but now I notice that you are portraying the way she probably perceives herself... She says that she doesn't have the best figure and she compares herself to hideous things, so when she sees someone who looks better than her, she calls them beautiful... That is the most realistic adjective that I've ever seen someone used that had nothing to do with love interests or attractiveness... The is a realistic perception that EVERYBODY feels and I like how you put that in there. I doubt many people would catch that...
To answer the question in your author's note. Aliya is fine. Since we get a slight feel of her character in chapter 1, we still require a little more characterization of her in this second chapter... You are the author and you have to power to choose what kind of personality she has and thus showing us how she responds and reacts to certain situations. You sorta got the Woe is me stuff out of the way when you gave this chapter a 6-day time skip. I like Aliya's character. She seems like a very caring individual, and despite the woe is me stuff that DID go on, I can already see the heroine (SHEro) in her. She's a cool protagonist.
This chapter flowed well and I must admit that reading extra long chapters is not my cup of tea, but this story captivated me enough to enjoy it. I love the format you use and the ease that it goes in. It's like I'm watching an anime and not even reading it...
This story that you wrote is not fit for freakin Easy Fix reviews. You give a lot and pack a lot of good stuff in your stories that they actually deserve a depth review for each read.
I came to realize that I love the way you end your chapters. This chapter ended with an explanation of genies and the magic. It also gave a little mystery with that liquid form of the stone thingy. This gave a real Anime feel because most fantasy/magical powers anime must explain how, when, and what in the beginning in order to get the true plot rolling. Your plot is slowly forming, but I can predict that there is more that will unravel once this school thing kicks off.
GOOD READ!
5/3/2009 c1 Midori Ushi Law
What some people would put in a prologue, you simply had the audactiy to place in the first chapter in your story... IT WORKED OUT VERY WELL! The very beginning of this chapter moved me. The opening had some action and really started the story off with a bang literally.
Okay here's something I caught in your spelling thing. “I’m not exactly the ideal weight. I’m short, and I way 80kg ” Way? Lol. I can tell that you were just chillin when you wrote this sentence. I would've said something if I thought you didn't know how to spell “weigh”, but Magically on the previous sentence you say the word “weight”, so I knew it was a no big deal kind of mistake. It didn't take away from the story. I just found it slightly humorous.
I love how you incorporate your Australian accent into the story. I'm from the US and I practically hear this girl with that cool/cute Australian accent.. You use words like “Bloody” and use “kg” as a form of measurement in the story which is pretty cool. Not only am I getting the feel of an awesome story, but I'm getting a feel of Australian dialogue. The dialogue was truly natural and made for some great character development.
(See, this is why I hate it when I cry. I look like the fucking love child of a cow and a slug. )... Only a true Professional Artist can draw such a picture with words... I believe that above all else in this story and in all or your writings, your descriptiveness that only an artist can give will win me over, because it opens a poetic side of a person that emits nothing but originality.
This Genie thing is sorta cool. As much talk as there is about funky wizards, retarded witches, boring vampires, and so on, you bring a new original flavor to something not many of us cared about since the release of Alladin. I love your writing and if you keep this up, I might actually be a crazy fan of yours lol. GOOD READ
What some people would put in a prologue, you simply had the audactiy to place in the first chapter in your story... IT WORKED OUT VERY WELL! The very beginning of this chapter moved me. The opening had some action and really started the story off with a bang literally.
Okay here's something I caught in your spelling thing. “I’m not exactly the ideal weight. I’m short, and I way 80kg ” Way? Lol. I can tell that you were just chillin when you wrote this sentence. I would've said something if I thought you didn't know how to spell “weigh”, but Magically on the previous sentence you say the word “weight”, so I knew it was a no big deal kind of mistake. It didn't take away from the story. I just found it slightly humorous.
I love how you incorporate your Australian accent into the story. I'm from the US and I practically hear this girl with that cool/cute Australian accent.. You use words like “Bloody” and use “kg” as a form of measurement in the story which is pretty cool. Not only am I getting the feel of an awesome story, but I'm getting a feel of Australian dialogue. The dialogue was truly natural and made for some great character development.
(See, this is why I hate it when I cry. I look like the fucking love child of a cow and a slug. )... Only a true Professional Artist can draw such a picture with words... I believe that above all else in this story and in all or your writings, your descriptiveness that only an artist can give will win me over, because it opens a poetic side of a person that emits nothing but originality.
This Genie thing is sorta cool. As much talk as there is about funky wizards, retarded witches, boring vampires, and so on, you bring a new original flavor to something not many of us cared about since the release of Alladin. I love your writing and if you keep this up, I might actually be a crazy fan of yours lol. GOOD READ
1/17/2009 c3 Sheepie
Review three. I'm SO sorry it took so long. I'll give you the last two reviews once the picture is done. And I promise it won't take this long. Once again SO sorry.
I like this story. It's fun. There's a lot of interesting things to it. You rarely see genie stories out there.
There aren't a lot of mistakes to the story. The same things I've said before apply to this chapter. I think my only real issues that I had with this story are when you used Arabic words. I've never be fond of seeing that in a story, because it's rarely done. Usually it's just described. But there are those occasions in stories like The Da Vinci Code, so I guess that's a more personal preference.
Other then that it's mostly just your basic grammatical and spelling errors occasionally mixed in. Good job!
Review three. I'm SO sorry it took so long. I'll give you the last two reviews once the picture is done. And I promise it won't take this long. Once again SO sorry.
I like this story. It's fun. There's a lot of interesting things to it. You rarely see genie stories out there.
There aren't a lot of mistakes to the story. The same things I've said before apply to this chapter. I think my only real issues that I had with this story are when you used Arabic words. I've never be fond of seeing that in a story, because it's rarely done. Usually it's just described. But there are those occasions in stories like The Da Vinci Code, so I guess that's a more personal preference.
Other then that it's mostly just your basic grammatical and spelling errors occasionally mixed in. Good job!
12/24/2008 c1 Sheepie
Here's my second review!
I liked this story. It's cute so far. A lot of the emotions that come out of it are very realistic and believable. Aliya's reaction to everything was plausible.
My only complaints really are the beginning half and then how you switched POV. That's more of a personal thing, but I feel it takes away from the story. You rarely (if at all) see books out there that swap around points of view, even if it's only briefly. My there's another way to tie in what the beginning was?
Also the other thing, which I believe I touched on with my first review, is detail. What does Aliya look like? What does her aunt or parents look like? What's her room like? Little details really help paint the picture and help emphasis the emotions the character feels sometimes. A little more would be really nice!
Other then that the story was great. I'll get your other reviews to you after the holiday season gradually. Lots of work right now, but I do promise you'll get the last three! :D
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Here's my second review!
I liked this story. It's cute so far. A lot of the emotions that come out of it are very realistic and believable. Aliya's reaction to everything was plausible.
My only complaints really are the beginning half and then how you switched POV. That's more of a personal thing, but I feel it takes away from the story. You rarely (if at all) see books out there that swap around points of view, even if it's only briefly. My there's another way to tie in what the beginning was?
Also the other thing, which I believe I touched on with my first review, is detail. What does Aliya look like? What does her aunt or parents look like? What's her room like? Little details really help paint the picture and help emphasis the emotions the character feels sometimes. A little more would be really nice!
Other then that the story was great. I'll get your other reviews to you after the holiday season gradually. Lots of work right now, but I do promise you'll get the last three! :D
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
12/9/2008 c4 Sophronia Lee
Review #3
Enjoyment- Good chapter. While it wasn't action packed, there were a few plot twists and fun little tidbits that kept it interesting. I liked the part with the harem costume (Question: Who the heck is Bahiya?)
Characters- In response to your author's note, I think Aliya is a little spoiled, but that's okay. And I like all the internal conflict; I feel like I can relate to Aliya.
Plot- Cantara, a bad guy? Oh boy! Plot twist! ^_^ However, I am confused about the school. I thought she trained at home for one year, then went to genie school? And is her school a boarding school or just day-long?
Other- The part awbout belly dancing made me giggle, but I wonder why it's important for genies to learn that, or any of their other courses. I think some explanation is in order.
Review #3
Enjoyment- Good chapter. While it wasn't action packed, there were a few plot twists and fun little tidbits that kept it interesting. I liked the part with the harem costume (Question: Who the heck is Bahiya?)
Characters- In response to your author's note, I think Aliya is a little spoiled, but that's okay. And I like all the internal conflict; I feel like I can relate to Aliya.
Plot- Cantara, a bad guy? Oh boy! Plot twist! ^_^ However, I am confused about the school. I thought she trained at home for one year, then went to genie school? And is her school a boarding school or just day-long?
Other- The part awbout belly dancing made me giggle, but I wonder why it's important for genies to learn that, or any of their other courses. I think some explanation is in order.
12/9/2008 c3 Sophronia Lee
Review #2
Pace- Again, we're going just a little too fast here. Only last chapter, she was bemoaning her fate, but now she seems to be embracing it, which, in itself isn't bad, but it happens too quickly.
Technique- Let me be frank: I hate how you wrote about a song in the middle of the chapter. It didn't really add anything; in fact, it distracted from the plot.
Characters- Aliya has her good points and she has her bad points; on that, I commend you. So many authors (myself included :P) give their characters only good or bad traits, but you have a nice mix of both. I like Cantara; she reminds me of my mom. ^_^
Grammar/Punctuation- Still a lot of grammatical errors. A lot. One thing I noticed is that you have so many commas floating around without a purpose. When separating a comma using a sentence (ie, Dan likes cats, and Sue likes dogs) only use a comma if the second half of the sentence can stand on its own. "I flipped it open, and saw the photo of my caller appear on the screen." There doesn't need to be a comma in that sentence because "saw the photo of my caller appear on the screen" is only a sentence fragment. Again, I'm not completely sure about grammar rules in Austrailia, though, so I may be wrong.
Review #2
Pace- Again, we're going just a little too fast here. Only last chapter, she was bemoaning her fate, but now she seems to be embracing it, which, in itself isn't bad, but it happens too quickly.
Technique- Let me be frank: I hate how you wrote about a song in the middle of the chapter. It didn't really add anything; in fact, it distracted from the plot.
Characters- Aliya has her good points and she has her bad points; on that, I commend you. So many authors (myself included :P) give their characters only good or bad traits, but you have a nice mix of both. I like Cantara; she reminds me of my mom. ^_^
Grammar/Punctuation- Still a lot of grammatical errors. A lot. One thing I noticed is that you have so many commas floating around without a purpose. When separating a comma using a sentence (ie, Dan likes cats, and Sue likes dogs) only use a comma if the second half of the sentence can stand on its own. "I flipped it open, and saw the photo of my caller appear on the screen." There doesn't need to be a comma in that sentence because "saw the photo of my caller appear on the screen" is only a sentence fragment. Again, I'm not completely sure about grammar rules in Austrailia, though, so I may be wrong.
12/9/2008 c2 Sophronia Lee
Review #1
Opening: The opening was great; it was exciting and very well written. Good job on sensory detail! My only complaint is that you used ellipses (...) way too many times. And it was confusing, but I'm sure it was supposed to be, and all shall be revealed in time. Right?
Writing Style- You are gifted with a very descriptive, very natural writing voice. While you spend enough time on the descriptions, you don't drag them out forever. Good job! The only thing I can point out is, some of your sentences are worded a bit awkwardly; ie: "I threw myself up woulds so that i was sitting, and i wheezed heavily, still with my eyes closed." That's confusing.
Pace- The pace is a bit too fast. You know how in cartoons, they enphasize the stages of grief? (Denial, depression, and acceptance) You barely glanced over denial. I know that if I were told I was a magical being and was to be lifted from my life of normalcy to something completely alien to me, I would not believe it in the slightest.
Grammar/Spelling- While there weren't as many spelling errors here than in the last chapter, there was a lot of grammatical errors. First off, the word "I" is a proper noun and should therefore be capitolized every time you use it. I'm not really sure about sentence structure in Australia, so I would reccommend you find yourself a beta.
Review #1
Opening: The opening was great; it was exciting and very well written. Good job on sensory detail! My only complaint is that you used ellipses (...) way too many times. And it was confusing, but I'm sure it was supposed to be, and all shall be revealed in time. Right?
Writing Style- You are gifted with a very descriptive, very natural writing voice. While you spend enough time on the descriptions, you don't drag them out forever. Good job! The only thing I can point out is, some of your sentences are worded a bit awkwardly; ie: "I threw myself up woulds so that i was sitting, and i wheezed heavily, still with my eyes closed." That's confusing.
Pace- The pace is a bit too fast. You know how in cartoons, they enphasize the stages of grief? (Denial, depression, and acceptance) You barely glanced over denial. I know that if I were told I was a magical being and was to be lifted from my life of normalcy to something completely alien to me, I would not believe it in the slightest.
Grammar/Spelling- While there weren't as many spelling errors here than in the last chapter, there was a lot of grammatical errors. First off, the word "I" is a proper noun and should therefore be capitolized every time you use it. I'm not really sure about sentence structure in Australia, so I would reccommend you find yourself a beta.