7/25/2008 c1 4Javier de Palacios
Again, great story. These short 'exercises' are a amazing but you should concentrate in uniting your ideas and stories to tell longer, better, lovelier and more confusing stories.

These kind of twist of events reminds the reader not to assume, not to overlook details and to look deeper into things apparently obvious and usual.

-A suggestion, try changing this:

'“Happy birthday.” I jumped. I had totally zoned out in the middle of the library. But I didn’t jump because someone had spoke, it was because of who that someone happened to be.

“How did you—” He laughed musically.

“Jenna told me,” Grr, loud mouthed bit— “Sixteen, eh?”

“Actually, I’m seventeen.” He smiled.

“I know, I just wanted to see if you would actually continue the conversation long enough to correct me.” I scowled.

“Well, conversation over.” I turned to walk away, but felt someone grab my wrist lightly. I growled and tried to pull away, but his grip was firm. “What is your deal?” I snarled.

“Sorry,” he let go, “it’s just…I dunno.” I halfway grinned. Pretty boy was struggling for words. How cute. How…satisfying. I walked away without a word. And he just stood there, mouth gaping, unable to do a thing.'

-to this:

'“Happy birthday.”

I jumped. I had totally zoned out in the middle of the library. But I didn’t jump because someone had spoke, it was because of who that someone happened to be. “How did you—”

He laughed musically. “Jenna told me,” Grr, loud mouthed bit— “Sixteen, eh?”

“Actually, I’m seventeen.”

He smiled. “I know, I just wanted to see if you would actually continue the conversation long enough to correct me.”

I scowled. “Well, conversation over.” I turned to walk away, but felt someone grab my wrist lightly. I growled and tried to pull away, but his grip was firm. “What is your deal?” I snarled.

“Sorry,” he let go, “it’s just…I dunno.” I halfway grinned. Pretty boy was struggling for words. How cute. How…satisfying. I walked away without a word. And he just stood there, mouth gaping, unable to do a thing.'

The way you have it confuses the reader (who's saying and doing what) if he's not reading carefully. If it sounds better, try to associate people's actions and words together and separated from other character's. If you like better your way, because its your voice and desired style, then disregard the suggestion.

6/21/2008 c1 5Rose Warne
Oh, wow. That was quite a satisfying and unexpected twist at the end. I... I really like this. Deeply emotional. I'd give you a cookie, but I think I'm all out.

I like it.

6/20/2008 c1 7Silencia
This is beautiful, I really like it!