for Room For Squares Series6/23/2008 c3 
10close enough to speak
here is your story edited - the other two were fine but this one's a bit sloppy (on the surface only, of course).
“Alice Kensington, like the park in London,” she smiled at him.
“I’ve been there, loads of naked boy statues,” he nodded in return.
She bit her lip and looked out the window.
“Fuck it,” he said, grabbing her hand and leading her to the bathroom. She struggled.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Breaking the ice,” he said.
Slumped against the door, she sighed into his ear, “Well anyways…”
He laughed, helping her down from the place around his waist.
“That was good,” he said.
“That was wrong.” She frowned straightening her dress.
“But you enjoyed it.”
Problem number one: they smile at each other THREE times, when they should be talking. you do this all the time, it drives me nuts. just use 'said', there's nothing wrong with it.
otherwise... i really like the opening, but i think the close is too abrupt. i think she should be a little more interested in the bathroom scene, at least before, or it's a bit bizarre. I do like the "breaking the ice" line, but i think you should put something else in the "she bit her lip" line. i understood it once i noticed that it was lyrics, but otherwise it's choppy, as if you just inserted it in.
the idea is good, though, and i do like the characters. just needs a smidgen of fine-tuning!
good stories so far, i really enjoy these. i hope you're planning on completing the cd, and may i suggest that continuum is absolutely asking to be written.
10close enough to speakhere is your story edited - the other two were fine but this one's a bit sloppy (on the surface only, of course).
“Alice Kensington, like the park in London,” she smiled at him.
“I’ve been there, loads of naked boy statues,” he nodded in return.
She bit her lip and looked out the window.
“Fuck it,” he said, grabbing her hand and leading her to the bathroom. She struggled.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Breaking the ice,” he said.
Slumped against the door, she sighed into his ear, “Well anyways…”
He laughed, helping her down from the place around his waist.
“That was good,” he said.
“That was wrong.” She frowned straightening her dress.
“But you enjoyed it.”
Problem number one: they smile at each other THREE times, when they should be talking. you do this all the time, it drives me nuts. just use 'said', there's nothing wrong with it.
otherwise... i really like the opening, but i think the close is too abrupt. i think she should be a little more interested in the bathroom scene, at least before, or it's a bit bizarre. I do like the "breaking the ice" line, but i think you should put something else in the "she bit her lip" line. i understood it once i noticed that it was lyrics, but otherwise it's choppy, as if you just inserted it in.
the idea is good, though, and i do like the characters. just needs a smidgen of fine-tuning!
good stories so far, i really enjoy these. i hope you're planning on completing the cd, and may i suggest that continuum is absolutely asking to be written.
6/23/2008 c2 close enough to speak
i don't like this one, but i think it's because i find this situation to be so harsh. it happens so easily and is so tempting, when working those kind of hours don't even make sense if you stand back for a second and look at the situation. the end depresses me because it's so hopeless. but if that's the point you were making, you sure made it.
i don't like this one, but i think it's because i find this situation to be so harsh. it happens so easily and is so tempting, when working those kind of hours don't even make sense if you stand back for a second and look at the situation. the end depresses me because it's so hopeless. but if that's the point you were making, you sure made it.
6/23/2008 c1 close enough to speak
:( how sad. i very much like how he tries to remedy that and is stopped by 'the wall' between them.
:( how sad. i very much like how he tries to remedy that and is stopped by 'the wall' between them.