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10/4/2009 c7 24fairies and snapple
I really like this story! I love your style of writing, like, very dry and ironic. Also- Steve is such a great character. You just get the sense that even though he screws up, he tries very hard, and really is a good person. Please update soon!
9/11/2009 c7 Brenda Agaro
I like the character interaction in this chapter. I can see the plot moving forward with the circus and the web.

Realistic and intriguing as always. I look forward to the next chapter when you're able to. :-)

-*-

Corrections/Feedback:

{She wasn’t doing anything particularly out of the ordinary; the sunlight wasn’t shining down on her in such a way that might put him in mind of a halo effect; she was wearing the same school uniform he’d seen her wearing for the last five years and her hair was stilled pulled back in her customary ponytail.} I could be wrong, but "stilled" should be "still."

{“I’d say eighty per cent.”} "per cent" should be "percent" (correct me if I'm wrong.)

{“Well,” she said at last, her voice deceptively lightly, “if he hadn’t cheated on you, perhaps he might be here to dispel his infinite wisdom on the subject.”} "deceptively lightly" confused me. Maybe "deceptively light"?

{And that made her a puzzle, a frustrating puzzle: the sort of puzzle where all the pieces were accounted for yet somehow didn’t fit.} I believe there should be a comma after "accounted for."
9/11/2009 c6 Brenda Agaro
I like how you executed what happened in chapter four. Great job on the showing. The dialogue was interesting, especially about religion, and I like the pacing. At first, I really thought that she did come back for her bracelet, but she didn't. Then again, she started to flirt with him, and then he woke - that's when I thought that it could be a dream. In the beginning of chapter five, I changed my mind, but then later on I found out that it was a dream after all (Steve's having a double dream, huh?). For you to execute that suspense and twist as a writer - you did a great on it. I'm impressed.



I like the characterization of the mother, and the way you described her as well. Good interaction between Steve and her.



Again, the word "look" has been repeated - more than a few times actually, especially in chapter four. Replace some of them with synonyms to strengthen the wording in the story.



At the beginning of chapter six, I like how you emphasize about what normal means to Angie. Good imagery and atmosphere. I like how the Angie, Karen, and Yvonne interacted. To me, it was realistic, and I can imagine that sort of situation happening.



-*-



Corrections/Feedback:



Chapter 4:



{It was the strangest thing; he could recall, with something approaching the borders of clarity, the events of the evening before the kiss, the caress, the smiling, half-open eyes… Everything afterwards had been a blur; the actual circus was nothing more than a dizzying swirl of lights and acrobats in leotards, although he could dimly recall a very pretty girl sitting next to them who had taken a suspiciously bright shine to Angie— although as she hadn’t really mentioned her since getting back to the hotel the blonde can’t have left much of an impression on his girlfriend.} I believe there should be a comma after "the hotel."

{The next evening Angie had turned up with a henna kit and encouraged him to doodle on the soft underside of her wrist, even though she knew that Steve found gripping nigh impossible.} I believe there should be a comma after "evening."

{In the foyer he leaned against a wall and inhaled, wondering how to proceed.} I believe there should be a comma after "foyer."

{And to make matters worse, when all was said and down, it really wasn’t an interesting story either; a Muslim boy had married a Jewish girl (this was in Lebanon), their daughter then married a, well, Catholic, actually (still Lebanon, although the coupled moved to France and instantly regretted it, as this occurred shortly before the outbreak of the Second World War), and their daughter was his mother, "…who attempts to find enlightenment whilst cooking kosher and prohibits the eating of bananas on Mondays. Really, that’s it."} I believe there should be a comma after "cooking kosher."

{Stupid question, he knew what he should do; he should go to the reception and ask the receptionist to contact Miss Cumberbatch and ask her to come down— better yet he should take the phone and speak to her directly, because quite frankly he didn’t trust an enterprising barman or indeed any of the Langford staff not to pocket the bracelet and feign ignorance of its whereabouts when she eventually reported its loss.} A comma after "better yet" and another after "barman."

Chapter 5:

{Steve stopped mid-thrust to stare at her in amazement, watching her quivering gradually subside as she returned to reality with more than a little reluctance.} "quivering gradually subside" sounds awkward. Correct me if I'm wrong - is "quivering" a term in this sentence?

{At any rate, Angie was granted her wish, although admittedly it occurred after a series of impromptu photo shoots the remaining guests— close friends and family, mostly— were wheedled into by the wedding photographer, a twenty-something man with blond hair and a winning smile.} I believe there should be a comma after "photo shoots."

{Her strong, thick eyebrows that had never known the cold, sterile caress of a tweezer, but they were well-shaped and thinned outwards, even if they weren’t fashionably trim.} I think "trim" should be "trimmed." (correct me if I'm wrong.)

{Steve leaned back and allowed The Doors carry him away even as he studied his ceiling and wondered if it was socially acceptable for a sexually-active fifteen-year-old to have a galaxy of glow-in-the-dark stars dotted above his bed.} A comma after "his ceiling."
9/3/2009 c3 Brenda Agaro
I'm liking this so far. Your imagery reminds me of Francesca Lia Block's writing. There were a few repetitions of describing the characters' appearances, but personally I don't see any major purple prose. I like the quirks you added to the main characters and the backstories you provided.

I'll definitely read up to the latest chapter and give you a more detailed review.

-*-

Corrections/Feedback:

Chapter 1:

{Everybody was looking at him, and how he wished that was an exaggeration! For even though Stephen Verne would be the first to admit that he enjoyed being the centre of attention, he knew that the only reason these eyes were on him was because his jeans were creased and his Nikes were scuffed and his hair was windblown and his belt was cheap and his glass was nearly finished and he needed more and why would anybody put a chair right where perfectly sober persons such as himself would trip over it…?} I believe there should be a comma after "were creased" or after "needed more."

{Nothing wrong with that; most relationships were built on such foundations, she was sure. And before they’d started dating, they’d been friends; so they already knew that they had some things in common, something resembling a history (platonic though it was), an emotional connection; they got on, they had fun, they did and felt everything a normal couple did and feel…} I believe there should be a comma after "platonic."

{Just hurry up and come. Let’s get this over and done with. Please Steve? Please?} I think "come" should be "cum."

Chapter 2:

The word "look" has been repeated a few times in this chapter. I can suggest finding a synonym for one of them to enhance the word choice.

{Six-thirty exactly, smiled the brunette.} I think there should be quotation marks for "Six-thirty exactly."

{Alright, so her nose might have been a little too flat for his liking— and the same could be said for her chest— but nobody was perfect.} "Alright" should be "All right."

{…Maybe Maybe this was further proof of his guilty overreaction; maybe he’d forget about her when he apologised properly.} I think one of the "Maybe" should be omitted.

Chapter 3:

{Rather, the Circus of Seasons— a supposedly dramatic, theatrical name that both teenagers agreed wafted of more than a little pretension and caused Steve to wonder why the Circus of Seasons didn’t just have it in French, like Cirque du Soleil (ignoring completely Angie’s reminder that Cirque du Soleil was Canadian and could get away with it)— took place in one of Guildford’s theatres.} A comma after "little pretension."

{“Same thing,” he shrugged, setting her tame orange juice down before her.} I think "tame" should be "tamed" (?).
7/2/2009 c5 5The Lucy Program
Your opening was awesome. Using the alliteration "feral, frenzied, frantic" really added to the force of the opening. It made me excited for the rest of the chapter. :)

"The kiss was gentle, lighter than a moth’s wing, warmer than the touch of the summer’s sun." Fabulous imagery. You should write poetry. The rest of your imagery is amazing as well, and I completely see, feel, hear, know what's happening. You leave no sensory details ignored.

I'm faving this.

Blessed Be,

TLP.
7/2/2009 c4 The Lucy Program
Very interesting chapter. I really liked the dialogue you had going on between Steve and the brunette. It was realistic, somewhat intellectual, and interesting.

I also liked Steve's thought process and how you delve into it. I get more in his head and understand what kind of person he is. :]
7/2/2009 c3 The Lucy Program
Your chapter ending was well done and a good cliffhanger. It's left me wanting to read more. :)

The way Angie and Steve interact with each other is realistic. I can tell Angie isn't really infatuated with Steve in the slightest, besides him feeling that way for her. A lot of girls date guys that are cute that they don't even like.

I liked the goldfish bits. :)
7/2/2009 c2 The Lucy Program
In your first paragraph after the intro dialogue, you said, "It boasted only two storeys", which should be 'stories'.

Your descriptions are good; with a few words you can paint the scene for me really well.

Your language has a tone similar to the classics, which gives it an elegant sort of feel that makes me feel smart when I read it. LOL. :)

Blessed Be,

TLP.
7/2/2009 c1 The Lucy Program
Lol the part where Steve mistook the girl at the beginning was funny XD

Your narration is really great. I love your style of writing; it's unique and fun and keeps it interesting. :)

Your characters are also nicely developed. You don't overdo on descriptions and you don't under-do (if that's a word). I can really grasp each character.

Blessed Be,

TLP.
6/9/2009 c7 28mikey magee
I loved the imagery and the wording of the chapter. I could truly see everything that happened. I also loved the narrator's sense of humor (a heavy falling silent thing)

M favorite part was the dialog. It all sounded natural and felt awkward (a good thing) at the same time.

I would suggest trying to merge some of your descriptions together so that they are not all on different lines though. I felt like I was reading a long poem

Nice work. Keep writing.
3/3/2009 c6 6concerto49
I've always wanted to write about the whole makeup process and a character's thoughts on it - nicely done - full of detail, emotions and reasoning. She does it in a nature and thoughtful way, not so much blinded and for the sake of applying makeup.

The idea of normal is made very ironic here - and she feels like she's questioning herself all the time. It builds anxiety as though it's not really normal. It's also very dramatic, which gives more life to this chapter.
2/18/2009 c6 4bringmayflowers
I really like this chapter. One of the sentences is a little awkward but I am sure you can fix it. (his wasn’t to say that…etc) I really like the way you talked about how Angie is normal and everything around her is normal. Then you go into talking about how Steve’s date was NOT normal. I loved it :)

I though the dialogue/scene between Steve and Angie was very realistic. I could see it happening in real life – the pauses, the talk, the way he’s almost embarrassed and she’s sarcastic.

In all I was really impressed by this. good job!
2/12/2009 c6 13John Beechem
The ellipses (...) are distracting. They're okay to use in dialogue in places where a person's speech would naturally pause. For straight narration, I find they're rather unnecessary.

For the scene where the girls are talking, could we possibly eliminate some of these characters? It seems a bit too much like talking heads. I'd just leave in those who are named. Important characters.

As for what I liked:

You're first section of Angie going through her routines and thinking about how "normal" they are is brilliant. It's very natural sounding narration, and my favorite section of the text.

The bus stop confession also worked very well as a scene. It's such a normal, innocuous spot for a confession. Very good dialogue.

Great job, overall.
2/11/2009 c6 9TuneOut
Dialog: I thought the dialogue was very natural and flowed well. The scene with Angie and Karen felt like it was something that would happen in real life. The grammar and punctuation helped also since it helped build the starting and stopping that always happens when you speak. It also fits the characters. They don't speak formally or like they're reciting lines from a persuasive essay.

Spelling/Grammar: I did not spot any typos or mistakes. Great job on that. I notice that you italicize a lot of words. When you do, the words fit and seem like they should be italicized which is great. I commend you. However, I worry that it might become a crux for you since you seem to use it often. I'm afraid that it might hinder your writing since you'll use it so much to get your point across when you could do it other ways.

Characters: I think Angie is well developed. I liked her conflicting thoughts about Steve's infidelity. I'm glad that her thoughts went the directon that they did.

Ending: I thought that it ended on a high note, writing wise at least. You were able to keep it absorbing and entertaining. All of the thoughts made you laugh and go along for the ride and wish you had more to read.

You're a good writer.
2/8/2009 c6 2abstow89
Like all the stories I've reviewed, the descriptions and grammar are excellent. I really like this trait because it heightens the mood of the story and makes it sound more realistic.

I've also noticed a lot of depth in this story...which is cool. This is probably the seventh story I've reviewed with an extreme amount of emoiton not just in the dialogue...which makes it even better. ...Kinda sucks for me actually...I only got one story with a massive amount of depth in it, and it's in the eyes of the bad guy.
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