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12/19/2010 c25 Michelle
YOU DID IT! congratulations! :D i really liked the ending. it was so cool to see henuki acting like a normal husband, and i liked the touch of the book not selling well. it was ironic.

okay, the book as a whole!

what you did really well: characterization. duh. malcom especially. i thought you captured his age well in the retelling, when he talked about his past he sounded old and unhappy. i also really like the contrast of this really powerful drow being a total layabout and basically a waste of space. and then finally doing something. the time gaps also allowed to to show some interesting things with the changes in henuki's character, which i also liked. i think that the three separate stages of the story were a unique and interesting way to handle immortal charries, and i really liked it. the dialogue was also strong, but you already knew that. ^^

what needs work: it's a first draft, so you know most of this already. i won't bother with standard editing stuff. i think some of the side characters, like mona and ian, could use some more fleshing out. next to malcom they look a little pale. also the events of the plot could use a little beefing up and streamlining. there are some readers who aren't super interested in characters, and they need something to follow too.

i love it, of course. :D it's so cool you wrote this whole thing! congratulations, again, and i can't wait to talk to you more about it! wo!

p.s. thanks for putting in the happy ending!
10/26/2010 c24 Michelle
Good job! I have to admit, I'm glad Malcom killed Prolance. He definitely deserved it, but it's interesting how it didn't solve any of Malcom's problems. I also like how you brought in some resemblance between Maria and Henuki here, with the stone expressions. There hasn't been much of that previously, except Malcom saying how they look alike. Nice chapter, and I don't think it's bad that it's short. There's been a lot of build up around this scene, so it's probably good to just come out and tell it.
9/25/2010 c21 xxSTARIFYxx
Wonderful! I'm glad I gave the story a chance. I didn't think it would be much at first, cause it was more like someone just telling about his life - boring history, you know? But it's addictive. The characters got distinct personality, and the story is well developed. (at least, i think it is) I like it. Good job!
9/24/2010 c23 Michelle
You're almost done! :D I like the resolution between Malcom and Henuki in this chapter. I miss friendly old Henuki sometimes. xD Not sure how I feel about Malcom's reaction to everything that's going on, maybe you just need to develop it more, maybe he's just in shock. But that's what rough drafts are for, eh? Can't wait to read the end!
8/29/2010 c22 Michelle
good job! dark, like you said, but the character development is fantastic! i love the arc you're bringing malcom through. the last line of this chapter fits very well, malcom finally acting instead of just slumping along. good job, it's over, and you're almost done! :D
7/2/2010 c21 Michelle
Great chapter! The editing definitely shows. Malcom is particularly well-handled in this section, I think. Only thing I'd say for now, when you said "He might have born a different illusion," you should have used 'borne' instead of 'born.' But good job! Can't wait for the next one! :D
6/20/2010 c20 5Kaggr
Hey, ten tries and I finally got my password right.

It's been a long time since I've read this...

I would have to say it's coming along nicely. :)

In any case, because I'm sure you'd like a little bit of input...

Aside from the grammar/word mistakes that may or may not be from a number of different things, there are a few other things that I think could make the story hit closer to the reader's heart.

For one, I'm afraid that Henuki's change of character happened a bit too fast. He went from stoic and blank and showing nothing to being too easily read. If you were interested in rewriting some of the chapters, as I know you're prone to do, it might be worth it to try to gradually add in Henuki's change into what could slightly be considered a person.

The second thing that really stuck out to me was the way you included Malcom's random thoughts to Ian in some of the earlier chapters. I think that, as the story goes on and continues to get more and more intense, perhaps you could display Malcom falling deeper into his past by recognizing Ian less. I think it already does that-but perhaps you can throw in a few more in the beginning to make it more prominent?

Also, I'm not sure if you plan on changing this or not, but it's very difficult to follow this story, with some of the chapters being Malcom's story, different parts of Malcom's story, the current time, etc. I understand that this is the sort of effect that you're trying to achieve, but perhaps spend a bit more time setting up each chapter instead of just plunging in. It's really hard to follow then, and because of that, I'm still trying to figure out what the basic plot line is...

I'm guessing the plot is building up to why Malcom is in jail?

I've just noticed in a few of your snippits that you've been trying to develop some of your characters, and unfortunately I don't really have any advice for you as far as those go. :( The only thing that really stuck out to me were the few things I mentioned earlier.

I really like how you've managed to relate all the characters together though! At some point it became obvious, despite how the characters didn't realize, but that's sort of fun. I really am dying to know what Morewan's problem with Henuki is. Does Malcom ever find out, anyway? And why on earth did he "hijack" Henuki/Henry's plane, and why is that a crime, if the two are so close anyway? Ooh, the questions...

Looking forward to the next chapter. :)
6/9/2010 c20 Michelle
Aw! ^_^
6/8/2010 c20 5Twisted Friction
Oh, this should be good. :D I have a feeling Malcom is about to get in trouble with, er, MONA. :]

This is all building up so nicely...I can't believe it's almost over! I might just have to go back and reread the whole thing again soon!

Keep it up!
6/8/2010 c19 Twisted Friction
I've been an avid reader of this story for a couple months now, but never seemed to review-actually, this might be the first Fictionpress story I've EVER reviwed. It's just THAT GOOD.

I felt so terrible for Henuki in this chapter! He's my favorite character and Malcom really reamed him. Though I know there's more to Henuki than meets the eye...

Malcom is a phenomenal character to "be around"...I love his way of telling the story. The whole structure you have here is unique and intriguing and I really can't wait for the eventual conclusion!

Also, congratulations on the TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY of having this story on Fictionpress. Keep up the AWESOME work!
6/7/2010 c19 Michelle
This one isn't as good as your last, but I still liked it. I liked the beginning. That was a good way to unfold the whole Prolance/Maria thing. The string of events gets a little confusing at the end, but otherwise, good job!
6/4/2010 c18 Michelle
great chapter! probably your best so far. the dialogue was tight and controlled and so were the characters. i think my favorite line was the description of rolling the unconscious people out the door. again, great job on the dialogue!
5/31/2010 c1 lili999
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1/4/2010 c17 Michelle
I pretty much agree with your first comments on this chapter. Cute and funny, but with problems in the writing. I liked the bit with Malcom fighting Henuki. The romance needs work, but that's one of the hardest things to write on the fly. You're getting close to done, good job! =)
12/13/2009 c16 Michelle
And I would be delighted to edit the section on Ian. ;)
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