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for End of the Clockwork World

11/12/2008 c46 2renegade jane
Just amazing!

I know it's been said before but this site has mountains of half finished, badly written or just boring stories and it takes a lot of sifting through to find a gem like this. I just love the ideas, your language, the descriptions, its wonderful. I think i'll leave the grammatical problems to your other reviewers who will do it better than me, though i will say the short paragraphs do irk me some.

I am shocked that you don't have more reviews and have to think its because a lot of people on this site write to be reviewed and dont bother to return the favour, (Not hinting; only want people who want to R&R to do so, not someone who feels compelled). I also think the title would throw a lot of people as well as the first few chapters. Also this Dark Tower type of story only appeals to a small number of people i'd guess.

If you ever finish this, check out and if you go that route put a note in your bio because i'm sure a lot of people would like a hard copy of this. Hope to see this finished one day. If you hsave any recommened reading on King Arthur that would be appreciated also. For some strange reason, i cant think of why, i've suddenly taken an interest

And Dark Tower, really? I couldnt choke down the first book let alone all 7! This is much more to my taste at least.
9/20/2008 c44 1Dhul Fiqar
This is information dumping. Not so good, though no doubt interesting for you. Where are the characters? Let me tell you something...

When reading the exchange between the Red Death and the Detective, I listen in awed interest, seeking to understand this world, hoping to glean secrets of the Clockwork through careful reading.

When you lay it all out on a plate, I'm not bothered. I think i know how the Detective feels...
9/20/2008 c42 Dhul Fiqar
Firstly, soemthign I forgot from the last section.

'Frankish game of bugger my peasants?' It has to go. REALLY. In makes me smile, whoich ruins the atmosphere. Even in the mout of a comic relief character, this would be crap. Honestly. No more chepa jokes please.

Oh, and this chapter- if you say 'these entities, these Agents,' one more time I will kill you. Alternate usage. Call them entities, Agents, ascendants, seers whatever you like, but don't list their titles. It does not add emphasis. It incites lethagia.
9/20/2008 c38 Dhul Fiqar
Ok, I;ve been reading this and not reviewing it and now I feel guilty. A few things- I'll leave you to judge the starting point for all this...

Why are Gileas and Lalaine in the tunnel, sorry? We don;t have any discussion about how answer's will be found down there or anything like that, we only suddenly decide to go to the tunnel. Bit more explanation please.

Oh and you go all sudden with the sex as well. Fine, keep it- it's important- but again a little more explanation. Pure need, random surge of passion due to proximity of death, whatever. On the other hand, it doesn't really fit- He;s just used a holy relic to dispel a dark creature...and then he commits sins of the flesh straight afterwards. Hm...

Maybe have him back to his room and have her seduce him? Then the paladin can arrest them in bed? I don;t know. It needs to happen, fine, but the moment desrves more than the few paragraphs you've given it- by more I mean more set-up not more dirty details. Also, I imagine you were deliberate in your use of the word 'fucked' but at the very least, Gileas should have some doubts about this...

And don;t gloss over the part where the Detective tells Valentine. Have some taunting. Have some piss off Agent of the Clockwork and then have Guliver collaborate the details. Make us feel the moment- you want people to feel sorry for Valentine and think Gileas a momentary idiot. Now I did feel that way, but it needs more impact. You have a nice, punchy style and save words, but DO NOT SKIMP ON STORY. Not ever.

Oh, and there's this...

"They'll have archers down there. Guys with stones, slings, whatever," Dirge insisted. "They'll cut us down before we've cleared the foot of the stair, just like we cleared them at the head of the stair. Suicide isn't going to help anyone. Especially not me."

"You surrender and suicide is what you'll be doing anyway," Dirge argued. "We stand here and fill this Frank's castle with blood until he and his poxy demon have no more boys to throw at us. Gileas would settle for nothing else."

Dirge seems to have become momentarily schizophrenic. Sloppy, my friend. Sloppy.

Right...I;ll give you another review later. Oh, and just because this was long and bitchy doesn't mean you should stop writing. These thing's I;ve mentioned should wait until the editing stage. Ignore them for now and keep writing...only when you've finish can you attack the errors and inconsistencies. You have to write it to know the story, right?

Oh, and before you think I don;t like this, I do. And don;t blame me for being critical...it's your own fault for calling my last review unbrideled praise... :)
8/22/2008 c35 Almeira
I'm back! lawl. Sorry about not reviewing in a while! I cant connect to the internet as often as i used to :(

I must admit as always your descriptions magical, I cant find any faults and neither can i complain so i must say, Well done! Its not often that we come across writer's with your calibre!

To reply to your question, i'd say i like the flair and charm you've given to Sin-Koon but i wouldnt particularly describe him as 'dashing', lawl.

Dirge, i find reminds me something of Tom Sawyer. lawl. He's got that american twist to him, mostly due to those awesome guns of his but also because of the way he speaks and thinks. lawl.

I'm assuming that the romance is going to blossom very slowly? There are subtle signs, its not too much which i must say i am pleased about, i really dont like all that over the top dramatic romance, simple quiet love really is more tasteful. :D

BTW you have moi eternal gratefulness for taking us out of Gulliver's mind, he, if i may put it simply, give me the creeps.
8/17/2008 c1 5Elodie West

And you left a positive review on *my* story? *What* did you *see* in it?

This story is, without question, among the best I have *ever* read on fictionpress. Original, gripping, and epic- in *all senses of the word*. The diction... syntax... the story flows magnificently. Ach... quite honestly, this is beautiful. Original ideas, interesting characters, *very* nice dialog...

... To someone who's seen almost nothing but crap work on this website, your writing is just... *insane*. Good work, good luck, *please keep going*... You give me faith in the writing community.
8/7/2008 c2 6Syndred H
I feel I should clarify this now that I'm awake (or at the least sufficiently caffienated).

'Epic' in this sense refers to the format and general themes of the piece as a work of literature, as opposed to the more modern meaning that I assume my anonymous correspondent. It in this case is used to imply a lengthy text involving one or more unifying themes or storylines (in this case the quest to Babel) that run throughout. It also implies the general theme of Good versus Evil, though I will admit this theme may be more ambigous in this case.

It is not me describing my own piece as being 'epic' in the sense of 'monumental and very, very good', which is a far more modern meaning.

Similarly, the use of 'fantastic' simply means it involves many fantasy nuances, and 'original' is simply to differentiate it from a work that might be more solidly grounded in Arthurian canon.

Interestingly, the faecetiously modest 'self-styled' tag that preceded the word 'epic' passed you by.

If I am arrogant, which I unquestionably am, it isn't in my summary. Though I appreciate you taking the time to review it.

Perhaps if my anonymous correspondent has any thoughts as to the chapters and story itself he can share them with me. If, that is, his original misapprehensions over the summary have not offended him to the degree that he will not delve any further that the title.

Thank-you for your time, though. If you want to talk further, please sign in or register and we'll use FictionPress' message system.

I hope that cleared things up. :]
8/5/2008 c1 Syndred H
I guess I'm just an epic kinda guy. :]
8/5/2008 c1 Epic


Your summary is basically this: "Epic Story. So Epic it matches the Epicness of the classics to become a fully fledges Epic World itself. A simple knight (omg how Epic) embarks upon an Epic quest that rivals the Epicness of those Epic ones before him."

Behind all the crap, it basically boils down to this: "Knight plus 8 goes from A to B(abel)."

That's too little information to pull many readers. It certainly hasn't convinced me. Try not to spend so much words inflating your own fic, and just describe the story with a little more detail and uniqueness.
8/4/2008 c1 Michelle
New reader here. You update several chapters at once, right? Because otherwise, I cannot begin to understand why you have so few reviews.

Anyways, I fell in love with the title of your storie months ago, but I hadn't had time to read it, and so it got lost on my bookmark for a while. Now I have time and am ready to read all, though it may take me some time.
8/1/2008 c4 7Justin Carlton
"...and from the run-down wooden strong-house..." - rundown can be made into one word, and the sentence would feel less run-on if you put a comma before "wooden"

"The other villagers followed suit. 'and of such opportune...'" - capitalize "and"

I especially like how you're blending elements from the classic Arthurian tales and playing them into your own work here. Nice chapter too, if a little short.
7/31/2008 c2 Justin Carlton
"'And now I here that the thane of Tintagel...' - hear

No real complaints. This is great writing.
7/31/2008 c1 Justin Carlton
My friend, it is horrible that you have not gotten more reviews. This story, even from the first chapter, is breathtaking - from your abrupt writing style and use of sentence fragments for emphasis to the scenery which is so very clear despite the lack of overwrought description. Excellent prose you have, and I really felt Gileas' pure desperation.

Beautiful writing, really.
7/30/2008 c1 1Dhul Fiqar
You know what? I loved this. Good mix of genre, keeps everything off balance. A brilliant world and you've got the whole questing epic bang on.

I do hate you for the prelude though. its good, well written, action packed and makes me want to read the rest of the story. Its also a mean way to start a fiction press entry as I will have toi wait ages to find out how they get to that point. Every chapter I read - I read all thirty in a day by the way- I get more upset that Gileas dies. And I would quite like Dirge if I hadn;t read the prelude. Sigh.

Very Dark Tower this. Gileas is a LOT like Roland- the old knight errant who can nonetheless surprise- when he has a go at the council (Fuck the Snakes) it reminds me of Roland of Gilead saying Fuck You to Blaine in the Waste Lands. A character who can surprise in a convincing way.

Not yet convinced about the archer's daughter... she seems a bit shallow compared to the other characters. And the telepath reminds me of the Dark Tower again- he's the viper in the group the Detta/Mia that Gileas must deal with.

And I love the detective. Please keep him alive- he is just the coolest character with his clockwork eyes. All in all this IS a fantasy phenomenon in the making. Keep it up. Publish it for real...
7/20/2008 c10 3Jenny Rocker
"the guard was bedecked with dragons and eagles, fighting in subtle engravings for dominance of the decor."-absolutely delicious description. Love it.

I liked the play between Gileas and the (nameless?) boy. Where Gileas thinks one thing but tries to be nice to the boy anyway: ""A knight should have a squire, shouldn't he?" Gileas lied". I see the resemblence between Gileas and Roland from Dark Tower . . . I will admit though, that I hope Gileas remains more likeable than Roland; I always thought Roland was a royal jerk. Never liked him in the least bit. Just my opinion. I don't dislike Gileas so far, though. He's a little stiff but compassionate, which lends some likeability.

Oh, and I LOVED the fight between Gileas and the "not-there" in the previous chapter, with the "not-there" blood, and everything. REALLY well handled. Perfect mixture of poetry & conciseness. If I was wearing a hat, I would take it off to you ;)
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