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2/15/2013 c47 3Let's See If It Moves
Ah, this was lovely. You evidently have a gift for writing poetry, hold onto it.

The Sheep has spoken.

12/27/2012 c28 229punctured.lungs

i can't tell you how much i'm feeling this right now and maybe that's because i don't sleep enough or because i'm torn between staying and leaving, but i just. this poem, i'm telling you. this is everything i'm trying to get on paper these days.
12/27/2012 c25 punctured.lungs
12/27/2012 c3 punctured.lungs
asdfasdf. i just love how you write. i feel like i find myself in every word you write.
9/26/2012 c16 75thewhimsicalbard
[RG - Poems - Depth]

TONE: The tone and rhythm of this piece are quite closely related. Your piece had a tone that was very "musical". I could compose music that would go behind the words in this piece, especially the fourth line. I don't think I've ever seen musical sound so masterfully integrated into a poem, at least not on this site.

RHYTHM: As I said, the rhythm and tone were closely related. I absolutely adored what the fourth line did to the rhythm. It was a little ambiguous at first (see FLOW below this), but once that fourth line hit, I knew EXACTLY how I was supposed to read the poem, and then, as I mentioned above, it sounded fantastic. i ex-IST, i ex-IST, i ex-IST! It was just so... right. I live for moments like that. I'm really digging that line. It works so well!

FLOW: This was the only thing I didn't like. The first reading of this poem was really clunky, mostly due to the lack of clues to your reader in the first three lines as to how the poem was supposed to flow. However, on the second reading, that totally disappeared. I like that the poem works so well when the reader understands how it is supposed to flow, but that kind of ruins the punch on the first reading. I'm not sure how you would go about fixing that in such a short poem, but I think it would be a worthwhile effort.

FORM: The short, one-line stanzas give this poem a structure that makes it look like a house, which is appropriate, given the title of the poem. It even closes off at the top, like it has a roof! I'm going to say that you did that on purpose, because it adds a visual element to the poem that wouldn't be there if you had just used (shift enter) single-line breaks. That adds another layer to a very short poem; essentially, very efficient use of FP's disgustingly limited formatting to create meaning with minimal language.

Brought to you with love from the Review Game, courtesy of your friend Anihyr Moonstar.

9/22/2012 c45 105a theoretic revolution
this chapter and the one before it is just agh, i can't think of anything to say, ha. your words are really just too good.
9/15/2012 c23 19Anihyr Moonstar
I've re-read this poem twice now trying to figure out how to review it properly without making it sound like more gushy blather. I really do like it, though - different sections of it for different reasons. It's the kind of poem that makes me look back on my life and wish I'd kept a journal so I'd have a better record of who I used to be because memory is so fragile.

I like how it starts basic and straight forward, putting out a solid picture of all the physical aspects before moving on to all the other things that make a person (in this case the narrator) who they are. Each stanza adds another aspect to this person and their past.

These are some of my favorite sections - [twenty years of mornings ... i never went to sleep] - [the lines of what i did / smudge with / should have dones / in the margins.] - and the bit right after that - [i set aside time to write a poem / but only type / "i'm tired / in a way / i don't have words for."]

That middle one is probably the one that stands out most to me. I feel like if life were a journal - written and smudged and worn and loved - that's what it would be like, the main text talking of what's going on and in the margins all these little sidenotes of things that could have or ought to have or might have happened but never did. Very nicely handled and lyrically worded.

- Moonstar, Courtesy of the Review Game's Review Marathon - link in my profile
9/14/2012 c22 Anihyr Moonstar
[but whatever's inside me is the wrong shape for words.] I want to save this line forever and cradle it close. I've had that thought *so* many times (though never did it sound quite so eloquent). What is it that turns are thoughts into words? And what to do when there just *aren't* the right words for the things you want so desperately to shove onto paper? It's the weakness of language - *any* language - because all a language can attempt to do is give a skeleton set of rules for putting different things into voice so they can be communicated, but it's sloppy because raw thought and feeling don't lend themselves to those kind of boundaries.

Um. I'm ranting again, sorry. I really just loved that line. I think you did a great job of summing up that whole inability to find the right words - the desire to express the inexpressible.

I like the whole idea of this piece, though, too (for similar reasons to those I just laid out). I can really relate to it, and I think you did a great job putting depth of meaning into a fairly simple structure.

- Moonstar
9/14/2012 c21 Anihyr Moonstar
Nice opening stanza. I can relate to that idea - having plenty up there, but nothing I can catch fast enough to pin down and force onto paper. It's a very frustrating feeling, by I think you capture it well.

This, too - [walk through the blue winds / as streetlights bleach the sky / of stars]. I don't think I've ever heard it put exactly that way ("bleaching" the sky of its stars), but its a perfect metaphor (or...description, now that I think of it, I'm not actually sure that is a metaphor). In any case, it always feels unfair to me to look up at the sky and barely be able to see the stars through the foggy haze provided by a modern setting. Few things compare to the beauty of an untainted starry night sky, and you handle the imagery really well there.

Hope you don't mind I'm shamelessly using this piece to dump a pile of my reviews for this marathon - I really do enjoy your poetry, so it's a win win for me: lots of chapters to review, engaging stuff to read as I go along.

- Moonstar
9/14/2012 c20 Anihyr Moonstar
Uff. Now *this* see...this is one of those ones that I really do read and think, "Damn..." (in a good way), because despite its brevity, each word really is packed with meaning all its own. I think the "humanizing" aspect of it (giving the buildings the ability to do two things - "cry" and "speak" - which are only 'human' abilities) is a large part of what makes it emotionally powerful. It makes these inanimate things (buildings) into something with feelings, that we can reach out for or sympathize with.

I also like the meaning behind the inability to "fully understand", because it absolutely applies to any grand scale tragedy. We simply can't fully *empathize* will all the countless lives lost and effected. We can feel sadness, and sympathy, but we're just incapable of feeling it and understanding it to its true extent. It's kind of like looking up at the stars and trying to make your brain imagine all at once how impossibly massive the universe is. You just can't.

- Moonstar
9/14/2012 c19 Anihyr Moonstar
Ahaha, awesome. I love this - it totally brings back memories of my study abroad experiences (though I went to China). This opening line was great - [and the / humidity / makes a wool blanket of my hair.] I laughed out loud when I read it because I can totally relate. My hair used to be past my waist in length, and when it got humid outside...nightmare. Uck.

It was the part about only understanding an eight of the conversation though that really made me nostalgic, though. It's comforting, too - to know that I'm not the only one who studies my foreign language for hours and hours and hours and exhausts myself dry only to get to the foreign country and feel like yes, I have enough conversational skills to get by, but I'm still so very, very out of place.

I enjoyed it. :)

- Moonstar
9/14/2012 c18 Anihyr Moonstar
For all that it doesn't "look" like poetry, it certainly reads like it. I love the depth that you manage to put in one line - it manages to speak volumes despite being just a single sentence. I also like that it invites the reader to think - to wonder about who this "you" is (and if they're still around). It forces the reader to imagine everything about the scenario since it's not given.

And, obviously, a nice twist on the traditional gushy and/or heartbroken love poem with lots of blood and roses wound in.

- Moonstar
9/14/2012 c17 Anihyr Moonstar
I like the variety of images presented in this. It feels kind of like looking into a fragmented mirror - different shades and different scenarios pictured in each one. Really brings out that feeling of conflict/split between identities.

I also really like just these lines in particular [you don't want to be / led, leading, leaden, / stiff and sinking.] A great play on the multiple meanings of the word (first the verb, led/leading, but then morphing into the adjective "leaden"). Very neat, but I'm a sucker for that kind of thing. :)

- Moonstar
9/14/2012 c16 Anihyr Moonstar
I like the simplicity of this. It's neat and to the point. And for once, I don't mind the "alternative" formatting of the word at the end. In this case, I think it works. The neat separation really emphasizes the sense of shaking and the "power" that the voice of the music will have. Nice.

- Moonstar
9/14/2012 c15 Anihyr Moonstar
Great opening lines - the first four, really. I've always liked that conundrum - how do you know you're trapped if you've *always* been that way? How can you recognize anything as different or bad or subject it to judgement when you have nothing to compare it to? All our perceptions are based on comparisons - past experience - "good" is only "better than how it's been in the past", and thus is very, very subject to opinion and perspective. And I think your opening really expresses that concept well.

And this simile is kicka** - [reading the same page over and / over as words drift / like fish that won't / bite.] I hate that feeling - staring at words on a page and watching them swim, or trailing my eyes over the sentences only to have them ghost by without ever making an imprint. The simile really captures that feeling perfectly in an inventive way. Awesome job.

- Moonstar, Courtesy of the Review Game's Review Marathon - link in my profile
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