for The Death of the Dark Lord Thirilight8/27/2009 c12 
19sugaplumprincess
"your second cousin once removed,... has need of a long-term healer." Yes! I laughed so hard when I got to this part. Wont's she be surprised when she arrives at the overlord's castle! And I guess since Sangra's on a mission to kill him she'll run into Laurelie soon enough.
Also, great imagery here, the descriptions of the woods and the cottage were really good, and so picturesque until the shouting started. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
19sugaplumprincess"your second cousin once removed,... has need of a long-term healer." Yes! I laughed so hard when I got to this part. Wont's she be surprised when she arrives at the overlord's castle! And I guess since Sangra's on a mission to kill him she'll run into Laurelie soon enough.
Also, great imagery here, the descriptions of the woods and the cottage were really good, and so picturesque until the shouting started. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
8/27/2009 c12 7Gracefulfire
a good, if not short, chapter. I like how much of Sangra and Laurelie's friendship you show in so little text.
I am a bit confused about the broom. If Sangra isn't worried about it, does that mean that it's a normal way to travel for magic people?
7Gracefulfirea good, if not short, chapter. I like how much of Sangra and Laurelie's friendship you show in so little text.
I am a bit confused about the broom. If Sangra isn't worried about it, does that mean that it's a normal way to travel for magic people?
8/12/2009 c11 19sugaplumprincess
I'm okay with 12 pg long chapters... but then I'm always impatient to read more. Good chapter, I liked Thirilight's bickering with Wordy. She's a bit mischievous for a 'good' sword, i would blame Thirry, except she's probably more devious than him. And his stuffed animals! It's hilarious that he keeps them all, but given the way he's always filling his pockets with stuff I'm surprised he even has second thoughts about the bunny. I can't wait till they get on the road, it should be pretty entertaining!
19sugaplumprincessI'm okay with 12 pg long chapters... but then I'm always impatient to read more. Good chapter, I liked Thirilight's bickering with Wordy. She's a bit mischievous for a 'good' sword, i would blame Thirry, except she's probably more devious than him. And his stuffed animals! It's hilarious that he keeps them all, but given the way he's always filling his pockets with stuff I'm surprised he even has second thoughts about the bunny. I can't wait till they get on the road, it should be pretty entertaining!
8/7/2009 c11 QueenOfTheFaeries
Salth is a git, and I completely love Thirry and Wordy. I really can't wait to see where this is going.
Salth is a git, and I completely love Thirry and Wordy. I really can't wait to see where this is going.
8/7/2009 c11 7Gracefulfire
As I have reached the end of what is currently up, I feel That I should give what I think so far (so many Is):
Thirry is a delight to read. I am disappointed that you are no longer writing in first person for him, but if you feel that it will make the story stronger overall, go for it. Just remember to keep the humor please.
While the storyworld it is placed in is not very clear, it seems to be a well thought out cliche ruled world on the brink of losing its click. Quite well done.
I am quite interested to see how this story goes and weather our protagonist will swerve to good, evil, or walk the path somewhere in between.
Good show
P.S. Salth is a... I cannot find the proper word, so jerk.
7GracefulfireAs I have reached the end of what is currently up, I feel That I should give what I think so far (so many Is):
Thirry is a delight to read. I am disappointed that you are no longer writing in first person for him, but if you feel that it will make the story stronger overall, go for it. Just remember to keep the humor please.
While the storyworld it is placed in is not very clear, it seems to be a well thought out cliche ruled world on the brink of losing its click. Quite well done.
I am quite interested to see how this story goes and weather our protagonist will swerve to good, evil, or walk the path somewhere in between.
Good show
P.S. Salth is a... I cannot find the proper word, so jerk.
8/6/2009 c4 Gracefulfire
Hehehe, loved this chapter. Just how old is our hero, er, villain? He sounds late teens to early 20's, but that's just my guess.
Hehehe, loved this chapter. Just how old is our hero, er, villain? He sounds late teens to early 20's, but that's just my guess.
8/6/2009 c2 Gracefulfire
Thirry amuses me greatly. I am not sure why he is evil, but he is quite the little death victim.
Thirry amuses me greatly. I am not sure why he is evil, but he is quite the little death victim.
6/15/2009 c10 9isthiswalrus
haha I know how you feel to finally be finished with a stubborn chapter. But I still think you did a pretty good job! :)
9isthiswalrushaha I know how you feel to finally be finished with a stubborn chapter. But I still think you did a pretty good job! :)
6/10/2009 c10 19sugaplumprincess
Haha so Thirry and Laurelie are cousins! Though somehow Laurelie doesn't know about her family's darker connections. And silly Sangra has decided to take things into her own hands, though she seems to have forgotten just how easily she was already defeated. I really like Mortimer more and more, he's so not good, with his lying and stealing, it's excellent. Oh, and I hope someone will corrupt/drop a large rock on Salth at some point. Or mace him over the edge of a cliff since that's Morty's MO. Good chapter!
19sugaplumprincessHaha so Thirry and Laurelie are cousins! Though somehow Laurelie doesn't know about her family's darker connections. And silly Sangra has decided to take things into her own hands, though she seems to have forgotten just how easily she was already defeated. I really like Mortimer more and more, he's so not good, with his lying and stealing, it's excellent. Oh, and I hope someone will corrupt/drop a large rock on Salth at some point. Or mace him over the edge of a cliff since that's Morty's MO. Good chapter!
5/28/2009 c6 Ersa Crayold
Multichap Depth Review #6
Grammar: "...clean, honest work, no one would hire them" you don't need a comma there after clean.
"'He does,' Mortimer says haltingly, tugging at a loose strand of hair, 'but I had always attributed it to experience and skill. You're saying he has other means to detect the truth?'"
This is just my opinion but I feel like the last sentence should be separated so that the entire line is:
"'He does, but I had always attributed it to experience and skill.' Mortimer says haltingly, tugging at a loose strand of hair, 'You're saying he has other means to detect the truth?'"
Scene: The entire profiling lesson reminded me of a scene in the BBC show Hustle, just on an odd note. This entire chapter was very creative and original. I really liked how Sangra figured out who Thirry was and she attacked him. It was very humorous.
Writing: I like how brief your paragraphs are. They are straight to the point and doesn't make the reader bored.
Ending: I like your ending. It ends shortly with a sort of foreshadowing (though I could be wrong) to the future.
Multichap Depth Review #6
Grammar: "...clean, honest work, no one would hire them" you don't need a comma there after clean.
"'He does,' Mortimer says haltingly, tugging at a loose strand of hair, 'but I had always attributed it to experience and skill. You're saying he has other means to detect the truth?'"
This is just my opinion but I feel like the last sentence should be separated so that the entire line is:
"'He does, but I had always attributed it to experience and skill.' Mortimer says haltingly, tugging at a loose strand of hair, 'You're saying he has other means to detect the truth?'"
Scene: The entire profiling lesson reminded me of a scene in the BBC show Hustle, just on an odd note. This entire chapter was very creative and original. I really liked how Sangra figured out who Thirry was and she attacked him. It was very humorous.
Writing: I like how brief your paragraphs are. They are straight to the point and doesn't make the reader bored.
Ending: I like your ending. It ends shortly with a sort of foreshadowing (though I could be wrong) to the future.
5/27/2009 c9 sugaplumprincess
Thirry reminded me of Sir Robin when he was unconscious, especially when he attempted to run away from the bright light in his head. Now that he's been conscious (off and on) for a while I stopped thinking of him that way, and I wish he was conscious more often since he's almost as entertaining as his grandparents, especially when dealing with the heroes.
I thoroughly approve of the switch to 3rd person, shifting viewpoints can get jarring after awhile, especially when they're in the same chapter.
Thirry reminded me of Sir Robin when he was unconscious, especially when he attempted to run away from the bright light in his head. Now that he's been conscious (off and on) for a while I stopped thinking of him that way, and I wish he was conscious more often since he's almost as entertaining as his grandparents, especially when dealing with the heroes.
I thoroughly approve of the switch to 3rd person, shifting viewpoints can get jarring after awhile, especially when they're in the same chapter.
5/27/2009 c5 Ersa Crayold
Review Game Multichap Depth #5
Writing = The letters are very realistic. They had just the right amount of formality while leaving the reader intrigued for more, such as the sentence: "We currently are in possession of enough socks to supply the entire army." Obviously I'm wondering why in the world would the writer include socks into the story.
Ending: From the ending letters I predict that the sock will be used to poison the army, just to get that out there. I'm also wondering as to how Sir Mortimer will play into the plot later on.
Characters = Just on a random note, I liked the names of the characters, especially Carl of Caeldon. It reminds me of Lord of the Rings with the references that have similar consonants. Also, I felt that you portrayed the characters extremely well in this brief chapter.
Grammar = Your writing is very good in this chapter. I could find nothing wrong.
Review Game Multichap Depth #5
Writing = The letters are very realistic. They had just the right amount of formality while leaving the reader intrigued for more, such as the sentence: "We currently are in possession of enough socks to supply the entire army." Obviously I'm wondering why in the world would the writer include socks into the story.
Ending: From the ending letters I predict that the sock will be used to poison the army, just to get that out there. I'm also wondering as to how Sir Mortimer will play into the plot later on.
Characters = Just on a random note, I liked the names of the characters, especially Carl of Caeldon. It reminds me of Lord of the Rings with the references that have similar consonants. Also, I felt that you portrayed the characters extremely well in this brief chapter.
Grammar = Your writing is very good in this chapter. I could find nothing wrong.
5/27/2009 c4 Ersa Crayold
Review Game Depth Review #4
Grammar = "...other than Overlord Vynd. [Indent here] After all, you are hardly the grandfatherly type..."
"...sleepy). Might as well play along." change to "...sleepy); might as well play along."
Scene = The scene was very nice, it did well to accentuate the plots in this chapter. I really liked the lines: ""Not even your lover?"
"Especially not your lover."
Characters = "A heroine came out of nowhere and..." somehow I don't think he would call her a heroine, shouldn't he be bitter? I kind of imagined something like: "Harlot" "maniac".
Ending = I liked the ending. It was very simple and humorous.
Review Game Depth Review #4
Grammar = "...other than Overlord Vynd. [Indent here] After all, you are hardly the grandfatherly type..."
"...sleepy). Might as well play along." change to "...sleepy); might as well play along."
Scene = The scene was very nice, it did well to accentuate the plots in this chapter. I really liked the lines: ""Not even your lover?"
"Especially not your lover."
Characters = "A heroine came out of nowhere and..." somehow I don't think he would call her a heroine, shouldn't he be bitter? I kind of imagined something like: "Harlot" "maniac".
Ending = I liked the ending. It was very simple and humorous.
5/27/2009 c3 Ersa Crayold
Writing = Your writing is very verbose in this chapter. I thought there were far too many adjectives used to describe the characters.
Dialogue = I really liked the dialogue here, it fit nicely with the authority of the characters. Though one thing I would like to point out is: "On the behalf" might be better if it was "On behalf", just a suggestion.
Techniques = I really liked your technique when writing this sentence: "With a single quelling gaze, Ard'aam brought a swift demise to all forms of laughter in the room."
Also, "now-grinning" why does this have a hyphen? They're two separate words.
Other = "The sea witch's grin grew broader, a sinister current swelling full beneath the benign facade. "Good," she replied , malice now clearly evident. "I had no intentions of surrendering at all." [Indent after to form a new paragraph]
Writing = Your writing is very verbose in this chapter. I thought there were far too many adjectives used to describe the characters.
Dialogue = I really liked the dialogue here, it fit nicely with the authority of the characters. Though one thing I would like to point out is: "On the behalf" might be better if it was "On behalf", just a suggestion.
Techniques = I really liked your technique when writing this sentence: "With a single quelling gaze, Ard'aam brought a swift demise to all forms of laughter in the room."
Also, "now-grinning" why does this have a hyphen? They're two separate words.
Other = "The sea witch's grin grew broader, a sinister current swelling full beneath the benign facade. "Good," she replied , malice now clearly evident. "I had no intentions of surrendering at all." [Indent after to form a new paragraph]
5/26/2009 c2 Ersa Crayold
Review Game Multichap Depth # 2
Writing = "There would be time to properly mourn the bed's sullying later." and "Now was not the time to mourn their ruin" virtually mean the same thing, I think it would be better if you deleted one of them to emphasis the importance of the other. I suggest the first one, so the sentence then read:
"Blood stained the linens and soaked through the sheets, into the mattress; moving over to Thirry Morgen tried desperately to staunch the blood-flow with the already-stained linens. There would be time to properly mourn the bed's sullying later."
Grammar = "'We're almost there,' came her reply, harried, weary, and worry all blended together in her tone." would be better if it was ""We're almost there," came her reply; the emotions of harried, weary, and worry all blended together in her tone."
Other than that your grammar in this chapter is very good.
Ending = I'm confused by the last line. It said: "Swallowedbyblackness." Did you intend to make it space-less? I don't really see the significance of this line. If it was what happened to Thirry, which is what I concluded, I think it might be better if you wrote out the entire sentence.
Scene = The scenes with Thirry trapped in death were extremely hysterical. I really loved them all because they were written with such little description yet straight to the point.
Review Game Multichap Depth # 2
Writing = "There would be time to properly mourn the bed's sullying later." and "Now was not the time to mourn their ruin" virtually mean the same thing, I think it would be better if you deleted one of them to emphasis the importance of the other. I suggest the first one, so the sentence then read:
"Blood stained the linens and soaked through the sheets, into the mattress; moving over to Thirry Morgen tried desperately to staunch the blood-flow with the already-stained linens. There would be time to properly mourn the bed's sullying later."
Grammar = "'We're almost there,' came her reply, harried, weary, and worry all blended together in her tone." would be better if it was ""We're almost there," came her reply; the emotions of harried, weary, and worry all blended together in her tone."
Other than that your grammar in this chapter is very good.
Ending = I'm confused by the last line. It said: "Swallowedbyblackness." Did you intend to make it space-less? I don't really see the significance of this line. If it was what happened to Thirry, which is what I concluded, I think it might be better if you wrote out the entire sentence.
Scene = The scenes with Thirry trapped in death were extremely hysterical. I really loved them all because they were written with such little description yet straight to the point.