for The Death of the Dark Lord Thirilight5/26/2009 c1 Ersa Crayold
Review Game = Multichap Depth #1
Grammar = "A little old lady, gray-haired and wizened, fought through a clump of bushes, halting, speechless, at the sight of the dead villain." I suggest changing it to: "A little old lady, gray-haired and wizened, fought through a clump of bushes; halting, she became speechless at the sight of the dead villain." Similarly: "I proclaim, grandly, certain that the kind old soul will weep in gratitude and gladness." would be better if it was: "I proclaim grandly, certain that the kind old soul will weep in gratitude and gladness." Those were just a few misplaced commas.
Writing = I felt that this sentence: "The Amulet of Baellyne protects me from all magical attacks, and her strikes, though strengthened by rage, are no match for the Amulet's enchantments. Eventually, she tires and collapses to her knees, sobbing her withered old heart out." could be expanded upon so much. I'm not saying too much so that it bores out the reader but enough so that the reader can actually picture the old woman's specific attacks failing instead of just hearing you tell us that. Like the old saying, show it don't tell it.
Scene = I really like the description of the drowning at the end of the chapter. It seemed very poetic and well worded. Though I am confused, from the descriptions of the scene in chapter one I assume that the woman is "drowning" Denceress with her eyes. But I looked ahead to chap. 2 and saw that it said: "her attention divided between channeling the waters of the Maire." Does it mean that there's actually water pouring down on the woman? If so, please describe more of it in Chap. 1.
Ending = As I said I really like the ending description, I was just confused about that one thing. The ending really made me want to jump ahead to the next chapter, which is exactly what I did. XD
Review Game = Multichap Depth #1
Grammar = "A little old lady, gray-haired and wizened, fought through a clump of bushes, halting, speechless, at the sight of the dead villain." I suggest changing it to: "A little old lady, gray-haired and wizened, fought through a clump of bushes; halting, she became speechless at the sight of the dead villain." Similarly: "I proclaim, grandly, certain that the kind old soul will weep in gratitude and gladness." would be better if it was: "I proclaim grandly, certain that the kind old soul will weep in gratitude and gladness." Those were just a few misplaced commas.
Writing = I felt that this sentence: "The Amulet of Baellyne protects me from all magical attacks, and her strikes, though strengthened by rage, are no match for the Amulet's enchantments. Eventually, she tires and collapses to her knees, sobbing her withered old heart out." could be expanded upon so much. I'm not saying too much so that it bores out the reader but enough so that the reader can actually picture the old woman's specific attacks failing instead of just hearing you tell us that. Like the old saying, show it don't tell it.
Scene = I really like the description of the drowning at the end of the chapter. It seemed very poetic and well worded. Though I am confused, from the descriptions of the scene in chapter one I assume that the woman is "drowning" Denceress with her eyes. But I looked ahead to chap. 2 and saw that it said: "her attention divided between channeling the waters of the Maire." Does it mean that there's actually water pouring down on the woman? If so, please describe more of it in Chap. 1.
Ending = As I said I really like the ending description, I was just confused about that one thing. The ending really made me want to jump ahead to the next chapter, which is exactly what I did. XD
5/25/2009 c9 
9isthiswalrus
oh no, a cursed sword! how's he going to get un-cursed? XD
great chapter, I liked when Vynd twirls around to leave and Thirry wants Serena to tell him what he gets his cape snagged on.
9isthiswalrusoh no, a cursed sword! how's he going to get un-cursed? XD
great chapter, I liked when Vynd twirls around to leave and Thirry wants Serena to tell him what he gets his cape snagged on.
5/22/2009 c3 19sugaplumprincess
I adored this chapter. Serena and Vynd are the best pair of crotchety old villains ever and I hope they continue to make appearances. The image of them cuddling while the servant tosses bodies from the balcony is hilarious. And for spending most of the story so far unconscious or immobile Thirilight has been pretty amusing as well, though at the moment he strongly reminds me of Brave Sir Robin from Monty Python :D
19sugaplumprincessI adored this chapter. Serena and Vynd are the best pair of crotchety old villains ever and I hope they continue to make appearances. The image of them cuddling while the servant tosses bodies from the balcony is hilarious. And for spending most of the story so far unconscious or immobile Thirilight has been pretty amusing as well, though at the moment he strongly reminds me of Brave Sir Robin from Monty Python :D
4/30/2009 c8 9Shoob
Not much action in this chapter, but I did like the way the girls figured out who Thirry is (Lauralie is definitely cute, especially with her initial reaction). There's also Sangra's confusion about Wordy, which, since she doesn't know the full story, seems to be making her more afraid of Thirry than she should be. Then again he did knock her out fairly easily, so maybe he actually is more dangerous than he appears. A good villain is one that you can't predict, and Thirry is definitely unpredictable.
I eagerly await more of this story. It's awesome like that.
9ShoobNot much action in this chapter, but I did like the way the girls figured out who Thirry is (Lauralie is definitely cute, especially with her initial reaction). There's also Sangra's confusion about Wordy, which, since she doesn't know the full story, seems to be making her more afraid of Thirry than she should be. Then again he did knock her out fairly easily, so maybe he actually is more dangerous than he appears. A good villain is one that you can't predict, and Thirry is definitely unpredictable.
I eagerly await more of this story. It's awesome like that.
4/16/2009 c8 9isthiswalrus
this story is great!
favorite quote from Ch. 8: "The pair stared at each other in stunned silence for several minutes as the revelation sunk in. Laurelie was the first to break the stillness, raising a shaking hand to cover her mouth and nose. 'I flirted with an Overlord...'"
hehehe
can't wait for more!
9isthiswalrusthis story is great!
favorite quote from Ch. 8: "The pair stared at each other in stunned silence for several minutes as the revelation sunk in. Laurelie was the first to break the stillness, raising a shaking hand to cover her mouth and nose. 'I flirted with an Overlord...'"
hehehe
can't wait for more!
4/1/2009 c7 9Luuk
Okay, wow. I'm so confused because I've never read the other chapters but WOW. I'm going to go back and read the chapters before this now, okay?
First things first, this guy's point of view is so freakin' hilarious, I about died reading the first few lines.
I love how you write it exactly, and I mean exactly, like someone would comment to themselves in their mind before saying something like that. It's genius. Seriously.
"Thirry" amuses me greatly.
This part: (In any case, I see Overlord Lyehon of Daggertooth is here already, as is Overlord Rhel of Gloam. And here comes Overlord Ciyd of Frost. I never did understand why he chose Frost. He could have gone with something more impressive like Glacier or Frostbite o—
Dear gods! What is that smell? And where is all this smoke coming from?
Must. Not. Sneeze.
Must. Not. Flinch.
Must. Not. Grimace.
Must remember to install air-freshening charm.)
I love love love this part. I laughed so hard. GOSH this is so amusing.
Only thing I didn't like? This is apparently the last chapter you've added so far. Now I have to wait what happens next! I mean, what's wrong with Thirry? He's too cute, hope he's okay!
Aslo, I kinda wish you continued the last part of the chapter still in the POV, but I still enjoyed reading it, as it makes things more clear. Hopefully when I read all your chapters, I'll understand everything. Awesome, amazing, original characters you've got there!
Keep up the fantasmic writing! XD
9LuukOkay, wow. I'm so confused because I've never read the other chapters but WOW. I'm going to go back and read the chapters before this now, okay?
First things first, this guy's point of view is so freakin' hilarious, I about died reading the first few lines.
I love how you write it exactly, and I mean exactly, like someone would comment to themselves in their mind before saying something like that. It's genius. Seriously.
"Thirry" amuses me greatly.
This part: (In any case, I see Overlord Lyehon of Daggertooth is here already, as is Overlord Rhel of Gloam. And here comes Overlord Ciyd of Frost. I never did understand why he chose Frost. He could have gone with something more impressive like Glacier or Frostbite o—
Dear gods! What is that smell? And where is all this smoke coming from?
Must. Not. Sneeze.
Must. Not. Flinch.
Must. Not. Grimace.
Must remember to install air-freshening charm.)
I love love love this part. I laughed so hard. GOSH this is so amusing.
Only thing I didn't like? This is apparently the last chapter you've added so far. Now I have to wait what happens next! I mean, what's wrong with Thirry? He's too cute, hope he's okay!
Aslo, I kinda wish you continued the last part of the chapter still in the POV, but I still enjoyed reading it, as it makes things more clear. Hopefully when I read all your chapters, I'll understand everything. Awesome, amazing, original characters you've got there!
Keep up the fantasmic writing! XD
3/24/2009 c2 Left FP
Ok...this chapter works more due to Thrirry's soliloquy with death than anything else. I found it a hilarious read.
Now, the scenes were well paced. The so heroine is killed, and the villain is rescued. But he is a funny one, isn't he?
You definitely don't suffer from my wonderful curse of grammar and punctuation. So comments on that.
I like where this story is headed...looking forward to the next chapters...
Good work so far, Kylie.
Ok...this chapter works more due to Thrirry's soliloquy with death than anything else. I found it a hilarious read.
Now, the scenes were well paced. The so heroine is killed, and the villain is rescued. But he is a funny one, isn't he?
You definitely don't suffer from my wonderful curse of grammar and punctuation. So comments on that.
I like where this story is headed...looking forward to the next chapters...
Good work so far, Kylie.
3/24/2009 c1 Left FP
This was a fun read as well, Kylie. :-D
I enjoyed every minute of it. Now coming to the business part of it -
Nice way to begin the story...starting at the most vital point with having those major filler chapters as prologue and chapter 1,2...you get the drift, right?
Concerning the point of views, it would be better it you could mention who's point of view it is. I was a little confused in the second half before I realized it was Denceress.
Thirilight really appealed to me cause of his nature...the part where he is dying and the thoughts run through his head was too adorable for words.
Now, in the second half: the way the grandmother begins to mourn her grandson is rather...hilarious...(Ok, I shouldn't laugh at the ol' woman's loss...)
The way she enchants Denceress is a tad bit cliched, but it works well with the plot, since the Princess herself says she ought to act like a heroine.
It was a funny start to the story. I expect great things. The first person narrative actually works wonders for the story...
Now, grammar and punctuation is not really my forte.
So, I better go read the other chapters.
~ Bender.
This was a fun read as well, Kylie. :-D
I enjoyed every minute of it. Now coming to the business part of it -
Nice way to begin the story...starting at the most vital point with having those major filler chapters as prologue and chapter 1,2...you get the drift, right?
Concerning the point of views, it would be better it you could mention who's point of view it is. I was a little confused in the second half before I realized it was Denceress.
Thirilight really appealed to me cause of his nature...the part where he is dying and the thoughts run through his head was too adorable for words.
Now, in the second half: the way the grandmother begins to mourn her grandson is rather...hilarious...(Ok, I shouldn't laugh at the ol' woman's loss...)
The way she enchants Denceress is a tad bit cliched, but it works well with the plot, since the Princess herself says she ought to act like a heroine.
It was a funny start to the story. I expect great things. The first person narrative actually works wonders for the story...
Now, grammar and punctuation is not really my forte.
So, I better go read the other chapters.
~ Bender.
3/12/2009 c6 4B. J. Winters
"Not everyone is cut out to be a hero." (loved this line, might need to steal it)
You've introduced more characters (always a risk this late in the story), but I liked the fact that you had you MC linked and introduced to them the way you did - was hoping for that twist when I read that part - although it took me a second to connect "Overlord". Had he talked to his sword before? Not sure he did, you might want to use that in an earlier chapter as forshadowing, or use another traight the reader knows to hint at his identity. The eyes were good.
I'm not sure that you should use so many "S" and "M" names though. Yes, they are different, but it might help the reader if you you'd started with another letter. Just a random comment there.
Every once in awhile you throw in an odd POV shift. And that makes the flow difficult to follow. I want to stay with one character's focus more, since you already have the chapters broken apart.
Example: "And you were hoping I could tell you who." Thirry sighed and glared at Mortimer. "Why couldn't you have asked me in a letter?" Salth wondered the same.
Right here you have Salth wondering...with Thirry talking. Its a bit like watching a tennis match. Can you hold that thought until Salth speaks...or have him say what he's thinking? It think it would flow better.
I like the new characters and I can see where you are taking the plot. Enjoyed the read. it's light and playful. Shall be back for more
4B. J. Winters"Not everyone is cut out to be a hero." (loved this line, might need to steal it)
You've introduced more characters (always a risk this late in the story), but I liked the fact that you had you MC linked and introduced to them the way you did - was hoping for that twist when I read that part - although it took me a second to connect "Overlord". Had he talked to his sword before? Not sure he did, you might want to use that in an earlier chapter as forshadowing, or use another traight the reader knows to hint at his identity. The eyes were good.
I'm not sure that you should use so many "S" and "M" names though. Yes, they are different, but it might help the reader if you you'd started with another letter. Just a random comment there.
Every once in awhile you throw in an odd POV shift. And that makes the flow difficult to follow. I want to stay with one character's focus more, since you already have the chapters broken apart.
Example: "And you were hoping I could tell you who." Thirry sighed and glared at Mortimer. "Why couldn't you have asked me in a letter?" Salth wondered the same.
Right here you have Salth wondering...with Thirry talking. Its a bit like watching a tennis match. Can you hold that thought until Salth speaks...or have him say what he's thinking? It think it would flow better.
I like the new characters and I can see where you are taking the plot. Enjoyed the read. it's light and playful. Shall be back for more
3/11/2009 c6 9Shoob
So Thirilight finally shows that he really can be quite competent in dangerous situations, if he needs to be. I'd been wondering, particularly with how the whole story started out. The argumentative talking sword is a nice touch; why do I suspect that Thirilight came up with its name?
All in all good stuff, particularly the way Thirry manages to not lie at all and avoid suspicion of actually being the Evil Overlord that they're talking about. Keep it up!
9ShoobSo Thirilight finally shows that he really can be quite competent in dangerous situations, if he needs to be. I'd been wondering, particularly with how the whole story started out. The argumentative talking sword is a nice touch; why do I suspect that Thirilight came up with its name?
All in all good stuff, particularly the way Thirry manages to not lie at all and avoid suspicion of actually being the Evil Overlord that they're talking about. Keep it up!
3/11/2009 c5 4B. J. Winters
I like the names and the pattern of letters. The delivery breaks up the story nicely. It's simple. Your sentences might be a bit shorter - more business like, but it is currently written in keeping with your natural style, so I could see leaving it alone.
I did not believe that the king would use the socks though - seemed more like he should be suspicious, rather than distributing something like this. Is the army completely without socks of its own? I liked the humor, but couldn't get my head what felt like an obvious trap of some sort.
4B. J. WintersI like the names and the pattern of letters. The delivery breaks up the story nicely. It's simple. Your sentences might be a bit shorter - more business like, but it is currently written in keeping with your natural style, so I could see leaving it alone.
I did not believe that the king would use the socks though - seemed more like he should be suspicious, rather than distributing something like this. Is the army completely without socks of its own? I liked the humor, but couldn't get my head what felt like an obvious trap of some sort.
3/11/2009 c4 B. J. Winters
The dialogue in this chapter was most enjoyable. I like your MC. -
excerpt: "Tired," I mutter, and close my eyes for good effect. {I loved this, could see this}
excerpt: Hm. I've never realized you could raise your eyebrows so high. I wonder if I could do it to...{great!}
The use of "you" in the opening section is jaring. It works, but you might want to read it aloud to be sure it flows well. There were a couple of places, near the dialogue, where you might consider cutting for flow: example: "That is to be expected. You lost a lot of blood," you reply conversationally. {with only one other person in the room, I'm not sure you need the 'you reply' part}
I wonder why {italics on wonder - I'd change it}
The staring contest - made me laugh out loud *blink*
I understand a bit more now why you set the chapter 3 action as you did == so I suppose I could reverse my opinion in the last review. It's simple, and seems to work (although I might have to reread it for sure. I didn't get that he blinded them on the first pass - maybe I skipped a line)...My point was more that I would have liked more intrigue, more buildup and more suspense...but maybe the piece doesn't need it.
Overall I like this chapter best so far.
The dialogue in this chapter was most enjoyable. I like your MC. -
excerpt: "Tired," I mutter, and close my eyes for good effect. {I loved this, could see this}
excerpt: Hm. I've never realized you could raise your eyebrows so high. I wonder if I could do it to...{great!}
The use of "you" in the opening section is jaring. It works, but you might want to read it aloud to be sure it flows well. There were a couple of places, near the dialogue, where you might consider cutting for flow: example: "That is to be expected. You lost a lot of blood," you reply conversationally. {with only one other person in the room, I'm not sure you need the 'you reply' part}
I wonder why {italics on wonder - I'd change it}
The staring contest - made me laugh out loud *blink*
I understand a bit more now why you set the chapter 3 action as you did == so I suppose I could reverse my opinion in the last review. It's simple, and seems to work (although I might have to reread it for sure. I didn't get that he blinded them on the first pass - maybe I skipped a line)...My point was more that I would have liked more intrigue, more buildup and more suspense...but maybe the piece doesn't need it.
Overall I like this chapter best so far.
3/11/2009 c3 B. J. Winters
Oh - a selkie - good choice, considering the seawitch thing. But I'm not sure I see a romantic link here that would hint that his skin is hidden. Rotund belly, bustling == Selkies don't typically hang out with humans without a love bond of some sort and and he feels more like the butler to me. I guess my point is I like the selkie idea, but he's not acting like traditional legend.
It's not entirely clear to me where the confrontation takes place. The dialogue isn't fitting for a bedroom (with the invalid resting right there) and I think it might play better without Thirilight earshot or touched. That way the chapter has a bit more suspense (what will he do when he wakes up) and is a bit more subtle - the challenge less physical but no less demanding. The "After flipping Thirilight onto his back with an ungentle kick, the leader of the medley sneered at Serena, "This is your precious grandchild? This is your worthy heir?". - in my mind would have played better without then finding him. She could have bluffed, they could have debatted. Derision, jerring - it just seemed over the top to me.
Little things:
a bloodless hand rested in the unyielding embrace of a wizened one {wizened hands? awkward choice}
Morgen scratched his rotund belly as he was wont to do when unsure {won't}
He was very careful to avoid attracting the notice of the assembly's overflow {? is assembly the person? that's an odd term}
Oh - a selkie - good choice, considering the seawitch thing. But I'm not sure I see a romantic link here that would hint that his skin is hidden. Rotund belly, bustling == Selkies don't typically hang out with humans without a love bond of some sort and and he feels more like the butler to me. I guess my point is I like the selkie idea, but he's not acting like traditional legend.
It's not entirely clear to me where the confrontation takes place. The dialogue isn't fitting for a bedroom (with the invalid resting right there) and I think it might play better without Thirilight earshot or touched. That way the chapter has a bit more suspense (what will he do when he wakes up) and is a bit more subtle - the challenge less physical but no less demanding. The "After flipping Thirilight onto his back with an ungentle kick, the leader of the medley sneered at Serena, "This is your precious grandchild? This is your worthy heir?". - in my mind would have played better without then finding him. She could have bluffed, they could have debatted. Derision, jerring - it just seemed over the top to me.
Little things:
a bloodless hand rested in the unyielding embrace of a wizened one {wizened hands? awkward choice}
Morgen scratched his rotund belly as he was wont to do when unsure {won't}
He was very careful to avoid attracting the notice of the assembly's overflow {? is assembly the person? that's an odd term}
3/11/2009 c2 B. J. Winters
It might read less choppy (and keep the reader focused more) if you combine the two Morgen going up the stairs and into the room segments, and the two 'death is boring' segments (perhaps shortening). I'm not sure you needed the break you had.
Morgen running up the stairs - then tired. Well obviously that would be true, but it felt like more of a contradition. I'd not use that "run" verb. It's really not plausible with the load he was carrying. While he feels anxious, he also doesn't quite show that he's hurrying.
Again, good humor and interesting characters. The add of Thirilight's obsession with magical things and the key was a good use of the location to add to his character even though he's basically unconscious = clever.
I liked Morgen "smelling death" and "death being boring."
I think the Sabina, Serena thing could use a bit more foundation. The names are close. It might help to expand their entrance and introduce more physical details, or dialogue to show that these are indeed two different characters. As it stands you really only need one in the room to move the plot forward - so make it workth the reader's time to use two.
It might read less choppy (and keep the reader focused more) if you combine the two Morgen going up the stairs and into the room segments, and the two 'death is boring' segments (perhaps shortening). I'm not sure you needed the break you had.
Morgen running up the stairs - then tired. Well obviously that would be true, but it felt like more of a contradition. I'd not use that "run" verb. It's really not plausible with the load he was carrying. While he feels anxious, he also doesn't quite show that he's hurrying.
Again, good humor and interesting characters. The add of Thirilight's obsession with magical things and the key was a good use of the location to add to his character even though he's basically unconscious = clever.
I liked Morgen "smelling death" and "death being boring."
I think the Sabina, Serena thing could use a bit more foundation. The names are close. It might help to expand their entrance and introduce more physical details, or dialogue to show that these are indeed two different characters. As it stands you really only need one in the room to move the plot forward - so make it workth the reader's time to use two.
3/11/2009 c1 B. J. Winters
I liked the opening and the humorous internal dialogue.
I was a bit confused by the perspective switch and the lines, I think I would have preferred "I" to remain the same, or for this first chapter to be told from only one perspective.
I did like the ending. "Hedge witch" what a great term. And nice visuals with the drowning in magic. Unique, and yes, I'll agree fun.
Looking forward to the read.
Little things:
Shock does have it's uses. {its}
construing her pause to consternation {wow - big confusing words...could be clearer}
I liked the opening and the humorous internal dialogue.
I was a bit confused by the perspective switch and the lines, I think I would have preferred "I" to remain the same, or for this first chapter to be told from only one perspective.
I did like the ending. "Hedge witch" what a great term. And nice visuals with the drowning in magic. Unique, and yes, I'll agree fun.
Looking forward to the read.
Little things:
Shock does have it's uses. {its}
construing her pause to consternation {wow - big confusing words...could be clearer}