for The Death of the Dark Lord Thirilight2/13/2009 c3 
6Josephine Sawyer
I like this chapter much better than the previous two; consolidating the points of view really allows you to get into one. And telling it in third-person gives it a much more unified feel. The additional descriptions let your prose come through, and it really reads much more rapidly and compellingly. Good job.
There were a few awkward phrasings, in my opinion, and a few small errors of that sort, but nothing that would seriously impact the story. My main concern is that the bit with Overlord Ard'aam reads like something out of the Evil Overlord Handbook, or at least directly inspired by such, and feels less original than the rest of the chapter. You might want to take a different tack with it, or cut it out entirely - since it doesn't add overmuch to the characters, as far as I can tell.
6Josephine SawyerI like this chapter much better than the previous two; consolidating the points of view really allows you to get into one. And telling it in third-person gives it a much more unified feel. The additional descriptions let your prose come through, and it really reads much more rapidly and compellingly. Good job.
There were a few awkward phrasings, in my opinion, and a few small errors of that sort, but nothing that would seriously impact the story. My main concern is that the bit with Overlord Ard'aam reads like something out of the Evil Overlord Handbook, or at least directly inspired by such, and feels less original than the rest of the chapter. You might want to take a different tack with it, or cut it out entirely - since it doesn't add overmuch to the characters, as far as I can tell.
2/13/2009 c2 Josephine Sawyer
You have quite a few interesting ideas here; I like what little I know of Morgen's character (to be characterized by his sense of smell is certainly interesting; I want to know more about, well, what makes his nose special). You also have throwaway references to things I wish I knew more about - the Kelpie, for instance, which I knew vaguely but would have loved your particular take on. Having more description will help you strengthen your tone as well as beef up individual sections. And you have so many interesting ideas that you have a lot to expand upon.
I have to admit, the constant changes in point of view sort of bothered me. They made it a bit harder to tell what was going on, and a bit harder to get into any one string of the story. I might reorganize to try to consolidate the sections, but that is a personal choice.
You have quite a few interesting ideas here; I like what little I know of Morgen's character (to be characterized by his sense of smell is certainly interesting; I want to know more about, well, what makes his nose special). You also have throwaway references to things I wish I knew more about - the Kelpie, for instance, which I knew vaguely but would have loved your particular take on. Having more description will help you strengthen your tone as well as beef up individual sections. And you have so many interesting ideas that you have a lot to expand upon.
I have to admit, the constant changes in point of view sort of bothered me. They made it a bit harder to tell what was going on, and a bit harder to get into any one string of the story. I might reorganize to try to consolidate the sections, but that is a personal choice.
2/13/2009 c1 Josephine Sawyer
You have an interesting premise (premises?) here. I like that the villain is ambiguous, and I like the fact that your most sympathetic character is likely the evil overlord.
I feel like you have a rather abrupt change in tone at the end of this chapter; the light, satirical tone at the beginning fades and becomes somewhat more self-serious towards the end. This is independent of the speaker (although first person with multiple narrators does, and should, always lend itself to sudden changes in tone). I'm thinking of the contrast between the phrases "A tree... came toppling down upon my traveling companion. Poetic justice," and "Her hypnotic, fathomless eyes, heedless of my sacred mission..." I think that the best tone, which will be lighthearted and amusing while not so much so as to put off the reader; direct and wry while retaining poetry, lies somewhere between the two.
You have an interesting premise (premises?) here. I like that the villain is ambiguous, and I like the fact that your most sympathetic character is likely the evil overlord.
I feel like you have a rather abrupt change in tone at the end of this chapter; the light, satirical tone at the beginning fades and becomes somewhat more self-serious towards the end. This is independent of the speaker (although first person with multiple narrators does, and should, always lend itself to sudden changes in tone). I'm thinking of the contrast between the phrases "A tree... came toppling down upon my traveling companion. Poetic justice," and "Her hypnotic, fathomless eyes, heedless of my sacred mission..." I think that the best tone, which will be lighthearted and amusing while not so much so as to put off the reader; direct and wry while retaining poetry, lies somewhere between the two.
2/7/2009 c5 10captured.by.wonderland
Enchanted Socks. LOL
I love it!
"We currently are in possession of enough socks to supply the entire army."
Oh my goodness. This is amazing.
-Wonderland-
10captured.by.wonderlandEnchanted Socks. LOL
I love it!
"We currently are in possession of enough socks to supply the entire army."
Oh my goodness. This is amazing.
-Wonderland-
1/25/2009 c5 9Shoob
So...Thirilight has to be behind that caravan, considering its cargo and I doubt anyone else would put such powerful defensive spells around socks. I have no clue why he's moving them, or so many, but I'm sure we'll find out.
Also, is the Boarder Guard Captain's name a play on words or is it's resembling "en guarde" just coincidence?
And it's interesting to know that there's a Lower Council of Villainy, which would clearly add to the prestige of the High Council of Villainy. And it's funny, which I'm sure was your point.
9ShoobSo...Thirilight has to be behind that caravan, considering its cargo and I doubt anyone else would put such powerful defensive spells around socks. I have no clue why he's moving them, or so many, but I'm sure we'll find out.
Also, is the Boarder Guard Captain's name a play on words or is it's resembling "en guarde" just coincidence?
And it's interesting to know that there's a Lower Council of Villainy, which would clearly add to the prestige of the High Council of Villainy. And it's funny, which I'm sure was your point.
1/24/2009 c4 Shoob
Not as much action going on like in previous chapters, but still good reading material. I love to be in on Thirilight's thought process; I didn't burst into laughter like chapter two but I spent most of this chapter chuckling as I read.
Not as much action going on like in previous chapters, but still good reading material. I love to be in on Thirilight's thought process; I didn't burst into laughter like chapter two but I spent most of this chapter chuckling as I read.
1/23/2009 c1 Chasing Skylines
[The world went reeling as Denceress pierced me with her wicked sword.]
Hahaha, does 'Denceress' stand for 'denserest'? A play on words? XD
[What the hell is wrong with me?]
-laughs-
[No, wait. Just forgot to blink. Hm... Staring at the sun is bad for the vision.]
-laughs-
You don't expect criticism for this, right? XD
[Ha-ha! No reaction from me because I can't feel anything! Shock does have it's uses.]
It should be 'its.' - Lyall: Agatha, tell yourself to fix that already! XD
[Shortly thereafter, a tree, ancient and gnarled, came toppling down upon my spineless companion. Poetic justice.]
Your tensing is kinda confusing... or is it just me? Shouldn't it be 'comes' since your story is in present?
[The world went reeling as Denceress pierced me with her wicked sword. The moment she withdrew her blade, I fell limply to the ground.]
See, this is in past, which is different from the rest. Should be present tense.
Hahahahaha! Awesome and funny. Denserest indeed. Go grannie...?
[The world went reeling as Denceress pierced me with her wicked sword.]
Hahaha, does 'Denceress' stand for 'denserest'? A play on words? XD
[What the hell is wrong with me?]
-laughs-
[No, wait. Just forgot to blink. Hm... Staring at the sun is bad for the vision.]
-laughs-
You don't expect criticism for this, right? XD
[Ha-ha! No reaction from me because I can't feel anything! Shock does have it's uses.]
It should be 'its.' - Lyall: Agatha, tell yourself to fix that already! XD
[Shortly thereafter, a tree, ancient and gnarled, came toppling down upon my spineless companion. Poetic justice.]
Your tensing is kinda confusing... or is it just me? Shouldn't it be 'comes' since your story is in present?
[The world went reeling as Denceress pierced me with her wicked sword. The moment she withdrew her blade, I fell limply to the ground.]
See, this is in past, which is different from the rest. Should be present tense.
Hahahahaha! Awesome and funny. Denserest indeed. Go grannie...?
1/8/2009 c3 10captured.by.wonderland
Favorite line: "Puffing out his chest so that he looked like a bloated fish"
Favorite insult: "O Scourge of the Bathwaters"
Favorite character: Vynd
Favorite couple: the obvious
Favorite person: you.
-Wonderland-
10captured.by.wonderlandFavorite line: "Puffing out his chest so that he looked like a bloated fish"
Favorite insult: "O Scourge of the Bathwaters"
Favorite character: Vynd
Favorite couple: the obvious
Favorite person: you.
-Wonderland-
1/8/2009 c2 captured.by.wonderland
Genius. I know, I just can't get off your case, but HONESTLY. (Would put it in bold and italics too, but FP won't let me.)
This is inspiration, right here. I'm writing down a list of stories I can write just from random phrases in this story.
*continues*
-Wonderland-
Genius. I know, I just can't get off your case, but HONESTLY. (Would put it in bold and italics too, but FP won't let me.)
This is inspiration, right here. I'm writing down a list of stories I can write just from random phrases in this story.
*continues*
-Wonderland-
1/2/2009 c3 9Shoob
Okay, I'm hooked. I especially enjoyed the first person bits from Thirilight. Normally jumping from first person to second and back is awkward, but it seems pretty smooth. Thirilight's little conversations with Death had me laughing out loud.
9ShoobOkay, I'm hooked. I especially enjoyed the first person bits from Thirilight. Normally jumping from first person to second and back is awkward, but it seems pretty smooth. Thirilight's little conversations with Death had me laughing out loud.
10/5/2008 c1 Tawny Owl
I loved the set up - by starting at the traditional end of the story with the baddie being vanquished you can go anywhere you like.
I also thought the way he noticed the flushed cheeks of the heroine amusing.
You twisted all the sterotypes around in an interesting way as well. Thomas running awaya, and the wicked hedgewitch having the brains to undo the locket.
The lack of description meant that I did feel that I got through the chapter two fast - but I still really enjoyed reading it becasue it was refreshing and really funny.
I loved the set up - by starting at the traditional end of the story with the baddie being vanquished you can go anywhere you like.
I also thought the way he noticed the flushed cheeks of the heroine amusing.
You twisted all the sterotypes around in an interesting way as well. Thomas running awaya, and the wicked hedgewitch having the brains to undo the locket.
The lack of description meant that I did feel that I got through the chapter two fast - but I still really enjoyed reading it becasue it was refreshing and really funny.
9/26/2008 c1 defunct account 101521
The beginning is so FUNNY! XD Poor liver! It was making me laugh so hard the teacher in the room was looking at me funny!
Just curious, it doesn't really bother me: Why is some of the story in past tense (they watched) and some is in present (she runs)? It seems to work, I just want to know.
Okay, that's great! 'Yon vile villain lies vanquished'! Yay, for humour!
I don't see anything to judge, but I loves it! It's absolutely hilarious and besides that I just like your take on the villain so far and what about the grandmother? XD
Era
The beginning is so FUNNY! XD Poor liver! It was making me laugh so hard the teacher in the room was looking at me funny!
Just curious, it doesn't really bother me: Why is some of the story in past tense (they watched) and some is in present (she runs)? It seems to work, I just want to know.
Okay, that's great! 'Yon vile villain lies vanquished'! Yay, for humour!
I don't see anything to judge, but I loves it! It's absolutely hilarious and besides that I just like your take on the villain so far and what about the grandmother? XD
Era
9/26/2008 c1 8Idiot Savante
"...he flees to the cover of the trees, shouting 'She did it!'"
That is just a few of the many lines that had my sides splitting from laughter. I'm not usually one for humorous stories, but the dialogue kept me interested and I look forward to seeing more.
The only thing I can think of you to improve on is the lack of description.
8Idiot Savante"...he flees to the cover of the trees, shouting 'She did it!'"
That is just a few of the many lines that had my sides splitting from laughter. I'm not usually one for humorous stories, but the dialogue kept me interested and I look forward to seeing more.
The only thing I can think of you to improve on is the lack of description.
8/23/2008 c1 4Bookbook
Heh! Heheh! Heheheh!
Here are my favorite quotes:
"What the hell is wrong with me?"
"Oh dear. My poor liver."
"Thirry, dearest, have you found those flowers ye..."
"...he flees to the cover of the trees, shouting 'She did it!'"
"But it wasn't supposed to end this way..."
I love the way Denceress is so arrogant and sure that what she's doing is right, especially when she springs from thinking Thomas is some kind of just and true sidekick to a "spineless companion". I also likes how she just hugs the witch bcause a heroine is supposed to.
4BookbookHeh! Heheh! Heheheh!
Here are my favorite quotes:
"What the hell is wrong with me?"
"Oh dear. My poor liver."
"Thirry, dearest, have you found those flowers ye..."
"...he flees to the cover of the trees, shouting 'She did it!'"
"But it wasn't supposed to end this way..."
I love the way Denceress is so arrogant and sure that what she's doing is right, especially when she springs from thinking Thomas is some kind of just and true sidekick to a "spineless companion". I also likes how she just hugs the witch bcause a heroine is supposed to.