for The Death of the Dark Lord Thirilight8/14/2008 c1 
10Caecilia
"Oh dear. My poor liver." hahahaha. That's hilarious. If I was dying, that's probably what I would of thought... If I had been stabbed in the liver with a magical sword, that is.
Something contradicting I found- You say A shadowy figure, but then you proceed to use THEY. If it's multiple you might want to say "From behind a clump of bushes, shadowy figureS watched the terrible scene unfold."
I love how instead of the villain dying, the heroine dies because of the villain's grandmother. That's perfect. I can't wait to see more. Very entertaining writing so far.
10Caecilia"Oh dear. My poor liver." hahahaha. That's hilarious. If I was dying, that's probably what I would of thought... If I had been stabbed in the liver with a magical sword, that is.
Something contradicting I found- You say A shadowy figure, but then you proceed to use THEY. If it's multiple you might want to say "From behind a clump of bushes, shadowy figureS watched the terrible scene unfold."
I love how instead of the villain dying, the heroine dies because of the villain's grandmother. That's perfect. I can't wait to see more. Very entertaining writing so far.
8/13/2008 c1 1Master Judgment
Review Game
The opening was pretty good. Maybe you could have used more exciting diction, though. It semi-hooked me. The story was also comical and the dialogue kept me interested.
However, I did not see much characterization or character development. Come to think of it, I didn't even know what the characters looked like. The story also lacks a description of a setting (all I could picture was grass, and then little pieces of scenery desultorily pop up into the picture). The redundancy of "they watched" was a little boring. Try varying your sentence structues. You also switched tense at one point, which threw me off and disturbed the story's flow. I think this story has potential if you work on those elements and better introduce the plot. Good luck.
1Master JudgmentReview Game
The opening was pretty good. Maybe you could have used more exciting diction, though. It semi-hooked me. The story was also comical and the dialogue kept me interested.
However, I did not see much characterization or character development. Come to think of it, I didn't even know what the characters looked like. The story also lacks a description of a setting (all I could picture was grass, and then little pieces of scenery desultorily pop up into the picture). The redundancy of "they watched" was a little boring. Try varying your sentence structues. You also switched tense at one point, which threw me off and disturbed the story's flow. I think this story has potential if you work on those elements and better introduce the plot. Good luck.
8/13/2008 c1 37LaFarfalla
Hahaha...many aspects about this made me laugh. The narrator in the first part has very humorous thoughts and the comments he was making to himself were endlessly amusing. "My poor liver" hahahaha...I like him a lot.
I thought it was interesting how you switched point of views. It kind of threw me off a little, but it was interesting nonetheless.
The only thing that I didn't like was that it was a little confusing and I didn't really understand what was going on. But I suppose if it's just the beginning of a story then it's alright. I look forward to seeing more! I really like your writing style!
37LaFarfallaHahaha...many aspects about this made me laugh. The narrator in the first part has very humorous thoughts and the comments he was making to himself were endlessly amusing. "My poor liver" hahahaha...I like him a lot.
I thought it was interesting how you switched point of views. It kind of threw me off a little, but it was interesting nonetheless.
The only thing that I didn't like was that it was a little confusing and I didn't really understand what was going on. But I suppose if it's just the beginning of a story then it's alright. I look forward to seeing more! I really like your writing style!
8/12/2008 c1 7Happy Pappy
This was extremly short but I think the quirky humor made up for it. This wasn't a one-shot, was it? I hope not because I think a series of stories like this could be very entertaining. Not to mention I'd like to get some backstory on what is going on.
The dialouge and innter monolouge was awesome, I really loved the thoughts of the person that got stabbed. Never quite what I thought would be running from someone's mind upon getting fatally stabbed with a magical sword.
Well, I still hope this isn't a one shot and I look forward to more!
7Happy PappyThis was extremly short but I think the quirky humor made up for it. This wasn't a one-shot, was it? I hope not because I think a series of stories like this could be very entertaining. Not to mention I'd like to get some backstory on what is going on.
The dialouge and innter monolouge was awesome, I really loved the thoughts of the person that got stabbed. Never quite what I thought would be running from someone's mind upon getting fatally stabbed with a magical sword.
Well, I still hope this isn't a one shot and I look forward to more!
7/21/2008 c1 2dragonflydreamer
Haha, very nice drabble. I like the part about his mind wandering. It's random, yet hilarious. I don't really know what else to say, except: great job!
2dragonflydreamerHaha, very nice drabble. I like the part about his mind wandering. It's random, yet hilarious. I don't really know what else to say, except: great job!
7/19/2008 c1 18GRAYTEXT
This was amusing. My favorite line was "Oh dear. My poor liver." Great drabble.
18GRAYTEXTThis was amusing. My favorite line was "Oh dear. My poor liver." Great drabble.
7/19/2008 c1 5Dr Chili Pepper
Oh, excellent! Made me giggle. I've always favored the bad guys. Way to go!
5Dr Chili PepperOh, excellent! Made me giggle. I've always favored the bad guys. Way to go!