for Connections10/18/2009 c4 
29YasuRan
Very interesting concept. I'd love to find out how Colm and Vanessa's stories intertwine. Update soon?
29YasuRanVery interesting concept. I'd love to find out how Colm and Vanessa's stories intertwine. Update soon?
8/6/2008 c3 4B. J. Winters
The writing here was overall well constructed. It flows well as one nice compact scene. I can see where you are going from a plot perspective, but I’ll admit I don’t find it terrible credible. Compelling yes, but it’s a stretch given the long time frame. If this were 14 days, I might be able to get there.
I liked that you opened with dialogue, and right into the drama. But your heavy use of pronouns with three characters left me a bit lost.
The dialogue is a bit over the top, and predictable. I’d use more action and less words. You have anger and angst to portray, and some of the dialogue actually tones down the emotion.
What is Anastasia’s motivation….I’m not sure she adds much to the scene. It might actually be more dramatic to have her not speak, and then act either by holding him down, or participating in the ceremony only. As it is she feels a bit like floral wallpaper. Pretty, but a bit annoying and without drama.
I’ve added some quotes and commentary to illustrate my thoughts as I read:
“Who was on the phone?” Mimi shouted at me, her pistol still propped up against the side of my head. Anastasia, her henchwoman of sorts, was standing at my side, armed with a homemade whip that I felt on my back at least once each day. I doubted she really had any intent on using it, though. She looked me in the eyes with her huge brown eyes that were filled with worry. {in the last line is the “she” Anastasia or Mimi? – it appears (as I read on) to by Mimi so you might actually want to put all the Anastasia stuff in its own paragraph. In fact this entire first section could be a bit clearer on who is talking. Your use of “she” and then no dialogue qualifiers is a bit confusing with three characters}
“How do you know him? Tell me or I shoot!” {shoot what – the ceiling? She’s already shot the gun, so the dialogue could be more explicit}
“You don’t know me too well, do you?” {so well? – too well doesn’t sound right to me}
It was now more than ever that I realized that I wanted to live. During the cold winter nights I spent in the basement without even a blanket to keep me warm, I would think about suicide. They weren’t just little spur-of-the-moment thoughts; they were serious. {this break and internal reflection doesn’t seem to fit the moment. I’d figure he’d be thinking escape, not musing about past suicide throughts – I’d feel anger, hate, not meloncoly}
That will to live was the same thing burning like a fire in my chest now. It was the same intensity that made me realize I was thankful that she hadn’t shot at my chest or head, and that I still had a small chance of getting out of here {did she shoot? If she did – I completely missed it – add more drama/reaction}
“Give me the gun!” I screamed. “You’re not going to shoot me!” {less talk – more action}
I didn’t try to back away for fear that it would turn off her bad side, but I was a bit hesitant. {turn off?}
“I’ll give you two options,” Mimi said, running her hand down the side of my body, sending chills surging up my spine. “Option number one. I shoot you and let you bleed to death. And option number two. You marry me.” {unexpected – he’s been captive 14 years and she wants to do this now? The twist isn’t completely credible to me.}
“You see, my parents neglected me for most of my childhood and left when I was fifteen. We were rich beyond our wildest dreams. We lived in an enormous mansion with more rooms than I can remember, and Mom and Dad were always off at parties and other social events. When they left for wherever they went, they left me most of our fortune, but I was lonely. I was by myself day and night, and had few friends to keep me company. {so she waits 14 years? And he has not idea – they’ve never talked about reason before? He’s never asked the question, and somehow she simply spills the beans now?}
That twisted ceremony was as far from a wedding as hip hop is from a classical symphony. If that was how this freak symbolized a bond of eternal love, I wanted to get divorced as soon as I possibly could. {I liked this line – but I’m confused as to why he didn’t do more to resist}
4B. J. WintersThe writing here was overall well constructed. It flows well as one nice compact scene. I can see where you are going from a plot perspective, but I’ll admit I don’t find it terrible credible. Compelling yes, but it’s a stretch given the long time frame. If this were 14 days, I might be able to get there.
I liked that you opened with dialogue, and right into the drama. But your heavy use of pronouns with three characters left me a bit lost.
The dialogue is a bit over the top, and predictable. I’d use more action and less words. You have anger and angst to portray, and some of the dialogue actually tones down the emotion.
What is Anastasia’s motivation….I’m not sure she adds much to the scene. It might actually be more dramatic to have her not speak, and then act either by holding him down, or participating in the ceremony only. As it is she feels a bit like floral wallpaper. Pretty, but a bit annoying and without drama.
I’ve added some quotes and commentary to illustrate my thoughts as I read:
“Who was on the phone?” Mimi shouted at me, her pistol still propped up against the side of my head. Anastasia, her henchwoman of sorts, was standing at my side, armed with a homemade whip that I felt on my back at least once each day. I doubted she really had any intent on using it, though. She looked me in the eyes with her huge brown eyes that were filled with worry. {in the last line is the “she” Anastasia or Mimi? – it appears (as I read on) to by Mimi so you might actually want to put all the Anastasia stuff in its own paragraph. In fact this entire first section could be a bit clearer on who is talking. Your use of “she” and then no dialogue qualifiers is a bit confusing with three characters}
“How do you know him? Tell me or I shoot!” {shoot what – the ceiling? She’s already shot the gun, so the dialogue could be more explicit}
“You don’t know me too well, do you?” {so well? – too well doesn’t sound right to me}
It was now more than ever that I realized that I wanted to live. During the cold winter nights I spent in the basement without even a blanket to keep me warm, I would think about suicide. They weren’t just little spur-of-the-moment thoughts; they were serious. {this break and internal reflection doesn’t seem to fit the moment. I’d figure he’d be thinking escape, not musing about past suicide throughts – I’d feel anger, hate, not meloncoly}
That will to live was the same thing burning like a fire in my chest now. It was the same intensity that made me realize I was thankful that she hadn’t shot at my chest or head, and that I still had a small chance of getting out of here {did she shoot? If she did – I completely missed it – add more drama/reaction}
“Give me the gun!” I screamed. “You’re not going to shoot me!” {less talk – more action}
I didn’t try to back away for fear that it would turn off her bad side, but I was a bit hesitant. {turn off?}
“I’ll give you two options,” Mimi said, running her hand down the side of my body, sending chills surging up my spine. “Option number one. I shoot you and let you bleed to death. And option number two. You marry me.” {unexpected – he’s been captive 14 years and she wants to do this now? The twist isn’t completely credible to me.}
“You see, my parents neglected me for most of my childhood and left when I was fifteen. We were rich beyond our wildest dreams. We lived in an enormous mansion with more rooms than I can remember, and Mom and Dad were always off at parties and other social events. When they left for wherever they went, they left me most of our fortune, but I was lonely. I was by myself day and night, and had few friends to keep me company. {so she waits 14 years? And he has not idea – they’ve never talked about reason before? He’s never asked the question, and somehow she simply spills the beans now?}
That twisted ceremony was as far from a wedding as hip hop is from a classical symphony. If that was how this freak symbolized a bond of eternal love, I wanted to get divorced as soon as I possibly could. {I liked this line – but I’m confused as to why he didn’t do more to resist}
8/5/2008 c4 1GenevievePlz
I liked the chapter alot. (:
One thing I'd like have read about is more of her emotions when
her and Jerome were talking and such. xD But that's just what I like to hear.
1GenevievePlzI liked the chapter alot. (:
One thing I'd like have read about is more of her emotions when
her and Jerome were talking and such. xD But that's just what I like to hear.
7/20/2008 c3 Arianna Aine
I'm back. May I first say I enjoyed this much more than Colm's first chapter.
Your characters, despite the chapter separation, have stayed constant. The narration by Colm's viewpoint has remained similar enough to pass. I would believe it the same as if there were no break.
I do like some of the little lines you throw in there at random. Such as the ending, in particular, is a brilliant little lilt of English. I also find it admirable you can work in such jokes without distorting Colm's character... :)
The dialog is decent, yet again. Not blazing with perfection, but believable. I do not like the opening of Mimi's little rant. It just seems weak, somehow, and I do not believe one as demented as this woman would simply throw out something so central and personal like that.
I have one little tip I would like to give you. The long rant has little expression, as all you have to punctuate it is a period at the end of each sentence. Work in a few pauses, adding facial or verbal expressions to communicate how she and Colm are reacting to the story. Also, I would like some description of her tone of voice. You have an open window to make her sound COMPLETELY psychotic, and it would be a shame to skip it.
~Jerome
I'm back. May I first say I enjoyed this much more than Colm's first chapter.
Your characters, despite the chapter separation, have stayed constant. The narration by Colm's viewpoint has remained similar enough to pass. I would believe it the same as if there were no break.
I do like some of the little lines you throw in there at random. Such as the ending, in particular, is a brilliant little lilt of English. I also find it admirable you can work in such jokes without distorting Colm's character... :)
The dialog is decent, yet again. Not blazing with perfection, but believable. I do not like the opening of Mimi's little rant. It just seems weak, somehow, and I do not believe one as demented as this woman would simply throw out something so central and personal like that.
I have one little tip I would like to give you. The long rant has little expression, as all you have to punctuate it is a period at the end of each sentence. Work in a few pauses, adding facial or verbal expressions to communicate how she and Colm are reacting to the story. Also, I would like some description of her tone of voice. You have an open window to make her sound COMPLETELY psychotic, and it would be a shame to skip it.
~Jerome
7/20/2008 c2 Arianna Aine
Hello again.
Once again, you have held your narration rather solidly. Once again (XD), it doesn't seem to be swayed much by the emotion of the narrator. Maybe you just have another aloof character. But I usually expect more change in wording across emotions.
...Watch the dialog. While it would be realistic across two normally distant characters...I would usually expect more close language. Especially between a single father and his daughter...I get the impression their words should be more personal.
I do like how you left it off, but considering the first chapter, I don't know how much further this is going to go on. While it would be interesting to see why...I don't see hope to go in that direction in the remaining chapters. That is kinda disappointing :)
I would give you more, but with the length and substance of what I read, I don't have anything left...
~Jerome
Hello again.
Once again, you have held your narration rather solidly. Once again (XD), it doesn't seem to be swayed much by the emotion of the narrator. Maybe you just have another aloof character. But I usually expect more change in wording across emotions.
...Watch the dialog. While it would be realistic across two normally distant characters...I would usually expect more close language. Especially between a single father and his daughter...I get the impression their words should be more personal.
I do like how you left it off, but considering the first chapter, I don't know how much further this is going to go on. While it would be interesting to see why...I don't see hope to go in that direction in the remaining chapters. That is kinda disappointing :)
I would give you more, but with the length and substance of what I read, I don't have anything left...
~Jerome
7/20/2008 c1 Arianna Aine
From review game.
o.0 ...
That was a relatively interesting initial setup. While it is a tad cliche for me, it is well written and well done. I do see the word 'fanfic' at the top of my browser, and while I deplore such a thing (having abandoned my account long ago), I cannot immediately discount you for it ;)
The phone conversation is, hmm...a little unbelievable. I don't believe it. Run the situation through your head and try to simulate the man's reaction a little better. It just seems fake to me. As that is basically the only dialog, I have nothing further for that.
The narration is decent, does hold the person to the screen to a decent degree, but could be better. I do like the fleeting nature of it, but if you could make it a little more frantic-sounding, the end result would be better for it. Emotion, in the first-person, is the greatest hurdle and greatest asset.
The opening...the opening could be worked better. First of all, I don't like the paragraph breaks. They are kind of annoying. Second of all...would someone in that situation really be breaking off in soliloquy about oppression? I don't think so. It might work better to drop it entirely and elaborate on his situation directly. But that may just be me.
Overall, decent writing put to cliche effectively.
~Jerome
From review game.
o.0 ...
That was a relatively interesting initial setup. While it is a tad cliche for me, it is well written and well done. I do see the word 'fanfic' at the top of my browser, and while I deplore such a thing (having abandoned my account long ago), I cannot immediately discount you for it ;)
The phone conversation is, hmm...a little unbelievable. I don't believe it. Run the situation through your head and try to simulate the man's reaction a little better. It just seems fake to me. As that is basically the only dialog, I have nothing further for that.
The narration is decent, does hold the person to the screen to a decent degree, but could be better. I do like the fleeting nature of it, but if you could make it a little more frantic-sounding, the end result would be better for it. Emotion, in the first-person, is the greatest hurdle and greatest asset.
The opening...the opening could be worked better. First of all, I don't like the paragraph breaks. They are kind of annoying. Second of all...would someone in that situation really be breaking off in soliloquy about oppression? I don't think so. It might work better to drop it entirely and elaborate on his situation directly. But that may just be me.
Overall, decent writing put to cliche effectively.
~Jerome
7/19/2008 c4 CandleQueen
Well, I couldn't find any spelling errors, and I like Jerome's character (as an artist, I'm immediately attached to him XD)and you did a good job developing Jess. Just a question:
"Being one of those girls who changes her girlfriend as often as she changes her shirt..."
Did you mean to say boyfriend, or is Jess a lesbian? Because I've had somebody make a typo like that before, and you didn't mention her sexual preference afterward, so I just wanted to confirm that it wasn't a mistake.
Good job on this chapter,
-Ramen
Well, I couldn't find any spelling errors, and I like Jerome's character (as an artist, I'm immediately attached to him XD)and you did a good job developing Jess. Just a question:
"Being one of those girls who changes her girlfriend as often as she changes her shirt..."
Did you mean to say boyfriend, or is Jess a lesbian? Because I've had somebody make a typo like that before, and you didn't mention her sexual preference afterward, so I just wanted to confirm that it wasn't a mistake.
Good job on this chapter,
-Ramen
7/19/2008 c4 4B. J. Winters
Late chapter reviews are hard to get - but I like to do them - so note I'm reading this chapter out of context.
favorite line: He gave me a wink that you would expect from a jolly old Santa Clause.
I liked your use of dialogue. The phrasing is good - You use words that are age appropriate and help define the characters.
From a plot perspective not much happened here. I think you might be able to just have one conversation about Dad's emotional state (rather than two) and maybe spout some additional theories for depth.
Little things: 1st paragraph: He always had his nose in some fantasy novel, usually a borrowed on of mine.{I suspect you're talking about Jess - but the HE could mean dad the way this is set up - in the prior sentence I think that's how you use the pronoun - if not...clarify is my recommendation}
It was only ten minutes away by foot, and it wasn’t as “rowdy and dangerous” as other popular destinations for teenagers - {I'd use single quotes or italics since you use double quotes for dialogue soon after}
4B. J. WintersLate chapter reviews are hard to get - but I like to do them - so note I'm reading this chapter out of context.
favorite line: He gave me a wink that you would expect from a jolly old Santa Clause.
I liked your use of dialogue. The phrasing is good - You use words that are age appropriate and help define the characters.
From a plot perspective not much happened here. I think you might be able to just have one conversation about Dad's emotional state (rather than two) and maybe spout some additional theories for depth.
Little things: 1st paragraph: He always had his nose in some fantasy novel, usually a borrowed on of mine.{I suspect you're talking about Jess - but the HE could mean dad the way this is set up - in the prior sentence I think that's how you use the pronoun - if not...clarify is my recommendation}
It was only ten minutes away by foot, and it wasn’t as “rowdy and dangerous” as other popular destinations for teenagers - {I'd use single quotes or italics since you use double quotes for dialogue soon after}
7/18/2008 c1 Counting Petals
Now you've got me wondering how Colm ended up in this mess to begin with, which is good. I also liked the cliffhanger at the end. I agree with Lorki, though, about why it took him that long to open the door, unless the pin wasn't there the whole time or something?
Now you've got me wondering how Colm ended up in this mess to begin with, which is good. I also liked the cliffhanger at the end. I agree with Lorki, though, about why it took him that long to open the door, unless the pin wasn't there the whole time or something?
7/18/2008 c3 CandleQueen
Wow, Mimi must not live near anyone, because if she shot a bullet up into her ceiling and she lived in a neighborhood, I think someone would hear it and call the cops. :/
"“How do you know him? Tell me() or I shoot!”"
You need a comma there.
Woah, weird way to get married. o_o But Anastassia's character interests me, and I'm just going to go ahead and guess that Colm is Vanessa's father, because I think that's pretty clear. But I wonder what she meant by married again...? It was a nice cliffie, by the way. I'm really curious now. :)
-Ramen
Wow, Mimi must not live near anyone, because if she shot a bullet up into her ceiling and she lived in a neighborhood, I think someone would hear it and call the cops. :/
"“How do you know him? Tell me() or I shoot!”"
You need a comma there.
Woah, weird way to get married. o_o But Anastassia's character interests me, and I'm just going to go ahead and guess that Colm is Vanessa's father, because I think that's pretty clear. But I wonder what she meant by married again...? It was a nice cliffie, by the way. I'm really curious now. :)
-Ramen
7/18/2008 c2 CandleQueen
"...and it was stretching his emotions out proportion."
In the very last line, you forgot to put "of" after "out."
I know you said to review one of the later chapters, and I will, but I just wanted to say that this one really caught my interest. The relationship between Vanessa and her father is really intriguing, and it totally makes me want to read on. :)
Good job,
-Ramen
"...and it was stretching his emotions out proportion."
In the very last line, you forgot to put "of" after "out."
I know you said to review one of the later chapters, and I will, but I just wanted to say that this one really caught my interest. The relationship between Vanessa and her father is really intriguing, and it totally makes me want to read on. :)
Good job,
-Ramen
7/18/2008 c2 6xx raincharm fetish xx
Review Game, Phantom! Are you ready?
Plot - What a thrilling, suspenseful idea for a story! It's so original, the pacing is perfect, and the characters are very real. The gaps of information you left out didn't confuse me, it just made me yearn for more! Great job on achieving that sense of suspense and mystery. I also think it would work out great as a movie!
Dialogue - Good flow and very real! I also like how the changing POV really adds that "pieces of the puzzle" effect. Very intriguing!
Characters - Poor Colm! I like how even after 14 years of imprisonment, he is desperate, but not to the point of a crazed maniac. In the midst of it all, he's still pointedly shrewd, and rational. He didn't do anything brash or irrational in his long awaited escape - as most characters tend to do in times of excitement - which really drew me into him! It was extremely sharp to dial a random phone number to discern where he was, instead of just running outside. And I love how his thoughts didn't start out as blatant disdain and anger towards Mimi. It was more resigned, and in lingering towards thought of his wife...made you really feel sympathetic for him! I connected to him, and I think he's really a great, smart character.
Vanessa - Sweet, mature girl! She's not like the typical angsty teenager, despite living an unconventional life she's extremely mature and perceptive to her father's feelings. I love how she, too, didn't start out just hating on her father for being unreasonably strict. She also seems very deep and creative - I like how she spends her free time creating artwork, instead of mindlessly blasting music on her stereo or spending hours on the telephone, or anything else typically teenager. Plus, it's a clever nod to how her lifestyle has made her grown accustomed to solitude. Overall, I like her! Also a sweet, smart character.
Enjoyment - Although I usually don't read suspenseful stories, yours has incredible merit! I really do think it'd make out as a great movie - I usually only watch suspense with my mom - and again, your pacing is perfect! 14 years, ooh! Is Mimi her mother? How crazy! I can't wait to find out! AND WHAT DID JASMINE DO! So many questions! I need to read more!
Overall, amazing job! Your style is engaging, and perfect for this kind of piece.
6xx raincharm fetish xxReview Game, Phantom! Are you ready?
Plot - What a thrilling, suspenseful idea for a story! It's so original, the pacing is perfect, and the characters are very real. The gaps of information you left out didn't confuse me, it just made me yearn for more! Great job on achieving that sense of suspense and mystery. I also think it would work out great as a movie!
Dialogue - Good flow and very real! I also like how the changing POV really adds that "pieces of the puzzle" effect. Very intriguing!
Characters - Poor Colm! I like how even after 14 years of imprisonment, he is desperate, but not to the point of a crazed maniac. In the midst of it all, he's still pointedly shrewd, and rational. He didn't do anything brash or irrational in his long awaited escape - as most characters tend to do in times of excitement - which really drew me into him! It was extremely sharp to dial a random phone number to discern where he was, instead of just running outside. And I love how his thoughts didn't start out as blatant disdain and anger towards Mimi. It was more resigned, and in lingering towards thought of his wife...made you really feel sympathetic for him! I connected to him, and I think he's really a great, smart character.
Vanessa - Sweet, mature girl! She's not like the typical angsty teenager, despite living an unconventional life she's extremely mature and perceptive to her father's feelings. I love how she, too, didn't start out just hating on her father for being unreasonably strict. She also seems very deep and creative - I like how she spends her free time creating artwork, instead of mindlessly blasting music on her stereo or spending hours on the telephone, or anything else typically teenager. Plus, it's a clever nod to how her lifestyle has made her grown accustomed to solitude. Overall, I like her! Also a sweet, smart character.
Enjoyment - Although I usually don't read suspenseful stories, yours has incredible merit! I really do think it'd make out as a great movie - I usually only watch suspense with my mom - and again, your pacing is perfect! 14 years, ooh! Is Mimi her mother? How crazy! I can't wait to find out! AND WHAT DID JASMINE DO! So many questions! I need to read more!
Overall, amazing job! Your style is engaging, and perfect for this kind of piece.
7/17/2008 c4 81EmilyAlice10
I really enjoyed this chapter! I really like your wording in some parts and you use some great figurative language like "verbal joust" and the whole description of Jerome. This is quality writing. There were some parts that were a little hard to follow and could use some clarification but other than that it is really good! Keep writing!
81EmilyAlice10I really enjoyed this chapter! I really like your wording in some parts and you use some great figurative language like "verbal joust" and the whole description of Jerome. This is quality writing. There were some parts that were a little hard to follow and could use some clarification but other than that it is really good! Keep writing!