Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for The Ten Proposals!

10/26/2008 c1 10mobb
Not very optimistic, but quite good actually. Too bad that they can't understand each other better, and faster. Love is masochistic...
7/20/2008 c1 cyanidecandy
the kindergarden scene was adorable :D

ian is such a nice character !

good work ;)
7/16/2008 c1 8Autumn's Last Curse
I absolutely love the plot, one of the best I have read here so far. There were a few glitches, like grammatical errors and a few sentences which didn't sound quite right. Also, Lily does seem a little shallow, while Ian seems to be the protector, and the deep thinker. Oh the other hand, The twist at the end was very good, I was expecting a disney-fairy tale ending. I was glad not of find it. As well, this version is a little easier to follow than authorlittle's. I liked the lack of jealousy between James and Ian, that was quite humane. The 'euks' part had me laughing, I've never heard that word before. The grammar could use a beat of tweaking, but the content is absolutely excellent.
7/16/2008 c1 JustLikeMe91
Hey.

In terms of constructive criticism, your story is really cute. You just have to work on your grammar and word choice and stuff. That's the kinda stuff that gets better over time by reading other stories and working on other stories as well.

Good luck!

-Joanna
7/13/2008 c1 9Lily Llynn
Well, I found the excess of ellipses (...) and sometimes repeated letters annoying. Also be careful to keep the POV the same; at one point it switched to first person. And sometimes things are a little awkward. And here ("He could hear tits and bits of their conversation."), I think you mean tidbits, not tits and bits, which is an entirely different meaning. XD

And I'm not sure if it was your intention, but I felt like Lily was a villain. She was really annoying and actually a really bad friend. I also feel like Ian loves her for shallow reasons (beauty), and the fact that she suddenly loves him isn't well-explained either.

I do like the ending, however, simply because it's just desserts (for her): she gets to suffer after making him suffer all those years.
7/13/2008 c1 7Princess of Lies
That was so sad! But at the same time, it was also sweet. Ian loved her a lot. He loved her so much that he never truly gave up. It makes me want to cry!
7/13/2008 c1 26akusma
This is really good! The end is complex (In a good way) and the question at the end sets it off.
7/12/2008 c1 91MyWorldisBlack
Wow amazing story! Cant wait to read more of your stories! They're great!

And the thing you wrote on your profile page thing about loving Harry Potter - I love Harry Potter as well! It's awesome! =]
7/11/2008 c1 12AuthorLittle
Wow...very, very good, I must say. Though, I agree w/another reviewer, you should probably create your own names if you edit this. Also, it is easy to tell that you are not English-though I know you said you wrote it in a hurry, so that might account for many of the peculiarities.

I'm curious, how old are you? When I read some parts, I feel like I'm reading a cliche 'tween' fictional writing. Other parts (ending especially,) I feel like you are extremely wise. Anyway, I am probably going to steal some ideas in this writing, that's how much I like it...I'd also be willing to help you edit this, in fact, I'd be very much pleased to.
7/11/2008 c1 4Full Stop
very sweet story. =] I loved the progression, although, honestly, the harry potter names made it very confusing. I'd suggest creating your own names. :P Other than that, I loved the story!
7/11/2008 c1 8Darling December
I liked it mostly. The idea was very good. I like the term : complexly simple emotions. Very sweet.

Would you please check out my The Advanced Theology of Good And Bad Angels? Short chapters, I promise.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service