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for Ghost

8/17/2008 c1 23Lithium of Mercy
I understand the feelings in this story perfectly. It makes a lot of sense to me. It's beautiful and heart-wrenching to read something that so closely describes you. I've all but stopped eating for long periods of time too, and I've wished desperately that someone would notice and tell me to eat, but they never do. That's why I can understand the line, 'I don't think I will eat today, and nobody will notice.'

Good job!
7/12/2008 c1 half-sketched.staccatos
konban wa

All righty, let's see what I can come up with. I'm in a reviewing mood if that makes sense, so I'll try to make this... m... helpful? We'll see what happens.

- - -

[a] Loved the "I don't think I will eat today..." It sounded so casual, like, "I don't think I will watch that movie tonight." So blasé about the whole thing.

I was a bit surprised that she noticed herself: her thin body, transparent skin, pale face, etc. I always get this feeling of "she doesn't notice; she thinks she's fat." Then, you mentioned how she waits for OTHERs to see.

"I've disappeared." Love that line. I can't even explain why... just that it was powerful after the previous sentence.

"Like a ghost, I wonder around this house..."

Hm, I think you mean "wAnder."

"...and wish we lived on the ceiling instead of the floor..."

Heh, that's such a ME thing to say. Honestly, my friends wouldn't be surprised if one day I said, "You know, I wish we lived on the ceiling instead of the floor." :D How can I not love a line like that?

I think you use commas a bit too much. In some places semi-colon would work better, in some a colon, in some a period; and sometimes you don't need anything at all.

Beautiful ending: "Ghosts sleep, too, but only because they are waiting for the rapture of being nothing. And I am so close."

Excellent piece. Kudos.

Ha det

7/12/2008 c1 criti-sized
Great short. I like the tense moments in it that you had,and the writing, though it switches tenses, is an interesting way to write... It fit the short.


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