for we rub our hands in desperation8/11/2008 c1 
5loves him
[swallows my toes] and [collide with stick legs] make her sound so fragile, like she'll break at the slightest touch or be consumed if the earth moves too much.
[long forgotten tourists] if she remembers the tourists, then i wonder how long she has been alone, standing on this beach.
[oh,
how she misses you.] Is there meaning behind your formatting? I'm asking, because all of your words seem like you've thought about them and so, you'd probably consider spacing to be of importance as well.
Your words weave a picture and again, it is obvious that thought has gone into each word. I really enjoy that, because most of the time (unfortunately) authors don't consider that too much. Great job.
5loves him[swallows my toes] and [collide with stick legs] make her sound so fragile, like she'll break at the slightest touch or be consumed if the earth moves too much.
[long forgotten tourists] if she remembers the tourists, then i wonder how long she has been alone, standing on this beach.
[oh,
how she misses you.] Is there meaning behind your formatting? I'm asking, because all of your words seem like you've thought about them and so, you'd probably consider spacing to be of importance as well.
Your words weave a picture and again, it is obvious that thought has gone into each word. I really enjoy that, because most of the time (unfortunately) authors don't consider that too much. Great job.
7/28/2008 c1 Ernest Bloom
Got some insightful reviews here. My question is this: she says she misses you in amongst layers of sand? Face down and muttering buried in a beach...I don't think so.
Got some insightful reviews here. My question is this: she says she misses you in amongst layers of sand? Face down and muttering buried in a beach...I don't think so.
7/16/2008 c1 14catewigs
A few suggestions, perhaps?
Try not to overuse 'and', unless you have a good reason to do it. This piece seems to desire to be more sharp and abrupt, but the 'ands' really spoil that, in addition to distracting from the images you're projecting.
Generally, I like the image you've used. The ocean's almost hypnotic song seems to echo both the unforgiving, as well as the pain of drawing air into your lungs (as the waves are drawn repeatedly back into the sea) when you're in the midst of a troubled relationship. Ties nicely in with the end line. Although, I'm not really sure what feeling you're trying to project- that is also kind of blurry. When you say 'how she misses you', is it meant to be comforting, hurtful, or detached?
14catewigsA few suggestions, perhaps?
Try not to overuse 'and', unless you have a good reason to do it. This piece seems to desire to be more sharp and abrupt, but the 'ands' really spoil that, in addition to distracting from the images you're projecting.
Generally, I like the image you've used. The ocean's almost hypnotic song seems to echo both the unforgiving, as well as the pain of drawing air into your lungs (as the waves are drawn repeatedly back into the sea) when you're in the midst of a troubled relationship. Ties nicely in with the end line. Although, I'm not really sure what feeling you're trying to project- that is also kind of blurry. When you say 'how she misses you', is it meant to be comforting, hurtful, or detached?
7/14/2008 c1 29Yasona Black
I like it. I love how it is written, but i want more to it. I want more to the story. i love the title, but there's nothing about hands in the story, and i don't feel the desperation...
29Yasona BlackI like it. I love how it is written, but i want more to it. I want more to the story. i love the title, but there's nothing about hands in the story, and i don't feel the desperation...
7/13/2008 c1 57empathic life
I love the imagery you used in this, and how you painted the setting. The entire poem seems quite disconnected from the last three lines, but that's certainly the beauty of it. I felt a sense of timelessness throughout, from the ocean's secrets to the forgotten tourists. It seemed so... desolate. Tragically poignant. All in all, a lovely poem, although I would've liked to have seen even more description of the setting, to create a bit more contrast between the detachment of the majority of the poem and the sudden intimacy the last three lines introduce.
57empathic lifeI love the imagery you used in this, and how you painted the setting. The entire poem seems quite disconnected from the last three lines, but that's certainly the beauty of it. I felt a sense of timelessness throughout, from the ocean's secrets to the forgotten tourists. It seemed so... desolate. Tragically poignant. All in all, a lovely poem, although I would've liked to have seen even more description of the setting, to create a bit more contrast between the detachment of the majority of the poem and the sudden intimacy the last three lines introduce.
7/13/2008 c1 306Ashelin
I liked the ocean imagery you used. Though when you said "stick legs" it made me feel as if you should float away, fragile and thin against the ever persistent sea. Not sure if you wanted that, but that's what my mind does, I suppose. It was interesting how you made the ocean a woman, though honestly I suppose many people do. I though it was sort of short and vague, leaving perhaps too much room for our minds to wander, but that can also be something to admire in a poem. Overall I think you did well. Good job.
306AshelinI liked the ocean imagery you used. Though when you said "stick legs" it made me feel as if you should float away, fragile and thin against the ever persistent sea. Not sure if you wanted that, but that's what my mind does, I suppose. It was interesting how you made the ocean a woman, though honestly I suppose many people do. I though it was sort of short and vague, leaving perhaps too much room for our minds to wander, but that can also be something to admire in a poem. Overall I think you did well. Good job.
7/13/2008 c1 30J.N. Lloyd
This was absolutely beautiful! The imagery was perfect and so serene, I loved it!
30J.N. LloydThis was absolutely beautiful! The imagery was perfect and so serene, I loved it!