5/4/2009 c3 5Midori Ushi Law
I'm going to go with the assumption that the majority of your stories are on a hiatus at the moment. This is pretty good for such a fun little story.

I actually enjoyed the way you portrayed the dialogue of the drunk dude telling the muffin joke. The way he said it was funnier than the actual joke lol.

Opening the story with Kate walking down the street was nice, since it set her up to be in the scene with Shane being drunk, but I wondered why she was there in the first place and how late it was at night for some female to be conveniently walking down the street around the same time that some people would get drunk...

Shane and Kate's character development and relationship is obvious. They care for each other, but they're so opposite of one another that they seem to repel more than they attract. This showed a sense of realism to these guys that is worth smiling about lol.

The Ending still leaves me with a sense of mystery. I'm wondering what's so spooky about Drake unless you are still thinking of applying the vampire concept in the story. Though this is made for fun, it was really good for what I've seen so far.

GOOD READ

10/26/2008 c1 Link Broken
this sounds like a lot of fun. gr8 idea!

10/22/2008 c2 Starleaf
This is a good idea, I used to read these on Fanfiction dot net. Although this isn't my kind of story I notice that your grammar is much better in this one.

It got interesting toward the end, with the dark figure and all, but it was a bit confusing. He seemed to want to help Shane at first, then got all creepy. I guess I'll read the next chapter to find out, haha.

Again, you forgot to capitalize here or there, but that's about it.

8/27/2008 c2 4Kinderwhore
I'd like to start this review by pointing out that I'm pretty sure choose-your-own-adventure stories aren't allowed on FP, but don't take my word for it. ...As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure I read that on another site; just thought I'd warn you just in case it WAS Fictionpress!

I think you introduced your main character well: the moment she starts playing the guitar, we know she's a musician - we can guess she's in a band (but it's a good thing you confirmed it). That being said, it'd be nice if you described her a bit more; nothing too in-depth, but detailed enough. All I know is that Kate is female; I have no idea what she looks like, and the same could be said of Shane for that matter. (I actually know more about what Drake looks like, and somehow I don't think he's the main character...)

I've got to admit, whilst I was reading this I kept getting distracted by all your typos; lowercase i's where uppercase I's should be, confusing its with it's... Have you considered getting a beta?

Plot-wise, I'm going to be brutally honest: I think you could do better. I understand that, what with this being a choose-your-adventure story, you can't have COMPLETE planning control over what happens, but whilst reading the outlines I got the impression that you had no idea what to do with this story; you just wanted to write it for the sake of writing it. If you look at published pick-your-own stories, you'll find that the authors tend to have a definite plot in mind, but obviously with different strands and alternate endings, and I think that's what you could do here. I mean, there are times when I'll be writing a story and think, 'What should happen now, A or B?' and quite honestly that's how these sort of stories are meant to function. The reader(s) shouldn't have COMPLETE control because at the end of the day, YOU'RE the one telling the story.

I'm not trying to criticise you or tell you how to write or anything, and I hope I don't come across that way; I'm just saying that this is a very interesting concept, and I think you could do so much more with it.

Hope I was somewhat helpful, and didn't lecture you too much! :)

8/27/2008 c3 Alaxe
I like the idea and the fact you are really trying to keep the readers on the same page as you. I don't like so much, the fact that in the rules and regs. thingy that people are supposed to read it clearly states no choose your own adventure, however I DO like how you are managing it. So...nice job, nice story, its serious, slightly funny, and a great quick read.

8/19/2008 c3 2Morohtar
Okay, let's take a look at this thing!

Firstly, you write the actual story REALLY well. I think you've captured the "drunk chavs out on the piss" thing perfectly, and this is a very hard thing to do without it seeming utterly stupid and drunk itself. Good work on that!

The two halves of it are cool as well - seeing the drunk moment through the eyes of the sober, and the aftermath though a hangover. You manage to distinguish the characters very well, and create a good relationship with limited dialog.

I think that the criticism I would make is simply in a matter of the form of the story - the choose-your-own-adventure style is . . . well, I think, frankly, that your writing is good enough to stand on its own without gimicks, and that you can probably choose your own plot points and direction to take it.

But, since you asked at the end of the chapter . . .

I think that a Vampire plot would be a cool addition to it, and if well-handled would be good.

A good story indeed!

7/31/2008 c2 6concerto49
Think first time I got around to review you :) So happens.

Part 1...

Ok, so there's a band in need of money, and hence their writing a song, whilst you set that up nicely, and definitely the dialog pushes that out well (even gives the character some strength), it'd be a bit better to perhaps mention a bit about their goal on the future, e.g. what they want to achieve as a band. The dialog was light and suited the characters. This is probably the best aspect of the chapter, that the characters actually play it out, and makes the whole story fun. Oh, and I could infer, but you never actually said where she was unless I totally missed it. There was a table and something else, but not location.

Children song's aren't my style...so I'll have to give that a pass.

Part 2...

Why are they arguing and about what? I guess you'll explain that later. I guess the ending was a little left-in-the-dark. Perhaps in this situation, you'd have Shane about to react before the choice, e.g. describe a bit of his emotions, and do a sort-of mini-cliff-hanger styled suspense ending to hold the readers up so they'd really want to choose.

I pick b) although the his character does feel like he'll do a) more.

3. Band Camp? There's too less information about the story to decide on a proper title except 2 people arguing about something, and the Kate that is having troubles writing a song.