for To Never Die12/8/2008 c5 FuckMeAlice
Wow, it's been forever since I reviewed this. I really like the new material. Retna's still an appealing character, and Lance sounds like he's hiding something, though you can't be sure with these guys. Good job.
-Stardust.
Wow, it's been forever since I reviewed this. I really like the new material. Retna's still an appealing character, and Lance sounds like he's hiding something, though you can't be sure with these guys. Good job.
-Stardust.
11/11/2008 c4 criti-sized
The story just keeps getting more and more interesting. The suspense in it seems more intense than anything else, and teh characters are realistic... Except Lance, he's a mystery.
Great chapter, sorry that the review came so late.
C.S.
The story just keeps getting more and more interesting. The suspense in it seems more intense than anything else, and teh characters are realistic... Except Lance, he's a mystery.
Great chapter, sorry that the review came so late.
C.S.
10/31/2008 c1 
9Greatheart
You have a poetic style. Watch that some of your descriptions don't get too repetitive or list-like (i.e. gray clouds, red sky, extraordinary pace, dilapidated house all in the same sentence).
I think some of your sentences might be a bit too long. They're not exactly run-ons, but on some of them, you almost lose track of the beginning of the sentence by the time you reach the end.
After the little beginning section with the house, I would put in some sort of separation. The sudden jump from her day dream to reality was so sudden that it was actually kind of confusing.
I liked the friendly banter between the three friends; it was very natural.
You're a good writer, and I'm curious to see where this goes.
9GreatheartYou have a poetic style. Watch that some of your descriptions don't get too repetitive or list-like (i.e. gray clouds, red sky, extraordinary pace, dilapidated house all in the same sentence).
I think some of your sentences might be a bit too long. They're not exactly run-ons, but on some of them, you almost lose track of the beginning of the sentence by the time you reach the end.
After the little beginning section with the house, I would put in some sort of separation. The sudden jump from her day dream to reality was so sudden that it was actually kind of confusing.
I liked the friendly banter between the three friends; it was very natural.
You're a good writer, and I'm curious to see where this goes.
10/16/2008 c4 FuckMeAlice
Hoo boy, things just keep on getting better and better. Just a question about Lance- is he a vampire or has he just got accelerated healing powers? Or is he... something else?
I love this chapter, and your habit of introducing new characters at the end of chapters makes me very anxious to read more. Good job!
-Stardust.
Hoo boy, things just keep on getting better and better. Just a question about Lance- is he a vampire or has he just got accelerated healing powers? Or is he... something else?
I love this chapter, and your habit of introducing new characters at the end of chapters makes me very anxious to read more. Good job!
-Stardust.
10/16/2008 c3 FuckMeAlice
Wow, long chapter. I love long chapters.
I love the turn of events here. Retna's fascination with the graveyard greatly amused me for some reason, and I think I like the character of Lance way too much. Retna's situation is pretty lamentable though- dad's gone for a month and of course the first thing she does is get herself locked in a possessed house. Brilliant.
Going to find out what happens next.
-Stardust.
Wow, long chapter. I love long chapters.
I love the turn of events here. Retna's fascination with the graveyard greatly amused me for some reason, and I think I like the character of Lance way too much. Retna's situation is pretty lamentable though- dad's gone for a month and of course the first thing she does is get herself locked in a possessed house. Brilliant.
Going to find out what happens next.
-Stardust.
10/16/2008 c2 FuckMeAlice
And so the suspens you've been laying out since the last chapter comes back to bite me in the butt. I was so tense throughout the opening sequence, wating for something bad to happen.
And then you delivered. Boy, did you deliver...
A bit of a twist near the end. Good job with the description and narrative as usual.
-Stardust.
And so the suspens you've been laying out since the last chapter comes back to bite me in the butt. I was so tense throughout the opening sequence, wating for something bad to happen.
And then you delivered. Boy, did you deliver...
A bit of a twist near the end. Good job with the description and narrative as usual.
-Stardust.
10/16/2008 c1 FuckMeAlice
First of all, your description puts a huge creepy smile on my face. Paints a picture in my head. Wow. If I've reviewed your work before, chances are I've commented on your description, but it deserves acknowledgement.
Also I love Retna's name. Retna brings to mind Retina, which brings to mind eyes, which makes me think she has a very vivid imagination which will no doubt enrich later chapters.
And that guy at the end of the chapter... sounds cool.
You got my attention. Onto the next chapter!
-Stardust.
First of all, your description puts a huge creepy smile on my face. Paints a picture in my head. Wow. If I've reviewed your work before, chances are I've commented on your description, but it deserves acknowledgement.
Also I love Retna's name. Retna brings to mind Retina, which brings to mind eyes, which makes me think she has a very vivid imagination which will no doubt enrich later chapters.
And that guy at the end of the chapter... sounds cool.
You got my attention. Onto the next chapter!
-Stardust.
10/2/2008 c3 criti-sized
Great chapter. The beginning scenario was neat, and the end was better. An entire month away from her father, wow, she's lucky, lol.
There were a few typos in it, and a few sentences that seemed like they had a bit too much in it to be necessary, but over all the chapter was great.
C.S.
Great chapter. The beginning scenario was neat, and the end was better. An entire month away from her father, wow, she's lucky, lol.
There were a few typos in it, and a few sentences that seemed like they had a bit too much in it to be necessary, but over all the chapter was great.
C.S.
10/2/2008 c1 5ArchDemonNotion
It sounds like a screen play, probably because the description is more conformed, like seeing it through a lens. It's focused whereas you would expect fiction writing to be more open and tangible. Your words are directing my mind, much like cinematography.
"fierce-some" is one word I believe.
too many compound sentences. Break it up a bit. "With the clouds racing behind it, it seemed to be swaying back and forth almost as if it were alive and breathing." I found that one to be clunky. I would even rewrite or chop it up. Sometime similiar but simple. Hemmingway. "It" is so passive. Be more assertive and go for the active voice. "The house was alive and breathing." is much more direct and more dynamic than a long winded summary.
"As her name was being called again the hands captured her and she was pulled towards the crippled porch and the door that led inside." -as this happened and that happened. Chop it up.
"Retna looked up from her compilation of complex thoughts" What is so complex about day dreaming? even if it was a vivid day dream
"Her name-brand blouse and jeans..." probably isn't a good subject for a sentence. also if you are going to use 'name-brand' I would name A brand instead of using lazy writing.
*stopped here*
"Meghan exaggerated a sigh." How would one exaggerate a sigh? I think you were going for exasperated. I would use "Meghan sighed."
It's okay to leave some things up to the reader. We can imagine so much from a little sentence. We may not see the same thing you see, but it's close enough and probably better this way as you aren't forcing us to mold images in our mind. It's an awful lot of work for us poor readers.
Keep on writing. You have great talent although I'm not catching onto this story. I hope my comments thus far have helped in anyway. Also feel free to ignore them.
5ArchDemonNotionIt sounds like a screen play, probably because the description is more conformed, like seeing it through a lens. It's focused whereas you would expect fiction writing to be more open and tangible. Your words are directing my mind, much like cinematography.
"fierce-some" is one word I believe.
too many compound sentences. Break it up a bit. "With the clouds racing behind it, it seemed to be swaying back and forth almost as if it were alive and breathing." I found that one to be clunky. I would even rewrite or chop it up. Sometime similiar but simple. Hemmingway. "It" is so passive. Be more assertive and go for the active voice. "The house was alive and breathing." is much more direct and more dynamic than a long winded summary.
"As her name was being called again the hands captured her and she was pulled towards the crippled porch and the door that led inside." -as this happened and that happened. Chop it up.
"Retna looked up from her compilation of complex thoughts" What is so complex about day dreaming? even if it was a vivid day dream
"Her name-brand blouse and jeans..." probably isn't a good subject for a sentence. also if you are going to use 'name-brand' I would name A brand instead of using lazy writing.
*stopped here*
"Meghan exaggerated a sigh." How would one exaggerate a sigh? I think you were going for exasperated. I would use "Meghan sighed."
It's okay to leave some things up to the reader. We can imagine so much from a little sentence. We may not see the same thing you see, but it's close enough and probably better this way as you aren't forcing us to mold images in our mind. It's an awful lot of work for us poor readers.
Keep on writing. You have great talent although I'm not catching onto this story. I hope my comments thus far have helped in anyway. Also feel free to ignore them.
9/30/2008 c1 10Caecilia
[ stood ridged as she stared ] I think you mean 'rigid', not ridged.
[The harsh wind whipped...to turn her back to the wind] Using 'the wind' at the beginning and ending of the sentence doesn't sound very good, I think. Maybe turn the second one into 'it'.
[the two persons standing in front of her] 'persons' should be 'people'.
Very interesting start. There's some parts where you use some words that you don't need to, and it might sound better if you didn't though. Good writing too.
Great job, good start to a story.
~Caecilia, At The Roadhouse
10Caecilia[ stood ridged as she stared ] I think you mean 'rigid', not ridged.
[The harsh wind whipped...to turn her back to the wind] Using 'the wind' at the beginning and ending of the sentence doesn't sound very good, I think. Maybe turn the second one into 'it'.
[the two persons standing in front of her] 'persons' should be 'people'.
Very interesting start. There's some parts where you use some words that you don't need to, and it might sound better if you didn't though. Good writing too.
Great job, good start to a story.
~Caecilia, At The Roadhouse
9/28/2008 c3 8Violent Messiah
I seriously meant to do this days ago, like when you asked, so sorry it's late...
Anyway, the opening scene with the vines was great. Ever gonna tell how and why that happened exactly, hm?
When Retna and Drew have issues over the dagger, her reaction brings up a question: Is the resulting happening from her holding the knife or does it come from her personally?
"Every memorized detail was in place with astounding accuracy it took her breath away" - Is it me or should it be "with such astounding"?
"“What was that?” Retna demanded." and in the same paragraph "“What is going on?” she demanded." - Maybe just personal taste, but perhaps one of those 'demanded' could be something like 'insisted' or the like?
"“What are you going to do?” she demanded." - Heh...demanding chick, isn't she? -=p
"He looked at her than to the window." - Think you mean 'then'...
The scene in the house, by the way, was fantastic. Not sure what the hell was happening there, but it was very cool.
Pretty good stuff. Hopefully in the upcoming chapters you'll explain a few things about Lance, the dagger, the house and what they all have to do with Retna. Till next chapter...Cheers!
8Violent MessiahI seriously meant to do this days ago, like when you asked, so sorry it's late...
Anyway, the opening scene with the vines was great. Ever gonna tell how and why that happened exactly, hm?
When Retna and Drew have issues over the dagger, her reaction brings up a question: Is the resulting happening from her holding the knife or does it come from her personally?
"Every memorized detail was in place with astounding accuracy it took her breath away" - Is it me or should it be "with such astounding"?
"“What was that?” Retna demanded." and in the same paragraph "“What is going on?” she demanded." - Maybe just personal taste, but perhaps one of those 'demanded' could be something like 'insisted' or the like?
"“What are you going to do?” she demanded." - Heh...demanding chick, isn't she? -=p
"He looked at her than to the window." - Think you mean 'then'...
The scene in the house, by the way, was fantastic. Not sure what the hell was happening there, but it was very cool.
Pretty good stuff. Hopefully in the upcoming chapters you'll explain a few things about Lance, the dagger, the house and what they all have to do with Retna. Till next chapter...Cheers!
8/27/2008 c2 2fluidwriter
Really, really good story so far. The details in this story is flawless and love the characters lol. Good job
2fluidwriterReally, really good story so far. The details in this story is flawless and love the characters lol. Good job
8/15/2008 c1 9maxwell's other demon
i liked it. your punctuation and grammar need slight work. fearsome is one word, no hyphen.i like that the story doesnt feel rushed.details and nuances are left to sink in.nice.
9maxwell's other demoni liked it. your punctuation and grammar need slight work. fearsome is one word, no hyphen.i like that the story doesnt feel rushed.details and nuances are left to sink in.nice.
8/9/2008 c2 criti-sized
Wow, I'm curious to see what's going to happen next. I liked this chapter. It showed a different light than the first chapter, and actually gave a sense of horror, I guess.
I'm waiting for the next chapter.
C.S.
Wow, I'm curious to see what's going to happen next. I liked this chapter. It showed a different light than the first chapter, and actually gave a sense of horror, I guess.
I'm waiting for the next chapter.
C.S.