for To Never Die6/30/2010 c11 
12Caleb Kruspe
Whoa-ho-ho-ho that was a very action packed edge of the seat ch to date. Now we finally get a glimpse of what may have been in the basement and why Lance was so adament on keeping the door shut.
The details were excellent, and the action fast paced, overall, awesome job on everything. Especially on Lance's breakdown at the very end.
12Caleb KruspeWhoa-ho-ho-ho that was a very action packed edge of the seat ch to date. Now we finally get a glimpse of what may have been in the basement and why Lance was so adament on keeping the door shut.
The details were excellent, and the action fast paced, overall, awesome job on everything. Especially on Lance's breakdown at the very end.
6/14/2010 c10 Caleb Kruspe
Woah, I see you've got some serious character backplaying going on here. I didn't realize Lance had an 'assistant' keeping tabs on Retna when he wasn't able to.
Oh poor Lance, just can't seem to catch a break can he? I sure hope things get better for him, but I'm afraid it may be too little too late, especially after getting knocked down into the basement.
That was really creepy with the two mystery characters and the bleached skull, but also very thought provoking.
Woah, I see you've got some serious character backplaying going on here. I didn't realize Lance had an 'assistant' keeping tabs on Retna when he wasn't able to.
Oh poor Lance, just can't seem to catch a break can he? I sure hope things get better for him, but I'm afraid it may be too little too late, especially after getting knocked down into the basement.
That was really creepy with the two mystery characters and the bleached skull, but also very thought provoking.
6/14/2010 c9 Caleb Kruspe
*shudders* The primary contents of this chapter involving getting stuck under water without a way out echoes the nightmares I have every so often about the same ideas. All the time I was reading this, I was forcing myself to keep at it and not skip ahead to the next chapter. That's how close you've gotten with the feelings of underwater entrapment, so mega kuddos to you.
With that said, it seems Selena's really going full force with these two at any chance possible. You're really doing a fantastic job with creating a suspenseful feel while keeping everything action packed. Please do keep up the good work.
Onto the next ch. :)
*shudders* The primary contents of this chapter involving getting stuck under water without a way out echoes the nightmares I have every so often about the same ideas. All the time I was reading this, I was forcing myself to keep at it and not skip ahead to the next chapter. That's how close you've gotten with the feelings of underwater entrapment, so mega kuddos to you.
With that said, it seems Selena's really going full force with these two at any chance possible. You're really doing a fantastic job with creating a suspenseful feel while keeping everything action packed. Please do keep up the good work.
Onto the next ch. :)
6/14/2010 c8 Caleb Kruspe
oh ho ho ho it's getting really interesting now. Now I'm seeing more and more of Selena's powers not only with the scalpel but with reanimating dead bodies! WTF! Now more than ever I'm anxious to find out what happens next.
oh ho ho ho it's getting really interesting now. Now I'm seeing more and more of Selena's powers not only with the scalpel but with reanimating dead bodies! WTF! Now more than ever I'm anxious to find out what happens next.
6/14/2010 c7 Caleb Kruspe
Wow. That's all I can say, wow. I'm warming up to Lance, but I'm still kind of suspecious of him so he'd better behave...
So that's how he's helping her out after the attacks. The way you wrote the scene with him digging out the glass pellets was vivid yet also realistic, and the use of the kife was top notch. I even like how he carried her upstairs and put her in the tub still very much clothed, as that points out he's not much of a perv.
Wow. That's all I can say, wow. I'm warming up to Lance, but I'm still kind of suspecious of him so he'd better behave...
So that's how he's helping her out after the attacks. The way you wrote the scene with him digging out the glass pellets was vivid yet also realistic, and the use of the kife was top notch. I even like how he carried her upstairs and put her in the tub still very much clothed, as that points out he's not much of a perv.
6/14/2010 c6 Caleb Kruspe
Whoa, Lance did that? To the guy in the robes! Wow, that was awesome. This is going to sound silly, but was that a flashback while he was reading the book, or did it happen current time but before Retna came in?
Very good work on answering one question about a missing classmate but creating another about what's in the basement, makes me want to keep reading to find out.
Anyhow, onto the next chapter.
Whoa, Lance did that? To the guy in the robes! Wow, that was awesome. This is going to sound silly, but was that a flashback while he was reading the book, or did it happen current time but before Retna came in?
Very good work on answering one question about a missing classmate but creating another about what's in the basement, makes me want to keep reading to find out.
Anyhow, onto the next chapter.
6/8/2010 c5 Caleb Kruspe
"You mean the emo-looking Goth kid who looks stoned half the time?" Bwahahaha-haha-ha! Oh d* that was rich!
Selena, hmm, sounds exotic, possibly a tad fiesty, though.
Overall, good work on the chapter and the character interactions. Especially at the end and the raining glass. Sounds like that would hurt like h*.
There's one thing I'm concerned about though, it says she pulled out the glass shards and passed out; depending on where the glass landed and how far it punctured her, in theory she would be at risk for massive blood loss. Especially if she passed out and couldn't do anything to stem the blood flow. Just my thoughts about it though.
"You mean the emo-looking Goth kid who looks stoned half the time?" Bwahahaha-haha-ha! Oh d* that was rich!
Selena, hmm, sounds exotic, possibly a tad fiesty, though.
Overall, good work on the chapter and the character interactions. Especially at the end and the raining glass. Sounds like that would hurt like h*.
There's one thing I'm concerned about though, it says she pulled out the glass shards and passed out; depending on where the glass landed and how far it punctured her, in theory she would be at risk for massive blood loss. Especially if she passed out and couldn't do anything to stem the blood flow. Just my thoughts about it though.
6/8/2010 c4 Caleb Kruspe
oh ho ho ho the plot thickens, who are the mystery characters at the end of the chapter? And I'm still trying to place Lance, he's acting like the caring good guy but I have a sense he's more than that, though I could be wrong there.
Now, if I may, there were a few parts that felt a little rushed; mainly with Lance in the house with the bracelet? And with Retna in the graveyard as the 'unseen force' took her down.
Where you had me saying "oh man that's so true" was at the start of the chapter and Eve's obviously very bad day and her car troubles, hope you don't mind a mechanics diagnosis.
By grinding internals, and the car not going further even with gunning the engine, I suspect it's a transmission/transaxle depending on the type of car. A green liquid on the street would be a symptom of a cooling system problem - whether it be the radiater, a hose, water pump or a blown gasket which would also cripple the car if left untreated too long. Okay, I'll end my info dump now.
oh ho ho ho the plot thickens, who are the mystery characters at the end of the chapter? And I'm still trying to place Lance, he's acting like the caring good guy but I have a sense he's more than that, though I could be wrong there.
Now, if I may, there were a few parts that felt a little rushed; mainly with Lance in the house with the bracelet? And with Retna in the graveyard as the 'unseen force' took her down.
Where you had me saying "oh man that's so true" was at the start of the chapter and Eve's obviously very bad day and her car troubles, hope you don't mind a mechanics diagnosis.
By grinding internals, and the car not going further even with gunning the engine, I suspect it's a transmission/transaxle depending on the type of car. A green liquid on the street would be a symptom of a cooling system problem - whether it be the radiater, a hose, water pump or a blown gasket which would also cripple the car if left untreated too long. Okay, I'll end my info dump now.
5/25/2010 c3 Caleb Kruspe
Whoa; no way! This chapter is just too... oh man it was...just utterly awesome!
I never would have guessed that the same guy from the crosswalk would be the one and only Lance that Drew battled with previously. And now she's got some idea of what's going on because of his 'abilities', which I'm not sure if he's a supernatural being per-say but I'm interested in finding out.
At first I thought the house might have been haunted but after reading this far into it I'm convinced there's a lot more going on behind the scenes so to speak.
First chance I get I've got to come back and read more.
Whoa; no way! This chapter is just too... oh man it was...just utterly awesome!
I never would have guessed that the same guy from the crosswalk would be the one and only Lance that Drew battled with previously. And now she's got some idea of what's going on because of his 'abilities', which I'm not sure if he's a supernatural being per-say but I'm interested in finding out.
At first I thought the house might have been haunted but after reading this far into it I'm convinced there's a lot more going on behind the scenes so to speak.
First chance I get I've got to come back and read more.
5/25/2010 c2 Caleb Kruspe
Wow! This was an intensly suspensful chapter that raises so many questions. How did Lance sneak in on Drew not only at the house but at the cemetary? What exactly was under the tarp in the basement? Unless...
I must say that was an aweseome scene at the end; injured and fighting for his life made me really feel for Drew's safety. Something tells me that Lance is not out of the story just yet, but I could be wrong.
Maybe I'll find out in the next chapter.
Wow! This was an intensly suspensful chapter that raises so many questions. How did Lance sneak in on Drew not only at the house but at the cemetary? What exactly was under the tarp in the basement? Unless...
I must say that was an aweseome scene at the end; injured and fighting for his life made me really feel for Drew's safety. Something tells me that Lance is not out of the story just yet, but I could be wrong.
Maybe I'll find out in the next chapter.
5/25/2010 c1 Caleb Kruspe
Hm, it seems I've found one that has caught my interest :)
Awsome work on the vivid description of the house at the begining of the chapter, and the characters, especially the odd boy at the crosswalk. I see you've put some serious work into the contrast of such a beautiful day as Retna walked home to the seemingly 'doom and gloom' of the guy at the light...that is if I'm reading it right.
Very nice on the approach of metaphor of her friends associating the old house to a personal like in the love interests.
Overall, great work. Onto the next chapter.
Hm, it seems I've found one that has caught my interest :)
Awsome work on the vivid description of the house at the begining of the chapter, and the characters, especially the odd boy at the crosswalk. I see you've put some serious work into the contrast of such a beautiful day as Retna walked home to the seemingly 'doom and gloom' of the guy at the light...that is if I'm reading it right.
Very nice on the approach of metaphor of her friends associating the old house to a personal like in the love interests.
Overall, great work. Onto the next chapter.
3/30/2010 c7 6The Saturday Storytellers
So, back to this story after a long time away!
Even though we're 7 chapters in, little has really been resolved about Lance. I'm still uncertain about his motivations - does he mean Retna any harm or is he her protector, or something in between. And if it's something between, just what, exactly? I'll also admit to finding Retna's character a bit hazy. I haven't really connected with her which is a shame because you've written a lot of her.
I'm currently baffled about why Lance is holding a satchel of glass beads. What's the point of this, or did I miss something in a previous chapter? I can't see why it's relevant.
That said, the opening scene has a chilling quality about it and I do remember Retna's incident in the previous chapter.
The following scene, which begins with Retna's coming-to, needs to be re-written, I think. The fact that it's quite a hefty paragraph doesn't sit well with the gradual gaining of consciousness and her shock at being dug into by the mysterious Lance and his dagger. It needs to feel faster, more immediate, more jagged. The actual drama going on in this bit is just great - there are many ways the story could go from here, especially considering the aura of mystery surrounding Lance. So the working parts of the story are just fine.
Ah yes, I forgot about Retna's vomiting of blood. And again, I feel that the storytelling is done in a very unemotional, factual way rather than focussing either on Lance's macabre deadness or Retna's horror. But neither appear to be present, unless you're trying to be unemotional to go with Lance's view of the whole thing. But again, I think it needs tempering with a faster pace. It's all very gothic, I'm just worried that the story doesn't connect, even on a sinister level, with the reader.
Lance is certainly obtuse - it's difficult to get him to make any sense. But he's the most distinctive of all the characters by a long distance. But Retna is very difficult to understand, too. Your final paragraph implies that the reader should know what her problem is (re: her flaws being monsters), but it just seemed to come out of nowhere. It's a shame that she comes across like this because she seems to be becoming the human counterpoint for Lance, so she needs to be more accessible to the reader.
6The Saturday StorytellersSo, back to this story after a long time away!
Even though we're 7 chapters in, little has really been resolved about Lance. I'm still uncertain about his motivations - does he mean Retna any harm or is he her protector, or something in between. And if it's something between, just what, exactly? I'll also admit to finding Retna's character a bit hazy. I haven't really connected with her which is a shame because you've written a lot of her.
I'm currently baffled about why Lance is holding a satchel of glass beads. What's the point of this, or did I miss something in a previous chapter? I can't see why it's relevant.
That said, the opening scene has a chilling quality about it and I do remember Retna's incident in the previous chapter.
The following scene, which begins with Retna's coming-to, needs to be re-written, I think. The fact that it's quite a hefty paragraph doesn't sit well with the gradual gaining of consciousness and her shock at being dug into by the mysterious Lance and his dagger. It needs to feel faster, more immediate, more jagged. The actual drama going on in this bit is just great - there are many ways the story could go from here, especially considering the aura of mystery surrounding Lance. So the working parts of the story are just fine.
Ah yes, I forgot about Retna's vomiting of blood. And again, I feel that the storytelling is done in a very unemotional, factual way rather than focussing either on Lance's macabre deadness or Retna's horror. But neither appear to be present, unless you're trying to be unemotional to go with Lance's view of the whole thing. But again, I think it needs tempering with a faster pace. It's all very gothic, I'm just worried that the story doesn't connect, even on a sinister level, with the reader.
Lance is certainly obtuse - it's difficult to get him to make any sense. But he's the most distinctive of all the characters by a long distance. But Retna is very difficult to understand, too. Your final paragraph implies that the reader should know what her problem is (re: her flaws being monsters), but it just seemed to come out of nowhere. It's a shame that she comes across like this because she seems to be becoming the human counterpoint for Lance, so she needs to be more accessible to the reader.
2/17/2010 c6 The Saturday Storytellers
"Retna looked at the circle of dried blood stained on the floor and covered her eyes. " Blimey. Did she cough that up or something? That actually is pretty serious. That suggests a medical time bomb to me - should she be going out? I'd say not, but it looks like she wants to ignore it.
"...mentally pouring over possible times ..." That should be 'poring'.
"Retna opened her eyes and looked at her and then at Brittany. “Yes?”" This should be its own paragraph, as first Megan, and then Retna, speak.
"She stopped outside the door and leaned up against the wall. “Oh no, Lance,” she whispered. “What have you done?” The fact that she picks up a paper and then walks out, and then says that, makes it sound like she must have opened thep aper and looked at it again, but it doesn't say she did. If she did, I think you need to mention that she looks at the paper. If not, the picking up of the paper seems like an irrelevant detail.
The way Lance's scene is written, it comes off as if the house has its own consciousness, is an actual character in the story. Is that deliberate? It's an interesting way of presenting the house as a plot element, if that is the case.
Generally, I get a sense with this chapter of being a bit detached. I understand that Lance might be because he's a monster of some kind, but I'm feeling something similar with everyone. Although I'd recommend a certain economy with emotional prose in the story, I think it needs it as a kind of echo for the reader, to back up the dialogue and actions.
Ah, now this attempt on Lance's life is good - the pacing works very well! Perhaps a few tweaks are needed to the verbiage, but you've got the pacing right, I think.
"“You wouldn’t by any chance have anything to do with the disappearance of one of our classmates, who coincidently disappeared on Friday night, would you?”" I realise that Retna is probably angry when she says this, but this feels too wordy.
I'ts interesting to watch Retna interact with Lance. The assumption I've always made with Lance is he's best left alone - for his own good and for others'. But she's just going in there and looking fearless, even if she's terrified, and doing what she needs to do. It creates a compelling antagonism, I think.
The pacing slows down again when they have that standoff and Retna is trying to have a conversation with him but he seems reluctant. A standoff is fine, but I feel the pacing just slows down too much.
The switch between Lance's scene and the next one with Retna (where she's sitting on a stool and doing schoolwork) is a bit confusing. My initial thought was that we'd literally just switched heads so we were seeing things from her perspective instead of his. Maybe you should clarify that some time has passed and if so, how much? Is this hours later, or a few days?
You seem to write a lot about the minute details of what's going on in this chapter - lots of information about the lighting and smoking of a pipe, for instance. I'm not sure whether this is meant to denote a silent tension between two characters, but it runs all the way through the chapter and makes it drag, I'm sorry to say.
- Pay back via Academy.
- From the Roadhouse.
"Retna looked at the circle of dried blood stained on the floor and covered her eyes. " Blimey. Did she cough that up or something? That actually is pretty serious. That suggests a medical time bomb to me - should she be going out? I'd say not, but it looks like she wants to ignore it.
"...mentally pouring over possible times ..." That should be 'poring'.
"Retna opened her eyes and looked at her and then at Brittany. “Yes?”" This should be its own paragraph, as first Megan, and then Retna, speak.
"She stopped outside the door and leaned up against the wall. “Oh no, Lance,” she whispered. “What have you done?” The fact that she picks up a paper and then walks out, and then says that, makes it sound like she must have opened thep aper and looked at it again, but it doesn't say she did. If she did, I think you need to mention that she looks at the paper. If not, the picking up of the paper seems like an irrelevant detail.
The way Lance's scene is written, it comes off as if the house has its own consciousness, is an actual character in the story. Is that deliberate? It's an interesting way of presenting the house as a plot element, if that is the case.
Generally, I get a sense with this chapter of being a bit detached. I understand that Lance might be because he's a monster of some kind, but I'm feeling something similar with everyone. Although I'd recommend a certain economy with emotional prose in the story, I think it needs it as a kind of echo for the reader, to back up the dialogue and actions.
Ah, now this attempt on Lance's life is good - the pacing works very well! Perhaps a few tweaks are needed to the verbiage, but you've got the pacing right, I think.
"“You wouldn’t by any chance have anything to do with the disappearance of one of our classmates, who coincidently disappeared on Friday night, would you?”" I realise that Retna is probably angry when she says this, but this feels too wordy.
I'ts interesting to watch Retna interact with Lance. The assumption I've always made with Lance is he's best left alone - for his own good and for others'. But she's just going in there and looking fearless, even if she's terrified, and doing what she needs to do. It creates a compelling antagonism, I think.
The pacing slows down again when they have that standoff and Retna is trying to have a conversation with him but he seems reluctant. A standoff is fine, but I feel the pacing just slows down too much.
The switch between Lance's scene and the next one with Retna (where she's sitting on a stool and doing schoolwork) is a bit confusing. My initial thought was that we'd literally just switched heads so we were seeing things from her perspective instead of his. Maybe you should clarify that some time has passed and if so, how much? Is this hours later, or a few days?
You seem to write a lot about the minute details of what's going on in this chapter - lots of information about the lighting and smoking of a pipe, for instance. I'm not sure whether this is meant to denote a silent tension between two characters, but it runs all the way through the chapter and makes it drag, I'm sorry to say.
- Pay back via Academy.
- From the Roadhouse.
2/8/2010 c5 The Saturday Storytellers
Nice, easygoing chapter this after a lot of dark heaviness previously. The conversation isn't a bad one, either. I like the little verbal hide and seek game that Retna's having to play and follow the chapter through hoping that she'll manage to keep her real comings and goings over the weekend secret. I think.
"Retna kept her arms crossed and held the sleeves taunt..." Aha, you've done it again ;) Taut/taunt.
On the subject of her physically trying to keep her injuries covered, didn't she have a chain around her neck so should have weals around there? How's she keeping those covered? A scarf, or something?
I wonder if you could exaggerate the girls' personalities a bit more, write them doing more of their respective mannerisms so that the reader can identify with each one more. I'm still having a bit of trouble keeping up with who is who, especially personality-wise.
Agh, she's blown her cover by losing her cool over Lance wanting to speak to her! Damn!
So we see Lance himself again and he has a conversation with Retna. Maybe we could do with a scene like that in the first chapter or early in the second. Just so we can get acquainted with him and how he relates to others his (apparent) age rather than weeding through big paragraphs and trying to piece together what he's like from that. It's an easier introduction, I think. Just a thought.
You seem to have done a sneaky POV shift mid-scene. We started off as Retna and are now seeing Lance's impressions of the world - well, of Retna. Perhaps a scene break just for the chance to switch viewpoints might be in order?
"“I am beginning to see things when I touch people. That guy in the cemetery who told me about you; I touched him and I saw what had happened..." Ah, okay. See, the description back when that happened was so dense I thought I was just reading her being introspective.
Yes, it's an uneasy truce they've got there, isn't it? I like this development. And I'm grateful to see a bit more of Lance.
That third-to-last paragraph is a bit too long - my rule of thumb is to have about four sentences in long chapters. Otherwise you start to get Text Wall of Doom syndrome. And readers with sore eyes.
"...she swayed and past out on the kitchen floor." Ah, I think she actually *passed* out.
- Please pay back via Academy.
- From the Roadhouse.
Nice, easygoing chapter this after a lot of dark heaviness previously. The conversation isn't a bad one, either. I like the little verbal hide and seek game that Retna's having to play and follow the chapter through hoping that she'll manage to keep her real comings and goings over the weekend secret. I think.
"Retna kept her arms crossed and held the sleeves taunt..." Aha, you've done it again ;) Taut/taunt.
On the subject of her physically trying to keep her injuries covered, didn't she have a chain around her neck so should have weals around there? How's she keeping those covered? A scarf, or something?
I wonder if you could exaggerate the girls' personalities a bit more, write them doing more of their respective mannerisms so that the reader can identify with each one more. I'm still having a bit of trouble keeping up with who is who, especially personality-wise.
Agh, she's blown her cover by losing her cool over Lance wanting to speak to her! Damn!
So we see Lance himself again and he has a conversation with Retna. Maybe we could do with a scene like that in the first chapter or early in the second. Just so we can get acquainted with him and how he relates to others his (apparent) age rather than weeding through big paragraphs and trying to piece together what he's like from that. It's an easier introduction, I think. Just a thought.
You seem to have done a sneaky POV shift mid-scene. We started off as Retna and are now seeing Lance's impressions of the world - well, of Retna. Perhaps a scene break just for the chance to switch viewpoints might be in order?
"“I am beginning to see things when I touch people. That guy in the cemetery who told me about you; I touched him and I saw what had happened..." Ah, okay. See, the description back when that happened was so dense I thought I was just reading her being introspective.
Yes, it's an uneasy truce they've got there, isn't it? I like this development. And I'm grateful to see a bit more of Lance.
That third-to-last paragraph is a bit too long - my rule of thumb is to have about four sentences in long chapters. Otherwise you start to get Text Wall of Doom syndrome. And readers with sore eyes.
"...she swayed and past out on the kitchen floor." Ah, I think she actually *passed* out.
- Please pay back via Academy.
- From the Roadhouse.
2/8/2010 c4 The Saturday Storytellers
"If it hadn’t been for her damn curling iron malfunctioning..." Perhaps an alternative word to 'malfunctioning' would fit here. Malfunctioning, to me, has connotations of electronic, rather than electrical, items going wrong.
"It was definitely a street no one could forget. Who in their right mind would want to live across the street from a cemetery?" I'd pretty much agree :P But the phrasing is a bit strange. I mean, an unforgettable street sounds a bit strange for a start (especially if it's unforgettable because of the cemetery. There are lots of those around, after all), but why would it being unforgettable make you not want to live there? I think a different choice of word is needed here, too.
I'm also starting to feel that all your characters have the same style of narrative. Your just-leaving-school-age lads both sounded like your rose-bearing girl and now this blonde woman sounds the same. I think she needs a more seasoned narrative. Give your characters different 'flavours' of what they become aware of and what they worry about and the choice of words you use and so on, and you should manage to make your characters stand out more as individuals.
I also feel that you're overdescribing some things, for example her attempts to fix the car. Scene-setting is fine but ease up on that a bit more often, I think, to keep things happening.
"He unwound the grime-covered chain from around his wrists and pulled it taunt." You say 'taunt' when you mean 'taut' (it seems) twice that I've seen so far. Just keep your eyes peeled for that!
Retna's part in this chapter seems to be the most engaging bit, so hers are the scenes you need to cut down on description the most, I think. Speed up the narrative so we get a sense of urgency with what's happening. You've set her up in what sounds like a dangerous situation, so tell the story at a fast rate and get our hearts racing!
I get a sense that you're making Lance's POV quite individual (like I suggested earlier), but I wonder if you could do so in fewer words. I think you could be equally effective in giving him that dark, tortured, confused and lonely air.
He's certainly a very alien creature. Blimey, where he's digging it sounds like he's literally tearing his own body apart. I can't help but wonder where he's going to go from there. Did you establish before that he heals unnaturally quickly or did I misunderstand?
I'm afraid I actually lost track of what happened here. So Retna was digging about in the ivy (and I wondered at the time whether the ivy would come back to life?) and then she seemed to find something heavy and go into the house where Lance became aware of her (is the house in the cemetery or was this some other building?) and now she seems to have been almost choked to death and Lance is saving her. I'm not convinced this is right, but it's how it looked. In that case, how did she become choked?
In the final scene, where is any of this happening? I get the impression you want to keep some of the details concealed, but some context would be nice. What am I supposed to be imagining? I realise I sound like I'm going back on my previous assertion that you need less description, but here you could do with a bit more.
They both - especially the woman - seem to be talking in quite a robotic way. Is that deliberate? Is she a professor or something? You might want to make that clear, otherwise she might just sound inorganically written to some.
- Please pay back via Academy.
- From the Roadhouse.
"If it hadn’t been for her damn curling iron malfunctioning..." Perhaps an alternative word to 'malfunctioning' would fit here. Malfunctioning, to me, has connotations of electronic, rather than electrical, items going wrong.
"It was definitely a street no one could forget. Who in their right mind would want to live across the street from a cemetery?" I'd pretty much agree :P But the phrasing is a bit strange. I mean, an unforgettable street sounds a bit strange for a start (especially if it's unforgettable because of the cemetery. There are lots of those around, after all), but why would it being unforgettable make you not want to live there? I think a different choice of word is needed here, too.
I'm also starting to feel that all your characters have the same style of narrative. Your just-leaving-school-age lads both sounded like your rose-bearing girl and now this blonde woman sounds the same. I think she needs a more seasoned narrative. Give your characters different 'flavours' of what they become aware of and what they worry about and the choice of words you use and so on, and you should manage to make your characters stand out more as individuals.
I also feel that you're overdescribing some things, for example her attempts to fix the car. Scene-setting is fine but ease up on that a bit more often, I think, to keep things happening.
"He unwound the grime-covered chain from around his wrists and pulled it taunt." You say 'taunt' when you mean 'taut' (it seems) twice that I've seen so far. Just keep your eyes peeled for that!
Retna's part in this chapter seems to be the most engaging bit, so hers are the scenes you need to cut down on description the most, I think. Speed up the narrative so we get a sense of urgency with what's happening. You've set her up in what sounds like a dangerous situation, so tell the story at a fast rate and get our hearts racing!
I get a sense that you're making Lance's POV quite individual (like I suggested earlier), but I wonder if you could do so in fewer words. I think you could be equally effective in giving him that dark, tortured, confused and lonely air.
He's certainly a very alien creature. Blimey, where he's digging it sounds like he's literally tearing his own body apart. I can't help but wonder where he's going to go from there. Did you establish before that he heals unnaturally quickly or did I misunderstand?
I'm afraid I actually lost track of what happened here. So Retna was digging about in the ivy (and I wondered at the time whether the ivy would come back to life?) and then she seemed to find something heavy and go into the house where Lance became aware of her (is the house in the cemetery or was this some other building?) and now she seems to have been almost choked to death and Lance is saving her. I'm not convinced this is right, but it's how it looked. In that case, how did she become choked?
In the final scene, where is any of this happening? I get the impression you want to keep some of the details concealed, but some context would be nice. What am I supposed to be imagining? I realise I sound like I'm going back on my previous assertion that you need less description, but here you could do with a bit more.
They both - especially the woman - seem to be talking in quite a robotic way. Is that deliberate? Is she a professor or something? You might want to make that clear, otherwise she might just sound inorganically written to some.
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