for To Never Die2/2/2010 c9 
34Lee Daniel
This is definitely adding to the intrigue. The near drowning was intense and I look forward to finding out exactly what Selena can do as well as why these two are such a threat to her and her companions.
34Lee DanielThis is definitely adding to the intrigue. The near drowning was intense and I look forward to finding out exactly what Selena can do as well as why these two are such a threat to her and her companions.
2/2/2010 c3 6The Saturday Storytellers
Blimey. We have conscious ivy? What on earth is this house? It's turning out to be a good story but personally I'm starting to need some kind of resolution - some small part of the answer to the riddle of who, or what, Lance is and what is so special about this house and so on. Doesn't have to be the whole thing, but as Dr. Evil said, "Throw me a frickin' bone here."
"She had a rose close to her chest, which was showing the first signs of wilting. She should have known it wouldn’t last long in the refrigerator." Really? flowers are produce just as much as fruit and veg. The best place to keep them fresh for longest is in the fridge. Hardly anyone actually does, of course, but her conviction that the fridge is what's caused it to start wilting is surprising. Unless the fridge is unusually cold or if she actually kept it in the freezer compartment. If it was kept below freezing then perhaps some of its cells have been ruptured, hence the wilting.
Retna's very gothic in nature, whether you intended her to be or not. But you don't seem prone to purple prose so thanks for that! I like her.
I find the pace of these chapters a bit slow, I'm afraid. They are quite heavy-going. That said, you said you wanted to publish this as a book sometime so it would probably be better-suited to black and white print rather than on the internet. People are less patient on the 'net so maybe I'm just falling victim to that. But at the moment it is seeming a bit slow, just so you know my stance on it.
On the subject of the pace being slow, you might want to change the pace or you might want to carve up the chapters a bit. This particular chapter, so a word count tells me, is 8,120 words. That's an awful lot. The biggest I dare make my chapters is 5,0ish and even then I get the occasional moan about it. So maybe you want to give us smaller installments, yes?
- Pay back via Academy.
- From the Roadhouse.
6The Saturday StorytellersBlimey. We have conscious ivy? What on earth is this house? It's turning out to be a good story but personally I'm starting to need some kind of resolution - some small part of the answer to the riddle of who, or what, Lance is and what is so special about this house and so on. Doesn't have to be the whole thing, but as Dr. Evil said, "Throw me a frickin' bone here."
"She had a rose close to her chest, which was showing the first signs of wilting. She should have known it wouldn’t last long in the refrigerator." Really? flowers are produce just as much as fruit and veg. The best place to keep them fresh for longest is in the fridge. Hardly anyone actually does, of course, but her conviction that the fridge is what's caused it to start wilting is surprising. Unless the fridge is unusually cold or if she actually kept it in the freezer compartment. If it was kept below freezing then perhaps some of its cells have been ruptured, hence the wilting.
Retna's very gothic in nature, whether you intended her to be or not. But you don't seem prone to purple prose so thanks for that! I like her.
I find the pace of these chapters a bit slow, I'm afraid. They are quite heavy-going. That said, you said you wanted to publish this as a book sometime so it would probably be better-suited to black and white print rather than on the internet. People are less patient on the 'net so maybe I'm just falling victim to that. But at the moment it is seeming a bit slow, just so you know my stance on it.
On the subject of the pace being slow, you might want to change the pace or you might want to carve up the chapters a bit. This particular chapter, so a word count tells me, is 8,120 words. That's an awful lot. The biggest I dare make my chapters is 5,0ish and even then I get the occasional moan about it. So maybe you want to give us smaller installments, yes?
- Pay back via Academy.
- From the Roadhouse.
1/21/2010 c8 34Lee Daniel
Excellently done. I especially appreciated your statement that the cemetery was lifeless, as usual. It is so simply stated and yet so deliciously morbid at the same time. I also love how irritating Lance seems to find Retna. It is funny to sit back and see that he holds secrets that could be key to her survival and yet she is obstinately refusing to cooperate with him.
34Lee DanielExcellently done. I especially appreciated your statement that the cemetery was lifeless, as usual. It is so simply stated and yet so deliciously morbid at the same time. I also love how irritating Lance seems to find Retna. It is funny to sit back and see that he holds secrets that could be key to her survival and yet she is obstinately refusing to cooperate with him.
1/20/2010 c7 Lee Daniel
well done. I look forward to seeing if Retna is finally willing to let Lance protect her and if he is finally willing to answer her questions.
well done. I look forward to seeing if Retna is finally willing to let Lance protect her and if he is finally willing to answer her questions.
1/19/2010 c6 Lee Daniel
Once again you have a very nice and intriguing chapter here. More mystery has been added to the people in robes. I like how you have still not answered who they are and why they want to kill Lance. The only critique I have is that you continue to use past when passed is the word of choice. Other than that, this was an excellent chapter.
Once again you have a very nice and intriguing chapter here. More mystery has been added to the people in robes. I like how you have still not answered who they are and why they want to kill Lance. The only critique I have is that you continue to use past when passed is the word of choice. Other than that, this was an excellent chapter.
1/19/2010 c5 Lee Daniel
Once again, this is excellently written. I love how you flash away from all of the paranormal activity an into the ordinary lives and conversations of high school students for a short period of time. It gives a nice break while leaving your readers in anticipation of the next source of anxiety. I also appreciate how you are in no hurry to throw a bunch of answers up to the questions you create. This keeps us intrigued. Well done.
Once again, this is excellently written. I love how you flash away from all of the paranormal activity an into the ordinary lives and conversations of high school students for a short period of time. It gives a nice break while leaving your readers in anticipation of the next source of anxiety. I also appreciate how you are in no hurry to throw a bunch of answers up to the questions you create. This keeps us intrigued. Well done.
1/19/2010 c4 Lee Daniel
This is a very nice chapter. I like the added intrigue at the very end. I look forward to finding out who these hooded figures are and why they want the boy and girl dead.
This is a very nice chapter. I like the added intrigue at the very end. I look forward to finding out who these hooded figures are and why they want the boy and girl dead.
1/17/2010 c4 TymCon
"She turned down another street yielding to the stop sign when the internals of the car started to grind together and she reluctantly pulled over to the curb and stopped the car.", kinda awkward. I think its because stop was mentioned twice(well it was stopped but its the smae:P) and so was car. Actually i dont actually think its that, its just theres no real description how it stopped. Like she brogh it to an abrupt halt or something. Sorry im not very good at saying what im trying to say.
"He unwound the grime-covered chain from around his wrists and pulled it taunt. “Sure thing.”", lol thats not a good sighn:P
"Lance was just a tad bit of his rock", I think that meant to be off?
"hadn’t gotten around to turning over"
"if Charles hadn’t already flipped it back over", you kinda mentioned the ivy not being flipped over a bit to much in this chapter.
"Her heart was racing, pounding against her ribcage giving internal bruises that inhibited her breathing.", Lol i took that literally and i was like what.
Oh thank god lance was ther to save her. And two cloaked evil figures about to attack. I like it:P
"She turned down another street yielding to the stop sign when the internals of the car started to grind together and she reluctantly pulled over to the curb and stopped the car.", kinda awkward. I think its because stop was mentioned twice(well it was stopped but its the smae:P) and so was car. Actually i dont actually think its that, its just theres no real description how it stopped. Like she brogh it to an abrupt halt or something. Sorry im not very good at saying what im trying to say.
"He unwound the grime-covered chain from around his wrists and pulled it taunt. “Sure thing.”", lol thats not a good sighn:P
"Lance was just a tad bit of his rock", I think that meant to be off?
"hadn’t gotten around to turning over"
"if Charles hadn’t already flipped it back over", you kinda mentioned the ivy not being flipped over a bit to much in this chapter.
"Her heart was racing, pounding against her ribcage giving internal bruises that inhibited her breathing.", Lol i took that literally and i was like what.
Oh thank god lance was ther to save her. And two cloaked evil figures about to attack. I like it:P
1/15/2010 c3 TymCon
"The side of his shirt was stained red and when he pulled up the cotton material he found that a thick stem of ivy had pushed itself inside the ragged flesh, keeping the wound from pulling together and stopping the blood flow", Is that meant that the ivy was stopping the skin from closing and stopping the blood flow, or that the ivy was stopping the blood flow? Could just be me who dos'nt understand:D
"He pulled on the vine but it held tightly to the inside of his skin. He gritted his teeth as he dug his fingers into the gaping hole. The thread-like roots wrapped themselves around his fingers and he tore them out, sending blood gushing onto the ground. The thick stem gave some slack and he pulled on it even harder. He grimaced as the blood stained line grew longer and longer like a magician’s line of scarves.", good bit of description made me wince and say ouch. Wich caused everybody in the room to look at me strangely:P
"He got the impression that she still thought he was suspicious of her, which was better than her being suspicious of him but why would she want to keep the dagger?", I think there should be a comma before but. It sounds better.
"splinters flew out and twisted around each other like sinews collecting each piece to form an appendage.", good bit of description there, i found it impossible to imagine without that sentence.
"She screamed as a wood beam past overhead narrowly taking off her head.", there should be a went before past, or change past to passed. Although im not entirley sure about that.
Well that was an intresting chapter. Very few mistakes in such a long chapter and go you on the lenght! For the life of me i cant write long chapters. Lance seems intresting and enigmatic, Retna seems morbid and suprisingly calm when all this was happening and Drew seems very realistic.
"The side of his shirt was stained red and when he pulled up the cotton material he found that a thick stem of ivy had pushed itself inside the ragged flesh, keeping the wound from pulling together and stopping the blood flow", Is that meant that the ivy was stopping the skin from closing and stopping the blood flow, or that the ivy was stopping the blood flow? Could just be me who dos'nt understand:D
"He pulled on the vine but it held tightly to the inside of his skin. He gritted his teeth as he dug his fingers into the gaping hole. The thread-like roots wrapped themselves around his fingers and he tore them out, sending blood gushing onto the ground. The thick stem gave some slack and he pulled on it even harder. He grimaced as the blood stained line grew longer and longer like a magician’s line of scarves.", good bit of description made me wince and say ouch. Wich caused everybody in the room to look at me strangely:P
"He got the impression that she still thought he was suspicious of her, which was better than her being suspicious of him but why would she want to keep the dagger?", I think there should be a comma before but. It sounds better.
"splinters flew out and twisted around each other like sinews collecting each piece to form an appendage.", good bit of description there, i found it impossible to imagine without that sentence.
"She screamed as a wood beam past overhead narrowly taking off her head.", there should be a went before past, or change past to passed. Although im not entirley sure about that.
Well that was an intresting chapter. Very few mistakes in such a long chapter and go you on the lenght! For the life of me i cant write long chapters. Lance seems intresting and enigmatic, Retna seems morbid and suprisingly calm when all this was happening and Drew seems very realistic.
1/13/2010 c2 6The Saturday Storytellers
So Lance is our other main character? He's an intriguing one: apparently quite young, loner vampire living in an old house, alone. Nice thought on having a vampire (if that's what he is) with a lair.
He's remaining pretty inscrutible in this chapter so it's hard to say what to make of him. But it sounds like you've made him quite sensitive to outside stimuli and very vengeful, so that makes for a well-balanced villain. If he turns out to be a cut-and-dried villain and not a more, shall I say, incidental monster.
You might benefit from amending the end of this chapter so that the drama of the injury Lance sustains is in shorter paragraphs / sentences. It still feels a bit... glazed, or perhaps mellow, as it is. It's not definitely, objectively wrong, I just feel that, after a few relatively long paragraphs you might want to give your reader a bit of a wake-up by writing the drama in 'faster' terms.
Incidentally, I find it reassuring that you've written a chapter from an entirely female point of view and then one from entirely male ones. The fact that the feel of each chapter is very different, that you can texturise your writing like that is a positive thing.
6The Saturday StorytellersSo Lance is our other main character? He's an intriguing one: apparently quite young, loner vampire living in an old house, alone. Nice thought on having a vampire (if that's what he is) with a lair.
He's remaining pretty inscrutible in this chapter so it's hard to say what to make of him. But it sounds like you've made him quite sensitive to outside stimuli and very vengeful, so that makes for a well-balanced villain. If he turns out to be a cut-and-dried villain and not a more, shall I say, incidental monster.
You might benefit from amending the end of this chapter so that the drama of the injury Lance sustains is in shorter paragraphs / sentences. It still feels a bit... glazed, or perhaps mellow, as it is. It's not definitely, objectively wrong, I just feel that, after a few relatively long paragraphs you might want to give your reader a bit of a wake-up by writing the drama in 'faster' terms.
Incidentally, I find it reassuring that you've written a chapter from an entirely female point of view and then one from entirely male ones. The fact that the feel of each chapter is very different, that you can texturise your writing like that is a positive thing.
1/13/2010 c1 The Saturday Storytellers
My initial impression of Retna is positive: if she's not that interested in the brunette's personal dramas that she actually zoned out of the conversation then she's in my good books, personally. I'm not very good at looking interested in other peoples' drama, either. I think it's reassuring to hear that someone isn't interested in the (ultimately repetitive) histories of others like this. Well, not in a Heat Magazine way, anyway.
Her honesty with the brunette on the matter is amusing! Again, she seems ballsy. I like her already!
Ah, you fall into a trap here: "...but Retna could have cared less about Eve." It's 'couldn't have cared less', not 'could'.
"Unlike everyone else at her school, she seemed to be the only one who hadn't taken ‘Sarcasm 101’." What, for Retna? Unless I've misunderstood the context and you actually mean Eve, I'd be surprised that you'd describe Retna as not being sarcastic. I can see her dripping with it, easily. I'll guess you mean Eve in that case (although it appears less likely given the context of the paragraph). If that's the case, no wonder Retna and Eve don't like each other. That could be the basis for some real bad feeling!
I'm guessing at the moment that the two main characters you wanted feedback on are Retna and Eve, and so far the conflict between the two is a good starter!
My initial impression of Retna is positive: if she's not that interested in the brunette's personal dramas that she actually zoned out of the conversation then she's in my good books, personally. I'm not very good at looking interested in other peoples' drama, either. I think it's reassuring to hear that someone isn't interested in the (ultimately repetitive) histories of others like this. Well, not in a Heat Magazine way, anyway.
Her honesty with the brunette on the matter is amusing! Again, she seems ballsy. I like her already!
Ah, you fall into a trap here: "...but Retna could have cared less about Eve." It's 'couldn't have cared less', not 'could'.
"Unlike everyone else at her school, she seemed to be the only one who hadn't taken ‘Sarcasm 101’." What, for Retna? Unless I've misunderstood the context and you actually mean Eve, I'd be surprised that you'd describe Retna as not being sarcastic. I can see her dripping with it, easily. I'll guess you mean Eve in that case (although it appears less likely given the context of the paragraph). If that's the case, no wonder Retna and Eve don't like each other. That could be the basis for some real bad feeling!
I'm guessing at the moment that the two main characters you wanted feedback on are Retna and Eve, and so far the conflict between the two is a good starter!
1/12/2010 c3 34Lee Daniel
This was a very engrossing chapter. I love how you led into Retna entering the house and encoutering Lance. I also really enjoyed the scene of Lance extricating the ivy from his wound. I found myself grimacing right along with him.
There were just a few things that I caught that you might want to correct.
When Retna is in the cemetary, you say that someone must have past through the other day. This should be passed. The same sort of thing happens to me all the time. I write here instead of hear and the spell check doesn't get it because I spelled the word right even though it was the wrong word.
When Retna is in the house, you say that Lance entered the room slamming the door close behind him. It should be closed instead of close.
After that, you say that he looked at her than to the window. Than should be then, or more appropriately and then.
Other than this, your writing has once again proven to be outstanding and your story telling is truly impressive. Keep up the good work.
34Lee DanielThis was a very engrossing chapter. I love how you led into Retna entering the house and encoutering Lance. I also really enjoyed the scene of Lance extricating the ivy from his wound. I found myself grimacing right along with him.
There were just a few things that I caught that you might want to correct.
When Retna is in the cemetary, you say that someone must have past through the other day. This should be passed. The same sort of thing happens to me all the time. I write here instead of hear and the spell check doesn't get it because I spelled the word right even though it was the wrong word.
When Retna is in the house, you say that Lance entered the room slamming the door close behind him. It should be closed instead of close.
After that, you say that he looked at her than to the window. Than should be then, or more appropriately and then.
Other than this, your writing has once again proven to be outstanding and your story telling is truly impressive. Keep up the good work.
1/8/2010 c2 Lee Daniel
This chapter was incredible. I love the way you didn't immediately give a description of what attacked Paul in the basement. It leaves your readers with a creepy feeling, wondering exactly what it was that killed him. Lance is a very interesting character. Clearly he knows more about the house than anybody else, but maybe his knowledge is for nothing as Drew has stabbed him with the stolen knife. I can't wait to read more.
This chapter was incredible. I love the way you didn't immediately give a description of what attacked Paul in the basement. It leaves your readers with a creepy feeling, wondering exactly what it was that killed him. Lance is a very interesting character. Clearly he knows more about the house than anybody else, but maybe his knowledge is for nothing as Drew has stabbed him with the stolen knife. I can't wait to read more.
1/4/2010 c1 Lee Daniel
This is a really well written chapter. I liek the depth that you put into the chapter. Most writers on this site only put a few words down per chapter, but you put a lot of thought and time into yours and it shows.
This is a really well written chapter. I liek the depth that you put into the chapter. Most writers on this site only put a few words down per chapter, but you put a lot of thought and time into yours and it shows.
12/25/2009 c1 6Devil's Playground
Ooh, I loved this. Although I already commented on it in my last review, I have to say once again that your dialogue is great. It's very believable and seems so natural - I'm jealous, dialogue is always a struggle for me! It really helped show more about the characters, too. I just loved the conversation between Retna and her friends - it was so funny, and helped quickly establish what kind of people all three of them are. They already seem like very well-developed characters.
There was some good imagery here as well - the bit about the leaves was so pretty, and it really painted a picture in my mind as I read. It's obvious that you have a very good grasp of language. The only point where I was tripped up a little was at the very beginning; you use 'wind' a lot of times in just a few short sentences. I think if you changed a couple of them, it would flow much better.
I loved the way you started this chapter, and the ending too. The beginning was a good hook, and then the contrast with the ordinary high school scene was very interesting to see. And the ending really left me wanting more! It's a very good start, and I f'sho intend to read more of this. :D
6Devil's PlaygroundOoh, I loved this. Although I already commented on it in my last review, I have to say once again that your dialogue is great. It's very believable and seems so natural - I'm jealous, dialogue is always a struggle for me! It really helped show more about the characters, too. I just loved the conversation between Retna and her friends - it was so funny, and helped quickly establish what kind of people all three of them are. They already seem like very well-developed characters.
There was some good imagery here as well - the bit about the leaves was so pretty, and it really painted a picture in my mind as I read. It's obvious that you have a very good grasp of language. The only point where I was tripped up a little was at the very beginning; you use 'wind' a lot of times in just a few short sentences. I think if you changed a couple of them, it would flow much better.
I loved the way you started this chapter, and the ending too. The beginning was a good hook, and then the contrast with the ordinary high school scene was very interesting to see. And the ending really left me wanting more! It's a very good start, and I f'sho intend to read more of this. :D