for To Never Die12/25/2009 c14 
6Devil's Playground
Whoo! Since you want feedback on this chapter, I'm going to try to do my best to read it over. Of course, I'm going to have to comment mostly on form rather than content. I do plan on going back to chapter one and reading through up to here eventually, but chyeah, I'll start by doing what I can with this.
First of all, wow, I love how descriptive all of this is! The fight scene definitely satisfied my desire for all of the bloody, gorey details. The descriptions of the dog as it chased her and of Lance's wound afterwards were so vivid. I could clearly picture the whole thing as it happened, and that helped me get really into the story - I was scared for Retna!
The dialogue in this was also very well done. It flowed well and seemed very realistic, not forced at all. The word choice was good, as well, and so was the pacing - I loved how it sped up for the chase/fight scene and then slowed down again, that was very effective.
One thing you could watch is your syntax. At times there started being several sentences in a row that all had the same structure/length, and it made the flow a little awkward. It wasn't something that showed up frequently, but I noticed it a couple of times.
"she had loss her cheeriness." - loss should be lost, and that's the only error I found. Otherwise, this was awesome, and I definitely plan to go back and read from the beginning soon!
6Devil's PlaygroundWhoo! Since you want feedback on this chapter, I'm going to try to do my best to read it over. Of course, I'm going to have to comment mostly on form rather than content. I do plan on going back to chapter one and reading through up to here eventually, but chyeah, I'll start by doing what I can with this.
First of all, wow, I love how descriptive all of this is! The fight scene definitely satisfied my desire for all of the bloody, gorey details. The descriptions of the dog as it chased her and of Lance's wound afterwards were so vivid. I could clearly picture the whole thing as it happened, and that helped me get really into the story - I was scared for Retna!
The dialogue in this was also very well done. It flowed well and seemed very realistic, not forced at all. The word choice was good, as well, and so was the pacing - I loved how it sped up for the chase/fight scene and then slowed down again, that was very effective.
One thing you could watch is your syntax. At times there started being several sentences in a row that all had the same structure/length, and it made the flow a little awkward. It wasn't something that showed up frequently, but I noticed it a couple of times.
"she had loss her cheeriness." - loss should be lost, and that's the only error I found. Otherwise, this was awesome, and I definitely plan to go back and read from the beginning soon!
12/21/2009 c14 14K.M.Simpson
Amazingly described chapter. I noticed how easy flowing this was and easy read, which is a good thing because some stories seemed to be alot confusing but yours has alot of potential and I really like the storyline going on here. Very sad but sweet too. Good job.
-Pay back via I Saw Bella Kissing Santa Claus.
Thankss.
14K.M.SimpsonAmazingly described chapter. I noticed how easy flowing this was and easy read, which is a good thing because some stories seemed to be alot confusing but yours has alot of potential and I really like the storyline going on here. Very sad but sweet too. Good job.
-Pay back via I Saw Bella Kissing Santa Claus.
Thankss.
12/15/2009 c13 1Angel-Leigh Jones
hiya
wow this story is riveting - i couldn't stop reading and now i'm disappointed that there is no more. Great Great story. Thanks for posting it on here.
Angel
1Angel-Leigh Joneshiya
wow this story is riveting - i couldn't stop reading and now i'm disappointed that there is no more. Great Great story. Thanks for posting it on here.
Angel
12/15/2009 c12 Angel-Leigh Jones
hiya
so now we see a bit about Lance. The puzzle pieces are falling together. This story is very good. Well i won't stop, still have alot more to read.
Angel
hiya
so now we see a bit about Lance. The puzzle pieces are falling together. This story is very good. Well i won't stop, still have alot more to read.
Angel
12/15/2009 c11 Angel-Leigh Jones
hiya
wow so that's what's hiding in the basement. i never expected that. Well done.
Can't wait to read some more.
Angel
hiya
wow so that's what's hiding in the basement. i never expected that. Well done.
Can't wait to read some more.
Angel
12/15/2009 c9 Angel-Leigh Jones
hiya
wow the bus shelter filling with water was a great idea - scary too. SO much water. When will she figure it all out?
Angel
hiya
wow the bus shelter filling with water was a great idea - scary too. SO much water. When will she figure it all out?
Angel
12/15/2009 c7 Angel-Leigh Jones
hiya
wow the glass beads was intense and must've been so painful. How much blood can this girl loose?
Her friends worrying about her but they didn't seem to concerned, no one wanted to go check on her. And Retna is hiding her injuries so well that they don't notice.
Poor girl
Lance well he is confusing. And the watch - still trying to get that.
Angel
hiya
wow the glass beads was intense and must've been so painful. How much blood can this girl loose?
Her friends worrying about her but they didn't seem to concerned, no one wanted to go check on her. And Retna is hiding her injuries so well that they don't notice.
Poor girl
Lance well he is confusing. And the watch - still trying to get that.
Angel
12/15/2009 c6 Angel-Leigh Jones
hiya
another great chapter - well done. :)
Can't wait to read more - sorry this is so short i am stunned at how good your writing is and so detailed. I have no idea what else to say.
Angel
hiya
another great chapter - well done. :)
Can't wait to read more - sorry this is so short i am stunned at how good your writing is and so detailed. I have no idea what else to say.
Angel
12/15/2009 c5 Angel-Leigh Jones
hiya
wow i love the descriptions and your ideas. I'd never thought of Glass chasing you and embedding into your skin. The amount of blood must've been huge amount and for a second there i thought she may have been regenerating it.
ANd then she passed out.
Well done - this chapter was great.
Angel
hiya
wow i love the descriptions and your ideas. I'd never thought of Glass chasing you and embedding into your skin. The amount of blood must've been huge amount and for a second there i thought she may have been regenerating it.
ANd then she passed out.
Well done - this chapter was great.
Angel
12/14/2009 c4 Angel-Leigh Jones
hiya
Wow what a chapter. I am not quite sure what is happening but that adds to the mystery.
i loved the first sentences about the curling iron - i have no idea how to use one and i have tried and ended up burning myself. lol so i totally agree with the 'damn curling iron malfunctioning'.
Angel
hiya
Wow what a chapter. I am not quite sure what is happening but that adds to the mystery.
i loved the first sentences about the curling iron - i have no idea how to use one and i have tried and ended up burning myself. lol so i totally agree with the 'damn curling iron malfunctioning'.
Angel
10/10/2009 c6 3scripted
Wow! Action filled chapter here huh?
Plot's really thickening now - and it's hard not to start worrying for Retna. You've done a really good end that's striking and leaves an impression - as well as some really good phrases used. Such as "It reflected off a circle halo that radiated light yellow around the edges". Beautiful ^^
Love the normality just on the other end of the phone, giving and showing such contrast to Retna's situation ^^
However, Lance's plot is also really heating up. Stupid people trying to kill him and Retna...
Anywho, good job here! Love the ending =)
-scripted
You've been fully repaid! =D
3scriptedWow! Action filled chapter here huh?
Plot's really thickening now - and it's hard not to start worrying for Retna. You've done a really good end that's striking and leaves an impression - as well as some really good phrases used. Such as "It reflected off a circle halo that radiated light yellow around the edges". Beautiful ^^
Love the normality just on the other end of the phone, giving and showing such contrast to Retna's situation ^^
However, Lance's plot is also really heating up. Stupid people trying to kill him and Retna...
Anywho, good job here! Love the ending =)
-scripted
You've been fully repaid! =D
10/7/2009 c5 scripted
Initial reaction: ...Ew...
But that's only cos I'm incredibly squeamish xPP
Good chapter here! Sorry it took so long to repay, but here I am =D
It flows really well and the characters are all really solid and easy to follow. Breath of fresh air after some of the fics I've just had to read xP
You also had some really good imagery here, my favourite being:
"She looked back across the street and watched Lance as they walked, in a way, side by side, but in two entirely different worlds."
I love that idea! So simple, yet so effective! Bravo ^^
Only thing I could point out for improvement was that huge paragraph at the end. Because it's action more than anything else, perhaps split it up to get the pace more effective? And also you begin almost ever sentence with "She". Perhaps start a sentence with a verb or adverb to change it up =]
Like..
"She untangled herself and ran for the kitchen"
Could be:
"Furiously untangling herself, she quickly ran to the kitchen."
Great chapter though, and great end ^^
Love the sarcasm in it, and it's really opening up a great plot now!
Apologise again for the over-long wait for this,
Off to read more =D
-scripted
Initial reaction: ...Ew...
But that's only cos I'm incredibly squeamish xPP
Good chapter here! Sorry it took so long to repay, but here I am =D
It flows really well and the characters are all really solid and easy to follow. Breath of fresh air after some of the fics I've just had to read xP
You also had some really good imagery here, my favourite being:
"She looked back across the street and watched Lance as they walked, in a way, side by side, but in two entirely different worlds."
I love that idea! So simple, yet so effective! Bravo ^^
Only thing I could point out for improvement was that huge paragraph at the end. Because it's action more than anything else, perhaps split it up to get the pace more effective? And also you begin almost ever sentence with "She". Perhaps start a sentence with a verb or adverb to change it up =]
Like..
"She untangled herself and ran for the kitchen"
Could be:
"Furiously untangling herself, she quickly ran to the kitchen."
Great chapter though, and great end ^^
Love the sarcasm in it, and it's really opening up a great plot now!
Apologise again for the over-long wait for this,
Off to read more =D
-scripted
9/1/2009 c8 109ADSpencer
This chapter was fully of wicked goodness:) I loved the scenes in the school, very creepy, especially with the scapel. As was Eve; the dialogue at the end of Eve and Retna's conversation left the scene with a tense atmosphere. And then the action in the graveyard was excellent; I know it was a long-ish chapter, but it was well paced, and I sped through it. Nicely done!
109ADSpencerThis chapter was fully of wicked goodness:) I loved the scenes in the school, very creepy, especially with the scapel. As was Eve; the dialogue at the end of Eve and Retna's conversation left the scene with a tense atmosphere. And then the action in the graveyard was excellent; I know it was a long-ish chapter, but it was well paced, and I sped through it. Nicely done!
8/30/2009 c4 3scripted
Mysterious chapter there =]]
Loads happened, but absolutely /no/ answers were given. It's good though, as it keeps the reader interested, and wanting to know more.
I can tell you've got a brilliant imagination, and your vocabulary is really good [for instance, "...chains had left vicious abrasions..."]. However, there is one major thing that is letting you down: commas! Really, perhaps you should read over this chapter, maybe even read it aloud, and see where you can put commas in. Almost every sentences could be altered with commas being put in.
Other than that, good chapter =]. Those people at the end have now got me pretty hooked, want to know more =P
Shall read more soon!
-scripted
3scriptedMysterious chapter there =]]
Loads happened, but absolutely /no/ answers were given. It's good though, as it keeps the reader interested, and wanting to know more.
I can tell you've got a brilliant imagination, and your vocabulary is really good [for instance, "...chains had left vicious abrasions..."]. However, there is one major thing that is letting you down: commas! Really, perhaps you should read over this chapter, maybe even read it aloud, and see where you can put commas in. Almost every sentences could be altered with commas being put in.
Other than that, good chapter =]. Those people at the end have now got me pretty hooked, want to know more =P
Shall read more soon!
-scripted
8/30/2009 c7 2anabsenceofcreativity
About time Retna saw some sense, even if it took Lance talking some nonsense to convince her. I really liked the little section in this chapter where the scene flits to Retna's school friends, it really emphasises the strange predicament that she is in with her friend’s showing the life Retna had before all the trouble started.
Little errors:
"She watched him as she tried to breath" should be 'breathe'.
"rather for her sake then his" should be 'than'
"“You starring at me could kill me.”" should be 'staring'.
~ aoc
2anabsenceofcreativityAbout time Retna saw some sense, even if it took Lance talking some nonsense to convince her. I really liked the little section in this chapter where the scene flits to Retna's school friends, it really emphasises the strange predicament that she is in with her friend’s showing the life Retna had before all the trouble started.
Little errors:
"She watched him as she tried to breath" should be 'breathe'.
"rather for her sake then his" should be 'than'
"“You starring at me could kill me.”" should be 'staring'.
~ aoc