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for Passive Insanity

11/11/2008 c1 12SuzannaR
Well this was rather strange. I must admit that I read it more than once, trying to make some sense of parts of it. That has given me a headache lol.

But it s a dream and dreams are random and only make sense superficially...so good job there!

I know that you know about the grammar problems and run on sentences..but it really is annoying to see. I m not good with punctuation myself and I hate checking my work... so I got myself a proofreader. It really helps and I suggest you get one too. It will get down on the errors and let the reader get to the story itself without being distracted.

Good job otherwise, especially if you re 12!

10/11/2008 c1 30Kinola
This is good, dude =P

But wait...a five-year-old in a, what, college dorm? That's really weird.
10/10/2008 c1 AoiUshiTofu
Well, happy birthday (It's not your birthday)! You made me pee. It's random like a dream. At times, I think there's a bit of info being skipped to be discovered later. Much like the dream sequences I have though. So, it's normal... I think. Hah, it's random! Choppy at a lot of parts but RANDOM! Your post makes me want to make some random ones of my own -laughs, giggles, topples over, Boom!- It's good. I guess the choppiness caused the random feel. That's what you're going for, right?
8/11/2008 c1 4PhantomBialystock
You really caught my attention with the author's note. The plot had a good incentive behind it with kidnapping and everything. But there was so many grammatical errors that it distracted from the plot that could have been a wonderful short story. The summary made me really eager to read it.

I'm going to point out some things that need to be improved.

1). Author's notes in the middle of the story.

This really kills the flow and also gives the reader the message that the story won't be of the best quality. For example:

"Here I am in my school which is on a island. I don't know why my school changed the location and education (that rhymed XD)"

Get rid of the thing in parentheses. And smiley faces really shouldn't be used in the middle of a story.


". . .I just followed Azael and Jesus(Heh-sues). . ."

Don't put pronunciation guides in the middle of the story. If you want people to know how to pronounce it, maybe say:

". . . I just followed Azael and Jesus (pronounced the Spanish way) . . ."

2) Show, don't tell.

For most of this story, you basically say "this happened, this happened, and then this happened" with no real description or creativity. It sounds very bland and unexciting. This story really could be exciting! Just use more interesting words and phrases.

3) Run-on sentences

There are a ton of these. For example:

"The whole place had water I just sat down not caring that the water height reached my ankles."

This needs to be made into two sentences. There are many other run-ons in your story. I suggest taking a look at them and making them two sentences.

4) Punctuation

There are some sentences that end with the wrong punctuation, such as questions that end with a period.

PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS AS A FLAME! You had a great idea going with this, but your story was very rushed and much too short for all of this to happen in. If you do some editing, you will probably come out with a better piece.
7/27/2008 c1 6concerto49
Using first person and present tense is a good idea for this sitation. It fits in nicely with the setting and what's going on. I noticed some of wording and phrasing got a bit awkward. Try to watch out for your grammar and stuff too. This felt a bit too chatty too, and perhaps in terms of a dream, you should make it a bit more eerie, blurry, and fantasy-like. Push this through so description that you need a bit more of anyway. Whilst your abrupt changes were good and realistic, I think you should have convey them through description than to simply use titles to signify change. That makes it a bit choppy. It sure was an interesting dream though.
7/26/2008 c1 3SapphirePrima
I'm not sure what I just read. This is a description of a dream, not a story right? Because if this is a story I was completely lost during it.
7/26/2008 c1 2Imaginary Rose
Dreams are generally weird...

["Good morning...] When a new person is talking,start a new paragraph. Plus I find it hard to believe everyone greeted him. But besides that a psychologist teaching in a boating school's pretty funny.

[We used to...another school.] Seems like a lot of useless information.

[...other 2 guys..] other 2 guys or two other guys? and numbers 0-10 should be written out in a story.

Kinda confused. They were looking for Azael, but then the started drawing graffiti in plain sight of the psychologist, and then they got back to looking for Azael?

["Hey, you're Karen. One of the smartest girl in school." Said the kidnapper] Hehe very odd... However it should be ("Hey, you're Karen, one of the smartest girls in school," said the kidnapper.)

[...just drived back...] (just drove back)

[...naked man with only a underwear.] He wouldn't be naked if he had on underwear.

[...thumbs up...] Haha.

That last part is hilarious! ["I'm so old. I should sleep.]

A couple of grammatical errors (you should find a beta) but otherwise a very funny/weird story.
7/26/2008 c1 8Violent Messiah
Heh...you know, between your posts at the Road House and this story? I get the impression you might be a bit odd, but that's OK. Odd is cool. -=)

Anyway, on to the review. You say you're only twelve? Wow, that is scary impressive. You know things about writing that I didn't realize I needed to do till I was like almost sixteen, like every new piece of dialog needs its own separate section, not to over use the "he said, she said, I said" but mix it up, and other little writing common sense things that some people writing still can't get write, even at double your age. Bravo...I get the feeling the older you get and the more serious you get with your writing, you'll only get better.

Your mind reminds me of a bowl of water, and your thoughts are ever moving like the liquid inside. You can tell this was based off a dream as it has that very strange disjointed quality to it. Very trippy.

OK, you do have a small problem with word repetition, like that little bit with Azael, the teacher and the boat, or when Karen gets introduced. No need to hammer the same word home so hard or so often. And you also have a thing for run on sentences, but I can't really say much as I'm guilty of that as well. You also have some other spelling and grammar errors, but really, who doesn't? Just got to use that spell checker and study more, right?

Anyway, this was a very bizarre story, to say the least, but your writing style for someone so young impressed me greatly. Thanks for stopping at The Road House...Chocolate! Heh.

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