for Wanderer9/29/2011 c22 V
I just finished this story and it is one of the best I have ever read both online and in paper. I think you've left it open for a sequel and I'd be really happy if you were to write it.
I just finished this story and it is one of the best I have ever read both online and in paper. I think you've left it open for a sequel and I'd be really happy if you were to write it.
8/3/2010 c4 denny
Hey, I've started reading your story, but despite some good ideas and a neat overall plot, I just couldn't keep on reading. Your dialogue writing needs some serious improvement, because it sounds like conversations between two five year olds.
Hey, I've started reading your story, but despite some good ideas and a neat overall plot, I just couldn't keep on reading. Your dialogue writing needs some serious improvement, because it sounds like conversations between two five year olds.
7/14/2010 c1 From The Writer
Thank you everyone for your reviews. All complaints have been heard and addressed (exccept for the chapter being long. I will fix that as soon as the story is completely finished) there should be no more issues over the chapter confusion or the mix up of the plot.
Thank you everyone for your reviews. All complaints have been heard and addressed (exccept for the chapter being long. I will fix that as soon as the story is completely finished) there should be no more issues over the chapter confusion or the mix up of the plot.
11/16/2009 c14 CnConrad
This is where I stopped reading this book. I have no idea if you skipped a chapter or 2 or what but this chapter had nothing to to with the previous one.
You started out really good in this story but the plot and characters kind of meshed and it lost the feel it had in the beginning.
This is where I stopped reading this book. I have no idea if you skipped a chapter or 2 or what but this chapter had nothing to to with the previous one.
You started out really good in this story but the plot and characters kind of meshed and it lost the feel it had in the beginning.
11/12/2009 c4 CnConrad
I do not understand how Farren went through such a drastic character shift. He went from being quiet and mild mannered to being sarcastic and rude. On top of that he is disrespecting this girl.
I do not care how you portray your character but he should not shift from 1 personality to a second one within 2 chapters.
All in all the story is doing a good job of keeping my interest.
I do not understand how Farren went through such a drastic character shift. He went from being quiet and mild mannered to being sarcastic and rude. On top of that he is disrespecting this girl.
I do not care how you portray your character but he should not shift from 1 personality to a second one within 2 chapters.
All in all the story is doing a good job of keeping my interest.
11/11/2009 c1 CnConrad
Well I finished the first chapter. It appears interesting. I assume you will go over what he did to get kicked out of the village later.
There was one line that I did not understand:
Farren was often on the receiving end of the town’s people’s beatings, especially the women.
After finishing the chapter i kind of get the women part but if he is such a good fighter how is he always getting beaten up?
Well I finished the first chapter. It appears interesting. I assume you will go over what he did to get kicked out of the village later.
There was one line that I did not understand:
Farren was often on the receiving end of the town’s people’s beatings, especially the women.
After finishing the chapter i kind of get the women part but if he is such a good fighter how is he always getting beaten up?
7/29/2009 c1 
23Mandisaurus-rex
I have to say that I really do like this! Usually, I don't go for stories like this, but this one grabbed my attention and held it. Congrats, that is usually hard to do haha. Anyhoo, I think you have a real knack for dialogue, and character development. Each character is totally believable, and how they speak just seems to natural. That part flows very nicely. I didn't really think putting Nitesh in was necessarry that late in the story... it was like BAM another character! =P. You could've put him in sooner, and then instead of telling us that he is Trent's other 'student', you could have shown us with more awesome dialogue. And then that would make the chapter long too. (I read your profile, it said you wanted your story to be longer =P). And I did find that it was choppy, and you switched from different moods very quickly in some paragraphs. But all in all, a very fine job.
~ Mandie
23Mandisaurus-rexI have to say that I really do like this! Usually, I don't go for stories like this, but this one grabbed my attention and held it. Congrats, that is usually hard to do haha. Anyhoo, I think you have a real knack for dialogue, and character development. Each character is totally believable, and how they speak just seems to natural. That part flows very nicely. I didn't really think putting Nitesh in was necessarry that late in the story... it was like BAM another character! =P. You could've put him in sooner, and then instead of telling us that he is Trent's other 'student', you could have shown us with more awesome dialogue. And then that would make the chapter long too. (I read your profile, it said you wanted your story to be longer =P). And I did find that it was choppy, and you switched from different moods very quickly in some paragraphs. But all in all, a very fine job.
~ Mandie
7/28/2009 c1 Winter-Phoenix17
Well for starters, it has a very nice start to it. I liked how you began it with the two fighting, I think I showed off what Farren was capable of, being feared for his strength (In as sense) but not able to beat Trent.
I also loved your very first sentence. "It was a humid day, but a clear sky blessed the moist air and the sun..." I love the part of the sky blessing the air... awesome imagery with that one.
One thing that caught my attention as well was in the beginning you described Farren as "a young man of 18" I think this 18 should be spelled out like you have done so further down in the chapter, just my thoughts but i think it would make it look a bit better.
I saw one typo... not quite more of a lower to uppercase in the beginning of one sentence. The 18th sentence from before the line from the bottom 1st part where you began "He watched from the hill he..." The very last sentence in that paragraph needs to be capitalized.
Lastly I liked how you ended Farren and Lida's coversation before we as the readers found out what she wanted. Following it up with his banishment was bvery interesting, shows the readers that something she may have said got him into that position.
All in all awesome job! I look forward to reading more.. (when I get a chance ^^)
Well for starters, it has a very nice start to it. I liked how you began it with the two fighting, I think I showed off what Farren was capable of, being feared for his strength (In as sense) but not able to beat Trent.
I also loved your very first sentence. "It was a humid day, but a clear sky blessed the moist air and the sun..." I love the part of the sky blessing the air... awesome imagery with that one.
One thing that caught my attention as well was in the beginning you described Farren as "a young man of 18" I think this 18 should be spelled out like you have done so further down in the chapter, just my thoughts but i think it would make it look a bit better.
I saw one typo... not quite more of a lower to uppercase in the beginning of one sentence. The 18th sentence from before the line from the bottom 1st part where you began "He watched from the hill he..." The very last sentence in that paragraph needs to be capitalized.
Lastly I liked how you ended Farren and Lida's coversation before we as the readers found out what she wanted. Following it up with his banishment was bvery interesting, shows the readers that something she may have said got him into that position.
All in all awesome job! I look forward to reading more.. (when I get a chance ^^)
7/16/2009 c4 7Kit-Kat Punk-lover
I love the plot that you have created. The events that unfold keep me at the edge of me seat! No seriously, I'm hanging off it right now.
Again, I disliked the pace because the flow was a bit chaotic. This chapter was also a bit long and dreary. Work on keeping things clear and perhaps shortening up your chapters a bit and you'll end up with a very good story. :)
7Kit-Kat Punk-loverI love the plot that you have created. The events that unfold keep me at the edge of me seat! No seriously, I'm hanging off it right now.
Again, I disliked the pace because the flow was a bit chaotic. This chapter was also a bit long and dreary. Work on keeping things clear and perhaps shortening up your chapters a bit and you'll end up with a very good story. :)
7/16/2009 c3 Kit-Kat Punk-lover
I really liked the ending for this chapter because it gives me a rush of questions about what is going to happen to Farren. It's good to leave really nasty cliff-hangers at the end of each chapter. It keeps the reader interested :).
However, the dialogue got very confusing at some points. Makre sure you put a he said, she said, or whoever said a line once in a while.
I really liked the ending for this chapter because it gives me a rush of questions about what is going to happen to Farren. It's good to leave really nasty cliff-hangers at the end of each chapter. It keeps the reader interested :).
However, the dialogue got very confusing at some points. Makre sure you put a he said, she said, or whoever said a line once in a while.
7/16/2009 c2 Kit-Kat Punk-lover
I like the vareity of characters you have. They aren't characters you'd find in another story. They have unique personalities.
However, the flow of the story could be imprved. It as fine and such but I felt myself growing tired because the pace was not fast enough. Don't rush into things to quickly or have them be dreadfully pulled out, but have a nice smooth flow so the reader can keep his or her attention on the words.
I like the vareity of characters you have. They aren't characters you'd find in another story. They have unique personalities.
However, the flow of the story could be imprved. It as fine and such but I felt myself growing tired because the pace was not fast enough. Don't rush into things to quickly or have them be dreadfully pulled out, but have a nice smooth flow so the reader can keep his or her attention on the words.
7/16/2009 c1 Kit-Kat Punk-lover
I really like the concept of this story and how the title fits into it. Most stories that include wandering soldiers have huge wars going, so it's nice to see a change of pace.
You beginning could have been stronger I felt. If you were to go back, I suggest you add more detail into the setting and actions. Make it sound exciting and use colorful adjectives and verbs.
I really like the concept of this story and how the title fits into it. Most stories that include wandering soldiers have huge wars going, so it's nice to see a change of pace.
You beginning could have been stronger I felt. If you were to go back, I suggest you add more detail into the setting and actions. Make it sound exciting and use colorful adjectives and verbs.
7/9/2009 c3 3Kristin Li
I liked how your dialoge flowed and seemed very natural. I liked how your characters seem to have unique but rather realistic personalities, however, this chapter had just way to much dialoge and it got quite boring after a while. A lot of the details in the story struck me as irrelvant and somewhat repetitive. You often state how the main charter got banashed and how there are a lot of crooks in the village.
3Kristin LiI liked how your dialoge flowed and seemed very natural. I liked how your characters seem to have unique but rather realistic personalities, however, this chapter had just way to much dialoge and it got quite boring after a while. A lot of the details in the story struck me as irrelvant and somewhat repetitive. You often state how the main charter got banashed and how there are a lot of crooks in the village.
7/8/2009 c2 2theflyingcrabsareeatingmyhair
Review Game!
Not bad, not bad. I especially liked that you took the time and thought to come up with a whole world for your characters, rather than just letting them exist in the everyday to save yourself the description. It gives your story depth and thought. It could use some ironing out, though.
This piece has a lot of basic editing errors - spelling, punctuation, and grammar. In addition, it needs a bit of more intensive editing - your dialogue and scene shifts need to flow better - everything is very jolty and unnatural feeling right now. It's very hard to get into a story when the action and dialogue don't flow naturally - but that's just my own opinion.
Keep editing! It seems like this is a piece that could make it, if you spent a little more time. Good luck!
2theflyingcrabsareeatingmyhairReview Game!
Not bad, not bad. I especially liked that you took the time and thought to come up with a whole world for your characters, rather than just letting them exist in the everyday to save yourself the description. It gives your story depth and thought. It could use some ironing out, though.
This piece has a lot of basic editing errors - spelling, punctuation, and grammar. In addition, it needs a bit of more intensive editing - your dialogue and scene shifts need to flow better - everything is very jolty and unnatural feeling right now. It's very hard to get into a story when the action and dialogue don't flow naturally - but that's just my own opinion.
Keep editing! It seems like this is a piece that could make it, if you spent a little more time. Good luck!
7/8/2009 c1 61RazorStar
I think you have done an excellent job on the setting of this story. You've described the country and city to a believable point, there are no big jumps in logic which tend to happen every now and then in fantasy. However, with all the description of the town in the first, only to banish the protagonist forever makes it seem like it was a bit overdone. I mean it works and helps with the story, but it wasn't necessary I guess.
Otherwise, I love the way you've worked on characters so far, Trent seems like a person with an ounce of kindness in him, but mainly a bitter old man, Farren is interesting in his development, in that he isn't a typical snarky or typical dumbass hero. I may have to read more of this in the future. Thank you for writing this.
RZ
61RazorStarI think you have done an excellent job on the setting of this story. You've described the country and city to a believable point, there are no big jumps in logic which tend to happen every now and then in fantasy. However, with all the description of the town in the first, only to banish the protagonist forever makes it seem like it was a bit overdone. I mean it works and helps with the story, but it wasn't necessary I guess.
Otherwise, I love the way you've worked on characters so far, Trent seems like a person with an ounce of kindness in him, but mainly a bitter old man, Farren is interesting in his development, in that he isn't a typical snarky or typical dumbass hero. I may have to read more of this in the future. Thank you for writing this.
RZ