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9/24/2008 c2 angelicdust
hmm..that was short..you've got a decent plot so far but i think you need to work more on the scenes. the whole chapter just seems to be filled with dialogues. now that's not a bad thing but a writer needs to be able to make the reader imagine the scene. this chapter didn't really do that. i think you need to add more detail to the scenes..it's simple..just imagine the whole scene..other people who are around, gestures while talking, the ambience, everything..and put it down in words. and your chapter will turn out much better!

don't take it harshly ok? and i want to know what happens next so update! :-)
7/19/2008 c2 6concerto49
Hm, a bit short, and needs some fixing up here and there. Try to really tell the story and bring it out. It's a bit rushy in terms of how it feels and what you've used to describe it. Make use of the first person input you've stated - expand on that.
7/19/2008 c1 concerto49
Some good details in portraying the character's reactions to the movie and all. Perhaps this whole thing would have been a bit better with a bit more description on the details here and there, such as where they were in more detail. Be careful with too much dialog in 1 go, but besides that this seems fun.
7/15/2008 c2 10Koki Enwai
This is pretty good, but some of the dialogue formatting and overall tenses are screwed up. There are some grammar errors as well, and even a typo in the synopsis.

Aside from that, it sounds like you've got a good story. I'll come back for more.

- Koki

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