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7/19/2008 c1 7Translucently Opaque
Very, very intriguing. Such vivid description. I couldn’t find any mistakes that haven‘t already been pointed out.

The beginning and ending lines were especially poignant. They fit so well it almost seems like they could run together to form a synopsis. “She had never seen a dead person before. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.” Absolute perfection.

I do have one suggestion. Your reviewer S.M. Saves mentioned that you could have Melany “become obsessed with gore and, as she grows older, purposely do things to cause the accidents that occur in her front yard to see that same blank look she had seen on the man.” As an alternative, you could have the same thing happen, but in a more subconscious way. Jump ahead to when she’s grown up, and she has a career, maybe like being a doctor or something else that places her where it’s most likely that people die, and then have her (once again, subconsciously) cause their death. That would make it more of a psychological thriller than a blood and gore horror though. She might not even realize why or how death follows her around.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing where you decided to take this. I can’t wait for an update!
7/18/2008 c1 19S. M. Saves
The last line really places this piece into the horror genre rather than any other: "It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen". The details were fantastic in this piece: "the bottom of her legs tattooed with curves of chalk dust."

As one of the other reviewers said, this piece can be taken in many directions. You can leave it as it is, a short story, or turn it into a prologue and expand. The girl could become obsessed with gore and as she grows older, purposely do things to cause the accidents that occur in her front yard to see that same blank look she had seen on the man. You can do anything.
7/18/2008 c1 4B. J. Winters
Interesting. Good use of visualization and wonderful opening line.

The accident, now seconds old, was not more than fifteen feet from the front porch on which she sat, tiny fingers wrapped around a chunk of yellow sidewalk chalk. {seemed like it should be broken into two sentences right now I think the fingers are part of the accident}

I could see this as a good prologue. You hint at a bit of a twisted youth. It might have more punch if the victim was her father or someone she knew - perhaps someone she wished such a thing on. You could take this into the paranormal with such a twist.

Another alterative would be to have your character guilty for feeling as she did, and thus start a crusade (to find out what happened) or even want to preserve life as a result. My suggestion would be to decide on the moral of the story and then build the character from there. Is this hero - or antihero.

It's a gripping opening. I hope you continue.
7/18/2008 c1 23english summer rain
haha morbid. loving this girl already, she has a great taste in beauty ;)

i like your descriptions, glass twinkling, legs tattooed with curves of chalk dust, glazed blue eyes etc. they were quite vivid. there are a few tiny miniscule things i'd point out, but they arn't really important. one being the repetition of 'more' in ' more across the other eye, and several down his cheeks. More dripped from the steering wheel'. also the bit about the rolls of blubber seemed a bit off tone, but just a little.

yeah so nothing drastic, and nothing that really takes away from the vivid images. don't worry much about them :) great job !

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