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for Could You Love Me

1/28/2009 c6 28mikey magee
I love the plot. They've lost their money, Trixie's accusation and things just keep getting worse. Because of the way you've painted they're characters it's easy to feel empathy for them. I liked the ending of the chapter, it set up a nice plot point, and ending it on a cliff hanger was even better.

There wasn't much to critique in this chapter. Just try and use more of the showing. The pacing was fast to, but a few more descriptions would fix it.

Overall it was good. Please keep writing!
1/28/2009 c5 mikey magee
I loved this chapter. The way you compared Trixie and Luke to lifelines really showed how strong their bond is. It was great for their characters as individuals.

When Trixie was writing the letter it didn't seem genuine. I can understand the need to keep things formal, but I think it would help the scene emotionally if you had some inner monologue or memories of how Trixie grew up at the orphanage while she's writing the letter. That way, the reader could get to know Trixie on a more personal level and it would make the scene more emotional and covey the feelings of a farewell.

I really like the dialect you gave Frankie. It conveyed his voice well without being over written. Well done!
1/28/2009 c4 mikey magee
I really like your use of plot in this. How everything is building off another thing. The orphanage, the call, Trixie leaving. It all falls perfectly into place.

Though some of it seemed a little bit strange, how did a fourteen year old girl get enough money to live by herself for three months?

I really enjoyed the memories Trixie had of Lucas after the argument. It made their relationship seem more genuine. The pacing was a little bit fast though, try and use a little more description or "showing". Describe the room Trixie and Lucas are in. When they were arguing, did it change? Did Trixie or Luke's perception of the room change? How so? When Trixie was walking to the gate, she didn't what did she think? Did memories of her time there rush through her head?

Just something to think about. Good chapter.
1/28/2009 c3 mikey magee
The opening was absolutely gorgeous! I loved how you showed her father(i.e. his set jaw, chocolate eyes) instead of just telling us. Well done.

And as a result of your extra descriptions I could get a clear sense of what the character's goal was. i.e. "She wanted to be wanted" that's what I meant by "more descriptions"

I like where the plot is going. Having Trixie discover she has a family is great for the plot. I think it lacked power though. I think just using a few more descriptions of her inner reactions (her emotions her facial expressions, what she thinks about the situation) would cure it right up! Nice job on the chapter.
1/28/2009 c2 mikey magee
I like that you have more description in this chapter, but I think you could push it a little bit more. You use a lot of adjectives in your writing. i.e. "he smiled faintly" Things like that can get in the way of the flow.

When you had Ms. Denna and Luke arguing I didn't feel anything. Let me explain, since they were arguing that was supposed to be an emotional time, especially since Ms. Denna was almost in tears by the end of it. But I didn't feel any emotion from them because the pacing was very fast. Try and add more description of them during that time. Their body language, facial expressions, etc.

I absolutely love where the plot is going, how Luke used to be apart of the orphanage and now he works there. It's great for his character.

Just one last thing, at the beginning you wrote "Years later" I think that you should find away through the narrative to show that time has past. For example : Years flew by like birds in winter..." It's fine as it is but, I think it might help the flow a little. Just my opinion though.
1/28/2009 c1 mikey magee
I do like the brevity of the first chapter. It has a nice feeling, kind of like a fainting memory. I also understand that you might have wanted to keep the pacing brief, seeing as this is the first chapter, but I think it went by a little bit too fast. I think I could get a much better picture if you described a few things a little more. For example instead of writing "the sobbing girl" You could write "Her eyes streamed from her cheeks like rain. Lucas didn't think she'd ever stop."

I do like how you provided a back story for each of your characters. It made me feel for them. I love the way you worded some of their dialect as well. The improper grammar was a very nice touch! I do think the proposal thing was a little bit unrealistic, but that's just what I think. Nice beginning so far.
1/26/2009 c2 9MagicWords
Still cute. I think a few more details would help this stry out but so ar, it is very sweet. I love Lucas's character but sort of pity him at the same time. He's very sweet to Arcie. And to Trixie. You've got a good story on your hands.
1/26/2009 c1 MagicWords
This is so cute! I want to keep reading right away!
1/20/2009 c4 1Jessie My Love
They are just so adorable together. I just love how they have a strong friendship that is portrayed well; it's really quite adorable.

Some things did confuse me a bit though... How did she get money? It doesn't really seem like she had any source of income. Also, how could she be so certain that she would know who he was when she found it? That just seemed a bit unrealistic to me.

I still really enjoyed this though. I like how you ended the chapter. Good cliff-hanger. :]

-Jessie my l o v e
1/20/2009 c3 Jessie My Love
This was a great development in the story. I love the idea of her having a secret family member. Not only that, but it's not cheesy, it actually seems rather realistic.

However, I didn't find her reaction to learning about him a very realistic response. If she had correctly heard the conversation she was listening to I'm sure she would have been a bit more confused than excited.

It was still a great chapter though. This is a great story to read. :]

-Jessie my l o v e
1/20/2009 c2 Jessie My Love
Ah, I really wish you made the fact that they were the little boy and girl a bit more evident. It'd be better to have that in the actual story somehow instead of an author's note.

Anyways, I still love this story. It's incredibly original, and I love all your characters. Everything seemed to flow smoothly, which made it quite an enjoyable read. :]

The only part I didn't like was when he was talking to the mirror. It just seemed a bit awkward since you didn't explain the situation fully. Also, I wish you went into a bit more depth when Lucas told Arcelia about the whole adoption thing.

-Jessie my l o v e
1/20/2009 c1 Jessie My Love
This was a great beginning to the story. The dialogue between the two children was so realistic, it was obvious that they were still very young.

I didn't really like how you opened it though. I didn't find it to be very relevant to the rest of the story. I think it would've been far better to just open with the two children. Otherwise it comes off as a bit cheesy.

Anyways, good first chapter. Definitely grabbed my attention.

-Jessie my l o v e
1/20/2009 c3 5Narc
I liked how Trixie was wondering about her extended family at the beginning. I think it gave us a good look into her personality, the fact that she's imagining up what unknown relatives might be like. It's also a very believable thing for someone to do.

I thought the phone conversation with Mr. Hawthorn was really well done. I liked how you left in just enough information for Trixie to figure out what she was talking about, but not so much as to explain everything to her. I also thought the conversation itself seemed really natural, from the way she kept getting interrupted.

I didn't like the end of that scene, though. All of the sudden it just turned into an info dump where you tell the reader everything that's going on instead of letting that all be revealed as the story progresses.
1/20/2009 c2 Narc
At the beginning of this chapter, it was kind of hard to get my bearings on these characters and whether or not they were the same as the ones in the last chapter, because you never mentioned names in the last chapter.

I have to say that one of those descriptions that really bothers me is when eyes are referred to as 'orbs'. It's a bit corny, and it always gives me the image of the person having bug-like eyes. The other thing that made that description weird for me was the fact that he wasn't even seeing her eyes at the moment. Her eyes were closed.

He's so shocked by the fact that a family is trying out a kid. After being in an orphanage for that long, you would think he would be used to it. People do that all the time. They become foster parents and then decide to adopt.

Wow. And she gets to inherit a billion dollars in the process? I don't think I can feel sorry for her. Nope. Not one bit. :)
1/20/2009 c1 Narc
I thought the conversation between the two kids was really cute. I especially liked the part where they agreed to get married to make themselves feel better. It really added to the image of these two, scared kids.

I'm not a fan the opening. I'm just not usually fond of dream sequences as a hook, because I know that it's probably going to be a while before they make any sense. Here', it doesn't seem to do anything at all to advance the plot.
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