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2/1/2010 c1 3P A Miller
Your poetry is your poetry and do whatever you want, but "if i were you" i would think about adding some imagery in there a little bit. Its full of feeling so you pry wont have to hard of a time with that. Not that i'm an expert on poetry or am in any position to "improve YOUR writing" but i guess if this helps then it helps, if you dont like it then whatever
10/19/2008 c3 45deefective
Oh, this was really heart-felt. I like the way you wrote this because the style fit the piece well and it compliments the words. Although, it did have an undertone of cliche but it was still well-written. The only thing I have to say is this one line:

"That’s now broken."

I think it should be "That's broken now." The "now" before the "broken" messes up the flow and it doesn't read very well. Other than that, nice job.

-Dee, from the Review Marathon.

[Check up on it. Link's in my profile.]
10/19/2008 c2 deefective
Oh, I really like the way you wrote this. I can see that there is true emotion behind these words. Even though you wrote it for a friend I'm pretty sure this is exactly how she felt. That's hard to pull off sometimes. The only thing I have to say is that at the end the last line really irritated me. There was a spelling mistake in it and that just upset me because the whole piece was good except for that one point. Maybe it's because I'm obsessive about those types of things but for me, that ruins a piece. You should really correct that. Other than that, fantastic.

-Dee, from the Review Marathon.

[Check up on it. Link's in my profile.]
10/19/2008 c1 deefective
Well, I like the beginning because it started off great. The question and pondering there made me interested in the rest of the piece. Although, I have to say that the rest of the piece sort of bubbled and then went flat for me. It didn't feel all that sincere and the flow was a bit off here and there. Other than that, nice try.

-Dee, from the Review Marathon.

[Check up on it. Link's in my profile.]
10/19/2008 c6 2dragonflydreamer
I like the rhyme in this. It's subtle, but it had a lot of impact.

In the second to last line: First off, "gods" should have an apostrophe because it's possessive. I'd also reccommend capitolizing it because some people could take offense to the lower case.

~Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
10/19/2008 c5 dragonflydreamer
I like that you used second person because it really places the reader into the poem.

I also like the ambiguity of this. It has a similar effect.

~Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
10/19/2008 c4 dragonflydreamer
I like the last section because of the contrast it creates to the others.

I also like the cacophonous wording of the first section because it emphasizes the meaning.

~Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
10/19/2008 c3 dragonflydreamer
I like the lines that were shorter than the rest. Their meaning really stood out, plus they sort of separate stanzas.

[You were my rock] I like your use of that. It's very interesting, and there are a lot of things you could mean by it, so you left a lot up to the reader.
10/19/2008 c2 dragonflydreamer
I like how some of these lines were phrased as questions. It almost made the narrator seem dellusional, and then she broke free of that by the end.

One typo:

[I’m no the person you loved.] either no = not or "longer" should be after the "no."
10/19/2008 c1 dragonflydreamer
Fp repeated your first line.

[Making me a slave of the ground.] I liked this line. The phrasing was very intersting and creative.

I also like your repition of break/broken because it emphasizes her pleading.

~Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
9/1/2008 c1 1IndependantAngel
This is really beautiful, no critique ^_^
9/1/2008 c5 Unknown Survivor
Very nice collection of poetry you have here. Good job. (:

~Unknown Survivor~
8/8/2008 c5 10Koki Enwai
I'm really liking these. They all strike a chord with me. Very touching.

- Koki
8/6/2008 c2 4Jillian Harker
Wow. This really got to me, mainly because I can relate to the character going throught the breakup. Very inspirational, and well, helpful. (:

There are some little 'wrong-letter' errors. But it looks like something you didn't mean to slip up. Other than that, excellent.

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