for Jose Calderon is a Resourceful Boy7/14/2009 c1 Rock The Mic
This was a really good story. It was well written and had a good plot. I have to admit it was kinda boring in the beginning, but it got interesting in the end. I actually got a good laugh out in the end.
"For the love of God, don’t plow the field! That’s where I buried all the drugs!"
Hilarious.
This was a really good story. It was well written and had a good plot. I have to admit it was kinda boring in the beginning, but it got interesting in the end. I actually got a good laugh out in the end.
"For the love of God, don’t plow the field! That’s where I buried all the drugs!"
Hilarious.
4/4/2009 c1 CandleQueen
Vinny...that was very cleverly written. I enjoyed it. :) I was beginning to wonder why it was in the humor genre, but the ending had me laughing out loud. I can't think of any qualms I had with the characters, except that the lawyer seemed a bit...useless for a lawyer. Seriously, if he was my lawyer, I would have fired him. :/ But anyway, the major problem I have with this is...you need to brush up on your grammar, boy. Get a beta, or something. I think your errors kind of devalued the story a bit; that's all. I would point them all out, but I'm dog-tired right now. (Sorry.) Otherwise, I really enjoyed this; it rocked.
-Ramen
Vinny...that was very cleverly written. I enjoyed it. :) I was beginning to wonder why it was in the humor genre, but the ending had me laughing out loud. I can't think of any qualms I had with the characters, except that the lawyer seemed a bit...useless for a lawyer. Seriously, if he was my lawyer, I would have fired him. :/ But anyway, the major problem I have with this is...you need to brush up on your grammar, boy. Get a beta, or something. I think your errors kind of devalued the story a bit; that's all. I would point them all out, but I'm dog-tired right now. (Sorry.) Otherwise, I really enjoyed this; it rocked.
-Ramen
12/24/2008 c1 Link Broken
Nice ending.
Dang this was LONG! I thought it would've been good as a few different chapters. That would've built the story up a bit more.
A couple spelling mistakes, but nothing too un-understandable. Mostly stuff like "ti" instead of "it".You might want to go back and revise.
I liked the ending, that was hysterical!
~Kay
Nice ending.
Dang this was LONG! I thought it would've been good as a few different chapters. That would've built the story up a bit more.
A couple spelling mistakes, but nothing too un-understandable. Mostly stuff like "ti" instead of "it".You might want to go back and revise.
I liked the ending, that was hysterical!
~Kay
11/28/2008 c1 
7LiberryBooked
That was hilarious. I loved the turn around that the end. I think you did a very good job writing out a very unique plotline. I liked how much of your descriptions were embedded into the story and it did a really good job of giving the reader a clear picture.
The one thing that I didn't like so much though was at the end the initial conflict that Jose was trying to solve when he got in trouble with the cops was never really resolved. I think if it was the story would feel more complete.
~Liberry
7LiberryBookedThat was hilarious. I loved the turn around that the end. I think you did a very good job writing out a very unique plotline. I liked how much of your descriptions were embedded into the story and it did a really good job of giving the reader a clear picture.
The one thing that I didn't like so much though was at the end the initial conflict that Jose was trying to solve when he got in trouble with the cops was never really resolved. I think if it was the story would feel more complete.
~Liberry
11/23/2008 c1 Carus
Haha, I really liked the ending. It has a good humourous twist =] It also makes out the police guys to be really stupid.
However, I thought that the characterisation in the fell a bit flat. It was only really Jose and Raul that were developed more than having names and occupations. Which is fair enough, as it's a short story.
Good story =]
-Amy
Haha, I really liked the ending. It has a good humourous twist =] It also makes out the police guys to be really stupid.
However, I thought that the characterisation in the fell a bit flat. It was only really Jose and Raul that were developed more than having names and occupations. Which is fair enough, as it's a short story.
Good story =]
-Amy
10/31/2008 c1 17RisanF
Hi, I'm your reviewer from The Review Game. Let's get to it.
Writing: The story's writing is a bit simplistic, which works both to its advantage and disadvantage. On the one half, it gives it a sort of concise, fable-like feel (the title is very punchy). On the other half, it could be cleaned up a bit to be more clear. Run it through the wringer and get rid of little mistakes like "through conceited effort..." and "it didn’t matter how many times his tried to persuade other and even himself...".
Other: I think you're a bit mistaken on what constitutes as "elderly"; mid-fifties is not really that old. You might want to up Raul's age by ten years or so, or add in some more cumbersome medical problems.
Characters: I think you should work a bit on the lawyer Bob Tippet's dialogue. His dialogue seems a little fresh for a lawyer, and he doesn't try very hard to be helpful.
Plot: I'm a bit sketchy on how a good boy like Jose has such a big crime connection; it seems a little quick for a responsible boy to stoop to running heroin. But the story ending is a huge payoff, and a very tongue-in-cheek way of resolving the conflict.
Overall, the story needs some extra work, but there's enough meat here to make it worthwhile to do that extra work.
17RisanFHi, I'm your reviewer from The Review Game. Let's get to it.
Writing: The story's writing is a bit simplistic, which works both to its advantage and disadvantage. On the one half, it gives it a sort of concise, fable-like feel (the title is very punchy). On the other half, it could be cleaned up a bit to be more clear. Run it through the wringer and get rid of little mistakes like "through conceited effort..." and "it didn’t matter how many times his tried to persuade other and even himself...".
Other: I think you're a bit mistaken on what constitutes as "elderly"; mid-fifties is not really that old. You might want to up Raul's age by ten years or so, or add in some more cumbersome medical problems.
Characters: I think you should work a bit on the lawyer Bob Tippet's dialogue. His dialogue seems a little fresh for a lawyer, and he doesn't try very hard to be helpful.
Plot: I'm a bit sketchy on how a good boy like Jose has such a big crime connection; it seems a little quick for a responsible boy to stoop to running heroin. But the story ending is a huge payoff, and a very tongue-in-cheek way of resolving the conflict.
Overall, the story needs some extra work, but there's enough meat here to make it worthwhile to do that extra work.
10/17/2008 c1 12SuzannaR
Review Game
Ha..funny. I have seen this story (at least the part about the letters) before only it was in Edmonton, the farmer and his son were Russian and the crop was tomatoes! Clever twist that!
I liked how you built on the original story and gave some background about Jose and his family.
A few issues:
I noticed a couple of small grammatical errors:
Eg did you mean to say "concerted" effort when you said "Through conceited effort, Jose managed to have the field...". Conceited doesn t seem to fit there whereas "concerted" would since it was a joint effort between Jose and Raul.
Also Bob the lawyer found that he could "say nothing else of important" you meant importance I m sure. Also you said he "rove off" , missing the letter d.
Apart from that I rather enjoyed reading a different version of that old story. Thanks!
12SuzannaRReview Game
Ha..funny. I have seen this story (at least the part about the letters) before only it was in Edmonton, the farmer and his son were Russian and the crop was tomatoes! Clever twist that!
I liked how you built on the original story and gave some background about Jose and his family.
A few issues:
I noticed a couple of small grammatical errors:
Eg did you mean to say "concerted" effort when you said "Through conceited effort, Jose managed to have the field...". Conceited doesn t seem to fit there whereas "concerted" would since it was a joint effort between Jose and Raul.
Also Bob the lawyer found that he could "say nothing else of important" you meant importance I m sure. Also you said he "rove off" , missing the letter d.
Apart from that I rather enjoyed reading a different version of that old story. Thanks!
10/12/2008 c1 6Drifter of the Forgotten Ones
*Review Game*
Ok, Since this is my first review for the review game, please bare with me on this.
On this, just be careful with your grammar and such, its just small little things like forgetting parentheses for some talking, or forgetting a letter in a word, but still be cautious of this.
I did like how Jose was able to figure out how to have his father's field plowed, all with writing one simple letter as well! That was really funny how he did that.
6Drifter of the Forgotten Ones*Review Game*
Ok, Since this is my first review for the review game, please bare with me on this.
On this, just be careful with your grammar and such, its just small little things like forgetting parentheses for some talking, or forgetting a letter in a word, but still be cautious of this.
I did like how Jose was able to figure out how to have his father's field plowed, all with writing one simple letter as well! That was really funny how he did that.
10/10/2008 c1 1AesronDrosseli
Well well well... A story which kept me wondering what happened until the very end... Evidence of a job VERY well done.
The dialogue flowed well. It was pretty simple and yet it served its purpose just fine. The characters were simple too. I must say that everyone except for Jose was pretty 2D. But then again, this being such a short story, its pretty impossible to do otherwise, eh? But all in all, they were believable enough, as were the relationships between the characters (although it does seem somewhat hollywooded [if you get what I mean]).
Your writing style is also easy to follow. and it was nice and clear (which I greatly appreciated). Except for a few grammatical errors, there's nothing to poke holes at for the technicalities.
What I really liked about your story though, was that you kept me guessing all the way till the end. I had no idea what in the world this Jose Calderon was going to do. Only when I reached the end did I realise that I had seen this scenario before. And you know what's interesting? There were two conflicting emotions within me. One of them was moaning and saying that, "Oh no... Not another cliche..." while another was impressed at how you managed to hide it and pop it out in such a way that nobody would have seen it flowing so seamlessly into the main storyline and delivering the final punch.
All in all, I enjoyed it a lot. This is a nice story, and you're quite a good writer..
(Would my opinion be any less objective if I were to admit that I shared the same name as the protagonist? =P)
1AesronDrosseliWell well well... A story which kept me wondering what happened until the very end... Evidence of a job VERY well done.
The dialogue flowed well. It was pretty simple and yet it served its purpose just fine. The characters were simple too. I must say that everyone except for Jose was pretty 2D. But then again, this being such a short story, its pretty impossible to do otherwise, eh? But all in all, they were believable enough, as were the relationships between the characters (although it does seem somewhat hollywooded [if you get what I mean]).
Your writing style is also easy to follow. and it was nice and clear (which I greatly appreciated). Except for a few grammatical errors, there's nothing to poke holes at for the technicalities.
What I really liked about your story though, was that you kept me guessing all the way till the end. I had no idea what in the world this Jose Calderon was going to do. Only when I reached the end did I realise that I had seen this scenario before. And you know what's interesting? There were two conflicting emotions within me. One of them was moaning and saying that, "Oh no... Not another cliche..." while another was impressed at how you managed to hide it and pop it out in such a way that nobody would have seen it flowing so seamlessly into the main storyline and delivering the final punch.
All in all, I enjoyed it a lot. This is a nice story, and you're quite a good writer..
(Would my opinion be any less objective if I were to admit that I shared the same name as the protagonist? =P)
10/7/2008 c1 1BlankPen
I think it was a very humorous read and I think you managed to capture the spirit of a 'urban legend' or 'tall-tale' very nicely. The other part I really liked was the setting and the tone of the writing, it was refreshing to say the least.
There were a few typos but nothin to worry about, all and all a wonderful job!
Look foward to the next story!
1BlankPenI think it was a very humorous read and I think you managed to capture the spirit of a 'urban legend' or 'tall-tale' very nicely. The other part I really liked was the setting and the tone of the writing, it was refreshing to say the least.
There were a few typos but nothin to worry about, all and all a wonderful job!
Look foward to the next story!
9/30/2008 c1 raineyday
Hi-freaking-larious. This is really superbly written, comical, easy to read, a fabulous one-shot! I kept seeing this story reviewed on the RG and finally got around to doing so myself. I assure you, I was not disappointed. The contrast between the typical storytelling patterns of the beginning and the punchline at the end is tremendous. Brilliant piece.
One typo, though, that really stood out to me: "If anyone can help me plow this field no matter what the obstacle, ti (it) would be him.”
Otherwise, great story!
Hi-freaking-larious. This is really superbly written, comical, easy to read, a fabulous one-shot! I kept seeing this story reviewed on the RG and finally got around to doing so myself. I assure you, I was not disappointed. The contrast between the typical storytelling patterns of the beginning and the punchline at the end is tremendous. Brilliant piece.
One typo, though, that really stood out to me: "If anyone can help me plow this field no matter what the obstacle, ti (it) would be him.”
Otherwise, great story!
9/28/2008 c1 4Theological Medusa
You should do more one-shots. XD I really enjoyed this one, because it is a familiar story to me. Adding less stick-man characters to it let me visualise it better than before.
The only thing I don't like is that there were some details lacking. Like, what kind of drugs was he trafficking? I think the purpose of expanding an urban legend is to put a face to the name-but there is no real face. We don't know what anyone looks like, or what other kinds of chores Jose had been doing. Just a few more details, and I think we could have felt more sorry for Raul's plight.
4Theological MedusaYou should do more one-shots. XD I really enjoyed this one, because it is a familiar story to me. Adding less stick-man characters to it let me visualise it better than before.
The only thing I don't like is that there were some details lacking. Like, what kind of drugs was he trafficking? I think the purpose of expanding an urban legend is to put a face to the name-but there is no real face. We don't know what anyone looks like, or what other kinds of chores Jose had been doing. Just a few more details, and I think we could have felt more sorry for Raul's plight.
9/21/2008 c1 1Saturday Smoke
I loved it! The ending was so amazing! You have this cool fairy tale style that's almost reminiscent of The Princess Bride. The only awkward thing wording wise I thought was "he would have to attempt a drastic measure." I think it would have been more effective to say "he would have to take drastic measures." Or the like.
The story was very inspiring and also humorous without having anything really farfetched, which I enjoyed/ The only thing would be that I think you could maybe work on more characterization in terms of emotions. Good work!
1Saturday SmokeI loved it! The ending was so amazing! You have this cool fairy tale style that's almost reminiscent of The Princess Bride. The only awkward thing wording wise I thought was "he would have to attempt a drastic measure." I think it would have been more effective to say "he would have to take drastic measures." Or the like.
The story was very inspiring and also humorous without having anything really farfetched, which I enjoyed/ The only thing would be that I think you could maybe work on more characterization in terms of emotions. Good work!
9/16/2008 c1 5Eagle Seance
An unexpected ending! Again, written very clearly. It was a little difficult to get into the story at first, but it made sense as I read further, so it's all good.
5Eagle SeanceAn unexpected ending! Again, written very clearly. It was a little difficult to get into the story at first, but it made sense as I read further, so it's all good.
9/5/2008 c1 Berserko
Hahahaha! The ending had me cracking up. XD
It was pretty good for a one-shot. There was the occasional spelling or grammatical error, but no one's perfect.
Good work. I'm adding you to my favorite just for that last part!
Hahahaha! The ending had me cracking up. XD
It was pretty good for a one-shot. There was the occasional spelling or grammatical error, but no one's perfect.
Good work. I'm adding you to my favorite just for that last part!