for Jose Calderon is a Resourceful Boy8/31/2008 c1 123456DoesNotExist
Review Game!
Hmm, I liked it. I think you did a great job.
The title hooked me - it's clever. One thing I didn't like though, was the beginning. There was a lot of explaining which didn't pull me in as much as if it just pulled me into the action. I liked the flow of your dialog, too - It was very easy to read.
What else can I say? It was amusing. :)
~Me
Review Game!
Hmm, I liked it. I think you did a great job.
The title hooked me - it's clever. One thing I didn't like though, was the beginning. There was a lot of explaining which didn't pull me in as much as if it just pulled me into the action. I liked the flow of your dialog, too - It was very easy to read.
What else can I say? It was amusing. :)
~Me
8/29/2008 c1 
25HannaThing
For the Review Game -
What I like: I like the style this is written in. The way things are stated, and not restated over and over like some authors, or way too in depth. It isn't wordy.
What I dislike: All the "good Lord" and "God"'s in there. I'm not religious and have a distaste for books that overuse exclamations only a small percent uses with the God actually in mind.
25HannaThingFor the Review Game -
What I like: I like the style this is written in. The way things are stated, and not restated over and over like some authors, or way too in depth. It isn't wordy.
What I dislike: All the "good Lord" and "God"'s in there. I'm not religious and have a distaste for books that overuse exclamations only a small percent uses with the God actually in mind.
8/24/2008 c1 4Kinderwhore
I really liked the subject of this story; the letter at the end was hilarious. That being said, I couldn't help but feel that you could have elaborated on it a bit more; you said on your profile that this was based on an urban legend (what's the website, btw?), and I got the feeling that you stuck TOO closely to the original story and didn't do anything to make it your own. It was a good choice for a story though...
I also noticed that there were a few typing errors; for example, rather than typing "it would be him" you wrote "ti would be him". If you've got the time, I'd recommend you go back and proof-read it. Otherwise, spelling, grammar etc. were fine.
4KinderwhoreI really liked the subject of this story; the letter at the end was hilarious. That being said, I couldn't help but feel that you could have elaborated on it a bit more; you said on your profile that this was based on an urban legend (what's the website, btw?), and I got the feeling that you stuck TOO closely to the original story and didn't do anything to make it your own. It was a good choice for a story though...
I also noticed that there were a few typing errors; for example, rather than typing "it would be him" you wrote "ti would be him". If you've got the time, I'd recommend you go back and proof-read it. Otherwise, spelling, grammar etc. were fine.
8/24/2008 c1 5Connor Mack
Haha I liked the final twist of the story. I noticed a few spelling mistakes here, a missing period or comma there, but nothing serious. Nice work :)
5Connor MackHaha I liked the final twist of the story. I noticed a few spelling mistakes here, a missing period or comma there, but nothing serious. Nice work :)
8/15/2008 c1 1Camren
Hahaha. Wow, that was pretty resourceful. Hahaha. I loved the ending; it was awesome, but the there were a few grammar errors and the story could be a little more flowing, but you did a great job.
1CamrenHahaha. Wow, that was pretty resourceful. Hahaha. I loved the ending; it was awesome, but the there were a few grammar errors and the story could be a little more flowing, but you did a great job.
8/15/2008 c1 la bonne annee
This story was a bit slow moving for me, but the ending was pretty cool, so it made up for it. I thought you created some nice characters, and the tone of the story reminded me of a fable. It is also an interesting plot, but I wasn't exactly on the edge of my seat. Maybe if there was more of a hook at the beginning, then it would grab me, and make me more interested in finishing it. Also, watch your dialouge. Its a bit long, and it seemed almost like the characters we talking in monolouge, or run-on sentences.
That said, I like the chracters and the plot. This seems like a oneshot. Is it?
Also, the title is pretty cool.
This story was a bit slow moving for me, but the ending was pretty cool, so it made up for it. I thought you created some nice characters, and the tone of the story reminded me of a fable. It is also an interesting plot, but I wasn't exactly on the edge of my seat. Maybe if there was more of a hook at the beginning, then it would grab me, and make me more interested in finishing it. Also, watch your dialouge. Its a bit long, and it seemed almost like the characters we talking in monolouge, or run-on sentences.
That said, I like the chracters and the plot. This seems like a oneshot. Is it?
Also, the title is pretty cool.
8/15/2008 c1 Redundant Expression
I think this was a pretty good quick read. The characters are likable. The only thing I didn't like so well was that it seemed a bit rushed. Other then that terrific job! Much love! - Roxy
I think this was a pretty good quick read. The characters are likable. The only thing I didn't like so well was that it seemed a bit rushed. Other then that terrific job! Much love! - Roxy
8/12/2008 c1 12Durak
Arguably the best exposition of what's supposed to be a three-line joke that I've ever read. However, the joke was funnier. (I /know/ you've heard it before: the one about the old lady and her flower garden... I'm tempted to call this plagiarism.)
However, I have to point out that this very ambitious piece has a number of plot holes: namely, the fact none of Raul's siblings had any children (therefore making Jose the sole proprietor and that the audience is supposed to believe one man can run a farm that used to take 9 people (counting Raul's wife and parents).
Hence why I prefer the original joke to this. It /could/ have been very good, but you offer too much for such a little kick at the end. A good kick, but not worth it.
I agree with an earlier reviewer who didn't like the dialogue. It's fairly poor, especially with the lawyer having to say "I'm a city guy, if you haven't noticed." Jose's pretty bland, and you didn't even put a question mark at the end of the mother's question at the end of the story. It's all very flat.
Also: "Know me," not "Know of me." And I don't think you actually meant to use the verb "diverge" towards the end. I don't know which one you meant, but "diverge" isn't it. Actually, I'd just say proofread. You've got a bunch of misspellings, missing punctuation, and incorrect prepositions. Nothing a third or fourth read through won't fix.
Anyway... like I said before: not /bad/, just /too long/. It's all build up for that last line, and I don't think it's worth it.
PS - I know the topic rules said "Quick Fix", but, old habits die hard... heh. ^-^;;
12DurakArguably the best exposition of what's supposed to be a three-line joke that I've ever read. However, the joke was funnier. (I /know/ you've heard it before: the one about the old lady and her flower garden... I'm tempted to call this plagiarism.)
However, I have to point out that this very ambitious piece has a number of plot holes: namely, the fact none of Raul's siblings had any children (therefore making Jose the sole proprietor and that the audience is supposed to believe one man can run a farm that used to take 9 people (counting Raul's wife and parents).
Hence why I prefer the original joke to this. It /could/ have been very good, but you offer too much for such a little kick at the end. A good kick, but not worth it.
I agree with an earlier reviewer who didn't like the dialogue. It's fairly poor, especially with the lawyer having to say "I'm a city guy, if you haven't noticed." Jose's pretty bland, and you didn't even put a question mark at the end of the mother's question at the end of the story. It's all very flat.
Also: "Know me," not "Know of me." And I don't think you actually meant to use the verb "diverge" towards the end. I don't know which one you meant, but "diverge" isn't it. Actually, I'd just say proofread. You've got a bunch of misspellings, missing punctuation, and incorrect prepositions. Nothing a third or fourth read through won't fix.
Anyway... like I said before: not /bad/, just /too long/. It's all build up for that last line, and I don't think it's worth it.
PS - I know the topic rules said "Quick Fix", but, old habits die hard... heh. ^-^;;
8/11/2008 c1 45deefective
Haha, the ending made me laugh. It seems that Jose Calderon is indeed a resourceful boy. The beginning was a bit too fast but only a bit. If you had added a few sentences here and there it would've been perfect. But after that you got right into the flow. There were a few spelling mistakes that I think you should fix. Other than that you did a good job. I don't usually read stories written in this type of narrative but this one was interesting. It held my interest for the entire time. Good job.
45deefectiveHaha, the ending made me laugh. It seems that Jose Calderon is indeed a resourceful boy. The beginning was a bit too fast but only a bit. If you had added a few sentences here and there it would've been perfect. But after that you got right into the flow. There were a few spelling mistakes that I think you should fix. Other than that you did a good job. I don't usually read stories written in this type of narrative but this one was interesting. It held my interest for the entire time. Good job.
8/10/2008 c1 13Nicki BluIs
Review Game
Ha! To be honest was getting pretty peeved for the first thousand or so words. It said humor and I wasn't laughing. But that last line: genius!It started out sounding like a tall - tale (you know like Johnny Appleseed). I don't know if that was intentonal, but it worked well for the tone of the story. It was good read.
As per review game rules I must give a negative therefore: proofread. This piece was full of itty bitty mistakes that detracted from the work itself. My suggestions are to either get a beta or to simply ignore the work for at least 24 hrs then read it again with a fresh perspective.
13Nicki BluIsReview Game
Ha! To be honest was getting pretty peeved for the first thousand or so words. It said humor and I wasn't laughing. But that last line: genius!It started out sounding like a tall - tale (you know like Johnny Appleseed). I don't know if that was intentonal, but it worked well for the tone of the story. It was good read.
As per review game rules I must give a negative therefore: proofread. This piece was full of itty bitty mistakes that detracted from the work itself. My suggestions are to either get a beta or to simply ignore the work for at least 24 hrs then read it again with a fresh perspective.
8/10/2008 c1 7Happy Pappy
The ending was absolutely amazing! That was my favorite part other than your ability to express the gravity and sadness of the siutation at hand. I truely felt sorry for Raul and wanted things to work out.
The one criticism I have is the dialouge just seems... unreal and forced. Like, I couldnt hear it being said. I dunno, thats all I see that would need work.
Otherwise, great job. I really enjoyed it.
7Happy PappyThe ending was absolutely amazing! That was my favorite part other than your ability to express the gravity and sadness of the siutation at hand. I truely felt sorry for Raul and wanted things to work out.
The one criticism I have is the dialouge just seems... unreal and forced. Like, I couldnt hear it being said. I dunno, thats all I see that would need work.
Otherwise, great job. I really enjoyed it.
8/10/2008 c1 3KnittingKneedle
Hi, review game!
It was just the title that drew me in...I love those quirky, simple titles that encorporate names!
You built an enjoyable story towards a wonderful climax that made me laugh greatly- it seemed a lot like the punchline of a long joke :)
It moved a little quickly for my liking and I think a bit more writing developed to building atmosphere whouldn't have gone amiss, but as a oneshot the pace wasn't too jarring
3KnittingKneedleHi, review game!
It was just the title that drew me in...I love those quirky, simple titles that encorporate names!
You built an enjoyable story towards a wonderful climax that made me laugh greatly- it seemed a lot like the punchline of a long joke :)
It moved a little quickly for my liking and I think a bit more writing developed to building atmosphere whouldn't have gone amiss, but as a oneshot the pace wasn't too jarring
8/9/2008 c1 1DirtyLiar
From the Review Game:
Oh dear, what can i say?
Dear Papa:
For the love of God, don’t plow the field! That’s where I buried all the drugs!
This was the most unexpected and funniest thing in the whole story. At first I thought you were going to fast,(going to fast is in no way a bad thing) but than I figured it was a one shot. It certainly seem like a one shot, but I can still be wrong though.
There were a few spelling mistakes but thats ok i guess as long as one understand what your trying to say. I really like this story, I wonder if you will continue it.
1DirtyLiarFrom the Review Game:
Oh dear, what can i say?
Dear Papa:
For the love of God, don’t plow the field! That’s where I buried all the drugs!
This was the most unexpected and funniest thing in the whole story. At first I thought you were going to fast,(going to fast is in no way a bad thing) but than I figured it was a one shot. It certainly seem like a one shot, but I can still be wrong though.
There were a few spelling mistakes but thats ok i guess as long as one understand what your trying to say. I really like this story, I wonder if you will continue it.
8/4/2008 c1 2Lusiphur Malache
Good story, the plot and flow are nice. Really dose grab one and pull them in.
2Lusiphur MalacheGood story, the plot and flow are nice. Really dose grab one and pull them in.
8/3/2008 c1 4SyMph0Ny Of cOloRS
oh. I just got it. I like this story it's probably my favorite one-shot! Jose Calderon is a resourceful boy and clever. If i was in that situation i wouldn't have thought of doing that. Good job!
4SyMph0Ny Of cOloRSoh. I just got it. I like this story it's probably my favorite one-shot! Jose Calderon is a resourceful boy and clever. If i was in that situation i wouldn't have thought of doing that. Good job!