for Jose Calderon is a Resourceful Boy8/2/2008 c1 
7eamane tinuviel
haha! oh, man. what i really like about this story is that it makes for a good laugh. the plot is great because it pulls the reader in and makes them want to know the fate of jose and his family's farm. the ending was a wonderful twist because it was truly not expected.
my only concern is your diction. you have a mix of proper, mature words (Jose was not one to deviate from his routine, but the man continued to wave him over and his actions seemed to become more desperate by the second), Old-English type words (The doctor gave the Calderons a strong warning against having any more children lest they hoped for an early grave for Maria.) and casual slang (“It’s all good. I’ll be back before dinner.”) try to keep your word choicing consistent throughout your pieces.
good job overall! ^_^
7eamane tinuvielhaha! oh, man. what i really like about this story is that it makes for a good laugh. the plot is great because it pulls the reader in and makes them want to know the fate of jose and his family's farm. the ending was a wonderful twist because it was truly not expected.
my only concern is your diction. you have a mix of proper, mature words (Jose was not one to deviate from his routine, but the man continued to wave him over and his actions seemed to become more desperate by the second), Old-English type words (The doctor gave the Calderons a strong warning against having any more children lest they hoped for an early grave for Maria.) and casual slang (“It’s all good. I’ll be back before dinner.”) try to keep your word choicing consistent throughout your pieces.
good job overall! ^_^
8/2/2008 c1 7Elantil
I've heard/read something along these lines before, but I can't really remember where...
Nevertheless, the ending was alright. It did show that Jose was indeed resourceful. It got a bit of a chuckle out of me.
There were mistakes, I'd advise you to read it over once you've finished writing because the mistakes looked mainly like typos.
7ElantilI've heard/read something along these lines before, but I can't really remember where...
Nevertheless, the ending was alright. It did show that Jose was indeed resourceful. It got a bit of a chuckle out of me.
There were mistakes, I'd advise you to read it over once you've finished writing because the mistakes looked mainly like typos.
7/30/2008 c1 3Mercyette
You seem to be able to capture many different genres pretty well. This one is very different from Starting Over and you were able to write it eloquently. I also liked how you seemed to know what you're writing when dealing with criminal justice. Ex: Miranda Rights, reimbursement for damage, etc.
Again, you might want to look back over the story before you post it, because you have a few typos that could have been avoided if it had been reread. I also felt that Jose's parents took him getting arrested a little too lightly. You might want to have them more surprised if you edit in the future.
3MercyetteYou seem to be able to capture many different genres pretty well. This one is very different from Starting Over and you were able to write it eloquently. I also liked how you seemed to know what you're writing when dealing with criminal justice. Ex: Miranda Rights, reimbursement for damage, etc.
Again, you might want to look back over the story before you post it, because you have a few typos that could have been avoided if it had been reread. I also felt that Jose's parents took him getting arrested a little too lightly. You might want to have them more surprised if you edit in the future.
7/30/2008 c1 5groovi-gal-numba1
LMFAO!
OMG LOL!
good stuff right here! i'm sure you've heard this a million times over but, that ending was halarious! you took us the other way with that one! thankyou!
the opening wasn't as strong - it didn't real me in enough. you may wanna work on that.
i also saw a couple of gramatical errors here and there, but nothing too big.
overall it was great!
5groovi-gal-numba1LMFAO!
OMG LOL!
good stuff right here! i'm sure you've heard this a million times over but, that ending was halarious! you took us the other way with that one! thankyou!
the opening wasn't as strong - it didn't real me in enough. you may wanna work on that.
i also saw a couple of gramatical errors here and there, but nothing too big.
overall it was great!
7/28/2008 c1 8Amethyst Asheryn
Haha, that was great! And it worked, too. The plot was awesome, but the last line was the best. Resourceful indeed!
Ashe
8Amethyst AsherynHaha, that was great! And it worked, too. The plot was awesome, but the last line was the best. Resourceful indeed!
Ashe
7/26/2008 c1 16dreamer999
Lol nice ending man, there were a few spelling errors but I never mind that. Jose is a smart kid and emotional letter, lol only 2 lines that says oh im so old, it's hard to plow the field. hahaha.
Great job man =D
16dreamer999Lol nice ending man, there were a few spelling errors but I never mind that. Jose is a smart kid and emotional letter, lol only 2 lines that says oh im so old, it's hard to plow the field. hahaha.
Great job man =D
7/26/2008 c1 9Dot Cubed
This is absolutely hilarious! Haha, I totally love it, maybe even as much as I love Polar Shift. The last line was totally the best part. Jose is honestly the most resourceful boy in the entire world. Gotta love him.
Anyway, I really liked the way the plot developed. Like a few other people have said, I think the first few paragraphs could be edited a bit more, because right now when you start out the story it seems like you're going to be talking about Raul, and then it shifts to Jose. ...And that wasn't a compliment about the plot at all. I think I'm way too tired to be giving a good review.
ANYWAY. There were a few grammar mistakes I noticed. One of them was this: "Raul began to write a latter to his son" -you mean letter, right?
9Dot CubedThis is absolutely hilarious! Haha, I totally love it, maybe even as much as I love Polar Shift. The last line was totally the best part. Jose is honestly the most resourceful boy in the entire world. Gotta love him.
Anyway, I really liked the way the plot developed. Like a few other people have said, I think the first few paragraphs could be edited a bit more, because right now when you start out the story it seems like you're going to be talking about Raul, and then it shifts to Jose. ...And that wasn't a compliment about the plot at all. I think I'm way too tired to be giving a good review.
ANYWAY. There were a few grammar mistakes I noticed. One of them was this: "Raul began to write a latter to his son" -you mean letter, right?
7/26/2008 c1 3SapphirePrima
I loved the ending, very funny. The first few paragraphs were very dry. Good pacing, I could see this story being in a literature book.
3SapphirePrimaI loved the ending, very funny. The first few paragraphs were very dry. Good pacing, I could see this story being in a literature book.
7/25/2008 c1 20Rino-chan
Review Game!
I don't have much to comment on this story.. as a story. The pace, for me, went a bit too fast and it might help if you look up more on the "Show, don't tell" rule at the very beginning. I suggest the use of flashbacks for the start instead of just listing down Raul's history because then the reader would be able to connect more, hopefully with emotion than memory.
You have a very good vocabulary though, and I enjoyed that part of the descriptions you've used in the story. They're simple enough to work, but you put in a few other sophisticated words now and then to give it a more.. adult feel, I daresay, which I think worked really well.
Continue writing!
Rino-chan.
20Rino-chanReview Game!
I don't have much to comment on this story.. as a story. The pace, for me, went a bit too fast and it might help if you look up more on the "Show, don't tell" rule at the very beginning. I suggest the use of flashbacks for the start instead of just listing down Raul's history because then the reader would be able to connect more, hopefully with emotion than memory.
You have a very good vocabulary though, and I enjoyed that part of the descriptions you've used in the story. They're simple enough to work, but you put in a few other sophisticated words now and then to give it a more.. adult feel, I daresay, which I think worked really well.
Continue writing!
Rino-chan.
7/24/2008 c1 6concerto49
Hm, it started off a little slow - perhaps the background information could be incorporated in bits later than having it at the start. The way it's written gives it a fable feel, which adds to what the story is about. I guess the story ends up being simple, but with it's twists and a cool ending.
6concerto49Hm, it started off a little slow - perhaps the background information could be incorporated in bits later than having it at the start. The way it's written gives it a fable feel, which adds to what the story is about. I guess the story ends up being simple, but with it's twists and a cool ending.
7/21/2008 c1 1FirstBloom13
lol! I love the ending! haha...
"...after complications that arose during childbirth..." I don't know why, but I love how you just said "complications" instead of trying to be all science-y and invent a whole disease and such for something that is only a minor part of the story.
there were still a few grammar and spelling errors, but a thurough reread should catch them.
all in all great. 8/10
1FirstBloom13lol! I love the ending! haha...
"...after complications that arose during childbirth..." I don't know why, but I love how you just said "complications" instead of trying to be all science-y and invent a whole disease and such for something that is only a minor part of the story.
there were still a few grammar and spelling errors, but a thurough reread should catch them.
all in all great. 8/10
7/20/2008 c1 4B. J. Winters
The first three paragraphs – my recommendation would be to streamline. The time passes quite rapidly (in a way) and I’m not sure who the story is about – Raul, his father, his son. You can make the point and introduce the characters much quicker. It feels a bit like a list rather than an engaging opening.
That said, the tone is quite interesting. It’s warm and earthy. The farm is central and almost god like.
My one suggestion would be more variety in how you start the paragraphs: Manny/Jose/Jose/Manny/Jose – you like to start with the character names.
The ending was cute. But somehow, I think I’ve heard it before – or at least I saw it coming. Not that it’s bad – it did make me smile
Little things;
The doctor gave the Calderons a strong warning against having any more children lest they hoped for an early grave for Maria. {Calderon’s}
It was a challenge worth pursing, and Maria was behind him one hundred percent. {perhaps Maria could just “agree”. The 100% seemed too modern for the tone of the piece.}
Through conceited effort, Jose managed to have the field plowed just in time to plant the seeds. {concerted?}
4B. J. WintersThe first three paragraphs – my recommendation would be to streamline. The time passes quite rapidly (in a way) and I’m not sure who the story is about – Raul, his father, his son. You can make the point and introduce the characters much quicker. It feels a bit like a list rather than an engaging opening.
That said, the tone is quite interesting. It’s warm and earthy. The farm is central and almost god like.
My one suggestion would be more variety in how you start the paragraphs: Manny/Jose/Jose/Manny/Jose – you like to start with the character names.
The ending was cute. But somehow, I think I’ve heard it before – or at least I saw it coming. Not that it’s bad – it did make me smile
Little things;
The doctor gave the Calderons a strong warning against having any more children lest they hoped for an early grave for Maria. {Calderon’s}
It was a challenge worth pursing, and Maria was behind him one hundred percent. {perhaps Maria could just “agree”. The 100% seemed too modern for the tone of the piece.}
Through conceited effort, Jose managed to have the field plowed just in time to plant the seeds. {concerted?}